Loss (27 - 29, new) (419 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jeveux... (View user info) at 2006-09-04 20:44:12 EDT
This is for extacy_red, MandaPanda, ripple and the many others who always gave me feedback. I'm going to finish this story off in a few more posts (assuming you guys are still like it) then I'll start another (bigger and better) series.
27
I call the sexual health clinic again and ask to speak to a counsellor. Do I want a male or a female? I don't care. I am put on hold and I listen anxiously to the dull music. A female voice answers:
"Hi there," she says, "its Jake isn't it?"
"Yes"
"Well Jake, I've just glanced over your file and I can understand why you might need to talk to someone. It's speaks volumes for your person that you are ready to reach out."
"I'm not reaching out," I say, "and I don't want to talk about it. I just want to know if I should be doing anything - taking something maybe - to maximise my chances of being ok... Is there anything?" There is a stunned pause. It feels like embarrassment to me.
"No," she says, "There's nothing, I'm sorry. You should go to your GP to arrange a blood test."
"Thanks."
It's Monday, just after midday, and I'm hungry again. I take a shower and when I get out I have a message from my ex-girlfriend. She wants to meet for coffee just down the road, which is strange because we don't stay in touch. I call her and we arrange to meet soon.
Alyssa is already at the café when I arrive. I sit down next to her and smile. She doesn't smile back. We order coffee and talk about how good it is to be finished school, and what we'll do next year. I tell her I want to travel and she doesn't ask what I'm doing now. Because she already knows:
"I'm worried about you Jake," she says, patronizing me, "I heard you sell pills now." I stare at her for a moment, wondering how to deal with her.
"It's just until uni starts."
"Bullshit. You should stop."
"Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?" I ask it loudly but the anger isn't really there. Or if it is, my fuse isn't as short as I make it seem. The events of the last few days have been a drain on me and I'm actually beginning to feel like I should stop. But fuck her, he thinks. I stand up and walk off, leaving her to pay the bill.
28
Amy wonders if Jake will call her today. She knows who he is now. She asked around last night. Ray knew a bit about him and so did a few others. She even met his ex-girlfriend, but she stopped asking when her own pill kicked in. She knows that the fact that he sells E should turn her off him, but it doesn't. People who knew him at school said he used to be a nice bloke, not one to sell drugs. So now Amy wants to know why. Anyway, she figures, everyone was tripping last night. She can't even remember what band was playing, all she remembers after about 2am is blurry lights. She figured there was some special K in those pills. That would explain how she ended up at Ray's house. At least he's fucked her before, she thinks, and even if she can't remember much its better that he took her home than someone older, or someone meaner.
When Amy looks at the body lying next to her though, she feels a pang of anger. She pulls the sheet over her glowing white skin to cover her breasts. It was so easy for her to be with him again last nigh but now she feels sick at herself. She eases herself out of her ex-boyfriend's queen-size double and searches around the room for her underwear. She finds her panties but no bra, but dresses anyway, and sneaks out the door. Once outside she walks down the leafy avenue to the bus stop. It feels like last year to Amy, to leave Ray's house improperly dressed early in the morning, but subtly different; today there are no goodbyes.
29
Alyssa knows why she called Jake today. It wasn't because she wanted to apologise again, although that's she knows he would've liked. She doesn't want to make friends with her ex either. She knows that won't happen. She called because she was worried about him. Ever since they ended it, Jake had become a bit of a renegade. But since school finished, rumour had it that he was losing it.
She sits at the café after Jake leaves, and sips her soy latte. She calls him and he answers on the first ring.
"What?" He sounds unfriendly.
"Where are you going?"
"Away from you."
"You're an ungrateful shit, Jake, you know that?" It feels good to say "All I hear is that you've become a dropkick dealer. I'm sick of telling people that you wouldn't do that. I'm sick of telling everyone you just help a few friends out. I'm sick of standing up for you when you hate me. You're a shit."
"And you're a bitch and we both know why."
The phone clicks dead, and Alyssa groans in frustration. Can't he see she's trying to help him?
The first post is here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80825
The others are really easy to find right here: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?user_id=21700
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-06 00:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heyy you're back
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-09-04 23:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jev... i did enjoy this, despite the typos.
bubba: i thought that this particular installation was too much flat action/flat dialogue. sometimes parroting an old adage is the best way to quantify a common problem. thats why i did it. i dont necessarily think its a recurring problem, just in this bit.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-04 22:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many people have read crap by the critics that say, "Show, don't tell,"
and they parrot it to death. You showed throughout the entire post.
People, don't repeat worn-out cliches. It sounds stupid. :)
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-04 21:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ripple told you to show, not tell, but I like how you wrote this series. I think it's the style of writing that keeps me reading, plus you always end it on a cliffhanger (which is frustrating when you disappear for weeks at a time!!).
Hurry up and finish, I wanna know what happens.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-04 21:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If I didn't know the background here I'd've -2ed this outright.
It looks like you're trying to refine your abilities though, which I can *certainly* appreciate.
Onward!
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-09-04 21:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck fuck fuck i just read the whole thing and its littered with errors, i fucking confuse the shit out of myself. Thanks ripple, i've seen the typos now. I hope you enjoy the story anyway.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-09-04 21:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In mespeak "although that's she knows he would've liked" means "although she knows thats what he would've liked."
Why don't i proof before i post?
Fucked if i know.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-09-04 21:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha you know i read your stuff.
some criticism on this one, though:
edit. you switched tenses occassionally, and once even perspectives.
show, don't tell. really. i think you did this more in the early episodes; maybe you just got out of the swing of writing this series.
keep writing, i love this series.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-04 20:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was just about to take a shower because I'm ripe with fish guts and sea spray, but I'll read this when I come back.
I'm so excited!
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-04 20:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'll go and see what the rest of this is.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-09-04 20:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry about the oversize picture, but its not important.