D-Prime Madness: Rape: The Other Other Other White Meat (635 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: comedy
Rating: 0.5 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maltese (View user info) at 2006-09-05 10:17:24 EDT
Thanksgiving Day 2005. It's a Thanksgiving I shall never forget. My best friend Hennessy's family had invited us to have Thanksgiving Dinner with them, like we have done every Thanksgiving since 1995. The reason was because we both very poor, but combined we could afford a good Thanksgiving dinner. There was always turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, apple pie, cranberry sauce, the usual. Hennessy's mother was the best cook in all of Alabama (she was also hot). But this Thanksgiving was going to be different. Very different.
Hennessy's sister, about fourteen, was one year younger than him, and was the most innocent person I knew. We'll call her Therese (because that's her name). She was like an angel sort of, with the most perfect blonde hair in the world. She was so innocent, in fact, that nobody could have suspected her dark side, which was to be found out later.
Including me, twenty people were at this dinner, nine of them over the age of 80 (four of my grandparents, four of Hennessy's grandparents, and Hennessy's great-grandmother, whose hundredth birthday was only three days away).
After three hours of much mouth-watering, cooking, defrosting, conversation, and preparation, the food was brought out. Three turkeys, five gallons of mashed potatos, oceans of cranberry sauce, untold mountains of stuffing, a pyramid of corn on the cob, plus Hennessy's Mom's Famous Apple Pie - still the best thing I have ever tasted in my life - it was a feast fit for a trailer-trash king like me. Then we all sat down, said grace, and lit the candles, and changed Thanksgiving FOREVAR.
About thirty seconds or so into the dinner, a hint of pussy started to fill the room. It was quite faint at first, but it grew in strength as each second passed. I thought I was the only one to notice it, until I saw that others noticed as well.
After about two minutes, the stench was bad enough that it had seeped into the food, rendering it uneatable. Normally I would eat pussy, but this cooter was smellier than an ancient smegma mountain recovered from a gay hobo's ass. In the sewers. Of Tokyo. It was quite possibly the worst smell ever to enter someone's nostrils.
Well, I wouldn't say "entered" my nostrils. More like "beat my nose by smashing a bowling ball repeatedly against its bare testicles".
At about two and a half minutes into the meal, everyone noticed.
"What is that HORRID smell!?", asked Great-Grandmother Hennessy.
We all pushed away our plates in disgust.
After three minutes, we all agreed that there was pussy in the air tonight.
We all ran outside and tried to think about what might have caused such a horrible (but hilariously awesome) event to occur. The dinner was ruined, permeated by the scent of pussy, and so it was thrown away and Thanksgiving cancelled.
Two days later, while Hennessy was over at my house, I asked him if he had found out what had caused the pussyclouds.
He told me that apparently his sister had some sick fantasies - rape fantasies, no less - and her boyfriend (an emo kid, I'd seen him a few times) would masturbate her with those candlesticks in their attic while she roleplayed a rape. After months of usage, such concentrations of vaginal acids must have seeped into the wick, emitting it after it was lit.
I rolled on the floor and laughed. I laughed harder than I ever had before, just laughing my lungs out for the next ten minutes.
I swore not to tell anyone in my family - Hennessy's family had already found out after she confessed. Therese was grounded for two months, she was not allowed to see her boyfriend ever again, and now her ultraconservative grandparents hate her guts. Plus we'll never stop picking on her.
We had a Thanksgiving dinner a few days later to compensate, and it truly was the greatest Thanksgiving evar.
A few months later, in January, we saw her boyfriend at the local Wal-Mart, shopping in the candle section.
User Reviews
Submitted by bokinsmowls (user info) at 2006-09-14 07:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-09-05 20:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-09-05 20:53:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
Because you actually give a shit about ratings.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-05 17:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-05 16:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2Prime Madness!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-05 16:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ubmitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-09-05 12:13:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
"About thirty seconds or so into the dinner, a hint of pussy started to fill the room"
^
|
I think I will write a spoof on Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" going something like this:
----------------------
I thought the exact same thing.
RANCID COOTER'S WAFTING IN THE AIR TONIGHT!
SO WRONG!
I CAN TASTE IT AND SOMETHING JUST DON'T SEEM QUITE RIGHT!
SO WRONG!
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-05 16:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2006-09-05 10:44:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh, have a +2 because I didn't know burning decrepit vaginal juices produced such an odor.
I'll have to try that at my next dinner party!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-05 16:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:57:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:22:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
A few tips, Maltese...
When a story is this untrue, don't pretend it is.
Putting random stupid Ubersite terms like "evar" throughout your posts just makes it look stupid.
This line, "We'll call her Therese (because that's her name)" has been used before, and using it again makes you look like a dick. """
yeah - i used it first 3 years ago back when I was mildly amusing.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-05 15:59:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because you asked so nice.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-09-05 14:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pussy cloud. HA!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-09-05 14:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well cuz i owe you at least one.
but jesus that's an involved project to do them all.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-05 14:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i did not read this auto +2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-05 14:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suppose I should thank you
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-09-05 12:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For acting less than 16.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-05 12:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm tired of "evar"
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-09-05 12:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"About thirty seconds or so into the dinner, a hint of pussy started to fill the room"
^
|
I think I will write a spoof on Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" going something like this:
You told me it was fresh.
I did not lend a deuche.
I've seen your puss before my friend and
I would prefer you not let it loose
I was there and saw that ol puss
saw it with my own two eyes
well you can wipe off that grin I know where it's been
it's starting to atract flies flies flies
How would I ever forget it's the first time the last time it ever stank stank stank
I can smell it stinking up the air to-night oh lonnng oh lonng
That's all I got so far you fucking faker! Good story though.
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:22:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
A few tips, Maltese...
When a story is this untrue, don't pretend it is.
Putting random stupid Ubersite terms like "evar" throughout your posts just makes it look stupid.
This line, "We'll call her Therese (because that's her name)" has been used before, and using it again makes you look like a dick.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
potatoes surely??
Submitted by ugoat (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
needs more rape
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What's an "assfag", Sister?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A few tips, Maltese...
When a story is this untrue, don't pretend it is.
Putting random stupid Ubersite terms like "evar" throughout your posts just makes it look stupid.
This line, "We'll call her Therese (because that's her name)" has been used before, and using it again makes you look like a dick.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit. Don't tell me this has burned out already.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ohh, my son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world has gone gay!
-- Homer Simpson
Homer's Phobia
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-05 11:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The last line here made this post what it is: good.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2006-09-05 10:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh, have a +2 because I didn't know burning decrepit vaginal juices produced such an odor.
I'll have to try that at my next dinner party!
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-09-05 10:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh Hard to believe, but not impossible. Plus I did smile.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2006-09-05 10:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
RAPE RAPE REVOLUTION