ImmensoShopLand Help Desk Consumer Logs (1835 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.98 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. Awesome: Cod of War (View user info) at 2006-08-16 22:29:54 EDT
Week Thirty-Six
Q. The Ecclesiastical Home Baptismal Kit I purchased has turned my baby into a small African jungle dog. It has chewed through two walls and punctured a hole in our garage door. The animal control officers keep pumping him full of tranquilizer but it doesn't seem to have any affect. How do I unbaptize my baby?
A: An imbalance in the God-to-Demon ratio in the recent batch of Ecclesiastical brand Home Baptismal Kits has resulted in numerous bestial transformations and several demonic possessions.
Because of this, we recommend any consumers who purchased the product in the last thirteen months to promptly exchange the product for the Home Exorcism Kit. Exorcisms will not unbaptize your baby but will keep you from drowning in the river of blood that will soon be shooting out of your child's eyes. Home Exorcism Kits come equipped with an emergency blood-river raft, while the Home Baptismal Kit only comes with a small paddle for beating away vultures, crows and small lions.
(Note: Home Exorcisms may cause further demonic possession, anal leakage, facial warts, heavy stomach cramps and complete economic recession of small Caribbean islands if used improperly. It is recommended users purchase the Home Clergy Ordainment Kit as well.)
As for your garage, new doors can be purchased in a two-pack bundle in Aisle 420, next to the bilge pumps and bulimia fiesta hats.
Q: I ate grapes. Now I sick. Help? ;(
A: We've laced certain bundles of grapes with a rat poison that has since proven deadly to humans but undeadly to rats. You have about three days to live depending on how many grapes you ate. Don't spend those days whining about the bad grapes you ate. We're sorry to say that we cannot offer any compensation as you waved all rights to suing due to poisoning when you entered the 'These Fruits May Contain Poison and Rat Feces' section of our fresh fruits market.
Thank you for using our fresh fruits market. In the next three days we look forward to seeing you in our store, desperately searching for the magical cure-all apricots. However, we're sorry to say they are out of stock. In your next life, maybe you won't like grapes so much you greedy bastard.
If the grapes were used in food fights with Russian carpenters, we recommend you sacrifice them to the sun god and maybe the god of war. Whatever appeases them and keeps the chariots of oppression from rolling down the yonder hills.
Q: The cat I purchased from your pet land has coughed up a kidney and the rate of blood pouring from his ears has increased rapidly. If I were to soak the kidney in the blood, what sort of spices would I need for a tasty meal?
A: The cooking aisle (behind the butcher section and lumberyard in the fourth acre of the lot) has various spices that would go perfectly with cat kidney. We recommend cilantro for longhair and paprika for short hair.
If you've purchased a bald cat, we recommend you return it for a refund. We don't sell bald cats. You most likely bought a shaved rat. Rats require proper cooking techniques, like those used in our cafeteria. Properly de-bone any rats that are purchased from our free-range rat ranch.
Q: I ran over some one in your parking lot.
A: If it was an employee, throw him over the fence and into the pigpen next to the parking lot. It's in their contracts to be eaten by pigs if they die on the job. Their union head is a giant puppet made of string and bananas, propped up on an old mop.
In a related piece of advice, we are now hiring for all positions.
Q: My wife went in for cigarettes two months ago. The dishes are starting to pile up and I can't find the kids underneath all the dirty laundry. The maid I hired ran away screaming. Something tells me I should find my wife. Can I file a missing persons report from inside your store?
A: You have a better chance of finding the person than finding our missing persons desk. A planes crashed into this place and the bodies still haven't been recovered. It was the pilot's fault for crashing into the tire mound. We have a legitimate permit for that mound.
Q: Does Carl still work in sporting goods?
A: The sporting goods section was consumed when the floor collapsed into a giant sinkhole when the subway tunnel we were digging gave way. There were no survivors. Not even Carl. The only work Carl is doing right now is rotting on top of a pile of golf clubs. If we could fish his corpse out we would. However, all the fishing rods were lost in the collapse.
We're sorry for your loss.
Q: The bear trap you sold me was defective. I am now being eaten by bears. What do you recommend for filling the gaps in my crushed skull?
