Getting the cake home - Part 1 (499 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: cake
Rating: 1.83 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-09-05 08:29:38 EDT
Andy and I were at one of the many shitty little village fairs that seem to be spread out in this area throughout the whole of the summer. At first it might seem sad, pathetic, maybe even old before our time, but we had a very good reason. Cake.
After a whole year of nothing but practice, we were now experts at guessing the weight of cakes. And if you guessed the weight correctly, you won it. Months and months of agonising practice, learning the estimate dimensions and proportional volume of cream, according to thickness, as well as coating, decoration and packaging. We had been able to get them accurate to within five grams, consistently.
When the season came around we blitz every fair we could find within a twenty mile radius, winning cake, after cake, after cake. We had been getting sponge cake, fruit cake, rock cake and floor cake. Every cake you can imagine, we were winning. Then we would spend the days in between enjoying our cake and then win another. It was perfect.
This weekend was the last one of the season, and we managed to get a perfect score, winning twenty-six out of twenty-six cakes. And, as we were in the middle of the nearest town we decided to go and celebrate. Carrying our cake into the pub, we took a seat each, got drinks and had a decent enough evening, every now and then picking at the cake.
At about half nine we stumbled out of the pub and back towards Andy's car. When we got there, the tyres had been slashed completely across, as well as the windscreen being shattered across the drivers half and paint stripper thrown down one side.
"What the hell are we going to do now?" Andy asked, despairingly.
"Can you afford a taxi?" I asked, feeling poor.
"No. You?"
"Not unless taxi drivers take cake as payment."
Suddenly every window and door in the surrounding buildings slammed shut and all the lights seemed to go out at once, leaving us stood in the dim light of the disappearing dusk and the crappy, flickering street light.
We both looked around, feeling certain that this was all related to the damage done to the car. And sure enough, stood at either end of the road were two small groups of people. Most of them elderly, so it wasn't too intimidating.
Then one person stepped forward from each group. I instantly recognised one of them. She was the large, old woman who had been running the stall we had won the cake from earlier. I flicked my head to the other end of the road, assuming that the man who had stepped out had been the baker responsible for the cake. He was wearing full white clothes, with one of those crap hats they wear.
"Do you think they're onto us?" Andy muttered. I just gripped the cake closer to me.
Slowly the group began a steady march, closing in on us.
"Fancy a walk home?" I said, noticing just how many people were actually in the two groups. Collectively there must have been more than forty people advancing towards us. One or two of them actually seemed to be brandishing weapons and burning torches.
"Fuck walking," Andy looked panicked. "I'm running."
He turned and sprinted towards the low wall we were parked next to and jumped at it. Using his car as a foothold, he managed to force himself up. I made to follow him as the footsteps from street got faster and heavier with people breaking into sprints to get us.
When Andy was on top of the wall I passed him the cake and climbed up. We both dropped down the other side of the wall. When we landed, we carried on downwards as we hit the slope that lead down and down and down into the middle of the small woodland area that the local government thought was a good idea to place all over the towns twenty years ago. They had since forgotten about most of them, including this one and it had got out of control.
Branches and twigs whipped across my face as I stumbled ass over tit all the way down the twenty foot slope. Andy was already at the bottom, brushing the dirt and leaves off the cake, which was still well protected inside it wrapping.
"We have to get out of here." Andy told me, panting.
"Great plan there, genius." I said, with a bit more malice then was appropriate. I wiped a small trail of blood from the side of my face where a bramble had caught me.
We got up and began to walk alongside the river, which if we followed upstream would lead to a small bridge that we could cross and get away from this patch. The locals seemed extremely upset about having lost their cake.
---
After a few minutes of walking and arguing, we approached the bridge. It would be the end of Amesbury's turf on the other side. Once we crossed the fifty foot span, we would be safe. Amesbury wouldn't dare invade the next village, Bulford.
Then we saw fire in the distance, getting closer and closer. We quickened our pace, determined to reach the bridge before the torch carrying psychopaths at the other end of the path. It wasn't long before we were running.
Mid-sprint Andy lost his grip on the cake, which came rolling out of his hands. Diving to catch it, I slid along the semi-wet ground, the cake secure in my hands. Andy stood at the edge of the bridge, ushering me to get up and hurry. A quick glance straight ahead was all the extra encouragement I needed, as I saw the torches nearly at the bridge entrance.
On my feet I carried on running, as a burning torch came through the sky and landed in the middle of the wooden bridge, splintering apart, spreading the fire across the centre of it. Andy ran across the river, ignoring the fire ripping at his feet.
I wasn't far behind, but as I put my foot down somewhere around the middle, the wood shattered and I tripped. Calling Andy, I threw the cake to him, while I clawed my way up.
Moments after I was up, the rest of the section of the bridge began to fall apart in flames. With a last, heroic dive I landed on the rough ground the other side. Beneath me, the bridge completely fell away. Disappearing into the water a few feet below.
The Amesbury Crew reached the other side a few seconds too late, cursing and throwing various items at us, none of them reaching us.
"You'll never get home, motherfuckers!" Shouted the baker. The old lady looked disgruntled by his language. "Every fair organiser between here and Netheravon is onto you."
Andy and I just looked at each other in despair.
"You'll never get home." The baker repeated, turning and walking away with the rest of the AC's, pulling a phone from his pocket as they disappeared back down the path.
It took us about twenty minutes to cross the field, eventually making it into Bulford and moving carefully around the streets, just in case the baker was telling the truth.
"We're gonna get japped here." Andy muttered to me as we stalked along the streets, sticking to the light as much as we could.
It wasn't long before we were close to the invisible line that marked out Durrington from Bulford, which would make us one step closer to home. But it was uneasy, not having seen a single person since Amesbury and it having been so easy.
As we began to cross carefully we heard running footsteps, but couldn't see where they were coming from, seeming to be from all directions at once in the surrounding street.
We froze and waited. Straight after we were surrounded, although given a large radius, with nowhere to run. Stood all around us, silent and staring, were five people from the Bulford Village Fair, each with a shovel in their hand, spinning it gently.
---
Next: Bopping with the Bulford Furies
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-07 15:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-05 22:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-09-05 19:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-09-05 09:28:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Waaarriooooorrrs...come out and plaaayeeeeaaayyy! [clink, clink, clink]
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-05 15:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-05 15:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Titus Andronicus
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-09-05 14:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cakeee....
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cake.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So, we could go into the bedroom and discover your dead father's body or...have cake."
-Erin, "Titus", Episode one: "Dad's Dead"
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-09-05 09:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Waaarriooooorrrs...come out and plaaayeeeeaaayyy! [clink, clink, clink]
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-09-05 08:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-05 08:36:43 (#)
Ranking: 1
Shenanigans, Fair organisers wouldn't even know what a gram was.
---
I never said they did
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-05 08:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a great premise.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-05 08:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://gabbly.com/http://www.ubersite.com
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-05 08:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Shenanigans, Fair organisers wouldn't even know what a gram was.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-05 08:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I want to do you.