The Day the Teephphah Died: Crouching Redneck, Hidden Mullet (646 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: TDtTD
Rating: 2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie (hates her job) Derkins (View user info) at 2006-08-18 14:42:24 EDT
After a short hiatus, this series is back for today, and back next week. We don't work weekends. For those of you just joining us, or those of you who skip this part, go right to the story and think "WTF, I don't understand what's going on.", this recap section is for you:
In "The Alcohall of Fame" (http://www.ubersite.com/m/91581) Joining forces to combat the mobs of wigger/redneck hybrids, our heroes Icarus and Teephphah walked into a Walmart with loaded assault rifles, toppling a mannequin, and upsetting several shelves of feminine hygiene products. A night manager was later reported missing and presumed deported.
In "I'm the only hell Mama ever Raised" (http://www.ubersite.com/m/91650) Susie Derkins got so annoyed by rumors of nipple-twiddling, she ordered her flying monkeys to fling feces at a busload of starving orphans before pushing them off a cliff. JonnyX seems turned on by this and persists the rumours.
In "I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life" (http://www.ubersite.com/m/91687) Icarus's sister declared her love for Bigmouth and Boober Fraggle, settled down, and bore a litter of muppets. Jack McCallum, annoyed about being left out of the main storyline, engaged Loki in a battle royale creamed corn fight.
In "Enter the Derkins" (http://www.ubersite.com/m/91790) Susie learned that Teephphah was a real estate lawyer, and Teephphah learned that Susie wasn't too good at math. He told her to make sure she carried her units, so she tore off his unit. And killed him.
In ETS vs. The Sheeple of Ubersite (http://www.ubersite.com/m/91839) ETS presents shocking evidence that rednecks have a rich history and culture, understood and appreciated by too few people. After the presentation, the rusted 18 Wheeler rims the Hickoglyphs were engraved on were stolen and recently spotted on a 1976 Malibu in Memphis, Tennessee. ETS declares war on Memphis and sends his fashionably hatted army (seen here http://www.ubersite.com/m/91918) to pour their supply of Schlitz into the river. Many fish and waterfowl are killed, and many redneck tears are shed.
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"Fire the long nines!" Icarus bellowed, brandishing his cutlass. The guns on the deck thundered, vomiting fire, belching smoke, discharging a veritable arsenal of paintball weaponry; cannonballs, grenades, mortar shells, bottle rockets and pointy sticks to name just a few, into the charging horde of rednecks.
All the perimeter defenses; the motion-sensor sprinklers, the paintball claymores, the 'private property' signs; anything meant to retain the State's island existence among the redneck populace where blown through, and the enemy were scaling the dogeared picket fence. Icarus, still standing on the phone book he needed to see over the 6' fence, pulled two black powder pistols from his brace.
"Broadside of the Anti-Redneck(TM)!" He cried, emitting a halo of blue flames as he emptying their contents into the first skullet that breached the fence.
"Garrote Anti-Establishment Pocket Chain(TM)!" Jack shouted, hauling a redneck teenager down with his pocketwatch chain and throttling him until the boy's eyes seemed ready to burst from their sockets.
"Fist of the Pharmacist(TM)!" Cried the Sexy Irish Wife, in turn, peppering their ranks with a tennis ball launcher she'd rigged to fire expired pill bottles. Since she shouted the Theatrical Anime Phrase(TM) they exploded and turned into Pokemon, killing rednecks on impact.
"Guys," I said, "I don't have any Theatrical Anime Phrase (TAP), and Ick's bird feeders are all shiny and stuff."
"You're a lawyer. How about an attack based on ambulance chasing?" Jack suggested, firing off a spear gun rigged from toothpick autoloader and a can of WD40, "or prenups?"
"But I do real estate stuff." I whined. "Nobody would be impressed with 'Fist of the Zoning Variance(patent pending)!'"
"I know, you can help me with a science project." Icarus said, "we'll test an urban legend to see if it's plausible in the real world."
"What kind of urban legend?" I asked.
"Well, I saw on an episode of Mythbusters that Lawyers become indestructible once airborne. They dismissed it as bullshit, but I think it's plausible. Want to try?"
"I don't know if I believe that." I shook my head, why hadn't I heard of this?
"It's true." Came a female voice from behind us, we turned to see a grinning Susie Derkins coming towards us dragging a bloodstained yoga mat. "I've seen it. You have a trebuchet?"
"We can make one." Said Icarus, "Welcome to the Holy State of Getthefuckoutahere, glad you could make it."
"I wouldn't miss it." Susie replied, "I got tired of beating the rednecks back home. I have to say these are a new kind of breed."
"You mean 'new kind of inbreed'." said the Sexy Irish Wife.
"Very punny," Icarus rolled his eyes, "Isn't it time for your whisky soaked Cheerios?"
"Screw you, sweetheart." Said the Sexy Irish wife, "Do we HAVE any Glenfiddich?"
User Reviews
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-08-18 19:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 onaccounta my Ninja Nombre is "Couching Tiger" and my wife's is "Napping Dragon".
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-18 17:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anytime shit explodes into Pokemon I know I'm in for a good time.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-18 16:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-18 16:40:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
DEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHATT?
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??????
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-18 16:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHATT?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-18 16:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Tell you what, Jonny: get me a few pairs of those "free energy" producing pantyhose you mentioned and we'll talk.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-18 15:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NIPPLE
TWIDDLE
NIPPLE
TWIDDLE
NIPPLE
TWIDDLE
NIPPLE
TWIDDLE
NIPPLE
TWIDDLE
NIPPLE
TWIDDLE
NIPPLE
TWIDDLE
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-08-18 15:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And where did you get my baby picture???!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-18 14:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, the recap's getting ALMOST as long as the story itself. We may need to start packing the entire thing into a three-word sentence ("get a clue"), or stop caring about all the people we leave behind. It's what we did with Teeph after all...