Consider Yourself Warned (614 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.91 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <zfx84.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-08-21 10:50:00 EDT
The other day I made a trip to Walgreens to pick up a few things, mainly deodorant, because I had run out of my current stock and let's face it....I smell. Everyone knows it. Without deodorant I would smell like how old people smell after they've worked up a sweat by just sitting on their plastic covered couches all day while eating butterscotch candy.
So I walk into the nearest Walgreens and head over to the aisle with the deodorant sticks and shit, and look around at all the different brands and types. Then my eye catches on those body spray deodorants, mainly the Tag Body Spray ones.
I breifly remember the Tag commercials on TV, the guy will have sprayed it on himself and would usually have girls attack him randomly or would have other woman sexually come on to him...basically the commercials were saying to me that if I used Tag Body Spray, I could expect any women in the near vicinity to be suddenly attracted to me, purely by the smell and not by my looks.
So I decided to give it a try and see if real life is anything like how it's portrayed in a commercial. I grabbed the red colored Tag can that is called "Lucky Day" and sprayed some on me to see if this would essentially turn out to be my lucky day. I put the can back on the shelf and waited.
Nothing happened.
I glanced up and down the aisle, but I was the only one it in. I expected a hand would shoot out through the shelf from the adjacent aisle and grab me, like in the one commercial, but that didn't happen either.
Since nothing happened when I used the spray, I just assumed that maybe there weren't any women in the store to smell it, or they just weren't close enough. I grabbed another can, this time the blue colored one and sprayed some of that on me as well.
Still nothing, no one in the aisle, no hot women unable to resist me. I moved over and glanced down the next aisle only to find a lone guy there reading a magazine. He sniffed his nose and glanced up directly at me and gave me this cocky grin, then a wink. I slowly backed out of his aisle and away, back over to the deodorants, while I held my fingers in a cross position as if to keep him away like you would a vampire.
I put the second can back and thought, "Ok, the first bottle does nothing, the second one apparently attracts men, not women." Hoping that the third time would be a charm, I grabbed the black colored can and decided to walk around the store, spraying it on me as I passed by other people.
I found a woman over by the cold medicine; she wasn't fully attractive, but at this point I just wanted the damn spray to work. I sprayed some on me and walked right past her. She didn't even glance up or notice me, so I doubled back around. I stopped a few feet from her and pretended to be searching for some cold medicine as well, just so I'd have a reason to be standing there. Again, she ignored me and then finally walked off towards the cashier with her purchase.
Son of a bitch!
Obviously these Tag deodorant spray things don't fucking work! Those commercials are false advertisement and I was pissed. I had wasted my time, for nothing! Now, we all know what happens when I get angry.
I stormed back across the store and made my way back to the deodorant aisle. Every person that I came across on my way there, I sprayed the Tag body spray right into their eyes and let them scream out in pain as they collapsed to the floor.
Well, I guess Tag is good for something...in a pinch you can use it as a makeshift can of mace.
As I walked back into the deodorant aisle, I found a store employee restocking Tag body spray products on the shelf. I walked right up to her and grabbed her throat. I punched her three times in the face and then threw her body into the shelf, knocking most of the Tag, and other products, onto the floor. That's what she gets for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I then jump up and down and stomp on all the Tag body spray products that fell onto the floor. I even pick a few up and throw them at those silver domes on the ceiling that house the security cameras.
Still in the middle of my rampage, two store security guards enter the aisle from either end to try and calm me down and subdue me. But I will have none of that!
I quickly picked up the still unconscious female employee on the ground, and threw her at one of the guards. In his attempt to catch her, he fell over backwards and became pinned under her. I then ran up to him as he was pinned, and smashed my foot into his face. A loud thud followed as his head snapped back and hit the tile floor, then blood promptly began to squirt out everywhere like a lawn sprinkler.
I turned my attention toward the other security guard just as he was about to grab me from behind. I punched him in the nose to quickly phase him, then I ripped off his little security badge on his uniform and cut his throat with one of the pointy ends on it.
Blood ran like a river from his neck as he collapsed to the floor. Breathing heavily, I wiped the sweat from my forehead. Leave it to the black colored Tag can to be the one to cause me touble.
If it was going to be like this everytime I came to buy Tag body spray, then I didn't want to deal with it. I grabbed a stick of Right Guard off of the floor and made my way over to the stationery aisle...I needed to buy some new pens while I was there.
After that, I made my way over to the checkout line and as I awaited my turn, I heard over the store's loudspeaker "Cleanup in aisle 3. Bring a mop and a big bucket." I couldn't help but smile at that.
It was now my turn to be rung up, and as I walked up to the young female cashier, half covered in blood and sweat, she looked at me and smiled. Then she said, "You smell good." Damn right I smell good. I always smell good with innocent blood on my hands.
User Reviews
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-22 03:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jokes on you, those are Fag bodysprays
========================================
damnit! that's why they never work for me!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-21 18:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jokes on you, those are Fag bodysprays
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The killings part was what ruined it for you. Had a nice flow but then it got ugly.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was ok.
Once you did started with the killings you lost me.
You could have taken it in another, funnier direction I'm sure.
But all in all, it was ok.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-08-21 12:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was like DonkeyOnTheEdge in his prime, only not quite so good.
-Dave
Submitted by zfx84 (user info) at 2006-08-21 12:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
True? Yes it is...up until the point where I kill people.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is THIS true...?
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:48:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
forgot this
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Based on you past efforts, this was Shakespear.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:38:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know what...YOU'RE SUSPECT.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not too shabby.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus 1.5
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad fella.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
predictable, but not as painful as it could have been
Submitted by GodtheFather (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Well, I guess Tag is good for something...in a pinch you can use it as a makeshift can of mace."
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fags below, above, and to both sides (plus diagonals). This was good.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-21 11:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-21 10:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
At least you proofread and paragraphed it this time.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-08-21 10:50:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
consider yourself raped