Have I been absent? I hadn't noticed. (999 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.66 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2006-09-04 11:44:20 EDT
"HighVoltage come in here." I heard from the open office door I just walked by. My bosses office door.
Looking down at my hands I realized I wasn't exactly in a position to have a heart to mechanical beating unit which had had to be replaced after a firey industrial accident. My blue Nerf gun just wasn't exactly standard office material. I slid the dart gun into the back of my belt under my sports jacket that I wear when I want to look extra cute.
"COMING!" I yelled in a high pitched tone for no apparent reason other than the fact that I sometimes wish I was a woman.
...Erm. I mean not all the time. Just you know.... During sex.
.....I'm curious.
SHUT UP!
"HighVoltage, we need to talk about something." My boss said as I entered her office and sat down in front of her.
"Are you finally opening up to my idea of skinning your back to use in a female 'skin suit' that I could wear at parties and social functions?"
"No." She replied. See that! What are women good for?!?! They don't let men have ANY fun!
"Rather, I wanted to know where you've been recently. Our records show you haven't been showing up to work very frequently." She said turning her computer screen around to show my time tables that showed big chunks of time where I was gone. Big chocolatey chunks. Chunks so warm they are still soft and melt in your mouth.
Hold on I have to go get a cookie.
.......
Okay I'm back.
"Why did you just get that cookie?" My boss asked when I came back from the break room where someone had foolishly tried to hide cookies in a brown lunch bag. Their tuna sandwich had been eaten to show them a lesson. The only time food is safe in the office is if you hide it at least 10 feet up a metal pole.
"What? You weren't supposed to know I got a cookie! I mentally blocked your brain waves!" I cried upset. She must be strong in the force to have noticed me go get my cookie.
"Anyway, we are just wondering why you don't come in as often."
"Well you know, you fired me like... last December from my job. I just showed up because I don't know how to make coffee at home." I explained waving the cookie around with my hand gestures. I was painting an elephant into the air if anyone cared to notice.
"Well we still expect you to come in on time and help out around here. Despite my best efforts to remove you you are a ...erm... VITAL part of this team." She said. Vital huh?
"Then why do you keep trying to send your IT assassins to kill me you sadistic bitch?" I asked accusingly. The hair on the back of my neck stood up in memory of all the Computer Skill majors I had to kill in the name of defending my laptop.
"They are just coming to install a new ethernet card." She explained. That would explain why they all screamed and ran away when I engaged them in battle.
"Oh." I said dumbfounded, was I really wanted? "You mean. All this time when I've been killing coworkers, you guys really appreciated me being here? Really?" I asked getting teary eyed. My boss handed me a tissue.
"Yes HighVoltage, we are a family here and we accept the good with the homocidally bad." She told me. I was so choked up I began to cry, and started dabbing my eyes with the tissue she had just handed me. It felt good to be loved. Well not exactly good, maybe it stings a little....A lot. Why do my eyes burn?
That's when I realized, this whole conversation was an elaborate set up.
I threw away the tissue which I now realize had pepper spray soaked into it and grabbed my nerf gun drawing it at her. She already had a katana out and in her hand.
"I always knew you would try and remove me one day." I said. She used her magic management powers to shut her office door behind me so I couldn't escape. The stinging in my eyes was subsiding as my natural resistance to pepper spray kicked in.
"The paperwork I have to fill out to remove you from the building doesn't even include a section for how homocidally insane you are. It's much easier to kill you and blame it on a temp." She said waving the katana around in front of me. "And what are you going to do with that nerf gun? Shoot me? HA!"
"You know... I've been waiting a long time for this." I said and fired to shots which hit both of her eyes. She screamed and staggered back towards her office window over looking the highway below. I raced forward and tackled her about the mid section and we plunged through the window. We fell a good 5 stories on to the back of a passing semi-truck. I rolled to my feet and began punching at her. She kicked out and knocked me back, then jumped Matrix style into the air kicked off her high heels at me which I was forced to dodge. Then I leaped at her and began kung fu fighting as fast as lightning.
The semi-truck driver realized that two people were trying to kill each other on his rig again and slammed on his breaks, flinging both of us off and into a near by circus. We crashed through the main tent and onto the circus floor where we began fighting again. People in the stands started cheering as our epic battle took center stage. I was landing a few jabs to her face, but her knee kept finding it's way to my crotch somehow. I had to change the fighting atmosphere.
I turned around and ran back to one of the giant cannons used to launch human cannonballs and dived in, the human cannonball was already inside.
"Hey dude, what's your name?" I asked.
"HighVoltage." He replied.
"No shit! My name is HighVoltage! Small world huh?"
"Yeah sure is!"
At just that moment my boss jumped onto the front of the cannon as it went off, rocketing us into the air. We flew way WAY WAY up into the stratosphere and landed onto the cockpit of a passing jet liner.
"We got two people fighting on our plane again." The pilot said.
"I hate how often that happens, they don't train you for that. We need a better union." The co-pilot said as my boss and I battled. The wind became too much and we fell off falling a huge distance that can only be described by a word I just made up. Flampoy. As we got closer to the ground I noticed our office building below and we both aimed for it. I gave her a thumbs up as we crashed threw the ceiling and landed back into the chairs we were originally in.
"That was so flampoy." I said. I picked up the katana my boss had dropped and held it above her head ready to cut her down but stopped. She flinched as she waited for death to drop down on her but it didn't. Despite our differences, I couldn't kill someone who had just nearly renacted the entire Chicken fight scene from Family Guy, I just couldn't.
"I like Family Guy." I said to her dropping the katana. She stopped flinching and looked up at me with a slight smile on her face, then stood up to look me in the eyes.
Well eye, one of them is a glass eye.
"I like Family Guy too." She said, we both shook hands and went on our merry way.
Can't kill the chicken.
User Reviews
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-05 13:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-11 23:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-09-07 11:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-09-07 11:00:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I wish I had IT assassins (there are either too few or too many s's in that I know, but am too bored to look it up in word). I mean I HAD Chen, my computer monkey-boy, and he was Chinese or Japanese or something, but the time I took him out to a biker bar and told everyone he was a ninja warrior who called Toby Keith a faggot, they just beat him until his spleen fell out his rectum. :-(
After a few weeks later, after he got out of traction, he explained that the fact that his leather belt was also black was purely coincidental.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-09-07 11:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I wish I had IT assassins (there are either too few or too many s's in that I know, but am too bored to look it up in word). I mean I HAD Chen, my computer monkey-boy, and he was Chinese or Japanese or something, but the time I took him out to a biker bar and told everyone he was a ninja warrior who called Toby Keith a faggot, they just beat him until his spleen fell out his rectum. :-(
After a few weeks later, after he got out of traction, he explained that the fact that his leather belt was also black was purely coincidental.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-09-07 10:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-07 02:27:01 (#)
Ranking: -2
I could barely get through this shit.
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That's okay little alter boy, you can't even get through writing a post, I don't expect you to get through reading one.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-07 02:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I could barely get through this shit.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-05 18:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:53:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad you're still alive. +2 Family Guy chicken fight
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-09-05 18:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
A little too much like Nates office antics... except nowhere near as good.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad you're still alive. +2 Family Guy chicken fight
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always kicker of all ass.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you believe we were off doing the same damn thing!
Whoda thunkit
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-09-05 00:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus fucking two.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-09-04 23:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2006-09-04 20:59:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad there werent BEARS in the office....you could have fought it with tea bags tied together to make nunchucks. But nooooooo.....just forget the bears you jerk.
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No for an animal that deadly I would need at least a hatchet and a large stick.
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2006-09-04 20:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad there werent BEARS in the office....you could have fought it with tea bags tied together to make nunchucks. But nooooooo.....just forget the bears you jerk.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-04 17:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too perfect.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-04 14:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this aloud to a friend, but everytime it said "she" i instead read "the angry badger."
It works well either way. Just thought you should know.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-09-04 14:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-04 11:49:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 "Magic management powers"
Fucking GOLD.
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and yet youll -2 solid writing...
Are you retarded? Or just plain slow?
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-04 13:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 highvoltage
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-09-04 13:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-09-04 12:44:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll +2 this because it was pretty damn good, but I just want you to know something. It was very hard to give that rating after reading the latest Isaac Bickerstaff post. You scraped by because this was legitimately good. To be honest, I won't even post the same day as that guy for that exact reason. It's just too tough to swing a deuce with that kind of quality coming in before you. It's like taking your high school band on stage after the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra. You might be good, but you still sound like a monkey fucking an air horn under a bag of fighting alley cats.
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Seriously I know. But remember they are two different genres. He hadn't even posted when I started typing in the submit screen, so I didn't know I'd be right after him. I would have waited an hour or so if I had.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-09-04 12:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll +2 this because it was pretty damn good, but I just want you to know something. It was very hard to give that rating after reading the latest Isaac Bickerstaff post. You scraped by because this was legitimately good. To be honest, I won't even post the same day as that guy for that exact reason. It's just too tough to swing a deuce with that kind of quality coming in before you. It's like taking your high school band on stage after the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra. You might be good, but you still sound like a monkey fucking an air horn under a bag of fighting alley cats.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-04 12:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-04 12:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gofer stole my fucking comment. So what if you already know.
I love you.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-09-04 12:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We noticed.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-09-04 11:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-09-04 11:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flampoy
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-04 11:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 "Magic management powers"
Fucking GOLD.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-04 11:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.