So it turns out I have a kid. Now what? (1368 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.5 on 68 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2006-08-21 13:50:25 EDT
I feel like my fucking head is going to explode. I thought all of the bullshit was behind me. I guess that's what I get for thinking again.
I need some outside input on this, Uber.
Ok people of the internet, on Friday after having consumed at the very least 8 beers and several shots of Petrón, I had two visitors. One well tanned red head with larger tits than I last remember her having and one little fellow with a Spongebob shirt on.
After a sobering conversation, she seems to believe that the little boy is mine. Yes, he does look exactly like I did when I was that young. That's what clued me in before she even said anything. We sat on the couch and talked for awhile after he fell asleep on the love seat with one of my old blankets covering him. I continued to sip on the last beers from the 12 pack but my drunkenness was obviously gone.
Here's what I'm still reeling back about over this thing: how could she get pregnant without my knowledge? I mean, she was overly talkative and down right scary in the stalker department so how the hell could she keep such a secret?
It turns out that she had a cover story years ago that I never even questioned. She had told me that she was going to Eastern Europe on a 'mission' with her new church. In other words, she used God as a way of hiding her entire pregnancy and now comes to me hoping I'll receive her with open arms. Her reasoning was such, "I knew you just HAD to finish college and I didn't want to ruin that for you." I don't think Jesus would approve.
Fucking. Wow.
Was she really concerned about that or was she just planning on me making decent money out of college and then being able to take care of the kid? Fuck, I'm so confused.
I just got out of a relationship with a girl with a kid and now I'm finding that another one was just waiting for her opportunity.
What would make a woman do this? I mean, why wait all those years and then say, "Hey, I know you've graduated and have an okay job so......um...........here we are. Whaddya think?"
One last thing that concerns me: he's named after me. We share the same fucking name and I never even knew I'd gotten her pregnant. That freaks me out. However, I took them both to lunch today and it turns out that he loves Mexican food. That means he's great in my book.
I'll be staying over at her house tonight, hopefully getting to know the little guy and then subsequently getting drunk when he goes to bed. At this point, I'm not sure if I should fuck his mom though.
Fuck, I need a drink.
User Reviews
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-02-20 11:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
assholes in general. what about the kid? dont any of you self centred wankers think any further than the tips of your dicks (or tits for that matter)? the one thats gonna lose mostis the boy. but this is pretty much lost on all of you, isnt it?
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2006-08-23 14:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
uhhh... damn.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-08-23 13:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to make sure I tell my future son, "I fucked your mom".
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-22 21:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
SHUT UP wildcat
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-08-22 20:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Since nobody else has said it, I guess I'll have to.
I'm calling shenanigans.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-22 18:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
it's an ugly little twat then is it?
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-22 16:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And I'm supposed to.............what? Get angry? Ha.Fucking.Ha.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-08-22 16:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91825#2102250
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-22 15:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-08-22 14:56:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with that....do we get a follow up post about the results of the paternaty test?
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yes, post that result, pronto!
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-22 15:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good luck, old horse
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-08-22 14:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with that....do we get a follow up post about the results of the paternaty test?
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-08-22 14:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
NOT SERIOUS ENOUGH OK
I EXPECT HEMMINGWAY NOT HOW YOU DIDN'T USE A RUBBER ON OLD GANGBANG AND NOW SHE TELLS YOU IT'S YOURS
Submitted by Molari (user info) at 2006-08-22 13:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well fuck... the damage is done... i'd say "try to make it work with the kid AND her mom" but sounds like she decieved you about the whole thing so you wouldnt have a chance to suggest an abortion. wouldnt recommend a future with such a person. But if she honestly did hide it from you to protect you, then yeah try to make it work and even enjoy it.
Submitted by Boon (user info) at 2006-08-22 12:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think a double murder+suicide is in order.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-22 12:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a difference between having a child in your life and wanting it and having a child in your life and tolerating it out of duty. If you want to be a dad then you can take the kid in whether he's yours or not, if you don't want a kid then you shouldn't take him in whether he's yours or not. If you don't want to be involved then the kid is better off as far away from you as possible, and so are you.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-08-22 12:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think drinking might be your problem.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-08-22 08:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's her fault, not yours. She should have been on the pill. In fact, you should try and SUE her, for lying to you over something so important, then bringing about this mental trauma later on in life. Just tell the courts that you're pyschologically scarred (I'm sure they'll believe it).
Failing that, get one last ride out of her, and find some way to cheat the paternity test.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-22 08:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, I think I'm slowly beginning to discover how people get so fucked up during childhood. Your thoughts alone on the matter are not only foreign to me, but humorous in that you actually promote Deadbeat-Dad-ism. I mean really, if this was you, would you actually CHOOSE to be a deadbeat dad? I thought that's just something that happens along the course of time, not something actively chosen by said father. If I'm gathering what you're saying correctly, you mean to advise me to go into the situation with the worst possible demeanor and hope and pray that the kid turns out better simply because I'm not there.
