What's with the "I'm not a robot" talk. (1066 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: robots
Rating: 1.54 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by awesomeface (View user info) at 2006-08-18 14:10:40 EDT
When I was little my parents always worked and didn't have enough money for daycare. Plus they didn't have any friends so nobody wanted to watch me. Or at least when I tell this story I say my parents didn't have friends so I can hide the fact that I was a little asshole piece of crap little shit and nobody wanted to watch me.
Thanks to my grandma I got to go to this little private Lutheran school in Chicago. That was kind of like day care, except I had no prior history of streaking at the school so they let me in.
We had a problem though. After I would get off from school I would have an hour or two alone before Mom and Dad got home. So we had to find somebody to watch my rambunctious little ass.
We found out about this lunch lady that does a daycare not a block away from the school. So she took me in every day after school. Soon after she got fired from the school cause she hit some kids. I thought it was pretty awesome but she was a bitch.
I was like 8 or something at the time and Power Rangers was the shit back then. She wouldn't let us watch it because it was too violent. Pointing out that she got fired for being violent was a bad idea when bringing up an inquiry as to why you can't watch Power Rangers because she hits hard.
It wasn't long until everyone at the day care figured out I was a humongous gaping asshole child. I would eat peoples lunches and after school snacks because their food was better than mine. Then I would get into fights with the kids. There was only one who would constantly beat me up. His name was Nolan but I call him Nolan the cowardly surprise nut kicker since he lives really far away from me now and he can no longer surprise kick me in the nuts.
While reading this please overlook the fact that I call him a coward while admitting to calling him that since he can no longer hurt me, which is considerably cowardly.
So now that you are done not reading that last paragraph it's time to continue the story that is little me.
My excuse for getting into all these fights was that I was a robot. I was superior to all others due to the amount of metal and computer type things that were in my body that other robots have. I was convinced that I was better than everyone else.
"Good god you just smacked Jimmy in the face!" Violent hypocrite baby sitter would yell.
"I can't help it. It's in my programming." I responded in the most routine robot voice I could muster.
Soon I got kicked out for hitting other kids by the ex-violent lunch lady who got fired for hitting kids.
There I was. All my hopes and dreams of being a child molester smashed into itty bitty pieces. I figured I would have to be a murderer when I grew up to make a living.
My mother who was at wits end came up with a brilliant idea. She worked as an x-ray tech in a secluded part of Ravenswood hospital. The hallway where she worked had an old mammography room that was no longer used. There was a TV in there capable of hooking up video games. So I brought in my Playstation and hooked it up. I played video games all night in the hospital. The thought of how we afforded a Playstation but not daycare didn't cross my mind until 10 years later when I was telling a fake story on this website while at work.
After brining me to the hospital my mom's friends would sometimes stop in to see what I was doing. I would be scared shitless because resident evil just came out and I would be playing it when it was all stormy and dark out. She was concerned that I was playing games with zombies eating people. I told her that I was training to be a murderer since my dreams of becoming a child molester were squashed by a violent baby sitter. She never came in the room again.
One of my mom's other friends thought bringing in the kids was a good idea too. So that's when I met Dave. Dave and I would hang out all night in that hallway in the hospital playing all sorts of games. It was then that I finally revealed my biggest secret to Dave. I told him I was a robot. At first he didn't believe me but I had to show him some proof. So we had a race down the hallway. Dave and I tied. Refusing the fact that a mere "human" could match my speed I determined that Dave was also a robot. He gladly accepted my accusations and again used our robotic existence as excuses for doing bad things.
Out mothers became furious about us claiming we were robots. So they decided they would crush our dreams one day. They had us put on this big radiation proof vest that weighed about half my weight at the time. They took pictures of us with the x-ray machine and threw out the pictures that obviously showed my robotic parts. Then they intentionally placed two pictures of two different 8 year olds chest on the light board for us to see.
Dave and I being robots easily saw past this. I soon moved from Chicago to a western suburb. Dave stayed in the city and reigned as a robot while I ruled the suburbs. All was great until tragedy struck. Dave passed away. I was the only robot left. My search for others has gone in vain.
One trait I found in common between robots (Dave and I) was that we were unable to get erections, obviously due to a fault from our makers. My mom just says I'm important or something. I forget the word. I found others that could not get erections but they were just regular humans.
