The New Adventures of Diesel Jesus (608 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RPharazon (View user info) at 2006-08-21 12:35:05 EDT
I was walking down a street one day when I saw my good friend, Diesel Jesus, punching a kid in the throat and yelling what seemed to be a prayer.
"Oh Father!" Jesus bellowed in a voice that shook the foundations of the Earth, "Bless this fucking crybaby!" and He threw the kid into a passing fuel truck, creating an explosion which rocked the Earth.
I felt sorry for the poor ground, which has had enough to deal with without messiahs proclaiming things at the top of their lungs, and kids exploding everywhere, and ran up to Diesel Jesus.
"Hey, Jesus! How are you doing?" I tried to say, but it came out as more of a "Don't hurt me, please."
He turned around and faced me, laughed, and then gave me a Diesel Jesus action figure, complete with radioactive laser eye beams, and invited me to shop for manly things at the nearby strip mall, and being so full of bravery, I accepted.
"You see that hot chick over there?" Jesus pointed at a girl who looked 20-something, and had jubbly breasts.
"Yeah, why?" I asked.
"She's pregnant, but she doesn't know that!" Jesus guffawed.
"Christ, Jesus, you're an asshole."
We eventually stopped at a small convinience store, because Jesus said he needed to take a manly leak. I browsed around the energy drinks aisle, looked at some magazines, and bought some Mentos, the manliest and awesomest mint of them all.
After a minute or two, the ground shook again, knocking some porn magazines off a stand, which some kids quickly took and ran away with.
Jesus walked out of the washroom, looking as awesome as ever, and bought the remaining porn magazines.
"Jesus, I thought that porn was a deadly sin."
"It is, but I'm fucking Jesus! I can do whatever I want!" and he promptly ate a six-pack of beer, whole.
My bladder quivered in his behalf, and I had to go to the washroom.
As soon as I stepped in, I saw chaos. There was a massive hole in one of the walls, and a stall door had been flung clear out of its home, and into the body of some guy, who was now pinned to the urinals. Deciding that I wasn't going to piss on a dead body, I took a man-piss on the sink mirror, and promptly stepped out of the washroom.
Jesus was smiling at me, but it wasn't a "Oh, I show care for all mankind" smile. It was a "Hell yeah" smile.
Oh my God. He jacked off.
"Jesus, isn't jacking off a cardinal sin?"
"I'm Jesus, remember?"
"Ah."
The clerk wondered what was so funny, when Jesus told him about the state of the washroom, then promptly crushed his head with his gigantic hands.
"Oops," He muttered, "Human blood is always so hard to clean."
We stepped out of the store, when Jesus' Ultra-Pager beeped. Of course, being Jesus' pager, every time it beeped, it made a random keg of beer appear nearby.
"Shit. My dad wants me to help him clean out the garage."
"Heaven has a garage?" I pondered.
"Yeah, it's Heaven. Duh."
He quickly stashed the porno mags in his pants, and flew up in the sky. While on the way up, he killed a dinosaur, tackled an airplane, and ripped the head off a bird.
"You truly are the King of Jews" I thought.
User Reviews
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-10-10 23:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by OfficeZombie (user info) at 2006-08-23 15:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
would* (fuck)
Submitted by OfficeZombie (user info) at 2006-08-23 14:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was be a sin to not give this a +2
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2006-08-22 02:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rofl i loved the picture
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-08-21 23:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
picture
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-08-21 20:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're going to regret this...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-21 18:48:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-21 18:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the King of Beers for the King of the Jews....
(although, I was hoping you would have made this be 'Vin Diesel Jesus', but hey, its your story, not mine)
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-21 16:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my....
Bitchin in every way
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-08-21 16:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This killed. Fucking killed.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-08-21 16:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shock-value +2.
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2006-08-21 16:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...........Amen, my little lost sheepy peoples
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Diesel Jesus, DudeThatsBOSH and Chuck Norris need to have a three-way battle to the death.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Of course, being Jesus' pager, every time it beeped, it made a random keg of beer appear nearby."
---------
FUCKING GGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
Good shit.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 pic
Now let me read this.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude that's bosh
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-08-21 12:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FUCK YOU
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-21 12:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+20 000 000 000