eisoptrophobia. (402 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.42 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by hmccready (View user info) at 2006-08-26 20:00:32 EDT
She averts her eyes, looking up into the light, studying the ceiling tiles, or looking down at her feet, at the single painting on the wall behind me. "I don't know," she says slowly, her words like a long, steady exhale. "I don't really want to talk about it." She twitches nervously, fixing the clothes that hang shapelessly off her body, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ears, tapping an anxious beat into the chair, shivering even though it isn't cold.
"All right," I answer.
We are arranged in a haphazard circle, our chairs and ottomans and pillows drawn facing each other, and strangely, it is sort of like how kindergarten used to be. You would all sit in a sloppy circle, Indian-style, around the Reading Rug, and hear a story about knights slaying dragons, or children resolving their problems, or kindness or manners or beautiful princesses.
The topic of the story wasn't important. What mattered was the ending.
What mattered was that good conquered evil.
This is sort of like that, except here our stories aren't resolved.
Here, we're all running away from something. We're all searching for our own happy endings.
In our stories, there is no such thing as beauty. Our dragons are drugs or sex or pain, and there are no knights to make them disappear. Children aren't so innocent, here.
It isn't as simple as it used to be. Here, a fairy tale is just a fairy tale, and you can be certain that happiness is not how our stories end.
Here, good never conquers evil.
There is no difference between good and evil. In fact, doing something evil feels ten thousand times as wonderful as doing something good. And that's why we're all here.
Lily is the one who shivers. Her eyes never meet mine, and I have never properly seen their color. Her hands sometimes lay motionless in her lap, but usually they never stop moving. She is a like a mannequin who is wearing someone else's clothes, someone else's skin, and someone else's life. She doesn't seem to fit inside her own soul.
For a moment there is silence.
"Oh, for God's sake. She doesn't fucking eat."
We all turn to look at Peyton, who sits to my right, her legs tucked in front of her. Her brown hair is the color of dust. She wears athletic shoes and a long-sleeved shirt that she pulls down around her wrists to hide the history of track marks. "Well?" she says. "It's goddamn obvious, isn't it?"
I look at Lily. She coughs softly and bites her lip.
"I don't think that's really - ," I start.
"It's better than being a fat fucking pig," Macy interrupts. The curls that frame her round face are so tight and hardened that when she moves I fear they may break off.
She smells like hairspray and fast food.
"Honestly," she continues, "I wish I looked like her. She doesn't have to shop in special stores or worry about stretching out the clothes she borrows from her friends. She doesn't have little kids staring at her or people who call themselves adults who insist on whispering about how she should go on a fucking diet. I bet she's never been an outcast. Actually, I bet she was the pretty one in high school, the popular one who got all the boys. She doesn't have to worry about breaking a chair when she sits in it or the onset of diabetes or heart disease. She doesn't get tired walking up the stairs." Macy nods. "Yeah, I want to look like her."
"Are you fucking serious?" Peyton asks, raising an eyebrow. "She's a goddamn skeleton."
"Would you stop talking about her like she isn't in the room? And, Peyton, is it really necessary to have a curse word in every sentence that comes out of your mouth?" The words are Elizabeth's.
Elizabeth is pale like the rest of us.
Pale comes standard in the city.
She's tall and thin, thin like a model but not thin like Lily. She bites the corner of her mouth when she isn't speaking, her lips just barely parted. Her eyes are blue. Her eyes are vacant.
"Elizabeth, if you want a clean conversation," Peyton says, the left side of her mouth pulled up slightly in a smile, "go read the fucking Bible."
Elizabeth doesn't answer.
Welcome to Revelations.
Every Saturday morning it's the same. Eleven in the morning and people show up at my door, usually girls and lately these same girls. Most of them have been appointed to me by their counselors or addictions treatment centers. It's supposed to be a form of therapy, talking out your problems, telling your stories, and getting positive feedback and reinforcement.
Usually it ends up like this.
"Is that true, Macy?" I ask.
She looks flustered. "Is what true?"
"Do you really think Lily doesn't have to worry about her weight?"
Lily is one extreme. Macy is the other.
One is a showroom of bones, watery, sunken eyes, and a silent, helpless stare. The other is ravenous, starving for food and love and adoration. An attention glutton.
Macy eyes Lily suspiciously.
Lily stares at the prim navy mary janes that overflow with Macy's feet.
"I don't know," Macy says.
"Lily, do you worry about your weight?" I ask.
For a moment it seems like Lily doesn't hear me. Her eyes remain on Macy's feet, and then slowly ascend, up Macy's leg's to the floral-print dress that belongs on a sofa, to the stubby fingers that play with the fringe of Macy's flea-market purse, and finally come to rest on Macy's flushed, round cheeks that lay beneath a spray of freckles. "I sure wouldn't want to look like her," Lily says, and every word seems to require an immense effort.
Macy flinches.
Peyton laughs.
Elizabeth speaks.
"Of course she worries about her weight," she says. "Everyone worries about their weight."
"I don't," Peyton offers.
"Of course you don't," Elizabeth answers coldly. "You're too busy worrying about where you're going to get your next fix."
Peyton raises an eyebrow. "So what the fuck are you here for, exactly? You aren't a goddamn princess, you wouldn't be here if you were. What's your thing?"
"Excuse me?"
"Your thing. Your reason for being here. I mean, this one doesn't eat," Peyton says, pointing at Lily. "This one eats way too fucking much, and I just happen to like speed. So what's your thing?"
"I don't have a thing."
"What is it?" Macy asks. She is genuinely interested.
"I don't have a thing," Elizabeth insists.
"Just tell us your fucking thing and get it over with," Peyton says.
Elizabeth closes her eyes briefly. "Sex," she says, and the way the letters come out it is as if she's telling everyone in the entire world the secret contents of her mind.
"Well, fuck," says Peyton. "Everyone likes sex. That doesn't make it an addiction."
"I don't like being a goddamn whore, if that's what you mean," Elizabeth says, infuriated. "I don't like seeing a relationship I genuinely like fall to pieces because he finds out my history or because I tell him I have a fucking disease or because I sleep with his best friend."
"So why do you do it?" Macy asks. "If you love someone how can you lie like that?"
"Like you would know," Elizabeth says angrily. "I bet you're still a virgin."
Macy doesn't answer.
Peyton laughs.
I speak.
"Macy raised a good question, Elizabeth. If you don't like what you do, then why do you do it?"
Elizabeth hesitates. "The same reason Peyton shoots up, does something stupid while she's high and regrets ever doing it, but does it again anyway. The same reason Lily can't eat a tiny sliver of cake and the same reason Macy eats the whole damn thing. I don't know what the reason is, exactly, but I know I can't help it. I can't resist."
"Thirty minutes of sex burns four hundred calories," Lily offers quietly.
Peyton laughs again. "No wonder you're so fucking thin, Elizabeth."
"How come you can't help it, Elizabeth?" I ask.
She looks at me. She shrugs.
"How come none of you can help it?"
"We're fucked up," Peyton says. "We are the fucking outcasts of society. We live in the alleys and in the gutters and in the penthouses of America. We're the ones who were too busy using or fucking to listen to the speeches they gave us in eighth grade health class. We're sick, we're fucked, and we have no hope. No matter how many seminars or treatment centers we go to or how many inspirational speeches we listen to, we will never change. We will always need our fix."
Everyone looks at her and for a moment we take it in. I can see the hope fading from Macy's eyes, the hope already gone in Lily's.
You have to lose all hope to live up to your expectations.
You have to lose all hope to gain back your life.
I look at the clock on the wall behind Lily's head. It's twelve-thirty.
The others follow my gaze and begin to stand.
"Before you leave," I say, and they all sit down. "I want to know your biggest fears."
Silence.
"Happiness," Peyton says. She laughs, but out of embarrassment. She has accidentally let down her guard. "I don't fucking deserve to be happy."
"Loneliness," Macy says. Her eyes are shining with tears.
"That's mine too," Elizabeth says. "Never falling in love. Never having a kid and a white picket fence and a pair of mismatched oven mitts. Never having a family."
Silence.
"Lily?" I ask softly, looking at her.
She shifts her gazes from the floor to my eyes, and I can see that her eyes are green, pale seawater green, and her dark tangled hair falls across them.
Her reply comes slowly and quietly, and if I hadn't been listening carefully I might have never known. "Mirrors," she says, and her pale lips wrap like wind around the letters.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-28 17:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm guessing that word means 'fear of +2s'
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-08-28 06:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some parts had too many words. In a short story, you should be looking to
cut out any word or phrase that doesnt add to the story.
example-
"This is sort of like that, except here our stories aren't resolved...
...Here, good never conquers evil. "
could be without losing much-
It isn't as simple as it used to be.
Here, we're all running away from something.
There is no such thing as beauty. Our dragons are drugs or sex or pain, and
no knights to make them disappear. Children aren't so innocent, here.
Here, you can be certain that good never conquers evil.
Also, some of your philosophical interjections seem somewhat forced.
"There is no difference between good and evil. In fact, doing something
evil feels ten thousand times as wonderful as doing something good. And
that's why we're all here."
not only is this phrase contradictory, but it doesnt explain to me at least
why they are there.
The descriptions are pretty good though. The people felt real.
I thought the idea of mixed therapy was amusing, although that might not
have been intended.
So is Lily afraid of her addiction or of the truth? I thought the
ambivalence works well there.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-08-28 04:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Need to work on your spacing, but overall was pretty good
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-08-27 13:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by mini_plum (user info) at 2006-08-26 21:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
too many words and I didn't understand the title
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-26 20:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Quite gay.
Quite.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-26 20:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked parts of this, if it's supposed to be part of a series. If it's not, the ending didn't do much for me.
You need a space between paragraphs on Uber.