GoFuckYoMomma Madness: The Rabbits From Hell (829 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.83 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic the Tullian Zombie (View user info) at 2006-09-05 03:20:27 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92570 Whatever dudes, I'm having fun.
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Father Sinclair hasn't been doing too well since Papi Scratch, owner of the Heathen's Highway Fairground came to town. And I mean not doing too well upstairs. You know, mental like. To give you an example, he wanders around screaming about "Sodomite Rabbits." That should give you an idea of how nuts he's gotten.
Heh. Sodomite Rabbits. Heh.
Papi Scratch is a tall Hispanic looking fellow with a handlebar moustache who wears a big black cowboy hat and boots with spurs. He usually dresses all in black too except when he wears a red t-shirt. He's a nice guy too, always quick with a laugh or a tip of his hat to us ladies.
But all this is incidental. Papi Scratch has the best deal in town if you're looking for a fun time. Yessir! The Heathen's Highway fairground is a veritable smorgasbord of fun. Except, of course, for Father Sinclair.
It all started last Easter when Father Sinclair hosted his annual Crucifixion cake walk and egg hunt. To tell you the truth, I never could stand going to it. It was really dull and kind of blasphemous in my opinion. I would have expected more out of a Catholic priest but I guess when the Sunday mass attendance is down for your congregation, you'll resort to almost anything to get the numbers back up.
One of the reasons I disliked Father Sinclair's bash was because he fancied himself a Country music star. I really hate Country music. I mean, really, really, REALLY hate it! The last time I went, he and his band started their concert with a Buck Owens tune. As you can probably guess, since I hate Country music, Buck Owens makes me want to retch.
"Well, now since I turned old Satan down
I know for sure I'm heaven bound
There ain't nothing he can do to stop me
Since he showed me heaven's light
I know for sure I'm headed right
Satan's gotta get along without me."
I had to get out of there. It was easy to sneak out since the congregation was foot stomping and clapping and shouting "YeeHaw" and "Yes Lawrd!" They didn't pay much attention to me and I edged towards the side of church's lawn. Just as I was opening my car door, a tall Hispanic man with a handlebar moustache appeared.
"Ola Senorita! May I invite you to my party?" He handed me a red flyer announcing he had just set up the Heathen's Highway and it had a map. I was so intently looking at it that I didn't notice the music had stopped. Nor did I notice the crowd that was gathering around my car with Father Sinclair in the front. When I glanced up to tell the mustachioed man that I would check it out, he was nowhere to be seen. The only thing that marked his departure was a rather odd odor of sulpher. As I looked around startled, Father Sinclair pointed and started yelling;
"Frolic not with the creatures of Hell, Sister! That man is the devil! Ah yes, he brings the Devil's playground to our God fearing town! Come back to the light, Sister!"
He was getting carried away. It was just a fairground after all! The more he ranted and raved, the more annoyed I became until I hopped in my car and took off.
To the Heathen's Highway fairground.
Wow! That place was amazing. Every kind of ride you could image, Papi Scratch had. There were metal bands playing, and the games were awesome too. My favorite was Spin The Head beanbag toss. The more you could make the puppet's head spin 360 degrees, the bigger your prize was. The first time I didn't do so well and only got a rubber Devil Duckie. Oh well, its fun to take a bath with. Don't get me started on the food! Everything is delicious! The beer comes in 48 ounce cups! I had just finished a candied apple and was sipping on my huge cup of beer when I saw what would become my favorite thing at Papi Scratch's, the Rabbits from Hell.
Papi Scratch had a troop of trained rabbits. They did back flips, rode tiny little Unicycles, played basketball, jumped rope, and even played the drums. The drumming was the best part of the show. All the rabbit handlers brought out drums and put the rabbits on the drum skins. On cue, the rabbits would start thumping their hind legs and start a beat up. Those rabbits are kick ass percussionists!
Ever since my first visit to the Heathen's Highway, I try to go back at least twice a month. Yes, it is just THAT fun!
Anyway, the longer Papi Scratch and his carnival were there, the weirder Father Sinclair became. He took to yelling at everyone about "The Devil and his Sodomite Rabbits."
"Sodom! Brothers and Sisters, Sodom and Gomorrah have come to our town! Do not be misled! The Devil even brings Sodomite rabbits!" SODOMITE RABBITS! SODOMITE RABBITS!! SOOOODOOOMITE RABBITS!!!!"
He'd get so upset that his jowls would be furiously flapping and he'd even froth a little at the mouth. Silly priest, they were the Rabbits from Hell. Geeze man, bone up on your Geography a little.
He quit sleeping and his sermons really turned to shit. He'd start off fine (boring but fine) but then he'd catch sight of one of us who he knew to visit the fairground and would point his finger at us and start wailing about our patronage of Papi Scratch.
"DEVIL WOMEN! LOOK AT THESE DEVIL WOMEN WHO ARE FORNICATING WITH LUCIFER!"
How rude! I have never slept with Papi Scratch and I don't intend to either.
Father Sinclair's eyes started sinking into the back of his head. Between that, his mussed up hair, and his ranting and raving about Sodomite Rabbits and sleeping with the devil, he frightened the children and old women. One time, Papi Scratch attended a Sunday Sermon to annoy him. They ended up having to cart Father Sinclair off to the hospital. I know it's wrong to laugh, but it really was funny. Father Sinclair caught sight of Papi Scratch, gurgled something, and fainted, knocking over the table that held the Host. He had Host wafers all over him. As the paramedics carted him away, the wafers fell off in a trail. Like a breadcrumb trail.
I guess you had to have been there.
We haven't seen Father Sinclair in a while. He's too afraid to come out of his room. My Aunt tried to bring him a casserole. She said when she knocked on his front door; she heard a rather girlish screaming coming from inside.
"I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR HELLISH TUNA, WOMAN!"
"That man is off his rocker!" she said.
I just got news today that they're coming to take Father Sinclair away. Oh yes. They've got the involuntary commitment papers ready to go. That should be fun to watch! They're going to have the Sheriff's Department on hand in case Father Sinclair doesn't go peacefully.
I'll try to get some pictures.
Afterward, I'm hitting the Heathen's Highway! There are a few cool bands that are going to be playing.
And of course, I plan to watch my favorite show............
The Rabbits from Hell!
I've got an extra pass if anyone wants to go!
User Reviews
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-10-19 09:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
You know, I bet, with enough time and money, you probably could teach a few rabbits to drum like you'd described.
Rabbits are dumb, and it takes a long time for them to learn anything, but they can learn.
Some of the rabbits on youtube are pretty impressive.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2007-01-10 11:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93240
Right back atcha.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-06 12:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy, you're terrible! My snatch does not write my posts.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-06 12:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rating the snatch, not the post.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-09-05 19:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a good time...sodomite rabbits, I'll hafta use that one!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-05 17:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exactly what kind of chemicals are you exposed to at work?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-05 17:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've seen it.
It's rubbish
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-05 16:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the Rabbits from Hell.
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There's a similiar act near Branson, but with ducks
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-05 15:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What makes you think I read ANY posts? Besides my own...
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-05 10:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus Shlongy you didn't even read it
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-05 10:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Youhaveavagina Auto +2.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-05 08:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey d_prime
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92654
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-05 08:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How long until someone makes a post for "Obsessive-Compulsive Condescension Madness"????
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-09-05 07:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LAWDY!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-05 07:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-05 06:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-05 05:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh he said getting off
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-09-05 05:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A good post before getting off to bed.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-05 03:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto-GoFuckYoMammaMadness +2