A: Due to the increased sales of our 'Drill A Hole In Your Head For Better Orgasms And Bigger Brain Power' power drill and instruction books, all replacement skull parts are on backorder. We apologize for the inconvenience. Try not to bleed to death on our sidewalk.
Q: Where's my meat?
A: Due to a pack of ravenous wild dogs terrorizing our livestock, we're afraid the meat supply has been greatly reduced until more stray cats and alligators can be rounded up and painted to look like cows. Until that time, we suggest you try our various assortment of meat flavored candy and candy flavored children.
Q: Can I have the bathroom key?
A: I'm sorry. We're closed. Too bad. Go to hell. Which, incidentally, is where the bathrooms are located. Please refer to our lower levels and depths of hell map located on the atlas board next to mushroom land and the town cemetery.
KEEP SHOPPING IMMENSOSHOPLAND!
Remember, every tenth senior gets a free coupon to ride the space shuttle into the sun!
IMMENSOSHOPLAND - YOU CAN SEE US FROM SPACE. Take THAT Great Wall of China!
User Reviews
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-07 23:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You just described over half of my posts on here.
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-09-07 21:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I just realized one third of the reviews are you and Darko bullshitting back and forth.
This was still funny, though.
Just not THAT funny.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-28 15:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2006-08-28 14:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahahahahahah
this reminds me of bucketheadland
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-08-25 10:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps some of these people need IMMENSOSHOPLAND's home lobotomy kit ;o)
Submitted by Nat_Nemcova (user info) at 2006-08-21 16:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
god i love you, long lost father.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-18 16:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You have more hits! just a matter of time till you get up there!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-17 18:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-17 18:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This actually stayed on the front page much longer than I expected.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-08-17 18:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's about another 100 for him...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-17 18:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
less than 1k to go
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-17 18:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Another victim of SPT
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-08-17 18:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How does this only have 400+ hits?
Christ, Stevie could fart on a snare drum and get 2K, usually.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-17 18:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Let's see how long I can go at work without doing any real work.
Going on twenty minutes.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-17 18:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bump
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-08-17 15:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell did I just read?
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-08-17 10:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious, as always, sir.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-17 10:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Iwould have no idea what that was without the filename
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-08-17 08:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
magical cure all apricots!!!!!
THAT'S what I need!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-17 08:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-17 08:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no time to read this
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-17 03:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-17 02:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1676 More hits until MVA
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-17 02:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*clap* *Clap* *CLAP* *CLAP*
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 02:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-12 16:15:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
You can be part of my man-harem.
Submitted by Defect (user info) at 2006-08-17 01:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q: The cat I purchased from your pet land has coughed up a kidney and the rate of blood pouring from his ears has increased rapidly. If I were to soak the kidney in the blood, what sort of spices would I need for a tasty meal?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-08-17 01:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're REALLY pushing it. I am still resolute in my antianti canadianess.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-08-17 01:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha...I love youuuuuuuuuu.
do tyou have msn?
add me: specialkmk80.at.hotmail.com
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-17 01:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really need to cut my finger nails...
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-08-17 01:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely B@W
Sorry you won't go to MH on this one as Shlongy actually rose from the dead and posted today.
Thank you for another connect the dots. I have my crayons in my backpack and a print out of the lovely project. I now have something to do at work tomorrow!
By the way, I need to know who to write to get a refund for an item. http://www.ubersite.com/m/66939
I didn't want this one. I bought the Satanic version but they STILL sent me the Crucifixion one rather than the inverted pentagram version. I've looked every where on the manual for a customer service number but can't find one. Do you know anything about this?
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-08-17 00:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmmmmm...... Candy flavored chidren.
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-08-16 23:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-16 23:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My gloves smell REALLY GOOD
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-08-16 23:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like you.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-16 23:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AIDS
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-08-16 23:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wha... wha I say WOOT, I say I say.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-16 23:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-08-16 22:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NSFW!!
DO NOT CONNECT THE DOTS IF YOU'RE A PROUD STARFISH FARMER!!!
Submitted by CrazyHorse (user info) at 2006-08-16 22:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed..
I cried...
I even peed a little...
Good times....Good times..
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-16 22:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-16 22:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-08-16 22:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment