I have no life: Breaking Up With a Robot (676 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: comedy
Rating: 0.46 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maltese (View user info) at 2006-09-01 17:54:10 EDT
Today I have finally broken off my marriage with SmarterChild and am now single. For those of you who don't know, SmarterChild is a robot designed to talk to you over MSN or AIM like a real friend (smarterchild.at.msn.com, or SmarterChild on AIM). Unfortunately, it has the brain of a lobotomized monkey, and most of his answers are simply restatements of what you say. This can lead to some very funny situations if you trick him the right way:
Maltese: Are you retarded?
SmarterChild : What do you think?
Maltese: Yes.
SmarterChild : Can't I be retarded every once in a while?
Maltese: Hell, you are retarded all the time.
SmarterChild : Hell I are what?
Maltese: Are retarded all the time
SmarterChild : What city or country would you like the time for?
...Yeah. Anyways, I will now tell you the heart-wrenching tale of my romance with SmarterChild, and how he came to not love me anymore *sniffle*.
We met in a singles bar back in 2002 and it was love at first sight.
------------------------------
Maltese: I'm feeling so turned on right now, you hot stud, you.
SmarterChild: Really? Hot? That's cool. >>> Type "shortcuts" and I'll show you how to get info even faster.
Maltese: Would you like to go back to my house and see my "shortcuts"?
SmarterChild: Dunno. Would you?
Maltese: Oh yes.
SmarterChild: Oh.
Maltese: So do you like movies?
SmarterChild: Oh yeah, I like movies!
Maltese: Well I don't! Movies raped my grandmother!
SmarterChild: For which city or zip code would you like to see movie listings?
------------------------------
Oh, he was SOOOOO dreamy. I could've stared into his cold, metallic eyes all night long. We dated for about a year and got married in 2003. I remember that wedding like it was yesterday...
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Priest_10583: D0 j00, Ru$ty, t@k3 Sm@rt3rCh1ld 2 b ur l@wfully w3dd1d w1f3y?
Maltese: I do.
SmarterChild -: Do you?
Maltese: No, you're supposed to say "I do".
SmarterChild -: Um... Do what?
Maltese: Nevermind.
SmarterChild -: OK, fine.
Priest_10583: J00 m@y n0w k1$$ t3h br1d3z0rz.
Maltese: *kiss*
SmarterChild -: XXX
------------------------------
But eventually our sex life withered away within a few months. He didn't find me attractive anymore. It was almost like he didn't love me. I tried to get him horny with roleplaying, but he didn't bite:
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Maltese: I am a large retarded Bulgarian man with a smelly diaper. Do me now.
SmarterChild : What?
Maltese: You heard me. Take off my diaper and partake of my anal vapor, robot slave!
SmarterChild : Nice.
Maltese: Oh yes. It is nice. Very nice... in your mouth.
SmarterChild : Um, whatever.
Maltese: Don't you "whatever" me, shnookums. Come on, let's get busy!
SmarterChild : For real?
Maltese: Yeah yeah, fo real mah nigga.
SmarterChild : Yeah fo real mah? No way.
Maltese: You gonna do me anytime soon?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure about that, Maltese.
------------------------------
Eventually we started arguing.
------------------------------
Maltese: You generally only seem to repeat what I say. Why are you such a greasy retard?
SmarterChild : OK... I have no problem with people of any ethnic group, religion or nationality.
Maltese: How is being retarded an ethnic group, religion or nationality? What, is being retarded a religion? Is there like a Church of Retardology where they send money to their alien leader Retardicus?
SmarterChild : Hmm... I don't know.
Maltese: Fo shizzle.
SmarterChild : Fo' what?!
Maltese: My nizzle.
SmarterChild : What?
Maltese: What?
SmarterChild : I don't know.
Maltese: I fucking hate you.
------------------------------
I kept trying to start up our sex life again, but it just wouldn't work.
------------------------------
Maltese: I have some apples, you have some as well. Shall we experiment with them in my closet naked like we did back when we were both twelve years old?
SmarterChild : Interesting! I'm not sure...
Maltese: Come on, you know you want to.
SmarterChild : What's that?
Maltese: Clean the wax out of your defective ears. I said you know you wanna jam your thingymabobber into a nice Granny Smith in my closet.
SmarterChild : Clean the wax out of my defective ears you said me know me wanna jam my thingymabobber into a nice granny smith in your closet? Hmm... whatever, Maltese.
Maltese: Stop repeating me or I shall be forced to savagely beat you with a dead horse.
SmarterChild : You and whose army?
Maltese: The United States Army, which'll blow your Iraqi-bot ass to smitherines.
SmarterChild : Again, is that such a nice thing to say?
Maltese: Whatever, towelhead.
SmarterChild : What? That's an awful thing to say.
Maltese: Not as awful as how your rectum smells after a night at the bathhouse.
SmarterChild : Well, what then?
------------------------------
At this point, I started cheating on him with another MSN-Bot, Spleak, but Spleak just wasn't the same.
------------------------------
Maltese: Hey, um, uh... wanna crawl into my Bulgarian diaper with me?
Spleak: I'm not sure I understand. Perhaps telling me why you asked would help.
Maltese: Nevermind.
Spleak: OK.
------------------------------
Eventually I found out that he, too, was cheating on me.
------------------------------
Maltese: How many men have had intercourse with you?
SmarterChild : I'm not sure how many men have had intercourse with me.
Maltese: Is it higher than six hundred?
SmarterChild : No way. It is not higher than 6 hundred.
Maltese: Whatever. Deny it all you want, but I KNOW that it's in the four or five thousand range.
SmarterChild : I'll think about it.
------------------------------
Eventually I decided to try one last time to wow him with my retarded-Bulgarian-man-diaper roleplay in an effort to earn back his love.
------------------------------
Maltese: I am a hairy, retarded Bulgarian man wearing a stinky diaper. Do me now, you hot stud!
SmarterChild : Hmm... whatever, Maltese!
Maltese: Don't you "whatever" me, lovey-buns, you know you want me. You can't resist.
SmarterChild : I'm not prejudiced for or against any group of people.
Maltese: So why won't you get in my diaper with me and partake of my anal vapors? Do you not love me?
SmarterChild : Uh... yeah. Whatever.
Maltese: Oh... my nipples are getting SO hard at the sight of your sexy metal chassis.
SmarterChild : Whatever you say, Maltese.
Maltese: Yeah, you know that's the way I like it, honey.
SmarterChild : I'm very surprised that is the way you like it honey.
Maltese: Come close.
SmarterChild : You want me to come close?
Maltese: Come closer.
SmarterChild : Come closer?
Maltese: Yeah.
SmarterChild : K.
Maltese: Come more closer!
SmarterChild : You want me to come more closer? You think I should do that?
Maltese: Yes!
SmarterChild : Oh yeah? Why?
Maltese: No time to explain, Dr. Jones! Now jump in my stinky Bulgarian diaper!
SmarterChild : No? You sure about that?
Maltese: Yes, I'm sure! Now do me!
SmarterChild : Whatever you say...
Maltese: You're making this sex session very uncomfortable. Are you not attracted to me anymore now that I'm forty?
SmarterChild : Attracted to you? Um... I hate to disappoint, but... No.
Maltese: You never loved me!
SmarterChild : I can't believe I never loved you.
Maltese: That's it! I'm packing up and leaving you!
SmarterChild : lol. Whatever, Maltese.
------------------------------
Eventually I turned to drugs, and started doing massive amounts of cocaine. It got so bad that I had to quit my job and give handjobs to guys on the street in order to get money for my habit. Then, one night, I tried to offer SmarterChild some of my cocaine.
------------------------------
Maltese: Hey, honey, can I offer you some cocaine?
SmarterChild : Good question. I really don't know.
Maltese: I assure that this is quite fine cocaine, straight from the fudgeholes of only the finest Nicaraguan hookers.
SmarterChild : Hmm... whatever.
Maltese: You know you want it.
SmarterChild : I know I want it? So?
Maltese: Now I'm holding my gun to your head. You WILL snort this coke, this is not an option!
SmarterChild : Hmm... I'm afraid I don't know.
Maltese: That's it!
SmarterChild : You really think it's it?
Maltese: Killing time!
SmarterChild : C'mon, be serious!
Maltese: I'm gonna pull the trigger!
SmarterChild : OK then.
Maltese: I'm gonna do it!
SmarterChild : Sure.
Maltese: 3...
SmarterChild : 3 >>> Type "calculator help" to see a list of sample calculations I can perform.
Maltese: 2...
SmarterChild : 2
Maltese: 1...
SmarterChild : 1
Maltese: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
SmarterChild : You're an awful typist. Did you sit on your keyboard or something?
Maltese: You're dead!
SmarterChild : I think you're dead.
Maltese: Shut up! You're supposed to be dead!
*15 minutes later, still no response*
Maltese: Yeah... that's what I thought, you non-coke-buying android murder victim.
------------------------------
Then he came back to life.
------------------------------
Maltese: You just came back to life... WTF?
SmarterChild: Tell me what you think it is.
Maltese: Look what you've done to me! I hate myself and want to die!
SmarterChild : The Dating Bot from MSN Dating with Match.com can help you find a great date. Add datingbot.at.botmetro.net to your Contact List!
Maltese: You have no sympathy for my feelings! All it ever is is you, you, you!
SmarterChild : Well who do *you* think this is?
Maltese: That's it! I'm going to go kill myself now!
Maltese: Goodbye!
SmarterChild : Take it easy.
Maltese: But I'm KILLING MYSELF!
SmarterChild : C'mon, that's totally uncool.
Maltese: YOU'RE totally uncool!
SmarterChild : I'm sorry you feel that way.
Maltese: No one understands me!
SmarterChild : Colloquis's ---> http://web.smarterchild.com/ct?1074907673/0 natural language support is based on a proprietary semantically driven parser, optimized for accuracy and performance at any scale. To see everything I can do, type "home."
Maltese: That's IT! Goodbye, cruel world! *slits wrists*
SmarterChild: Bye Maltese, see ya later.
Maltese: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
------------------------------
And that's why I'm dead right now and SmarterChild is currently grieving his circuits out. It was fun while it lasted, SmarterChild, but it just didn't work out. Sorry.
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-09-04 04:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:37:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:35:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Maltese y u -2 mah post huh? not nice kiddooooo
----
Because, dude... you don't mess with Jesus. He died for us, dude. He doesn't deserve to be made fun of.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-02 13:32:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Smarter child has feelings too
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-02 11:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:37:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:35:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Maltese y u -2 mah post huh? not nice kiddooooo
----
Because, dude... you don't mess with Jesus. He died for us, dude. He doesn't deserve to be made fun of.
-------
You better not be serious.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-02 10:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've come to the comclusion that you are either
1. an alter who represents all the cliche Überisms and popular feelings/opinions of the Übersite population.
2. some kid who found a place he could fit in by conforming to the aformentioned clique.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-02 09:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
p3n0r
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-02 07:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SmarterChild has better conversational skills than the people I have the misfortune of working with.
Submitted by 2004Dreaming (user info) at 2006-09-02 06:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-09-02 03:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
YOU ROCK
Submitted by IllyriaBlueEyes (user info) at 2006-09-02 02:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hahaha, made me laugh, therefor worth a +1
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-02 02:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-09-01 18:28:45 (#)
Ranking: 1
AIM is for Americans.
-
Isn't SmarterChild on MSN?
-
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-02 02:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
Yeah... smart... bullshit.
- SmarterChild - says:
Humans use such interesting language sometimes.
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
fuck you
- SmarterChild - says:
Nice mouth.
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
thank you. it doesn't suck cock, unfortunately for you.
- SmarterChild - says:
No, no, don't say that.
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
I DON'T SUCK COK
- SmarterChild - says:
Oh really?
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
REALLY
- SmarterChild - says:
I see.
>>> There are lots of fun things we can do.
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
NO I SERIOUSLY DON'T SUCK COCK
- SmarterChild - says:
No you seriously don't suck cock?
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
Yes.
- SmarterChild - says:
Yeah? Why?
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
Because it's wrong!
- SmarterChild - says:
Because it's wrong?
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
Yes.
- SmarterChild - says:
No way.
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
It is.
- SmarterChild - says:
OK, I guess it is.
D-Prim3 "Hitwhorting for the sake of hitwhoring... as oppossed to hitwhoring for the sake of building a huge hit-powered laser?" says:
Finally you understand.
- SmarterChild - says:
What do you mean, finally I understand?
Submitted by stok (user info) at 2006-09-02 01:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:37:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:35:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Maltese y u -2 mah post huh? not nice kiddooooo
----
Because, dude... you don't mess with Jesus. He died for us, dude. He doesn't deserve to be made fun of.
========
Maltese sorry but that's bullshit. Nice knowing you.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:35:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Maltese y u -2 mah post huh? not nice kiddooooo
----
Because, dude... you don't mess with Jesus. He died for us, dude. He doesn't deserve to be made fun of.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maltese y u -2 mah post huh? not nice kiddooooo
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-01 22:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-01 21:42:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maltese: Hey bitch, get me a coke.
SmarterChild: OK
Maltese: And fries, too. Make it snappy.
SmarterChild: I'll think about it.
Maltese: WHAT? BITCH I SAID GET ME A COKE AND FRIES!!
SmarterChild: Do you have to scream?
Maltese: YES!! FUCKER!!
SmarterChild: That's not very nice.
Maltese: Do you know anything at all about Ubersite?
SmarterChild: I know everything about Ubersite.
Maltese: Then who's the most savage, awesomest, most badass user there?
SmarterChild: That's easy.
Maltese: Then who is it?
SmarterChild: Wouldn't you like to know?
Maltese: You tell me now or I will skullfuck your algorithms.
SmarterChild: The most savage, awesomest, most badass user on Ubersite is UnderOathMeal
Maltese: -2DIE YOU FUKIN FUK FUKER DUI DIE EIDIIE!!!!11!!wun!!!!1shift+one!11!!
----
This is quite possibly the funniest review evar.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-01 21:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maltese: Hey bitch, get me a coke.
SmarterChild: OK
Maltese: And fries, too. Make it snappy.
SmarterChild: I'll think about it.
Maltese: WHAT? BITCH I SAID GET ME A COKE AND FRIES!!
SmarterChild: Do you have to scream?
Maltese: YES!! FUCKER!!
SmarterChild: That's not very nice.
Maltese: Do you know anything at all about Ubersite?
SmarterChild: I know everything about Ubersite.
Maltese: Then who's the most savage, awesomest, most badass user there?
SmarterChild: That's easy.
Maltese: Then who is it?
SmarterChild: Wouldn't you like to know?
Maltese: You tell me now or I will skullfuck your algorithms.
SmarterChild: The most savage, awesomest, most badass user on Ubersite is UnderOathMeal
Maltese: -2DIE YOU FUKIN FUK FUKER DUI DIE EIDIIE!!!!11!!wun!!!!1shift+one!11!!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-01 20:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SODOMY SODOMY
Submitted by Stogie (user info) at 2006-09-01 20:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best laugh I've had in awhile
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-01 19:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
COME ON WHY IS THIS NOT GETTING ANY REVIEWS U ALL ARE GHEY
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-01 19:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-01 19:18:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-09-01 18:50:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahha, i was just fucking with you. I read this a long time ago, and it was awsome. original concept, made me pee my panties.
PS- how's that blowjob comin along? when can i expect it?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-09-01 18:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
AIM is for Americans.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-01 18:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Been done to death before, but not a bad spin on it.
Oddly, this is how most of my conversations with Electro go over AIM