Beware the Nacho Fart (699 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: comedy
Rating: 1.07 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maltese (View user info) at 2006-08-17 10:44:29 EDT
So there I was, sitting with my wife in Coldstone Creamery. For those of you who don't know, Coldstone serves the absolute best ice cream you'll ever find anywhere, and if you disagree with me, I'll bite your head off.
Keep in mind that this is the Los Angeles Coldstone Creamery, so it's pretty crowded. We both order a large cake batter flavor and soon we are talking about whatever is on our minds amongst the many others enjoying ice cream as well.
We talk about movies, about various trivia, about the day, about what we plan to do tomorrow.
All of the sudden, I shit you not, a 400-pound fat guy wearing jeans and an undershirt sits down next to us. It's obvious that he hasn't bathed in at least a week, and his armpits are enough to cripple three horses. He gets out a huge fucking tub of nachos and eats like the fat hog he is, getting cheese all over his fingers and on my shirt in the process.
Now, greasy cheese-stenched armpit sweat is not exactly something you want to smell when you're eating ice cream.
"Excuse me sir, could you sit somewhere else?", I pleaded.
He chewed his nachos quite loudly and talked through his full mouth.
"NaaWWw I mah sih here", said Captain Fatass.
"You're flicking cheese all over me", I said.
"Hey man, it's a free country", he said.
"I know, but..."
"Hey, did you know that I can eat ice cream and go to the bathroom at the same time?"
No. Just... no. No way in hell would I listen to a fat man's tales of eating shit-scented ice cream while I'm spending time with my wife.
"Sir, please, I'm trying to eat", I say, the look of annoyance growing in my eyes.
"Piss off.", he says.
"You smell like ass, you fat bastard. Until you take a bath and lose a few hundred pounds, go away", I said.
He stands up, turns around, and farts RIGHT IN MY FACE.
Now this is not just any other fart. This was nacho fart.
A fart which can only be performed through massive consumption of nachos, as he had been doing.
It was the worst smell I've ever smelled in my entire life, and I've smelled tons of bad stuff.
It was like somebody attached a hose to his fart and filled it with crusty, old nacho cheese.
It was horrible.
And it kept coming. And coming. And coming. Until finally, a mix that was most definitely half grease and half diarrhea leaked from his jeans and was slowly trickling towards me.
Immediately, me, my wife, and about six other people ran out of the place and never looked back, like the creamery was exploding or something.
We all threw our ice cream away, it was tainted by the smell of nacho fart.
We're still recovering.
User Reviews
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-18 03:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
here ya go
Submitted by waynebebay (user info) at 2006-08-18 01:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
...
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 15:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 15:31:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
OH DAG IT'S TEH LINKWHORE FAIRY:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
--------------------
BALL MY ASS
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 15:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OH DAG IT'S TEH LINKWHORE FAIRY:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91934
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2006-08-17 15:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus. I'm pretty sure i work with that guy.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-17 14:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:18:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:15:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:14:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:10:42 (#)
Ranking: -1
Here's the formula for a Maltese post:
Toilet humor + obesity + profanity * more toilet humor / heatwhoring = positive ratings
----
Here's the formula for a OathMeal post:
Child molestation + Autofellation + Coprophragia * santorum / AIDS = negative ratings
----
Maltese you backwards little faggot I hereby declare war on you and everything your pithy existence stands for.
---------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, this is the funniest thing on uber this week. I can't wait for developments.
_____________
Wow, that's hilarious. I've never seen an uberite declare outright war on another uberite. I could just picture him slipping off a glove and smacking Maltese.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-17 13:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA! I was laughing my ass of all the way through this... I loved the grease bit. Dayum fine storytellins here, chilluns
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 13:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
d0nk3yballz
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 13:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DAMMIT FUCK ME IN THE SHITTER
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-08-17 12:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm nachos.
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-17 12:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-08-17 12:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was hungry and I'm still kind of hungry but just not as much.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 12:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But what if the hot girls nacho fart?
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2006-08-17 12:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the cold stone near me hires exclusively hot girls.
ice cream and hot chicks...
ice cream and nacho fart...
i think Massachusetts wins on this one my man
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Where was Fat Tony that night?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You explained that fart so well, I could almost taste it.
Submitted by URMY_bitch (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I should negative to you for not kicking his fat ass.
But I wont.
I am not sure why.
$
Submitted by Hypatia86 (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ick... kinda pointless, but I did kinda smile.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, my MSN address is marblefluss.at.hotmail.com ... DO NOT SPAM ME OR IMO KEEL U
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHUT UP.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:23:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
nasty.
cold stone is pretty good. i like the one with the oreos in it.
----
Me too... I LOVE that one, along with Cake Batter and Udderly Cream
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nasty.
cold stone is pretty good. i like the one with the oreos in it.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:15:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
Maltese you backwards little faggot I hereby declare war on you and everything your pithy existence stands for.
----
BRING IT ON MOTHERFUCKER. I WILL RIP THE BONES OUT OF YOUR DICK AND SWING THEM AROUND LIKE NUNCHUCKS!!!1!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:18:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ewwwww! Jebus, Malt, was this neccessary?!?!
Where the hell is Caul?! He'll give birth to kittens when he reads this.
On a related note, we have a Coldstone Creamery here. I went there once with some chums from the Uni. As I stood at the counter trying to decide what add-ins to get, I made the mistake of glancing around. Not one of the patrons there appeared to be below 250 lbs. They were sitting around, slurping and smacking. Suddenly, I didn't want ice cream any more and the sugar free stuff gives me abdominal problems.
It wasn't all bad, my friends had a good laugh at my neurotic behavior.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:15:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:14:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:10:42 (#)
Ranking: -1
Here's the formula for a Maltese post:
Toilet humor + obesity + profanity * more toilet humor / heatwhoring = positive ratings
----
Here's the formula for a OathMeal post:
Child molestation + Autofellation + Coprophragia * santorum / AIDS = negative ratings
----
Maltese you backwards little faggot I hereby declare war on you and everything your pithy existence stands for.
---------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, this is the funniest thing on uber this week. I can't wait for developments.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:14:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:10:42 (#)
Ranking: -1
Here's the formula for a Maltese post:
Toilet humor + obesity + profanity * more toilet humor / heatwhoring = positive ratings
----
Here's the formula for a OathMeal post:
Child molestation + Autofellation + Coprophragia * santorum / AIDS = negative ratings
----
Maltese you backwards little faggot I hereby declare war on you and everything your pithy existence stands for.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:14:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:10:42 (#)
Ranking: -1
Here's the formula for a Maltese post:
Toilet humor + obesity + profanity * more toilet humor / heatwhoring = positive ratings
----
Here's the formula for a OathMeal post:
Child molestation + Autofellation + Coprophragia * santorum / AIDS = negative ratings
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Here's the formula for a Maltese post:
Toilet humor + obesity + profanity * more toilet humor / heatwhoring = positive ratings
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 11:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HEIL SHLONGY
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-17 10:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A good fart story is always good for a chuckle.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-17 10:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-17 10:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This would have been +2 if you didn't start it off with "So..."
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-08-17 10:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
City of Heroes Auto +2