Perhaps that's ok in the UK my friend but not in the US. We fuck our kids up good and right and hang around as long as possible showing them what NOT to do rather than leave them wondering who the fuck their daddy ever was. Well, that or we just pay child support and say fuck it.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-22 08:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:04:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
If he's yours, good luck on the parenting gig.
If he's not, make sure you fuck the mom first before she finds out.
~~~
HA HA HA
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-22 07:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck no, don't get a DNA test! Out and out refuse it. If you get tested and it comes up as yours then she's got you by the bollocks mate. If neccesry you should become a jehovahs witness so you can avoid being forced to give up your genetic material otherwise you'll be saddled with child support for a kid you never wanted. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on the kid.
No father which can be hated is better than some known entity which has to be hated, if you follow my meaning.
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-08-22 06:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You should get a DNA test.
Tell her Jesus was a fan of adoption and breast implants.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-22 06:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not that this is real of course. We all know that you are infertile.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-22 06:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bollocks to all this 'if he passes the paternity test then you've won him' bullshit. You're not cut out to be a dad. You drink alone for fucks sake; what kind of dad are you going to be? I mean is it something you want to do in any way shape or form? Quite blatently your only interest in his mother is and only ever was sexual so even if you stuck around the boy is either going to grow up with the shame of 'my mum was knocked up by this guy who's my dad, apparently.' or your constant petty bickering.
He's better off without you. I mean shit she'll probably turn him into a mormon or something but at least he'll be able to have his little mormon friends and have a little contentment.
Just tell her to fuck off and that you want nothing to do with either of them. It's the best thing you can do by the boy if your hearts not in being a father.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-08-21 22:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Make sure you put enough pesticides on the carpet before the kid starts walking.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2006-08-21 22:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
change your name to david berg and ask the kid "who's your daddy?"
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-08-21 22:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn.
Good luck.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-08-21 21:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sympathy +2. If she already agreed to the pat test, she's either got bigger balls than tits or you're a daddy.
Good luck with that.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-21 18:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for banging a redhead...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-08-21 16:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't think you're ghey either. i just think you have a deeply and unhealthy obssession with homosexuality.
you should get help, seriously. then perhaps you'll realize that you're ghey.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-21 16:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I never thought you were gay, asswipe.
You're repulsive to men AND women alike.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-08-21 16:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:15:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah, you probably should fuck her again
and maybe this time you'll get a little girl!
you're not too bright in the
"condom" department, are you?
hahahahahahahahahaha
AND: good luck dude.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This also proves one thing for Shlongy and Caul: I haven't always been gay.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I HAVE TEH PERFECT PLAN FOR YOU TURN ALL THE LIGHTS OFF AT BEDTIME BUT LET ME FUCK HER INSTEAD - 9 MONTHS LATER, DNA EVIDENCE EXONERATES YOU OF ALL WRONG DOING
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
my advice (aside from the obvious test) is, if you're gonna be paying for sex you had you might as well be paying for sex you're still having....
oh, and wear a condom.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I felt like a dick when I brought up the idea of the paternity test because this kid looks EXACTLY like I did when I was a kid. I'm 95% percent sure that he's mine based off of looks alone. That 5% is just me remembering how often I pulled out and how I'm an average looking cracker.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah, you probably should fuck her again
and maybe this time you'll get a little girl!
you're not too bright in the
"condom" department, are you?
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My face powers is hinting towards me that the kid is not yours.
Heed the word of my face. It knows things.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:06:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:00:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
and i hate women like that.
when the kid's old enough tell him mommy's a fuck up and everything's her fault. that'll make it all work out right.
also, i'd say fight for joint custody, that way you're guaranteed to be in the kid's life and you *probably* won't have to pay child support to her because you'll actually be a parent.
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That doesn't mean you don't have to pay, idjit. Whichever parent the kid doesn't live with pays. Joint custody means she can't go nd rack up $70000 in medical bills and demand that you pay them. It gives you equal say in medical care, etc. but it doesn't absolve you from paying child support if the kid doesn't live with you.
=====
Gotta love the child rearing advice from the 40 year old virgin.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:06:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:00:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
and i hate women like that.
when the kid's old enough tell him mommy's a fuck up and everything's her fault. that'll make it all work out right.
also, i'd say fight for joint custody, that way you're guaranteed to be in the kid's life and you *probably* won't have to pay child support to her because you'll actually be a parent.
-----
That doesn't mean you don't have to pay, idjit. Whichever parent the kid doesn't live with pays. Joint custody means she can't go nd rack up $70000 in medical bills and demand that you pay them. It gives you equal say in medical care, etc. but it doesn't absolve you from paying child support if the kid doesn't live with you.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-08-21 15:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So, you have a kid? Welcome to the elite clube of 80% of the universe.
The best advice I can give you is be a fucking man about it. Don't be some punk ass bitch.
MAN: Love the kid, regardless of it's many faults. Be there for "it". Sacrafice your self to provide. Be a fucking man.
PUNK ASS BITCH: Do nothing. "It" will grow to hate you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stay away from the kid's asshole, numbnuts. It's not for you.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:52:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
next time STICK IT IN HER POOPER
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well if you do sleep with her put it in her pooper so she doesn't come at you with another ankle biter.
Send me a picture so we can help advise if you should jam her.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um...
Can you get me some Eagles tickets, if this works out...you know, for the advice...and stuff?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOUR BOYS CAN SWIM!
As far as advice, listen to Bob. He's a smart guy.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The kid will be fine. Her Father and Mother are pretty well off since her grandparents died and gave them everything. I don't think it's about money or anything. I'm not certain though. She drives a brand new Acura and works part time at her cousin's tanning salon only because they need help. Her parents fully support her and the kid.
I don't want to see her Father again though. The man used to play defensive line for the Eagles. He's built like an industrial sized Fridge.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:11:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to my world, MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!1!
__________________________
hahahahaha-
I feel so sorry for your kid, Maltese.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1. Hands off until the pat. test.
2. Once you get the results (which will be negative btw, this bitch is looking for a free ride), tell her how excited you are to be parents with her and life happily ever after together forever and ever.
3. Get her to do things in the sack that you've only dreamed about. This can last for 30 minutes or a couple weeks. Depends how long you can stand her and the little one.
4. Tell her "It's not you, it's me. This kid isn't mine and my wife (whether you have one or not) is wondering where I am. I bet if you lose a few pounds, you'll find a replacement Daddy in no-time..."
5. Walk out laughing hysterically yelling out time and again about the things she let you do to her.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:08:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
Get a paternity test.
Stay away until you know for sure.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
actually i meant "what blitzkrieg bob said"
not welcome to my world muthafuckaaaaa, although that is also a very nice sentiment
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy, I'll never take 'kid' advice from someone that can't have children. As much you like to think you're some pseudo-ladies' man, this just goes to show I'll always have one thing you won't in your preferred department: functioning testicles.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I guess it's time to start looking for a new double-wide to move into, Jim Bob.
Unless you're all planning on sleeping in the same bed, which I realize, is pretty much the norm in your neck of the woods.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what he said. good luck with all that!
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Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to my world, MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!1!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Get a paternity test.
Stay away until you know for sure.
If he's yours, then man up and accept responsibility...I'd stay away from mom though, she sounds like damaged goods.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This kid will be petitioning the courts for emancipation the day he:
1) Discovers what a fucking loser he has for a dad
2) Can walk
C) Can sign an "X" where his name is supposed to go on the legal paperwork
You're a moron. Nice job, Ward Cleaver.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck outside input. Here's some inside output:
1. Pat test. No question.
2. That bitch deserves a hundred-hand-slap about the face. Let me know if you'd like to commission me for my services here.
3. Stop getting toasted and fucking mothers, you mother fucker.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If he's yours, good luck on the parenting gig.
If he's not, make sure you fuck the mom first before she finds out.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 Insist on a paternity test.
#2 don't fuck the MILF until you're sure you want to get mixed up in that again. You're not still boyfriend/girlfriend for a reason, her going off on some mission not withstanding. You could have kept in contact but didn't. It wasn't worth enough to try? What's gonna make it worth it now?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-21 14:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and i hate women like that.
when the kid's old enough tell him mommy's a fuck up and everything's her fault. that'll make it all work out right.
also, i'd say fight for joint custody, that way you're guaranteed to be in the kid's life and you *probably* won't have to pay child support to her because you'll actually be a parent.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob, his name is Dustin. Which is one of the gayest names in the whole fucking world, just ask Alain.
I forgot to mention that we're getting the test done on Thursday. I brought it up during lunch and she went ahead and scheduled.
Submitted by ballsonurchin (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck it just keep getting drunk. it will all blow over, and before you know it he will be in juvie, and out of your hair.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Take the little shit to the clinic for a paternity test, dipshit. Another reason why you should always pull out and mess the ladies hair.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1) Who the fuck in their right mind names their kid Wildcat? That should set off alarm bells...
2) If the is she nanny guns then +2
3) If not and her tits are bigger than you remember FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF HER
4) Would you be getting in a relationship with her just because of the kid? That is the wrong place to start if so, if you like her though, then DO IT.
5) Get a paternity test, looks can be decieving. If you dont want to flip the bill for it though, fuck her mom and Maury will pay for the test AND you get some 'on air' time to try and pick up new chicks.
6) Lists are gay
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
holy crap
well uh hmm congratulations it's a boy
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha I was thinking Maury. At least he has paternity tests for FREE!!!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-08-21 13:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JERRY!
JERRY!
JERRY!
JERRY!
JERRY!
JERRY!
JERRY!
JERRY!
JERRY!
JERRY!
JERRY!
JERRY!