D-Prime Madness: October 21st, 1989 (592 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: comedy
Rating: -0.4 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maltese (View user info) at 2006-09-03 13:49:40 EDT
------------------------------
http://ubersite.com/m/92569
------------------------------
It's March 18, 1993. Three friends sit around in their college dorms, talking. They talk amongst each other about the nights they each lost their virginity.
The first one, Chuck, tells his story.
"Yeah man, I was fifteen, and we did it in a bush over at her house. We were both drunk as shit."
The second one, Mark, tells about his first encounter.
"I was fourteen at the time, man, she was the hottest girl ever. Banged her in my basement for like an hour."
The third guy, Jeff, tells about his experience.
"I was sixteen... I had sex with this really, really ugly chick from school, she was desperate as all hell."
Chuck and Mark stare at him in disbelief.
"You did WHAT!?", they said, the look on their face similar to The Scream.
"Well, she was really, really desperate..."
"But it's your VIRGINITY, dude", Mark said. "Wasting it on a greasy, overweight, nerd pussy is, like, the worst decision evar."
"I have an idea. We can build a time machine and go back in time and stop him from losing his virginity!", said Chuck.
"No, it's alright, that's not really necessary...", said Jeff.
"Nonsense!", stated Chuck, "We can revirginize you. We HAVE the technology."
"Alright. You go get the flux compositor and I'll go get the ketchup. WE SHALL SAVE JEFF'S VIRGINITY ONCE AND FOR ALL!", replied Mark.
Chuck and Mark worked on the time machine for an hour or so until the time portal was all ready.
"Now what day was it, exactly?", asked Chuck.
"October 21, 1989", said Jeff, as Chuck set the destination and they all jumped through the portal.
They landed in Jeff's house on October 21, 1989, seeing the then 16-year-old Jeff talk to said overweight greasy monster - Jabba the Hutt.
"Fuck, dude! You popped Jabba the Hutt's cherry!?", asked Chuck.
"Well, like I said, she was really desperate."
"Since when is Jabba the Hutt a she?", added Mark.
"...DAMMIT! You mean to tell me that not only I fucked a greasy, overweight space-nerd that was also a GUY!?", said the flabbergasted Jeff.
"I'm afraid so. Alright, now come on, let's do it!", said Mark.
Present Jeff sprinted up to Jabba and grabbed the past version of himself.
"Dude, I'm you from six years in the future! DO NOT fuck this thing! It's a guy!"
"Don't you think I know that?", said Past Jeff.
"Damn, I was still going through my latency period at this time", thought Present Jeff to himself.
Present Jeff reached into Past Jeff's back pocket and swiped a box of condoms.
"Ha! You won't be popping any rancor cherry tonight without these, will ya!?", said Present Jeff.
"I don't care, really. I'm still going to fuck this thing, pen0r-shielded or not.", declared Past Jeff.
"Leetttt'ssssss geeettttttt busssssyyyyyyyyyyy", said Jabba, raising up Past Jeff with its tail and stripping off his clothes.
"This tight ass is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive", stated Past Jeff, as he plowed the alien rectum.
"You may have been a good rectal smuggler, but now you are cock fodder!", roared Jabba as he gave Past Jeff a reacharound.
"There will be no bargain, young Jedi, I shall enjoy watching you cum.", replied Past Jeff, moaning in rancor-sex ecstacy.
"Dude, fucking weak! Let's get out of here!", yelled Present Jeff as he, Chuck, and Mark jumped back through the portal.
They arrived back in their dorms as they had left them, on March 18, 1993.
"Man, that was fucking sick!", shouted Chuck.
"Seriously, dude... I've seen a LOT of gay sex, but that was just horrid!", commented Mark.
"Dude... what was I smoking back then!?", said Jeff in shame.
"I feel for ya, dude, I feel for ya", said Mark, patting him on the shoulder.
Both Chuck and Mark left, and Jeff was left in his room for ten minutes.
Suddenly, Jabba slithered into the room and licked hiss face, carrying two babies, both half-Jabba, half-human.
"What the... fuck!?", shouted Jeff. "Are you telling me that by going back in time and stealing the condoms, that I impregnated this thing and gave birth to half-aliens out of my ass, and am now MARRIED to this monstrosity!?"
"That is correct, my loveeeeeeee. Let'ssssss have sexxxxx", cooed Jabba.
Jeff stared at the wall. After a long pause, he sighed and said:
"Bring me Chuck and Mark. They will all suffer for this outrage."
User Reviews
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-10-11 19:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol nice goin, maltexa
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-10-02 18:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-04 01:03:59 (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto DPM-2
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-04 08:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-09-04 05:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-04 01:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto DPM-2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-03 23:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-09-03 22:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only because I feel bad for you.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-03 21:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment
BTW, I started this little "Comment" thing and now it's getting used by some other douches.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-03 19:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-03 17:35:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-03 17:17:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
...There are so many reasons to give you a -2 right now.
---------
Name any. This was better than your entire catalogue of shitty posts put together.
--------------
Don't -2 me just because you disagree with my religious views unless it's nonfiction/opinion. I apologize if I made the Virgin Mary cry by having Jesus drop the f-bomb, but I still wrote a better story than you and you damn well know it.
In the meantime, this is the very definition of adolescent: the humor, the writing, the dialogue, the occasional slang- the very definition.
I can't do anything other than -2 something this bad.
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2006-09-03 18:58:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Weak.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-03 18:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That's flux 'capacitor', and ketchup will never provide
1.21 Jigawatts.
Submitted by Slash (user info) at 2006-09-03 18:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Y HALO THAR?
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2006-09-03 18:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus 2 because March 18 is mah burfday!!
WOOOOOOOOO
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-03 16:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Peenersex bonanza.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-03 16:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-03 16:13:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
"This tight ass is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive", stated Past Jeff, as he plowed the alien rectum.
The impregnation thing was sweet.
This seemed kind of suck earlier on, but picked up afterwards. Your roughly 0 rating will probably get you into the first round, barely.
-
When I said 'must link,' I meant you must link to this one on the DPM post, not the other way around.
----
Dude, get on MSN... we must chatz0rz.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-03 16:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"This tight ass is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive", stated Past Jeff, as he plowed the alien rectum.
The impregnation thing was sweet.
This seemed kind of suck earlier on, but picked up afterwards. Your roughly 0 rating will probably get you into the first round, barely.
-
When I said 'must link,' I meant you must link to this one on the DPM post, not the other way around.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-09-03 15:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
alien buttsecks!!! But watch out for my post, man.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-03 15:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
blase
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-03 15:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-03 15:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Gay sex with aliens?
Not my cup of tea.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-09-03 15:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yeah, you suck
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-03 14:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-09-03 14:03:43 (#)
Ranking: 1
Bad ending, but the whole having sex with Jabba-the-hut concept was kinda cool
----
I'm not so good at creating a story shorter than 1000 words, as the rules require me to. Most of all my other posts are at least two thousand words or so, so I have enough time to write a decent plot, characters, and ending.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-03 14:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
nah
Submitted by delboy (user info) at 2006-09-03 14:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really?
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-09-03 14:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bad ending, but the whole having sex with Jabba-the-hut concept was kinda cool