So it turns out I have a kid. Now what? Part 2 (745 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.96 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2006-08-28 16:12:27 EDT
Before I give an update I just wanted you all to know that this wannabe, John Mark Karr, freaks me out. He looks exactly like one of my college roommates my junior year. Which of course makes him eligible for the death penalty even if he didn't commit a crime simply because he's an A-sexual's look-alike.
Now on to the shit storm.
I took a paternity test last Thursday to see if I was a father. I met the ex and her kid around 10:30am in the parking lot of the place and we strolled in, I held the door for them of course. After all was said and done they told me it could take 5 business days or more to get this whole thing figured out and then gave me the speech on percentages and what they mean. I was also given a business card on my way out. What the fuck I'll ever need with their business card I'll never know.
Fuck 5 business days.
It's been about 3 and at 10:47am this morning I received a phone call.
As of 3:08pm I am a confirmed father. Somewhere in the distance I could hear Darwin cry when I read the paper work. As I walked back to my car with what felt like a 400 pound piece of paper in my hand, I decided to quit drinking altogether and get my shit straight with this situation.
I'll be going over to her house after work today. I wonder if that piece of paper is going to feel any lighter? She says she's cooking pork-chops and mashed potatoes. At least something pleasant will come out of the day.
Oddly enough I heard the song "There Goes My Life" by Kenny Chesney on the way back to my office. Look up the lyrics if you haven't heard the song.
I'm feeling pretty lost right now.
I think I'll start with dinner tonight and see where things end up.
User Reviews
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-08-29 07:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ooo, you wrotes a check and now you gotsta cash it. Shoulda used the Mastur-card.
Good luck and accept the above poor wit as encouragement to make the best of the situation. *makes gun-finger, winks*
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-08-29 02:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh, thank God. For a minute there I thought the world was running into a shortage on unwanted children. Way to do your part.
Condoms ftw
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-08-28 20:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its only a kid. not the end of the world, you can still be an actual person.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-28 20:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't bother...it's as lame as Part 2.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-28 20:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, what the fuck?
I shall have to read episode 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-28 20:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How are you going to react when he grows up to love the cock? HUH???
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-08-28 20:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by oasisrock (user info) at 2006-08-28 20:18:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I'm being a retard but what's to say that you aren't going to enjoy the whole gig? The Mother is a different story but the kid is innocent in all this so I think you should at least *TRY* to get to know him. Might be you just fall in love with the little guy before you know what's happening, you know....
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I agree. My experience with this (second-hand: my fiance has a kid with his psycho ex) is that it sucks dealing with the mother, but the kid more than makes up for that.
Submitted by oasisrock (user info) at 2006-08-28 20:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I'm being a retard but what's to say that you aren't going to enjoy the whole gig? The Mother is a different story but the kid is innocent in all this so I think you should at least *TRY* to get to know him. Might be you just fall in love with the little guy before you know what's happening, you know....
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-08-28 17:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this is true...holy fucking crap. Fatherhood is kind of like making the perfect rum and coke. You're bound to fuck up in your first few attempts, but the reward at the end is worth it (or, you won't care because you'll be drunk).
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-28 17:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-28 17:29:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sucks to be you, hahahahaha. Seriously, I know someone that will take each one of them out for 10k a piece. It sounds like a lot now, but it'll be cheaper in the long run.
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bwhahahahahaahah, best review in awhile.
Wildcat man, best of luck to you. Be the best father you can to the child and hope to god the redhead works.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-28 17:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sucks to be you, hahahahaha. Seriously, I know someone that will take each one of them out for 10k a piece. It sounds like a lot now, but it'll be cheaper in the long run.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-08-28 17:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:50:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
Your child is more important than you. Please do your utmost to sit down with your ex and figure out how best to help its life.
I wish you the best... as for the people who say "now is the time to start drinking" or some variation on that, notice none of them have kids.
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I've got two kids.
It was a joke, ass-wipe.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your child is more important than you. Please do your utmost to sit down with your ex and figure out how best to help its life.
I wish you the best... as for the people who say "now is the time to start drinking" or some variation on that, notice none of them have kids.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the darwin screaming made me smile.
btw - next time be a trojan man.
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry to hear that.
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Quit drinking?
Shit man, now is about the time you need to start double-fisting beers like there's no tomorrow.
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He's right you know. You might want to give coffee and cigarettes a try too.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was thinking about telling them that I had planned on hiking the Apalachian Trail and then never coming back. That oughta throw them off the case for atleast 7 or 8 months and by then I'll be set up nicely in Thailand or some other third world nation like Canada.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hahahaha
owned.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good luck with all that!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a +2 just so something can go your way. Even if it's not a real-life thing. The +2, that is.
I'm not a dad (that I know of), but my mind has come up with some crazy scenarios in those moments in-between consciousness and full-fledged dreaming. A lot of what I'm aiming for right now would go straight out the window.
Not that I'm any sage, but I would suggest that you make damn sure that the kid never feels like he was a mistake (maybe that's the case in reality, but it's not something a kid should be aware of until they're mentally capable of dealing with it).
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quit drinking?
Shit man, now is about the time you need to start double-fisting beers like there's no tomorrow.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with everything.
And hey, at least you know your nuts work. Take some satisfaction in knowing that one of the billion Almost-Wildcats that you've fired in your lifetime went out and did something with his life. He found that egg and he hacked the shit out of it until he made himself a happy home.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:24:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fag below.
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Damn you GC and shlongy. This was meant for fucktard #3.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fag below.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sell everything you own, Close your bank accounts, and buy a one way ticket to a small mexican fishing village.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
With each post, you prove more and more each day that you are a WINNER!
No WONDER we're all jealous of your life.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OH MY GOD YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON EVER TO SHAG A SLUT THEN GET HIT WITH THE FILTHY SPAWN A FEW YEARS LATER.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well good luck with that
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so, does this mean that you have a new fiancee as well?
You might as well, since she's gonna take half your shit, and you're not even going to get to have sex with her.
My advice? Drive to the Outer Banks, and start swimming east until you don't care anymore.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poor kid
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-28 16:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Although you're shocked, this is probably a good thing.
P.S. Don't quit drinking.