And I Sat Watching the Paint Peel (446 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.9 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2006-09-05 14:57:51 EDT
Sometimes people take courtesy and politeness as a means of getting what they want and trampling all over what you want and causing you great intestinal pain.
This past weekend was one of those times.
I was supposed to go camping with my best friend's family this weekend down by Raleigh, NC at a place called Jordan Lake. Since I go hiking and camping a good amount I had all of my gear already packed in my Kelty pack and ready to go regardless of any planned trip. I tossed it in the back of my truck Friday morning and skipped out on work around 1pm and drove the 4 hours down to Elon College to meet them.
Due to events out of anyone's control we found out around 6pm on Friday that we couldn't camp there unless we had an RV. "No big deal", I thought. I'd just stay the night Friday night and head home Saturday morning. Once things got figured out it was decided that I'd stay with the Crazy Uncle and his three daughters.
If you've seen Meet the Parents you'll have a VERY good idea as to how this family was. He retired from a Federal law enforcement about 2 months ago and doesn't start his new job until this week. He's restless, suspicious but surprisingly friendly. The mother is Martha Stewart's clone. The oldest daughter has a boyfriend, the middle daughter does as well, and then came the youngest.
The 17 year old ballerina.
The first thought that came to my head when I saw her for the first time in 6 years was, "I'm fucked."
She's grown up a lot. That's an understatement to a major degree. When she first came in the room I thought she was one of the oldest daughter's friends. Think of one of those hot Swedish bikini models that went around all of the websites and forwarded emails, yet with a southern accent and a proclivity towards cheerleading shorts and eye catching busty shirts.
The first thing she did was say, "DUSTY!" and run up and give me a hug. If I was wearing a cup you would have heard a knock. Instead I had to abort the hug prematurely and squat down to act like I needed to retie my shoe. So she sat indian style in front of me as I tied my shoe. I couldn't get away from her.
The next morning finally came around and I found myself on the couch in their study being stared at by the Father. He had two beers in his hand and pitched one over to to.
"Got some work for you if you can spare a few hours", he said as he cracked open what appeared to be one of the many beers he'd already had that morning. Retired life must have been fun for him these past two months.
That was Saturday. He wouldn't let me leave that night to go home. He doesn't have a son and found how useful it can be to have someone else around that can lift more than ten pounds.
This was also the second day in a row I hadn't taken a shit. I was still carrying Thursday's dinner, Friday's food, and now Saturday's food along with 18 or 19 beers. I was sweating at times when the shit-pangs would come.
Sunday was more of the same. His daughters were constantly around, always right there when I was considering making a B-Line for the bathroom. As much as I had to go, I couldn't do it knowing full well that I could kill several adult humans in the aftermath. People with canaries and other birds don't let me use their bathrooms knowing that even small dilutions of my toxic gases could kill small animals.
The girls kept me up until 3:00am again Sunday night. They insisted on dancing around to old music like Blessed Union of Souls and Savage Garden. Just as I was getting ready to puke up feces from the combination of being backed up for days and that guy's voice in Savage Garden, they left and went to bed.
I grabbed a newspaper and carried it down the hall as if I were leading a parade. It was truly an exciting moment. As I entered the kitchen and rounded the counter and the stairs I bumped into something. Someone. A light flicked on and I was staring face to face with the Father. He looked down in my hand and saw the newspaper. I looked down in his and saw '1001 Fun Facts'.
"You too, huh?" He said. I nodded. He gave me a half cocked smile and a pat on the shoulder.
That poor man couldn't shit around his own family. We had a brief moment of bonding and understanding and then walked off to our respective bathrooms in their down stairs level.
As the 37 pounds of food and beer finally made their exit I had to smile thinking to myself, "I never want daughters if this is what I have to resort to."
And so I sat until about 4:15am watching my fumes peel the paint on the walls in complete relief.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a regular hit machine around here, assmunch.
Maybe it's time to work on that "personality" thing before you end up living at the Salvation Army.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-06 02:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i can relate to this on so many levels...
except the asshole that doesn't seem to possess the ability, or desire, to evaluate just the post, on it's own, rather than the individual who submits it
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-06 00:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-06 00:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
17 is legal here.
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-09-05 21:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-09-05 17:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have banged the 17 year old!!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-05 17:05:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
JUST HAVE A SHIT FAGGOT
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-05 17:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just give it a year. Then do the ballerina until she wants to tattoo your name on her clitoris.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-05 15:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Personally, I would've just taken the dump and risked the consequences.
Holding it in for two days is not worth it for ANY woman, porn star or not.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-05 15:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-05 15:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ummm, that was a satirical retort to the picture on that post of Crocodile Dundee, you fucking moron.
But you're more than welcome to visit me any time you want. I'm sure you have the mapquest to my house pinned to the wall of your sleazebag apartment. Wear a hockey helmet so I'll know which jagoff you are and the lacrosse stick to your melon won't hurt so much.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-09-05 15:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-05 14:58:07 (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope that dirtbag - Alligator McGee or whatever the fuck he calls himself, is next.
-------
I really should visit you some time. I'll be the pitcher and you can be the catcher though.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-09-05 15:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto Wilcat is Gay -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-05 14:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What's your thoughts on