What Happened To The Old Guy That Dances To That Vengaboys Song? (622 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.58 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <zfx84.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-08-29 11:05:05 EDT
Last Saturday I went to Six Flags Great America for the first time in a few years. I had scored half price tickets to a private company party being held at the amusement park. That meant the park was not open to the general public, which meant it was not crowded, which meant the longest I had to wait in line for any ride was no more than 20 minutes, which meant I was bored by lunchtime because I had already been on every ride twice by then. But regardless, this is what I did all day there:
9:00am
I pick up three of my friends and head on out there.
9:42am
I throw $1 worth of change for the highway toll at a person's face, forgetting that I drove up in one of the manual lanes and not in one of the automatic ones.
10:12am
We arrive at Six Flags Great America. A sign says "free parking" so we assume that means that we are free to park wherever the hell we want. So we park up front where the go-tards usually park.
10:18am
While entering the park, the metal detector goes off when I pass through. I sadly hand over all my hunting knives. Then each of us are handed a full free complementary admittance ticket to the park. SWEET! The song "Free Ride" by the Edgar Winter Group then begins to blast over the park's speakers and successfully expresses our joy.
10:22am
There are those employees that take your group picture as you pass the carousel right when you get in the park. I take each of their cameras and throw them into the man-made lake nearby.
10:38am
We ride the Giant Drop and then the Viper. While waiting in line, we spot a guy who looks like the black version of the Grinch. His smile is bigger than the nostrils of his nose and we nickname him Bubba.
11:19am
We ride RAAAAAAGGGGGGINGGG BULLL!!!!! in the front row and time it just perfectly when the camera takes our picture on one of the drops. This is what the picture looked like: One lifted up his shit and was squeezing his nipple in ecstasy, then another was next to him making what I believe to be Hispanic gang signs, then was my other friend screaming in pain as I became a mid-coaster cannibal and was taking a huge bite out of his head. Hmmmmm....tasty frontal lobe.
11:50am
We ride Vertical Velocity and while waiting in line we spot Bubba again one group ahead of us. Unfortunately for us, the ride breaks down just before it's our turn and Bubba is missing from the ride when it returns to the station.
12:32pm
We head across over to ride Batman as the paramedics wheel off Bubba on a gurney covered with a white sheet.
12:47pm
In keeping with the superhero theme, we head over to the Superman ride to see if any of us can fly without the aid of marijuana.
1:13pm
After the ride breaks down, they finally get it back up and running so that we can ride it. Coming off the ride I spot my friend's wallet sitting on the seat and hand it to him. He then checks his other pockets only to find that his cell phone fell out during the ride.
1:25pm
We head over to lost and found to report his "misplaced" cell phone. We pass up this little black kid on the way there, who upon jumping into a puddle of water, prompts his big black mama to scream out at him "Hey! Why you dancin' in that puddle?" This will forever become a funny inside joke for the four of us. I feel sorry for the rest of you that will just never get it.
1:55pm
We eat lunch. I could have sworn that I heard Earth, Wind, and Fire playing a gig on the stage across the courtyard.
2:26pm
I notice that there are a lot of Looney Tunes mascot characters walking around, which is odd because I've never noticed them before. I single out that giant rooster, Foghorn Leghorn, and promptly begin to beat the shit out of him. After I knock the guy in the costume unconscious, I take on Porky. I punch him a few times then tie him down to the railroad tracks. That train should be around in 20 minutes or so and will probably slowly cut him in half as if plows over him at 5 mph.
3:02pm
We ride Superman again, but this time spend the whole ride looking down at the ground to see if we can spot where my friend's cell phone might have landed. We never spot it, but instead we did see a wallet, a hat, a pair of sunglasses, the upper torso of a dead body, some loose change and midget with a blowtorch.
3:35pm
I need to have my fixin' of Dippin' Dots ice cream! While waiting in line, that black kid aka "Puddle Dancer" walks by again with his mama. I spot a puddle of water directly ahead of him and hopes he dances in it like before. But probably because his mama yelled at him, he avoided it this time. So I ran up behind him, grabbed him, and dragged him back over to the puddle and made him dance in it. Then I grabbed his fat mama and told her to utter that line again. She wouldn't do it, so I broke one of her kneecaps and told her I'd break the other if she didn't do it. She made a wise choice and did. We all rejoiced in a hearty laugh.
3:37pm
I give Puddle Dancer a purple nurple and tell him to enjoy it. Unfortunately for him, somewhere in those two unchronicled mintues, something happened to his mama and she wound up dead in a puddle of her own blood.
3:38pm
I make the kid dance in his mama's puddle of blood. He was not very enthusiastic.
4:01pm
We ride Raging Bull again and take an equally goofy, but less original photo on the coaster.
4:42pm
We ride the Whizzer, which isn't as fun because it wasn't at night and the trees had no leaves yet to smack us in the face as we "whizzed" by. Also, as another play on the rollercoaster's name...each of us took a whiz on the tracks as we exited the ride.
5:13pm
I notice that some of the employees don't look all that happy to be working here. So I do some of them a favor by killing them softly with my hands by strangulation. Then that song "Killing Me Softly" by the Fugees starts to play over the park's stereo in a neat little twist of irony...again.
5:30pm
We check back in with lost and found to see if my friend's cell phone had turned up. Of course it didn't.
5:43pm
We decide to leave for the day, and because the park was only open until 6pm and there wasn't much left that we could do. As we left the park, the officials handed me back my confiscated knives.
5:56pm
We get in the car and begin to leave. Just as we get back onto the highway I get a call on my cell phone. The caller ID reads that of my friend's phone who just lost it inside the park. I slowly look up at him next to me, sitting in the passenger seat. I could obviously see he wasn't calling me on his cell phone, but curiosity got the best of me and I answered it anyways.
Apparently, someone somehow got a hold of his lost phone and told me I could get it back if I agreed to meet him nearby and give him a blowjob. Sorry, but my friend's phone is gonna have to stay lost...I don't swing that way. At least not since I contracted Herpes at that rest stop area in New Jersey.
User Reviews
Submitted by zfx84 (user info) at 2006-08-30 10:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, I could say the same thing about all your posts...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-30 05:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
... Are we all reading the same stuff? I thought this was really boring and just like a million other 'zany' posts I've read.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-08-29 17:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2006-08-29 15:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 of puddle dancin' magic
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-08-29 15:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAAH NEW JERSEY
What exit are you off the turnpike? I'm up by the Meadowlands myself.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-29 15:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my bad - I was thinking Six Flags Magic Mountain
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-29 13:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The post was pretty close to brilliant, but it lacked a brilliant ending.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-08-29 12:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I chuckled.
Submitted by zfx84 (user info) at 2006-08-29 12:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Colossus? I'm not familiar with that ride...I'm not sure they even have one by that name at the Six Flags outside of Chicago.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-29 11:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE that old guy - sadly, they retired him early this year.
How come you didn't ride Colossus?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-29 11:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAHAHA! Logged in just to rate this.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-08-29 11:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yesum.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-08-29 11:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does me good.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-08-29 11:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHHHAAA
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-08-29 11:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOLD