People you should avoid in a restaurant. (959 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: comedy
Rating: -1.05 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maltese (View user info) at 2006-08-20 12:31:05 EDT
(NOTE: For those of you who were wondering, the Axolotl post wasn't my real post.)
You know them. Those annoying people that you are forced to eat with every time you go out to eat. Some are tolerable, while some are worse than others. Then there are the worst of them all, who you should avoid at all costs.
Whenever you go to a restaurant, there will always be one of the following kinds of people there, it's sad but it's true. So do your best to avoid them, because you never know - they just might rape your entire fucking family.
FAT GIRL WITH BABY - Let's get this one out of the way first because it's one of the worst offenders. There's an 18-year-old girl there who's two hundred fucking pounds and has her baby sitting next to her in a high chair. Also, the baby just keeps fucking WAILING and WAILING like a slug being raped in a salt factory and won't shut up. You might be tempted to either: a) smash your plate of soup over the baby's head, or; b) stab your throat repeatedly because IT JUST WON'T STOP. Neither of these will get you anywhere, so you're forced to put up with it. Then of course there's the problem of the highchair, which clutters up the aisles. I remember one particular time where I had ordered a 9-oz. Dallas Cut steak with cheese fries and waited for an hour for them to prepare it while I licked my lips with joy. Then they were carrying it towards me. That expensive steaky goodness would soon be mine. I saw the waitress, as if in slow motion, trip over a highchair in which said wailing baby of the fat 18-year-old mother sat. I watched in horror as one hour's worth of cooking and twenty dollars worth of steak hit the floor. Unfortunately, the bastard baby was not hurt. Dammit.
OLD COUPLES - Now these people just piss me off. Why the hell are you going to a restaurant, old-ing it up, while me and my girlfriend try to enjoy our food? Now if you all would just shut up and not spit everywhere, we wouldn't mind. Oh, but you do. A LOT. I remember when an old couple had just finished eating and were getting up to leave. They stopped near our table and initiated conversation. For five minutes I had to watch two wrinkled piles of shrivels talk - WHILE SPITTING ALL OVER OUR FUCKING FOOD IN THE PROCESS. I couldn't eat my babyback ribs after that. They were contaminated. Oh the sorrow.
GAY GUYS - Keep in mind I have NOTHING against gays. In fact, some of my best friends are gay and I myself am BID (bisexual if drunk), but if I'm sitting at a table - WITH MY WIFE - you do NOT attempt to come on to me (or cum on to me). Seriously, Fabio, think about it. If I'm sitting with my wife, who is six months pregnant, in a restaurant, while eating a burger, do you think it would be a good time for me to have a cock in my ass? No. Fuck you.
NUCLEAR REDNECK LEPERS FROM ANOTHER GALAXY - This only applies to you if you are in a restaurant in the Deep South. There will be a HUGE family of rednecks, plus their relatives (usually three kids, both parents, their grandparents, and two uncles or aunts to the kids; that's eleven of them). But not just ANY kind of rednecks. Rednecks that look like lepers. And not just ANY kind of rednecks that look like lepers, I'm talking about ones that look like they just survived a global thermonuclear war in a feces-covered cave. But not just ANY rednecks that look like lepers that look like they just survived a global thermonuclear war in a feces-covered cave, I'm talking about the kind from ANOTHER FUCKING GALAXY. And they eat, discuss Bush, John Deere tractors, "Peggy Sue's menopause" (what the FUCK? do I REALLY need to know about that when I'm eating?), trucks, and general topics of redneckery, all while opening up their gaping mouths not only to show the entire restaurant what they're eating, but also telling the world, "Hey world! I have NO FUCKING TEETH!"
DUMB BLONDE GIRLS - These are the girls that come over from the college just a few blocks away. They talk about anything that dumb blonde girls talk about, which I try desperately not to listen to because it will shrivel your brain while making your erection grow at the same time, which is generally like eating an ice cream cone while taking a shit. They'll talk about the oral sex they gave last night to a huge Bulgarian guy (there goes your appetite for your Coney dog), they'll talk about their yeast infections (suddenly the crust on your sandwich won't look so appetizing), they'll talk about their periods (there goes that container of strawberry syrup you were planning to drink when you got home), and just generally make you leave the restaurant masturbating but disgusted.
