Poseidon: How To Make a Shitty Movie (1237 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.38 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Thomas R. Sorrell - sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2006-08-29 09:19:47 EDT
My wife and I sat down on our big comfy couch Friday night with several slices of pizza, a handful of Lays potato chips, and an ice-cold soda placed carefully on the TV trays in front of us. Inside my PS2 was a DVD: Poseidon. If I were teaching a film-making class, this would be the movie I would show as an example of How To Make a Bad Movie.
Now, I have to admit that I wasn't too excited about watching the movie from the get go, as the cover of the movie had (as they say in my hometown) "done went and pissed me off." You see, on the cover is a picture of this gi-fucking-gantic cruise ship sailing up a wave that is three times its size. Right. According to my extensive research (ie: guessing), your average cruise ship is roughly 358 feet high. And the wave on the cover was three times as high as that. So we're basically looking at a 1,000 foot high wave...in the middle of the ocean...and they called it a "rogue wave." Riiiiiiight. A 1,000 foot high rogue wave. And the stuff that comes out of my ass is actually made of sugar. Who wants to eat it? I mean, come on...what is this, The Perfect Storm? "YAAAY! LET'S SAIL STRAIGHT UP A 1,000 FOOT WAVE!! WOOO!! DIRK DIGGLER LIVES!!" Ignoring the fact that the only thing that could produce a 1,000 foot wave is an asteroid impact or nuclear detonation to awaken Godzilla, I was still frustrated, you know, seeing as how under no circumstances would a wave EVER be crested in the middle of the ocean. It's simple science, for God's sake. Watch the Discovery channel special about Tsunamis if you don't believe me.
So yea, there's this thousand foot wave on the cover which made me a bit apprehensive about the entire movie. I had no idea what to expect. I knew they were trying to make this a legit movie with Kurt Russell, Josh Lucas, and Frank Stallone...er, Kevin Dillon, but how can I take them seriously when they completely spit in the face of ration right on the cover of the movie? At least when I watch drivel like Triple X I know what I'm getting going in. Two hours of explosions and mindless entertainment. But no, Poseidon is not two hours of explosions and mindless entertainment. Poseidon is two hours of soul-sucking craptaculous nonsense vomited onto a movie screen...the movie equivalent to castor oil.
Let's list off some things that make a bad movie:
1. Predictability.
Holy shit yes. Poseidon has this in droves. Let's just say that if you're not of Anglo-Saxon decent you're not surviving this movie. Hispanic cook? Dead. Black captain? Dead. The list goes on, but I won't spoil anything for you, just in case you want to spend two hours watching this shit stain of a motion picture at some point.
2. Pathetic Dialogue
Erm, yea. "They don't call you Lucky Larry just because. You have to be lucky." No shit? "This ship is not going to float upside down." Really? "We have to get out of here before we all die!" Holy fuck, how profound! Any other words of wisdom, Voltaire?
3. Reaching for "goosebump" moments/girl power!!
Kurt Russell's daughter's boyfriend gets his leg pinned under a scaffolding. His girlfriend and another girl are trying to get it off his leg. Kevin Dillon comes up to try to help them. They can't get it. Dillon says something like, "It's too heavy." The girlfriend screams back, "WE CAN DO THIS!!!!!" They immediately life the scaffolding off his leg.
Excuse me, I have to go clean myself off. I just shit my pants from excitement.
4. A lack of any type of character development/explanation whatsoever.
I guess the Josh Lucas character was in the Navy for a while and likes to gamble and Kurt Russell was the mayor of New York for a while. Richard Dreyfuss is some sort of business man who is gay and was left by his boyfriend. I don't really know, seeing as how the time between the opening credits and massive wave was approximately 17 seconds.
5. Logic? What does that mean?
Like I mentioned before, the Richard Dreyfuss character was left by his boyfriend, so he orders a 5,000 dollar bottle of wine for his friends, then goes outside to jump off the ship to commit suicide. Then he sees the wave. Now, he was going to commit suicide, right? He was going to jump off the boat and drown in the ocean. He was on the fucking railing. But he sees the wave, and rather than let it kill him instantly, decides to go back into the ship to avoid getting killed. Um, yea. This makes complete sense.
6. Annoying kids.
The kid in the movie wanders away from his mother something like 2,789 times, including at the end when there are explosions and water and fires and dead bodies all around. Sadly he lives.
7. Completely ripping off the end of Armageddon.
Ok, so I ruined the end of the movie for you. Big deal. I'm saving you a few hours of your life. You should thank me. But seriously, it's not like Armageddon is the pinnacle of cinema. I don't recall too many people leaving the theater after Bruce Willis bites it in place of Ben Affleck in tears. Needless to say, it doesn't work in this either. And it's quite abrupt. Like, one second the dad is there the next second he's gone.
Honestly, you know you're watching a bad movie when you're openly rooting for every character to die, despite the fact that the director wants you to cheer for them when they finally make it and does everything except light up an "applause" sign at the end of each "intense" sequence.
There was one bright spot. After the wave hits, some random one line character runs up to the captain in the main ballroom and delivers a line, then makes a "I just shit myself and need to find a bathroom before it seeps into my shoes" face and runs away. Completely unintentional, yet totally hilarious. We rewound that scene four times.
So yea, this movie sucks. Don't waste your time or money...unless you're a masochist. Then by all means, enjoy.
User Reviews
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2006-12-24 06:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The Red Soxs are always winning, until they lose.
hehehe
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-12-24 06:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The physics behind a 1000ft wave aren't totally implausible. I dont care enough to reference.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-12-24 00:06:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
crappy remake... but in all fairness to the "science genius inplausability factor" regarding the 1000 foot wave, back when the original movie was made the people that wrote it assumed that it was completely plausable to have such a wave, where there was not enough scientific explaination to make any other conclusion.... how else are you gonna flip a fucking giant cruise ship????
they simply figured these giant ass waves did exist. kinda like the movies that had cavemen walking around with dinosaurs. or the old popeye cartoon where he went to mars and the clouds were in space.
if they remade journey to the center of the earth, would you bitch then too?
but yeah the movie did suck ass.
now i will wonder why in terminator why they didnt just implant swarzenegger with a nuke to just wipe sarah out when he came in close range (like a city block, or 20) confirm the location of sarah...then "KAFUCKINGBLAMMO", roll credits.
Submitted by twburger (user info) at 2006-12-23 22:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If this movie was re-edited and dubbed with the material from this review and these comments in a manner like Woody Allen's "What's Up Tiger Lilly" it could be better than Airplane!
This type of film review reminds me of "Mystery Science Theater 3000".
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-08-30 08:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course the phrase Game 6 means something to me. Game 6 was my first memory as a sports fan...and it's a bad one. I can only assume this movie is about said contest, and I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to relive that moment.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-29 20:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Dipshit...if you haven't seen "Game6" - even if you think Michael Keaton has blown goats since "Mr. Mom"...you're an idiot.
Doesn't "Game 6" mean anything to you?
Think about it, son, before you anwswer...and then go RENT IT.
You can thank me later...maybe with a check.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-08-29 19:48:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Michael Keaton's still alive? I thought he died on the set of Jack Frost...or White Noise.
I intend to rent that movie with Michael Douglas and Jack Bauer, er...Keifer Sutherland on Friday.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-29 19:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Why would any supposedly normal person even RENT this movie?
On a side note, I sure hope you didn't pass up renting "Game6" starring Michael Keaton for this shitpot.
I just rented it Saturday night and rather thoroughly enjoyed it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-29 19:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I was a rogue, lethal wave, nobody would give me any shit, I tell you that.
Submitted by zfx84 (user info) at 2006-08-29 14:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree...this movie sucked horribly. Thank God I waited for it on DVD instead of wasting money seeing it in theater.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-29 12:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First off, if you like this story, the BEST version is the BOOK, written by Paul Gallico. (yes, those things that are made out of paper, ask for your dad what one is.)
The re-make is truer to the book, but only because they had more money.
The original movie was pretty good, but was plagued by production problems and lack of money.
That shot at the end, where they are taking the few survivors off the hull? It was filmed at a boatyard, because they had literally run out of money, and couldn't even show a decent ending.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-08-29 12:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-08-29 11:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. Great review.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-29 11:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**Ladies & Gentlemen, we are not exactly sure what has happened. But we think that the ship has been struck by what is called a rogue wave. They are rare, they are unpredictable, and they are lethal.**
not much to choose from in the memorable quotes section of IMDB
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-29 10:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, wait, Bruce Willis blows up the ship and the tidal wave from the inside with large amounts of explosives?
Bitchin'.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-08-29 09:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-08-29 09:53:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
The original was a classic.
Therefore I shall never watch this blaspheme.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-08-29 09:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The original was a classic.
Therefore I shall never watch this blaspheme.
For Reference see "The Italian Job" (Dirk Diggler again),"Alfie" (Jude fucking Law?)and "Get Carter" (Of course the draw of Sly Stallone as opposed to Sir Caine was tempting, but I somehow managed to resist.).
-Dave
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-08-29 09:48:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2006-08-29 09:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
alot of movies suck...
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-08-29 09:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
99% of movies are unwatchable, so instead why don't you review that 1% of movies that aren't
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-08-29 09:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so uh...did you like the movie?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-29 09:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*scale.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-29 09:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rate it on the BTiLC scalr.