When Practical Jokes Should Stop (1290 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.56 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG <joe_green_2006.at.yahoo.co.uk> (View user info) at 2006-09-04 06:25:17 EDT
Everyone loves a good practical joke right?
Who can resist pulling some harmless stunt for the benefit of a little humour once in a while?
As long as no-one gets (seriously) injured, and the whole thing causes no emotional trauma, then what's the harm?
As far as practical jokes go, the key is to be constant and consistent. You've no idea how much funnier it is when your flatmate pisses on the cling film stretched over the bog for the fifth time in one week. The more and more they get caught out by these little pranks, the angrier they get, and thus the joke fulfils it purpose - giving you pleasure at other people's misfortune.
Some of the timeless classics which never fail to cause amusement include super-gluing someone's car keys to the table; posting obituaries in the local paper about people they care about, but haven't seen for a while; sending malicious text messages from unguarded mobile phones.
All these are pretty tame, but they always provide a few moments of mirth. However, in the past, there have been some................ incidents. Things that didn't quite go to plan. Things that have slowly changed people's opinions of me and my peers from "Those funny fuckers that are up for a laugh" to "Them cunts that are gonna wind up killing someone soon".
And here's why.
Myself and one other individual were the last people awake after a house party. Unconscious bodies were strewn across the house in various rooms, and there were empty cans and bottles everywhere. We were led on the living room floor, and the pile of powder was now completely gone from the mirror that we had set out on the floor.
"Man", I said, surveying the aftermath, "that was a cool night".
"Hey, is that Dave, asleep on the floor by the radiator?" asked my co-conspirator. Sure enough, it was Dave, sleeping off a bottle of Jack.
"I know, let's tie his shoe laces to the radiator pipe", I suggested.
"Yeah! He'll wake up in the morning, and then let's see how far his fat ass gets!"
A few hours later, Dave began to stir, and we took position on the far side of the room. I was led on the sofa, feigning sleep with my eyes just open enough to watch the action. It was all I could do not to piss myself from suppressed laughter.
Dave struggled to his feet, obviously still feeling the affects of a whole bottle of whiskey. He stood up, stretched, and made as if to go to the bathroom.
He took a step forward, and then the stumble came quickly. Dave was a fairly large guy, so gravity had never his best friend. With his reactions subdued by a raging hangover, he only barely had enough time to get his hands in front of him to try and take the force out of the impact. Although his arms prevented the worst of the shock to his body, it didn't stop the momentum in his head from propelling his face straight into the glass mirror that was still on the floor, shattering it into pieces.
One broken nose, 12 stitches and 2 years later, he's finally started talking to us without using the words "kill", "maim" and "sue your fucking asses" in every other sentence.
Less than 6 months after the mirror disaster we started playing pranks on a guy called Nick, who had moved into the house a couple down from where one of my friends lived. He was a good bloke, and came out partying with us a few times, and we got to know him pretty well.
Nick worked in the metal mill on the outskirts of town and worked long hours. He was often gone from 6 in the morning until 8 at night. One thing we were all curious about though was Nick's garage. The door to the thing was covered in deadbolts and padlocks, and the windows had been covered in metal sheets. What the fuck did he do in there? Whenever we asked, he just tried to change the subject, and act like it's no big deal, he was just security conscious.
Bullshit.
One weekend we were having a few beers round Nick's place, talking shit like only men with beer can talk. After coming back from a piss in the bathroom, I noticed Nick's keys just lying on the phone table in the hallway. Unattended.
I swiped the keys, went back into the kitchen and made up some bullshit excuse to leave. The following morning, I went straight into town, and had copies of every key made. I bought a crate of Stella, and that evening went back to Nick's for a few more brews, and slipped the keys back on the table, praying he had never noticed them missing.
When he went to work on Monday morning, 3 of us were straight round his house. After undoing all the locks, we pushed the door open, and went inside.
There was all the usual shit that you'd find in anyone's garage, nothing special. Welding materials. Acetylene gas cylinder. Old engine parts. A rusting toolkit. Certainly nothing worth securing the place like Fort Knox for.
"Hey, you guys", asked my friend, "what the holy fuck is this shit?"
In the corner was a metal bucket that had been lined with lead and filled with some transparent oily substance. At the bottom of the bucket were several silver lumps.
"Fucked if I know. Who cares? What say we move some stuff around, you know, freak him out a bit. We can come in each day and piece by piece, we'll re-arrange the whole fucking place!"
The nods gave consent, and the plan was in action. After 2 weeks of this, Nick still hadn't shown any signs that something was amiss.
"Damn", I said. "This is a waste of time. The stupid fucker probably doesn't even realise things are being moved. We need to make it more obvious. How about today, we move absolutely everything out of the garage, leave it on the driveway and lock the place back up. It's all crap, no-one's gonna take it."
We moved absolutely everything outside, and the garage was bare. We looked up, and as we we're about to leave, my friend turns rounds and walks straight into the bucket. The oil went everywhere, and the shiny lumps spilled onto the floor.
"Shit!!"
"Don't worry about it, we gotta go. He'll be back soon, and besides...." I glanced at the darkening sky ".... It looks like its going to piss down".
We got back inside my friends house, just 2 doors up from Nick's place, just as the heavens opened. As we were watching out of the window, waiting for his car to come around the corner, there was the loudest BOOM I have ever heard in my life.
"What the fuck..........."
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If we had paid attention in Science class, then we might have recognized sodium when we saw it, and treated it with the care and respect it commands. Turns out that Nick had been stealing it from the metal mill to sell on for profit.
Anyone who had paid attention would know exactly what happens when a small quantity of this stuff is exposed to water. Well, imagine the effect when several ounces are left out in the rain. The stuff ignited, and started combusting at such a high temperature, it heated up the acetylene cylinder it was next to so much so that the pressure forced it to explode, taking half the garage wall with it.
The police arrived, and once they found the source of the problem, a chemical unit was called to make sure it was cleaned up properly. The resulting investigation led to Nick losing his job, and being fined £3,000 for improper storage of combustible materials.
We don't see Nick anymore.
If that hadn't been enough to curb any further pranks, then this most recent 'stunt gone bad' certainly has. It's time to stop fucking about.
I've always been a fan of hot, spicy food. The hotter the better, in fact. So I always make sure I'm stocked up with fresh chilli peppers, which I find a way of including in virtually every meal I cook.
When an impromptu party was called a few months back, my mind got thinking devious thoughts. I was chopping chillies in my kitchen, and reminded myself to make sure I washed my hands afterwards - I had in the past accidentally rubbed my eye, and it hurt like buggery for ages. Then, the idea slowly formed. I slit open and seeded a whole handful of Scotch Bonnet chillies. I took a roll of toilet paper, and crushed the juice from each chilli all over the next couple of sheets that were on the roll. Evil laughter echoed around my kitchen, as I chuckled away like a madman.
I arrived at the party, and headed straight for the toilets with the roll hidden under my coat. Once inside, I locked the door, removed the roll that was on display, and replaced it with the one I had prepared earlier. I was singing Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" under my breath. Someone's anus was about to go atomic.
I slipped out of the toilet, and found a point where I could stake out the bathroom door without looking too suspicious. It wasn't long before a victim entered. James, not one of my close friends, but I knew him pretty well.
Sure enough, it wasn't long before a piercing wail emitted from behind the closed bathroom door. The door crashed open, and James came flying out of the bathroom, grabbed his coat and said he was leaving.
I shared what I had done with some of my closer buddies, and we all agreed it was funny as hell.
A few days later, I got a call from one of the friends I had told.
"Hey Joey, you know that trick you pulled on James the other night?"
"Yeah, that was awesome! Bet he had a real ring stinger!"