THE BIGSHOT - A rare specimen of the species Restaurantum Fuckerupus, because they are usually only found in restaurants located in large cities. This guy (in his mid-to-late-20s, usually) will come in, usually with five hookers that all wear fur coats. He'll order a thousand-dollar bottle of champagne while snorting the world's finest cocaine out of the world's only surviving one hundred thousand dollar bill, and will later wipe his dick with it after fucking each hooker. It really pisses me off to see people so rich when they could be donating to help fight hunger or AIDS, so one time I got to get back at jerks like them. My oldest brother, Daryl, worked at a fancy restaurant where this one bigshot would always go. One day the guy ordered a super-expensive soup, and I was there while Daryl prepared it. Daryl had to also go serve some things to another table, so while he was busy with that, I pissed into the soup and later watched the guy eat it, nobody except me knowing. The revenge, bitch! THE REVENGE!!!1!
THE FAT GUY - Ah. The classic asshole. Whether they blow a fart while walking by your table, accidentally get food on your shirt, or hog the only remaining bathroom while you urgently have to shit and just WON'T LEAVE THE STALL. There really is no solution to avoid a fat man, because due to their size, they will always find you. The only surefire way to avoid being asshole'd to death is to just drop your food to distract him and just RUN. Run and never look back.
User Reviews
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-07 14:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-07 14:39:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
Using your alter to boost your rating is bad form.
Submitted by exposed (user info) at 2007-02-03 16:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cause chad camels is da fucktards
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-21 18:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below fag below
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-08-21 16:31:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you're a fag, and fags don't get anything better and a -2by4 up their ass.
btw, there's no such thing as a bisexual man. regardless of the level of alcohol consumption.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sucked.
And make up your mind.
Girlfriend, wife or hand.
The truth will come out.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-20 15:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-20 14:52:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:57:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:39:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:37:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
like that guy...
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Better not be talking about me
_________________________________________
I believe he had you in mind. If not, I certainly did. . .
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I keep myself confident when an idiot like you says that knowing that I'm young and I've got a life ahead of me, where you're no doubt middle aged and wasting away perfectly useful moments in your life. I hope you're satisfied with your life thus far, because I can tell that beyond this age, you will accomplish nothing worthwhile if you're spending time on ubersite instead of say, getting a job.
PS- You're not funny or interesting to read, so I win.
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ps- talking to bubba not milkteser
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-20 15:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
for you, how about 1 post a week?
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-20 14:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:57:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:39:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:37:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
like that guy...
---
Better not be talking about me
_________________________________________
I believe he had you in mind. If not, I certainly did. . .
---
I keep myself confident when an idiot like you says that knowing that I'm young and I've got a life ahead of me, where you're no doubt middle aged and wasting away perfectly useful moments in your life. I hope you're satisfied with your life thus far, because I can tell that beyond this age, you will accomplish nothing worthwhile if you're spending time on ubersite instead of say, getting a job.
PS- You're not funny or interesting to read, so I win.
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-08-20 14:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 becasue i like ya
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:39:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:37:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
like that guy...
---
Better not be talking about me
_________________________________________
I believe he had you in mind. If not, I certainly did. . .
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:37:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
like that guy...
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Better not be talking about me
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're 16 years old and you have a pregnant wife. Somewhere, someone is writing a web-forum post about how you and your unfortunate ilk should be banned from all public places for the crime of being wretchedly stupid and depressing to behold.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:37:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
like that guy...
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you should roll out of here, man...honestly the only people who find you mildly amusing are the other newbies that have your same lack of humor reeking out of their shit posts.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, yall is the shit, but just so you don't piss the pimple-boys off, I'd keep it to one a day. Plus, you don't wanna get banned: that sucks tits.
PS- rock on, shit slave
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What makes it even sadder is that you really, really tried.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Buh bye, you foopid stucker with dain bramage.
The -1 was to keep you out of worst ever. . .
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:10:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude you haven't even been here a month and you've posted 37 times. STOP NOW.
______________________________________
A-fucking-men.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:10:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude you haven't even been here a month and you've posted 37 times. STOP NOW.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-20 13:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Worst ever. I think so. . .
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-20 12:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't wish to be rude, but this sucks worse than a Hoover.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-20 12:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shit.
STOP STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP STOP STOP STOP
STOP STOP STOP STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-20 12:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Rat
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-20 12:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Pure, unadulterated dogshit.
Back off and wait a week before posting. Then, before you post,
think about suicide. . .
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-20 12:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-20 12:31:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
How about one post a day, dickface?
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Couldn't have said it better myself.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-20 12:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How about one post a day, dickface?