My mom wanted to set things straight for once. She was still convinced I wasn't a robot. I went to the doctor and my mom had a private word with him. He came in the room and sat down with me.
"I have some bad news for you son. Your parent's are getting divorced."
"Doctor!" My mother screamed.
"Your mother and I have been having sexual relations behind your father's back and your nuclear structured family will be destroyed utterly. You will turn to drugs and alcohol for comfort for the rest of your life."
"Doctor, not that!...the Robot!"
"Oh yeah...your not a robot kid. I thought I was too when I was little. Man I was fast." The doctor tilted his head up and looked at the ceiling while daydreaming.
Why should I trust the advice of a paid professional. What do doctors know besides how to get in my mom's pants and destroy my life?
I don't care how many people tell me. I always am and will be a robot.
User Reviews
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2006-08-23 18:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
awesome in your face you fuck! Did you even think when you rated that fat fuck tony piece of dirt?
Didn't think so. Use you brain you asshole.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-08-19 11:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Molesterific!
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-19 11:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-08-19 11:34:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
All I've ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter even though I own one, but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk. I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.
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hahah yes!
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-08-19 11:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All I've ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter even though I own one, but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk. I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-08-19 04:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, like, do you have sex with an allen wrench?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-18 19:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mc (user info) at 2006-08-18 19:04:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-18 18:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-08-18 18:57:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
The 4 Ric Flairs will discuss the various membership applications and make their decisions over the weekend.
Jackets will be handed out at the ceremony. You have to mercilessly beat a nun as the final initiation rite.
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Awesome. Im sure my refusal to do anything you ask will land me a sure spot in the gang.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-08-18 18:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The 4 Ric Flairs will discuss the various membership applications and make their decisions over the weekend.
Jackets will be handed out at the ceremony. You have to mercilessly beat a nun as the final initiation rite.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-18 18:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-08-18 18:43:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I approve of this tale.
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Am I in the gang yet or do I have to be repeteadly beaten and stabbed multiple times.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-08-18 18:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I approve of this tale.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-18 17:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sheblam
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-18 17:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-18 17:32:45 (#)
Ranking: -1
You lost me at 'when I was little'.
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ATTN GHEY MENZ!!!
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-18 17:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You lost me at 'when I was little'.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-08-18 17:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-18 16:50:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-08-18 16:44:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well Mr. Face, that was pretty awesome.
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butt secks?
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-08-18 16:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well Mr. Face, that was pretty awesome.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-08-18 15:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Looks left for Darko
Looks right for Darko
Doesn't see Darko
Filename sucks!
Yes, beat him to it!
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-18 15:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-18 15:40:30 (#)
Ranking: 1
IT'S just okay.
sorry.
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Ok?????
This is my bestest post ever!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-18 15:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
IT'S just okay.
sorry.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-18 15:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:55:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thoroughly enjoyed this
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omgogglles a method rating.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-08-18 15:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The thought of how we afforded a Playstation but not daycare didn't cross my mind until 10 years later when I was telling a fake story on this website while at work."
Hahahahaha.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thoroughly enjoyed this
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's it. I'm totally using this excuse for the rest of the day.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:36:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yuh huh.
"My mom says I'm important or something."
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You fucks didn't even read this did you?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, that's a pretty awesome face.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You and Awesomeo the Robot should make a buddy cop film.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:26:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
You reminded me of the dude from Grandmas' Boy that thought he was Neo and talked like a robot...
"I HATE YOUR FACE"
-Neo dude
-Grandmas' Boy
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That movie was incredible.
"How did they see me?"
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You reminded me of the dude from Grandmas' Boy that thought he was Neo and talked like a robot...
"I HATE YOUR FACE"
-Neo dude
-Grandmas' Boy
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Lots of potential. Just didn't like the way that it read.
"His name was Nolan but I call him Nolan the cowardly surprise nut kicker since he lives really far away from me now and he can no longer surprise kick me in the nuts."
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't think anybody who has rated this except for UOM has read this.
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn'r read it, but your face is awsome, so plus 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rating the poster.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:12:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome PLEASE tell me this spawned from the gabbly chat on robot sex ...
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I do not recall this chat. Ive been working on this one for awhile.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ain'T goT no how whaTchamacalliT
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome PLEASE tell me this spawned from the gabbly chat on robot sex ...