"Um, maybe not so awesome. I've just been on the phone to him. I don't know what's wrong with him, but he sounded in a real bad way. Maybe we should go and check on him, see if he's alright"
We took the bus across town, and walked from the bus stop to James's ground floor apartment. We knocked on the door, and heard movement from inside. It took a while, but James eventually managed to open the door and let us in.
He was walking like John Wayne, and he was wearing the baggiest shorts I've ever seen.
"So, what's the problem James, you ok?"
"Well, it's a little complicated....and embarrassing. I've got this...this...ah fuck it guys, don't think I'm going faggy on you, but you have to see it to believe it."
He was gonna fucking show us?? Damn, I know whatever has happened is my fault, but I have no desire to stare down at this guys rusty sheriff's badge.
But he didn't need to turn and bend over. He dropped the shorts.
"HOLY FUCK, DUDE! DAMN!!"
The poor bastard's bell end had swollen up like a cricket ball.
"I went to the toilet at that party the other night. Well I took a piss, and you know, no matter how much you tap and shake, there's always one last drop that goes down you're leg once you put the little guy away. So I always give it a little wipe with some tissue, and......... fuck me, it stung like a bitch. The next morning, I need a pee, but my piss is more like pus. So I went to the clinic, and they said that whatever was on the tissue probably had bacteria breeding on it, and they got up in through my urethra. She gave me some antibiotics, but it's gonna take a good week to go back to normal"
We made our excuses and left. I reflected on the consequences of my actions. Lacerations. Explosions. And now I've given some poor fucker a throbbing elephant's cock.
So I'm going to be good from now on. No, seriously, I am. Honest injun.
Aww, who the fuck am I trying to kid? Now, where did I put that lighter fluid.......?
User Reviews
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:48:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-09-05 17:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If any of this is for real, then you're the sort of "friend" I would have fucking curb-stomped by now. Please remove yourself from the gene pool, retard.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...that last one...just plain EVIL.
You might like this practical joke: http://www.ubersite.com/m/57879
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-04 18:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-09-04 17:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"bell"
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-04 16:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny.
Don't know if I'd ever want to meet you in real life though.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2006-09-04 15:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sir are uninvited from all future gatherings...
+2 however!
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-09-04 14:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How have you not been beaten to death yet?
Submitted by Molari (user info) at 2006-09-04 12:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This shit is not cool. It is assault. U gotta stop b4 you mutiliate some1.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-04 12:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe you'll stop when someone dies.
Want +2 material? ---> http://www.ubersite.com/m/92617
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-04 11:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
genius
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-09-04 11:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me running.
B@W
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-04 11:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've done well.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-04 11:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gross.
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2006-09-04 09:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Git 'er done
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-04 09:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking right
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-04 09:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome, like always.
Can I have your man-babies?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-09-04 08:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-09-04 08:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-04 08:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-04 08:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I was led on the sofa, feigning sleep with my eyes just open enough to watch the action."
-------------
Where do you live that has such a saft dialect?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-04 07:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My fave is Vasaline on a toilet seat. It's not too shiny, so it doesn't stand out, but they'll be wiping for a half hour, and when they come out, the smell makes people think they jerked off or something.
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-09-04 07:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do enjoy a good practical joke. Lighters, fly spray, fire extinguishers, grease and KY, all that sorta cool stuff.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-09-04 07:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking awesome.
Speaking of practical jokes on a bloke call Nick, my friend's mates once all drove up to him as he was walking home, grabbed him and stuffed him in the back seat of their Corsa (he's a big bloke and got stuck in the footwell)and then drove off.
They then proceeded to poke him for about an hour until he was actually crying. (Poke with their fingers, not their peeners)
I still laugh when I think of that story.
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2006-09-04 07:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomecore
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-09-04 07:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-04 06:36:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, I liked this.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-04 06:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality. I thought that my penny in the pint glass, mate choking, turning blue, heimlich maneouvre by the bouncer, was bad. But you fucking rule when it comes to sodding up practical jokes.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-04 06:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, I liked this.