I Hate Things (1920 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.72 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. Awesome (View user info) at 2006-09-01 22:49:26 EDT
I Hate Things
A Post About Nothing
By Steve's St. House of Whatever and Ever Shaboding-Pretoria
I hate babies.
Babies. Babies everywhere. On the bus. In the store. On the street. In the gym. Inside pregnant women. WHY? They cry for no reason. I don't want to hold your baby. I don't want to see your baby. Your baby is dirty and so are you. If I drop your baby you'll be mad at me. But it was your baby's fault. It was a squirmy little bastard. If humans were meant to have babies so small and stupid, we should have pouches to stick them in when we're sick of them. That's what smart animals do. Even smarter animals have enough sense to eat their young.
I hate buying pants.
I hate buying clothes in general but buying pants is confusing, boring and makes me all farty. I wander for hours, from store to store, begging to be put out of my misery. I should have never sold that little Japanese girl I found in the ditch into slavery. She could make a mean pair of pants. Oh lord, make me a pair of pants that won't drag on the ground when I walk. Better yet, make me three inches taller. I hate going to a tailor. I hate buying pants. Pants are expensive and useless. I don't own a plantation. Why should I have to wear pants?
I hate Interview With The Vampire.
I've seen that movie 27 times. It gets gayer every time. On the movie scale of gayness, the only thing gayer than Interview With The Vampire is Brokeback Mountain. And that didn't even have vampires (unless they were really vampires and that's the secret meaning of the movie). Interview With The Vampire makes me enraged to the soul. I don't know why I can't stop watching it. I don't even know if it's Interview With A Vampire or Interview With The Vampire. What's the difference? I can't take it anymore. I hate vampires. I hate interviews. I hate everything about that movie except for maybe that scene where they fight the elephant vampires in the volcano in Antarctica on Thanksgiving for the rights to the Miami Dolphins. If I weren't so lazy, I'd take it out of my DVD player. If I could find my DVD player. If you've seen my DVD player, please take out Interview With A Vampire and put in a Clint Eastwood movie. And if you put in Bridges of Madison County, I will eat your soul.
I hate other drivers.
I will kill you all one day. Just keep fucking with me and I'll bring the pain. Once my harpoon gun is mounted on the roof of my car, I'm going to hunt down every one of you fuckers and send the pain right through your head. Fuck you. Fuck pedestrians too. In fact, fuck everyone. Especially horses with fancy ribbons in their tails. Fancy bastards.
I hate baseball box scores.
The majority of my day at work is spent looking at, formatting and reorganizing baseball box scores. I make them look nice. I put them in alphabetical order. And for what? For old men to circle the mistakes in the paper at the McDonalds? I'm sick of caring about baseball box scores. I wish I was blind so I wouldn't have to look at that shit anymore. I'm going to start a shooting spree at McDonalds just to kill all the old fuckers who make my life miserable. Especially YOU grandpa. You've been warned. Don't come crying to me when you're laying at my feet, pleading for your life. It's like you've always told me 'Real men don't give a fuck about what's dying at their feet.' Unless it's a hooker. Then you'd better run.
I hate forgetting things.
I forgot what a preposition was the other day. I've forgotten my phone number, my address, my wallet (on the ground, in a puddle) and other various things that are necessary to identifying my body when it washes up on the shores of the river. I forget what I was talking about. I'm pretty sure it was stupid anyway.
I still hate Matt.
I wore his sweater the other day. It was gross. I hate him.
I hate Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods is a huge asshole who needs to be shot into the ground and create a giant crater. I'd deal with the ash in the atmosphere and the death of everything living if I knew that Tiger Woods was dead in a giant hole and could never strut around like the giant cunt he is. I hate him and I wish he'd just fuck off already. Durrr I'm Tiger Woods. Durrrr...my dad's dead. Durrr...I'm pretty. You won't be pretty when you've been rocketed into the Earth's core by my mega-powered rocket sled. The dogs are MADE of rockets. Eat that.
I hate Scott.
Fuck Scott. He's a dick. Nice car, fuck face. I didn't know they still made cars with golf cart motors. I'm better than you in every way. I'm going to burn down your house and sell your family into slavery. When you die, you'll see my face because I'm going to tattoo it in glowing ink on the inside of your eyelids when I trap you in my lair. That's right. I have a lair. It's in a cornfield. Come find me you fucking hurtbag.
In conclusion, ducks.
User Reviews
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-09-17 17:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I still hate Matt. "
why what the fuck did I do to you?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-09-17 17:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I'm having an "I Hate Everything" week. This couldn't have come at a better time.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-09-17 17:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have rants like this all the time but then my boyfriend laughs at me and I never write them down.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-05-29 15:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ducks indeed.
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-05-29 14:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would LOVE to say I hated this, but I just cant. It is freaking great!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-29 04:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-10-08 20:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still hate to love you, Stevie.
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-08 20:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea if thats anything worth but thanks for the only post with text.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-10-08 19:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-10-08 19:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, a funny hate rant. I haven't laughed at one of these since Maddox used to write about things he hates.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-10-08 19:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny on several levels. You took a shitty concept and made it great.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-09-05 14:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to purchase one of your harpoon gun cars I live in the land of Qtip drivers. I think it would be quite fun to harpoon one of them yank them out of their men up front women in the back cars and watch as they try to figure out where the fuck Myriam went. Old people can't hear or see worth a shit and they probably would believe she was abducted by aliens, good times will be had by all. sweet.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2006-09-05 10:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STREAM OF AWESOME CONSCIOUSNESS
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-05 10:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CRUISING FOR BURGERS IN DADDY'S NEW CAR!!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-03 16:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate Tiger Woods, too.
I think we should mate.
Date. I said date.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2006-09-03 07:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sings*
I hate you
You hate me
Let's get together
And kill Barney
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-09-02 22:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shopping for pants makes me farty too.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-02 22:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All hail Steve of the MVA!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-02 14:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-09-02 05:49:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow there dude as good as this post is I think that you went a little to harsh on Interview with a Vampire. Brad Pitt did a good job, though I and anyone else on this site could have out acted Tom Cruise or Kirsten Dunst.
---
I've read the book and the book is even gayer!
Luckily, I only bought the book for 50 cents from this creepy looking lady that told me it was cursed, but I don't believe in curses. Sucks to curses.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-02 13:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're so consistent. I like that about you
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-02 10:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
firetruck?
Submitted by Laser (user info) at 2006-09-02 09:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 dot to dot
didnt read the post
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-02 09:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are on the MVA, where you've deserved to be ever since you signed up.
I LOVEZ j00 STEEV HAV MAH BABIES!!!!!!!!!!1!
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2006-09-02 07:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ducks.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-09-02 05:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow there dude as good as this post is I think that you went a little to harsh on Interview with a Vampire. Brad Pitt did a good job, though I and anyone else on this site could have out acted Tom Cruise or Kirsten Dunst.
Oha nd one more thing...I'm gonna do you in the pooper one day and bitch you're gonna like it and ask for more. Thats a mutha fuckin fact.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-09-02 05:48:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow there dude as good as this post is I think that you went a little to harsh on Interview with a Vampire. Brad Pitt did a good job, though I and anyone else on this site could have out acted Tom Cruise or Kirsten Dunst.
Oha nd one more thing...I'm gonna do you in the pooper one day and bitch you're gonna like it and ask for more.
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-09-02 05:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Just random shit strewn together. The +2 is on your name alone, not your ability. You can do better.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-02 04:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 steeve
Submitted by IllyriaBlueEyes (user info) at 2006-09-02 02:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck people, or things, fuck everyone, or everything, yea, people suck!!!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-02 02:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll read this when sober
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-02 02:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
druuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunk
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-02 02:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate things too!
You are not one of those things.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-02 02:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
atuo+2 steve
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-02 00:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did the connect the dots.
It;s a car, right...?
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-09-02 00:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Steve St. Awsmome, you are so... Awsome
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-02 00:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahahahaha.
That WAS rape.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
The whole movie was based on rape! I've solved the mystery!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Attn: Ghey Menz.
My feelings on Brokeback Mountain are mixed. One one hand, it was the greatest load of shit I've ever seen, but on the other hand between the hours of boring mumbling it features Anne Hathaway's breasts, and Jake Gyllenhall having his head caved in with a crowbar. Far too much rape however.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bad news everyone:
I'm not invited to the lesbian wedding.
*weeps*
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Back again? Where did he go in the first place?
I understand your pain. Bruce is working tonight. I hate him an awful lot! He recently got his haircut too. Now it is spikey and sticks out all over the place.
He sounds like Kermit the Frog too.
I'm NOT lying about this.
Anyway, yeah, I hate him too.
I have needles.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate that your MVA has yet to say "Stevie kinda <3's Jay Peg."
Bastage.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That asshole from the other side of the room is back again and if he doesn't shut the fuck up I'm going to rip off his pants and spank him with a fax machine until he learns his lesson and gets a better hair cut.
I think I've just gone out of my head.
I'd better finish my work before it happens again.
Stuart Townesndess killed Aaliyah because he couldn't understand her fame. Nor her complex poems regarded Derek Jeter's internationally acclaimed polka music. It's all relative to math and astronomy.
No their talking about naked children.
Make it stop...
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And because Stuart Townsend is a poofter. Let's not forget that.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-01 23:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That sounds like fun.
I ate raw chicken liver for a dollar once.
And WHAT a dollar.
I wanted to see Queen of the Damned until I realized that vampires are shitty.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-01 22:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate that shitty connect the dots! It's already completed.
Do you not realize that I'm stuck here at the hospital, in the lab, on a Friday, until 11:00pm Central time?!?
I needed something to do!
I hate Interview with a Vampire too. But it isn't even half as gay as Queen of the Damned. Why? Because of Stuart Townsend.
I SWEAR that guy's a homo. He acts that same fruity way in every movie he's in.
I don't care if he IS boffing Charlize Theron, HE'S GAY!
Do you hear me?! GAY!
I hate this gallbladder I'm looking at right now. Its all enlarged and full of stones. And a sicky green color too.
It came out of a fat man. People need to quit eating organ meats. Because no good can ever come of it and you'll end up laying the the hospital while I sit here and stare at your gallbladder in a jar.
Do you want it, Stevie? I can mail it to you.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-01 22:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO!