Erotic Fiction - Take Me Hard (4099 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.92 on 152 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <thedarknessfromabove.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-08-17 18:58:54 EDT
****Background****
We were asked to submit a short fiction story - the theme was 'texture'.
I chose the texture 'hard' and came up with this story. My teacher got half way through and gave it back to me, asking to resubmit something more suitable, I just wrote NON CONFORM in black over the text of every page and handed it back. Fuck authority, what are they gonna do?
*******
TAKE ME HARD
David caught a glimpse of bethany's heaving bosom from across the laundrette. It was a hot, sticky day and the summer heat was infiltrating every fibre of his being.
He had noticed Bethany before- a somewhat homely girl who had a curvacious figure but a quite ordinary face - in the little South American town where he had been staying for a month now, on a sabbatical from his religious order. He knew he could not have the flesh of a woman, but on a day such as this he could not stop himself from fantasisng.
Bethany walked over to the young western man by the door. It was 5pm - after closing time - and he had dropped off to sleep. They did not get many western men in their small town, and Bethany and her friends had often wondered about him and why he was there in there town. As she looked at him the sun shone through the window and landed on his face causing it to light up. Bethany felt an instant attraction and the young virgin girl experienced a sensation deep within her loins that made her feel embarrased, she ran to the back room.
Masturbation was looked down upon in her community but it was so uncomfortable in the heat and with the thought of such a manly unshaven western man in the next room she could not resist...
As the sun was setting, David awoke in the laundrette.He heard the sift sounds of moaning coming from the bck room "ooohhh aaaahhh". He immediatley felt uncomfortable. He was not used to such intense feelings and his manhood tingled with anticipation. He slowly got up and walked towards the door - he could not be forsaken against his religious order, and hung his head as he knew he would spend the last night of his sabbatical alone wondering about the intimate details of Bethany.
Bethany increased her rythym and had one hand on her breast, the other in her peasant skirt, as she increased her rythym she accidentlly knocked over a washing basket.
BANG - David heard a load crash - he could not leave now - THe girl may be in trouble. he turned the corner to the backroom where Bethany loked at him sheepishly, eyes wide open and her skirt and blouse looking open and dishevelled. David immediatley excused himself, and turned to run.
WAIT - cried Bethany, she had never been with a man and was due to be married to her fathers friend that weekend. She longed to be in the arms of this western man. David turned to her and could not hold on any longer, with one swift move he lifted her onto a washing machine and proceeded to suck her nipples.
Her head back and arms gripping the machine, she opened her legs wide and allowed David to smell her essence, he looked at her as he undid his shorts and his erect penis sprung to attention. She gasped at the sight of his purple veined cock and inched closer to it.
The two lovers embraced and he guided his throbbing member into her sweet love hole, their bodies moving in time and pleasure pulsating through their souls.
Each thrust made her cry in pleasure and with two hands squezzing her ass he lifted her off the machine and planted her againt the laundreete wall, 'Take Me Hard' she cried in spanish. As the sun finally went down on this little south american town their union was almost complete, "I want to feel you in my mouth" Said Bethany, David immediatley throust his willing rod deep into her thoat, she took his whole length and then suddenly knew it was time.
Clamping down on his manhood as hard as she could she took the dagger and thrust it deep into his back. David squirmed this way and that the blinding pleasure of orgasm had quickly been replaced by this new sensation of pain, and within minutes death.
The church bell rang out in the little south american town.
Two lovers who never should have crossed paths, each had fulfilling the others destiny.
*********
fin.
User Reviews
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-08-22 09:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-10-25 10:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WHAT the fuck is this shit?
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-20 06:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SHIT FACE WANK STAIN below
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2006-10-20 05:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SHIT FACE WANK STAIN?
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-19 22:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh man this makes me so horny
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-10-12 21:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
superfriends below
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-10-11 06:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-09-12 23:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mallett (user info) at 2006-09-12 20:14:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow. I wish I could be a non-conforming rebel like you. Your original and edgy attitude towards authority is incredible. Because I've never seen anything like this before. It's so original, my head almost exploded.
Non-conformity for the sake of getting attention is more pretentious than the shit people like you claim to hate so much. Real non-conformity, a very rare thing, is found in original and creative works of the mind, not regurgitating bullshit slogans you heard from some shitty song by a "punk/goth/supercoolunderground" band.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
fuck you mullet I am so above you i cant be bothered tellibng you to FUCK OFF
Submitted by mallett (user info) at 2006-09-12 20:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow. I wish I could be a non-conforming rebel like you. Your original and edgy attitude towards authority is incredible. Because I've never seen anything like this before. It's so original, my head almost exploded.
Non-conformity for the sake of getting attention is more pretentious than the shit people like you claim to hate so much. Real non-conformity, a very rare thing, is found in original and creative works of the mind, not regurgitating bullshit slogans you heard from some shitty song by a "punk/goth/supercoolunderground" band.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-09-11 03:27:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OH MAN YOU ARE SUCH A FAG JASON MICHAEL GREENING
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-08-31 23:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-30 04:08:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU ARE ALL VERY BORING.
LIKE I FUCKING CARE
BEGONE
-------------------------
You are not a queen, we are not your subjects.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-30 21:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-30 04:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU ARE ALL VERY BORING.
LIKE I FUCKING CARE
BEGONE
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this alter is v.boring.
go away child
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just shut up merlina, we all know what i am talking about hypocrite
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-29 04:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-25 07:16:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-24 20:59:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
u can talk
~~~~~~
because?
~~~
'Fuck you Merlina' wasn't a very good answer now was it, oh eloquent one?
So
"I can talk" because......?
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-27 21:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah don't worry if my feelings are hurt
Submitted by Nockane (user info) at 2006-08-27 12:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please keep posting more, I love reading the reveiws you get. I really think someone should make a list of the "best" reviews she's gotten and get it on B@W.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-25 19:09:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck you merlina
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-25 07:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-24 20:59:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
u can talk
~~~~~~
because?
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-25 06:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-25 05:10:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-24 21:34:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
non-conform. Pish-posh. Everyone conforms to something, personal anarchy is nonexistant, you're always being led in thought.
==================
all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others. (wow..I just ruined Orwell...aren't I nice?)
______________________-
yes but you just convinced me of my sexuality even more
===================================================
okay, you got me interested. How?
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-25 05:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-24 21:34:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
non-conform. Pish-posh. Everyone conforms to something, personal anarchy is nonexistant, you're always being led in thought.
==================
all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others. (wow..I just ruined Orwell...aren't I nice?)
______________________-
yes but you just convinced me of my sexuality even more
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-24 21:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
non-conform. Pish-posh. Everyone conforms to something, personal anarchy is nonexistant, you're always being led in thought.
==================
all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others. (wow..I just ruined Orwell...aren't I nice?)
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-24 21:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
please don't perkamn
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2006-08-24 21:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
die pig.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-24 20:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
u can talk
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-23 11:56:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this is like a cross between Mills & Boon and 70's cheesy porn.
"Throbbing member" - are you SERIOUS? And don't even get me STARTED on the spelling.
I hope to god you're an alter.
Because if this is you, you're not much of a person.
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-08-22 22:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Wasn't too bad till the end. Seems like you're putting your writing to... to fit something, or something. I don't think you're a bad writer, but you're making it something it's not.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-21 10:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i still did it better.
sux fer u.
Submitted by Cinderblock (user info) at 2006-08-21 10:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Awesome!
I wish this was my alter.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-08-21 02:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ubmitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-08-17 23:43:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
Please understand that I'm saying this without any malice or personal rancor.
You write with all the elegance of a three-legged hippopotamus with ebola attempting to dance Swan Lake after eating a bushel of bad oysters. Your talent shines through like the phosphorescent glow of bacterial colonies on a rat drowned in raw sewage. You have the same grasp of the English language that André the seal has of quantum field theory.
So, good luck with that whole non-conform thing.
==========
This comment and the appearance by the Aquabats earns you plus two's forever.
This was the funniest paragraph I have ever read on this site.
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-08-21 01:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hahaha, you fake bitch. You shop at Hot Topic (a store that is owned by The Gap).
You lose forever.
Oh yeah, you have herp in your snatch, too.
...
Submitted by NecroBlanca1 (user info) at 2006-08-21 00:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
everyone may want to look at this
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92043
Submitted by ArcEld (user info) at 2006-08-20 23:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fucking garbage.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-20 15:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I win
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-20 05:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Poorly written, badly thought out.
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2006-08-20 05:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
was it you?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-20 00:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92025
Emulate
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-08-20 00:09:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
lol
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-08-19 19:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Let's think about this for a second:
There is njo such thing as a non-conformist, simply because others believe they are non-conformists. Therefore, you are all conforming to the same idea, and are infact part of the establishment you "fight" against.
Oh, and you are a pathetic twat.
I can't believe YOU were the fastest sperm. The others must have so stupid they swam the wrong way.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-08-19 10:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Ahhhhh ahhhhh the haunting cries of the devil owls "
"sounds of moaning coming from the bck room 'ooohhh aaaahhh'....."
---
Good job sustaining the masturbating devil owl imagery.
Submitted by pinkshoes (user info) at 2006-08-19 00:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Go back to school already. At least there they have sex ed.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-08-18 20:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAR*!#@FQ: >WO"{I! I KWJ#QH AWHBA BHSPGHSAHDSHBAHGAFHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-18 19:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:41:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
Pure shit.
_____________________________________
I believe the great majority of reviews agree with me.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-18 18:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Come on "SHARI" google some goth chicks' pic and pretend it's you!
It's okay, I know you don't exist. Just hurry up and email it to me.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT
Submitted by toucansam (user info) at 2006-08-18 18:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
um, if they were in south america then a western man would've been from where?
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2006-08-18 18:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What you would have done?
YESSSS...GO EMOOO....
Hahahahhahaha...
You wrote "NON CONFORM" ?
HAHAHAHa
stupid idiot.
Submitted by toucansam (user info) at 2006-08-18 18:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
okay, now i know you're an alter.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-18 17:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-08-18 12:33:07 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:03:07 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:12:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:10:47 (#)
Ranking: -1
It's gotta be pretty bad "erotic fiction" when it didn't turn me on AT ALL.
Try again.
_________________
Its not written for you then.
maybe you'd like the mainstream porn where it is gratifying only to males.
======
Um, NO? I'm a friggin chick, you idiot.
Use your psychic gothic witch powers to figure it out, beotch.
LET'S WRASSLE!
=======================================
Thanks to this and Coyote's remark, I frickin giggled right through this morning's meeting.
=============
:) always happy to put a smile on a Snark's face.
PS "Shari"..where's your new pic? HMM I wanted a CAMWHORE-OFF!!! Now it will have to wait til Monday!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-18 17:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Defect (user info) at 2006-08-17 22:50:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait.....so this isn't an alter? I'm confused.
------
This is most DEFINATELY an alter - It's already been proven.
Whoever's running this alter screwed up and used the wrong camwhore.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OMGWTFBBQSAUCE
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91990
--------
i did it better.
Submitted by BananaPhone (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You remind me of the "Somewhat Confused Ex-Goth" from that post about college people.
You know, the girl dressed in black who sits alone on the steps, waiting for someone to give her shit, but no one ever does because there are millions of other identical non-conforming idiots around.
Since when has it become cool to be uncool?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-18 13:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh my GOD, you're just like so iconoclastic and dark and like SO TOTALLY PROFOUND IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. I mean "Fuck authority, what are they gonna do?" It's like you were speaking the words that were in MY BRAIN. I mean underachieving? Telling teachers to fuck off? Who's ever thought of that before? Like NO ONE, that's who. Please continue to post your totally unique take on life on a daily basis. In fact, I think we should find some way to take every thought that's in your head and TRANSCRIBE IT DIRECTLY TO THE INTARWEB THAT WOULD BE SO COOL! PPPPLS DON'T DEPRIVE US OF YOUR TEENAGE GENIUS!
*awaiting retaliatory -2!*
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2006-08-18 13:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 because "heaving bosom," "there in there town," "deep within her loins," "manly unshaven western man," "ooohhh aaaahhh," "his manhood tingled with anticipation," Bethany increasing her rhythm TWICE in one sentence, "purple veined cock," "throbbing member," "sweet love hole," "'Take me hard' she cried in Spanish," and "willing rod" each made me crack up as I read them.
-4 because this wasn't meant to be a comedy.
"Manly, unshaven, western man," my god.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-08-18 13:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
If you're that into nonconforming, why wear clothes?
why buy into the stereotype of black hair?
why even bother turning in a writing assignment?
hell, why live on this planet? there are so many others!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-08-18 13:02:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is here just because Snark showed up. Go read a few of his posts and you'll see what Uber expects when they want fiction.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-08-18 12:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
auto -2 "heaving bosom"
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-18 12:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OMG A SNARK SIGHTING!
<dies>
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-08-18 12:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is my favorite alter by far. You know this is that fat guy, whats his name.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-08-18 12:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:03:07 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:12:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:10:47 (#)
Ranking: -1
It's gotta be pretty bad "erotic fiction" when it didn't turn me on AT ALL.
Try again.
_________________
Its not written for you then.
maybe you'd like the mainstream porn where it is gratifying only to males.
======
Um, NO? I'm a friggin chick, you idiot.
Use your psychic gothic witch powers to figure it out, beotch.
LET'S WRASSLE!
=======================================
Thanks to this and Coyote's remark, I frickin giggled right through this morning's meeting.
Oh and Dear Author,
If you're all about the non conformity crap then how come it isn't reflected in your writing? All I see here is a conglomeration of poorly put together cliches.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-18 12:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:07:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:03:45 (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm a big fan of hot stuff, but this just wasn't hot.
I think it was written as if by someone who'd never had actual sex.
I would know, I had some about 2 yrs ago.
__________________
IF you are a chick then you would see its not realy meant to be erotic - its my interpretation of a stupid male walking into a trap
-----
O RLY?
"Erotic Fiction - Take Me Hard"
Sounds like you meant it to be erotic, then started backpedaling.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-18 11:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This fucking blew ass
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-08-18 11:06:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Aren't you that emo chick with the poetry? That was at least partially stomachable. This was just...christ. You'd need to invent new words just to describe how shite it was.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-08-18 10:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Yeah, but...where's the naked pictures?
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2006-08-18 10:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just wrote NON CONFORM in black over the text of every page and handed it back. Fuck authority, what are they gonna do?
OMG YOO HAEV COMPELREYRYY CHANGEED MII LYFE OMGZ
PLZ POEST MOR!!11!!! SHITLL IN SCHUL BUT YU AER NOT FLOOWONG CONFORMRERITES!! YAAAAAAAAAAAA4444444444444Y
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-18 10:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:12:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:10:47 (#)
Ranking: -1
It's gotta be pretty bad "erotic fiction" when it didn't turn me on AT ALL.
Try again.
_________________
Its not written for you then.
maybe you'd like the mainstream porn where it is gratifying only to males.
---------
haahhahhahahhahahahhahahahahhahahhah.
no.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-08-18 09:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-18 09:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm never consisent in my ratings. Sometimes I just go with the numerical value but then sometimes my rating is based on the descriptive value. I'm sorry to say that this was my first rating that was based on BOTH the numerical and descriptive values. This was both a -2 AND a don't bother. And I'm not trying to be mean. At least you HAVE posted for strangers and that should be commended in and of itself.
That being said, this was bad on so many levels -- set up, grammar, flow, and more. Of course, I've not posted anything here, so feel free to bash me through this rating as you wish. However, I am an avid reader and I love nothing more than a well written story that draws you in regardless of the genre.
Erotica should have a build up. There should be anticipation and tension. "Sweet love hole," "ohhhhh ahhhhhh.' No. Not unless this is written for and by a virginal 14 year old boy who has never had sex except with himself.
You mention that she is marrying her father's friend. Perhaps that should have been disclosed earlier and used as a reason why she shares this intimacy with David. So that she could have a taste of what, in her mind she will be locked away from, in the bonds of marriage to an older man.
You say she was a witch and that is why she stabbed him. I didn't get that out of the story at all. I'm not knocking the stabbing/death twist. Good idea. But you didn't give me a reason why this should have happened and makes the story that less believable.
"He could not be forsaken against his religious order..." He could not be unoccupied/unpopulated/deserted/abandoned/vacant/desolate/isolated/empty against his religious order? No. How about -- He could not foresake his religious order.... He could not foresake the teachings of his religious order...??? The proper usage of words is vitally important to the truth of the story for the reader. If there are constant typos, improper use of words, bad grammar, etc., I stop reading. No matter what the story is about, who wrote it or even if I liked it. The reader needs to be drawn out of himself as if a voyeur to what is going on in the story. If there are a multitde of errors, the reader can't be drawn into THAT reality. At least I can't.
If this indeed was erotica, you should have expanded on his fantasizing -- her heaving bosom? No. Too cliched. Too much like a Harlequin romance novel. How about fantasizing about the curve of her breast, the feel of her hair through his fingers, the outline of her body in a thin dress -- she is standing in or near sunlight, no?
Being a virgin she was embarassed by what her body was feeling so she ran to the back room to masturbate??? No. Just no. That wasn't believable at all. Now if she was embarassed but overcome with need for the release that touching herself would lead to despite her embarassment...that is a bit more believable.
She was in the back room yet when he joined her he lifted her, left the backroom and placed her on a washing machine? If so, what about the added sensations from a running washing machine? Spin cycle darlin. Even so, that was too jerky for me. Why didn't he just join her in the back room, amid a pile of laundry, sheets, whathaveyou. He "proceeded to suck her nipples"...??? What is this? Step number 7 in a technical manual??? How about...."with one swift move he lifted her atop a washing machine as his lips sought the taste of her breast."
I need to stop. Perhaps I should just write my own erotica and use it for my first post here LOL.
This was nothing more than badly written porn. Some people like porn. I don't. I like erotica. An entirely different level of eroticism.
Good luck with your next try. I look forward to it.
:-)
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-08-18 08:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I cannot believe how bad this was.
I'm truly speechless. This may have been the worst writing I've ever read. I'm less intelligent than I was 10 seconds before clicking this post. It has dumbed me down. Holy fuck.
Don't quit your day job.
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-08-18 07:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:56:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
hilariously awful.
but poorly written as it was, i did laugh, so
ill give it a positive rating.
here's a rhetorical question- does it bother
you that most people on this site think you are
so shallow and stereotypical that you arent even
a real person?
but just ignore me and everyone else youve met;
im sure we're all just trying to bring you down.
-----------------------------------------------------
ARE you an Alter? Surely you must be
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-08-18 07:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was absolute gash, if you'll excuse the pun. I'm sorry but your writing style is very immature (not in a name calling, hair pulling way. In a young, hasn't refined or got a clue way) and if your only come back to criticism is to toss your hair and say we don't get it, you're never going to improve.
You write to an audience. If your audience says it's pants then it doesn't really matter one way or the other whether YOU like it or not.
If my (admittedly few) posts receive criticism I straighten my shoulders and take it like an adult, then make sure I take it on board.
Except the 'show us your boobs' comments. They're not helpful.
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-18 06:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yay! BANDWAGON!
You say that you're down, now
Can't find a place to rest your head
The leaves have all fallen
And your garden is dead
Turning your back now
Ain't nothing left to say
No need for tomorrow
When you can't find today
When you can't find today, oh
When you can't find today, oh
Search all you want, oh
Well you won't find it here, oh
Well the fortunes you seek, oh
They were always right here
They were always right here
Alone once again, now
Walked a mile inside your head
This movie's been played now
All is done and all is said
You're running so fast now
You can't get away
No need for tomorrow
When you can't find today
When you can't find today, oh
When you can't find today, oh
Search all you want, oh
Well you won't find it here, oh
Well the fortunes you seek, oh
They were always right here
They were always right here
When you can't find today, oh
When you can't find today, oh
Search all you want, oh
Well you won't find it here, oh
Well the fortunes you seek, oh
They were always right here, oh
Search all you want, oh
It was always right here
It was always right here
Submitted by jinhenkim (user info) at 2006-08-18 05:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bad/racist.
western=white?
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-18 04:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I"m so emo and it hurts"
"I wear black eyeliner and hope it doesn't bleed when I cry"
-lyrics to "Shiver's big gay emo song" I think it fits you.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-08-18 03:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck off.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-18 01:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-08-17 23:43:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
Please understand that I'm saying this without any malice or personal rancor.
You write with all the elegance of a three-legged hippopotamus with ebola attempting to dance Swan Lake after eating a bushel of bad oysters. Your talent shines through like the phosphorescent glow of bacterial colonies on a rat drowned in raw sewage. You have the same grasp of the English language that André the seal has of quantum field theory.
So, good luck with that whole non-conform thing.
----------
Well said my good sir.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2006-08-18 00:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This oozes of an alter trying to bring some sort of personality to his or hers shenigans
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 23:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ubmitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-08-17 23:43:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
Please understand that I'm saying this without any malice or personal rancor.
You write with all the elegance of a three-legged hippopotamus with ebola attempting to dance Swan Lake after eating a bushel of bad oysters. Your talent shines through like the phosphorescent glow of bacterial colonies on a rat drowned in raw sewage. You have the same grasp of the English language that André the seal has of quantum field theory.
So, good luck with that whole non-conform thing.
==========
HHAHAHAA
HAHAH
H
AAAH
HA
H
AHAH
AH
A
HHAHAH
AH
HAH
AHAH
AHAH
A
Fuck.
I seriously can't stop laugh....HAHAHAHAHH
H
HH
AHAHA
HA
H
HA
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-08-17 23:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Please understand that I'm saying this without any malice or personal rancor.
You write with all the elegance of a three-legged hippopotamus with ebola attempting to dance Swan Lake after eating a bushel of bad oysters. Your talent shines through like the phosphorescent glow of bacterial colonies on a rat drowned in raw sewage. You have the same grasp of the English language that André the seal has of quantum field theory.
So, good luck with that whole non-conform thing.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-08-17 23:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Not to copy Maltese, but I felt like adding this.
Well I remember my first day at public school
I was very scared of getting pummeled
And sure enough I did at first recess
I got pegged in the head by a big red ball
It stung and my head hung
Back to class with a bloody nose
And soon it was lunchtime
Mom said I should ask about how poor kids can get fed
So I got a book of tickets and a schedule and it read:
Monday - Hot Dog, Tuesday - Taco
Wednesday - Hamburgers and Chocolate Milk
Thursday - Sloppy Joes and burritos in a bag
Friday was Pizza Day, the best day of the week
All the kids would line up super early just to eat
Monday - Hot Dog, Tuesday - Taco
Wednesday - Hamburgers and Chocolate Milk
Thursday - Sloppy Joes and burritos in a bag
Friday was Pizza Day, the best day of the week
It always came with salad and a side of cold green beans
Hooray for Pizza Day
Hooray for Pizza Day
I miss Pizza Day
The best day of the week
Well, I remember my first day in Jr. High
I had hairspray in my hair
And my pants were way too tight
And all the breakers and new wavers
And the rockers and the preps
Would all be in their places
On the front lawn or the steps
I hung out with some punker kids
Who used to make me laugh
I got thrown in the dumpster
By some rich kids near the caf?
As time went on we figured out
It was totally uncool
To eat the welfare lunch
Provided by the school
So in poser-punker fashion
We just mooched off all the kids
And lived off eating candy bars
And bags of nacho chips
Monday - Hot Dog, Tuesday - Taco
Wednesday - Hamburgers and Chocolate Milk
Thursday - Sloppy Joes and burritos in a bag
Friday was Pizza Day, the best day of the week
It always came with salad and a side of cold green beans
Hooray for Pizza Day
Hooray for Pizza Day
I miss Pizza Day
The best day of the week
Well now I'm out of school
And I don't have a job
(You're a slob!)
I just sit around all sweaty and lethargic
And I'm just thinking 'bout where it all went wrong
Why I can't concentrate
On anything but reruns
I wish I had some more stability
I wish I had somebody making lunch for me
I guess I miss the seventh grades in life
The thought of Pizza Day
I thought it was stupid then
But I wish I had it now
I miss my
Monday - Hot Dog, Tuesday - Taco
Wednesday - Hamburgers and Chocolate Milk
Thursday - Sloppy Joes and burritos in a bag
Friday was Pizza Day, the best day of the week
It always came with salad and a side of cold green beans
Hooray for Pizza Day
Hooray for Pizza Day
I miss Pizza Day
The best day of the week!
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-08-17 23:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
psh i thought it was cool
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-08-17 23:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wait, you're still in highschool? It all makes sense.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-17 23:08:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm still waiting for a challenge to a poem-off so we can embarass ourselves
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-08-17 23:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:14:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:13:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
This is such a crappy post, I WANT it to stay on the front page
____________
Wether it gets taken off or not, I will still get to most heated, people eny it but my work is liked and enjoyed here
____________
it's whether. and just because you get on most heated, doesn't mean people actually like this crap. it means they're interested in all your ridiculous comebacks.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-17 22:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
in other news, this blows
Submitted by Defect (user info) at 2006-08-17 22:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait.....so this isn't an alter? I'm confused.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-17 22:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
needs more rape with a slit throat at the end so you die and never post again you sick demented ass stain on God's batman underpants
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-17 22:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I can still write better poetry than you.
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-08-17 22:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was badly-written cheesy fucking crap. The "sex" in it sounded like something out of Penthouse forum, and the ending was fucking weak. You try WAYYYYY too hard to be a "non-conformist" when in reality you're just a fucking stupid little sheep doing what every other "non-conformist" does.
Submitted by Snalty (user info) at 2006-08-17 21:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The reason your teacher rejected this was because it was badly written, not because it was inappropriate.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-17 21:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your penis must be getting in the way when you get ready to type something because your posts all suck cock, Tranny.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-17 21:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OMG A NON-CONFORMIST!
NOBODY HAS EVER NOT FOLLOWED THE RULES!!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-08-17 21:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I actually read this.
My penis did the "turtle" manuever.
I'm fat, I can't have what penis I have doing that.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:33:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
I BELONG HERE
IT IS PART OF MY DESTINY
P.S> forthewin..I jumped all the puddles by myself. :(
___________________________
Oh man, sorry I missed out. Some day, I'll go puddle jumping again.
Sadly, I don't belong here. I belong in a tiny village in Asia. True story.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:43:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:41:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
Pure shit.
___________________
yeah, like you even 'get it'!
aren't you like a teacher or something - anyone in authority won't get my work. so just remember that before you click on one of my posts next time, chump.
NON CONFORM - FUCK AUTHORITY - NON CONFORM - FUCK AUTHORITY - NON CONFORM - FUCK AUTHORITY -
______________________________________________
Cunts like you get thrown out of my class the first day. The reason?
You are stupid, you cannot write, spell, or construct a sentence/paragraph.
You most likely smell, as well.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was very, very poor.
Considering the sheer mass of work like this out there, the least you could have done was incorporate a squeegee or a cactus or something.
Lame.
And by the way ... that cross needs to be up-fucking-side down, slut.
Submitted by DirtyDoubleEntendre (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That story thing sucks hairy man ass.
BUT THAT PICTURE IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!
(Stick with the drawing, ay)
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
alright, I'm going to work now.
Everyone, try not to miss me too much.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I BELONG HERE
IT IS PART OF MY DESTINY
P.S> forthewin..I jumped all the puddles by myself. :(
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:04:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:59:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:15:16 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:11:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
oh dear maltese is totally annoying me by posting song lyrices to bands no-one has ever heard of
-------------------------
Green Day and Nirvana obscure? Pull your head out of your ass.
----
This proves my point.
_______________
um fuckstick... you HAVE no point - you are trying to annoy me and boy is it working.
you are a fuckwit. no one likes you, you claim to have been a lurker for so long and you suck up to the regulars here.
I have seen you do it. you don't belong here child.
go home.
________________
Um... Who are you to say who belongs here? In fact... The real question is, who doesn't belong here?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 entertainment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:41:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:35:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
b) she is a witch, they can do anything
---
oh.
That actually makes sense.
Um, where in the story does it say that, I must have missed it...
Oh, and if I was grading that story, I would have made you re-write it just for the typos alone.
____________________
ARE YOU A COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING IDIOT?
its called reading between the lines you perverted fuckwit. HE is training to be a priest and its his LAST sabbatical - she is a witch or devil attempting to kill off a god soul so she tempts him and kills him.
next time try a book made just for you like 'see spot run' there is no thinking invloved and you don't have to try to understand the many different levels of my art.
Oh, and if you were my teacher our school would have you charged with being an old sick pervert. I have seen your posts and you really are a lonely old man.
I know you have masturbated to my camwhore, and yes it turns me on, so keep the insults cumming
_________________
Here's the thing, paint it black, or whoever you are. You can't read between the lines if it's written too bad to even read the lines themselves.
I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm completely serious. Here, I'll help you out...
1- Learn the difference between they're, there, and their.
2- How come Bart won't let me have an alter? I want one too.
3- Did you hear about snakes on a plane?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay...
1 - "Hard" is not a texture. Smooth, bumpy, rough - those are examples of texture. Hard is a quality of form.
2 - In a short piece of this nature, it's best to stay in 3rd person and only focus on one character. Shifting to the girl's point of view made the piece seem choppy.
3 - There was no foreshadowing or context for her sudden murder of the guy. While you, the author, may have have understood the motive, you have to be able to properly translate all that information to the reader.
4 - There were some good lines in this, and desent use of descriptive prose. However, hon, I too would have returned this to you, and asked you to edit a number of thing.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hahaha did you just challege Coley to a camwhore contest, with THIS: http://www.ubersite.com/m/90706 ?????????
I particularly like the way you defend your immensely shitty "art" by claiming that anyone who would know half a shit what they are talking about is a conformist authority, and would not comprehend the work.
Hang yourself.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Man, this didn't even give me half a chub... and thats prety bad.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh come on, like I haven't seen your camwhore.
DUH
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:11:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
I sense lesbian tendencies in you coley
and I won't say I don't like it
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:10:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:07:46 (#)
Ranking: -1
WELL ARE WE GONNA WRASSLE OR WHAT
I promise not to smudge your eyeliner! :)
____________________
okay I'll go first - post your camwhore next to mine and lets see who is the most popular?
let people vote by giving a minus to one of us and a plus score to the other.
oh yeah, I promise not to smudge your fake lashes and fake tan!
++++++++++++++++
HAHA OH YEAH
I don't have fake lashes OR a fake tan..I don't have a REAL tan for that matter. I'm a superwhite, white girl.
You are more than welcome to do a side-by-side of the 2 of us, I know I'm not a supermodel. But it could be good for some entertainment.
email me
rockfishrock.at.rock.com
THIS SHOULD BE GOOD!
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MY CamWHORE:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90706
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I sense lesbian tendencies in you coley
and I won't say I don't like it
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:07:46 (#)
Ranking: -1
WELL ARE WE GONNA WRASSLE OR WHAT
I promise not to smudge your eyeliner! :)
____________________
okay I'll go first - post your camwhore next to mine and lets see who is the most popular?
let people vote by giving a minus to one of us and a plus score to the other.
oh yeah, I promise not to smudge your fake lashes and fake tan!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:07:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:03:45 (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm a big fan of hot stuff, but this just wasn't hot.
I think it was written as if by someone who'd never had actual sex.
I would know, I had some about 2 yrs ago.
__________________
IF you are a chick then you would see its not realy meant to be erotic - its my interpretation of a stupid male walking into a trap - therefor the 'enlarged member' etc. not something a girl would think of obviously...
and the woman (or witch refer to jonnyx reply) has revenge
I appreciate the non mius 2 though
==========
I AM a chick.
And I don't like stupid males, I like my boys intelligent and creative and funny.
Like them a lot.
No -2 because you put effort into it, even if I didn't like it. Even if you are/aren't real, even if you are/aren't going to WRASSLE ME!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
WELL ARE WE GONNA WRASSLE OR WHAT
I promise not to smudge your eyeliner! :)
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:03:45 (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm a big fan of hot stuff, but this just wasn't hot.
I think it was written as if by someone who'd never had actual sex.
I would know, I had some about 2 yrs ago.
__________________
IF you are a chick then you would see its not realy meant to be erotic - its my interpretation of a stupid male walking into a trap - therefor the 'enlarged member' etc. not something a girl would think of obviously...
and the woman (or witch refer to jonnyx reply) has revenge
I appreciate the non mius 2 though
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:59:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:15:16 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:11:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
oh dear maltese is totally annoying me by posting song lyrices to bands no-one has ever heard of
-------------------------
Green Day and Nirvana obscure? Pull your head out of your ass.
----
This proves my point.
_______________
um fuckstick... you HAVE no point - you are trying to annoy me and boy is it working.
you are a fuckwit. no one likes you, you claim to have been a lurker for so long and you suck up to the regulars here.
I have seen you do it. you don't belong here child.
go home.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm a big fan of hot stuff, but this just wasn't hot.
I think it was written as if by someone who'd never had actual sex.
I would know, I had some about 2 hrs ago.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:12:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:10:47 (#)
Ranking: -1
It's gotta be pretty bad "erotic fiction" when it didn't turn me on AT ALL.
Try again.
_________________
Its not written for you then.
maybe you'd like the mainstream porn where it is gratifying only to males.
======
Um, NO? I'm a friggin chick, you idiot.
Use your psychic gothic witch powers to figure it out, beotch.
LET'S WRASSLE!
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 20:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:56:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
hilariously awful.
but poorly written as it was, i did laugh, so
ill give it a positive rating.
here's a rhetorical question- does it bother
you that most people on this site think you are
so shallow and stereotypical that you arent even
a real person?
but just ignore me and everyone else youve met;
im sure we're all just trying to bring you down.
__________________________________
Look at the people on this site - the silly drawings (s0me are funny) or how about the no content porn posts?
I am not shallow, my body of work proves it. and stereotypical?
um like, uh I DON'T like wear um like wear polo shirts or short shorts so I AM NOT like the girls I know - thts for sure.
Even if you missed what the post was about I'm glad you enjoyed it in some way.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:15:16 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:11:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
oh dear maltese is totally annoying me by posting song lyrices to bands no-one has ever heard of
-------------------------
Green Day and Nirvana obscure? Pull your head out of your ass.
----
This proves my point.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Even if you don't like them, EVERYONE knows Nirvana and Green Day.
I don't like Green Day though.
But I lurves teh Nirvana.
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wow. you wrote non-conform all over it and handed it back.
i think in about 5 years you're going to sell out and become a lawyer/business person/soccer mom. At which point in time I'll be sure to make it out to wherever you are just to shove your conformity in your face.
non-conform. Pish-posh. Everyone conforms to something, personal anarchy is nonexistant, you're always being led in thought.
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:56:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hilariously awful.
but poorly written as it was, i did laugh, so
ill give it a positive rating.
here's a rhetorical question- does it bother
you that most people on this site think you are
so shallow and stereotypical that you arent even
a real person?
but just ignore me and everyone else youve met;
im sure we're all just trying to bring you down.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was rejected for a reason.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was pretty good....I didn't see the ending coming, that is why I liked it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this, but you don't deserve all the bad treatment.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:41:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
Pure shit.
___________________
yeah, like you even 'get it'!
aren't you like a teacher or something - anyone in authority won't get my work. so just remember that before you click on one of my posts next time, chump.
NON CONFORM - FUCK AUTHORITY - NON CONFORM - FUCK AUTHORITY - NON CONFORM - FUCK AUTHORITY -
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:41:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:35:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
b) she is a witch, they can do anything
---
oh.
That actually makes sense.
Um, where in the story does it say that, I must have missed it...
Oh, and if I was grading that story, I would have made you re-write it just for the typos alone.
____________________
ARE YOU A COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING IDIOT?
its called reading between the lines you perverted fuckwit. HE is training to be a priest and its his LAST sabbatical - she is a witch or devil attempting to kill off a god soul so she tempts him and kills him.
next time try a book made just for you like 'see spot run' there is no thinking invloved and you don't have to try to understand the many different levels of my art.
Oh, and if you were my teacher our school would have you charged with being an old sick pervert. I have seen your posts and you really are a lonely old man.
I know you have masturbated to my camwhore, and yes it turns me on, so keep the insults cumming
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Pure shit.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:30:41 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:14:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:13:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
This is such a crappy post, I WANT it to stay on the front page
____________
Wether it gets taken off or not, I will still get to most heated, people eny it but my work is liked and enjoyed here
____________
Who said that?
_____________
I don't talk to blonde preppy flat nosed sluts
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut
The
Fuck
Up
seriously
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
b) she is a witch, they can do anything
---
oh.
That actually makes sense.
Um, where in the story does it say that, I must have missed it...
Oh, and if I was grading that story, I would have made you re-write it just for the typos alone.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:12:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Its not written for you then.
maybe you'd like the mainstream porn where it is gratifying only to males.
===
This was written for women?
HE DIDN'T EVEN LICK HER PUSSY.
But it is hilarious, so you get a point for that.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:14:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:13:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
This is such a crappy post, I WANT it to stay on the front page
____________
Wether it gets taken off or not, I will still get to most heated, people eny it but my work is liked and enjoyed here
____________
Who said that?
Submitted by stok (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bunch this is beyond a joke you are a fucken weird guy stop it
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:17:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
im sorry, that was awful
_____
thanks for being honest and not feeling the need to attempt to degrade me by trying to insult me in a review.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
im sorry, that was awful
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:11:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
oh dear maltese is totally annoying me by posting song lyrices to bands no-one has ever heard of
-------------------------
Green Day and Nirvana obscure? Pull your head out of your ass.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:13:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
This is such a crappy post, I WANT it to stay on the front page
____________
Wether it gets taken off or not, I will still get to most heated, people eny it but my work is liked and enjoyed here
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:12:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
so, she's giving him a hummer, and yet she can still reach around and high enough to stick a knife in his back?
What is she, a silverback gorilla?
______________
a) she is deep throating him
b) she is a witch, they can do anything
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is such a crappy post, I WANT it to stay on the front page
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
so, she's giving him a hummer, and yet she can still reach around and high enough to stick a knife in his back?
What is she, a silverback gorilla?
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:10:47 (#)
Ranking: -1
It's gotta be pretty bad "erotic fiction" when it didn't turn me on AT ALL.
Try again.
_________________
Its not written for you then.
maybe you'd like the mainstream porn where it is gratifying only to males.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh dear maltese is totally annoying me by posting song lyrices to bands no-one has ever heard of
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
It's gotta be pretty bad "erotic fiction" when it didn't turn me on AT ALL.
Try again.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:07:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-16 20:01:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
You take shit too seriously. If you can't take his insults then go cry in the corner. Remember, it's up the street, not across. Since you're predictable, I await my retal -2.
_________________
The pleasure is all yours!
------------------------------
*smiles* thank you. I do like the painting.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And once more...
Don't wanna be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation under the new mania.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mindfuck America.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Well that's enough to argue.
Well maybe I'm the faggot America.
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda.
Now everybody do the propaganda.
And sing along in the age of paranoia.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Well that's enough to argue.
Don't wanna be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information nation of hysteria.
It's going out to idiot America.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Well that's enough to argue.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate you, therefore you will recieve the [dis]honor of me posting song lyrics in your post just to annoy you.
Load up on guns
bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's over bored and self assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello
With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto, an albino
A mosquito, my libido
Yea!
Hey!
Yea!
I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello
With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto, an albino
A mosquito, my Libido
Yea!
Hey!
Yea!
And I forget just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it was to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello
With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto, an albino
A mosquito, my libido
A denial, a denial
A denial, a denial
A denial, a denial
A denial, a denial
A denial!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-17 19:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66409
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-17 18:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment