Stilettos and Testicles DO NOT mix (2088 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.86 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG <joe_green_2006.at.yahoo.co.uk> (View user info) at 2006-09-06 04:58:30 EDT
Finally.
My car had been at the garage for about a week or so, and at long last I got a call saying I could come and pick it up.
No more buses, no more taxis. Freedom to travel was mine again. I left work early so I could get there in plenty of time, and pick it up.
Upon my arrival, the usual array of mechanics were poking around underneath cars and vans, and drawing in clichéd intakes of breath as they assessed the damage on cars that had just been brought in.
I was wandering around the forecourt, looking for someone who was free who could help me. I had been in a couple of times to check on progress, so when the giant shadow fell over me from behind, I knew it wasn't because the sky had just clouded over. I turned around, and looked up at BARNEY (capital letters fully intended).
To say Barney was big would be like saying Mount Everest is just a bump in the road. He was 6'7" and easily 350lbs of pure, unadulterated, badass nigger. He was solid. The guy looked as though he could sweat rocks. Everything about him seemed to scream "DON'T FUCK WITH ME, PUNK". He reminded me of John Coffey in The Green Mile.
"Hey Barney, how's things? I got a call from the boss, he said I could come and pick her up?"
"Sure thing", he uttered in a guttural rumble. "She's just over there." He motioned toward my Ford Focus that was parked up in a corner of the forecourt.
He tossed me the keys, and told me to go inside and settle up the bill with whoever was manning the desk. As I went inside, I could already feel my wallet begin to ache.
When they had first told me what was wrong with the car, I knew there was more chance of me shitting in the Queen's handbag than there was of getting away with it cheap. After totting up all the parts (which were expensive), labour rates (which were extortionate) plus VAT, it all came to a small fortune. But it was worth it to get my baby back in good working order, so I happily handed over my debit card and resigned myself to cutting down the partying for the rest of the month.
As I left the office and was walking across the yard to where my car was, I noticed Barney was underneath someone's people carrier, led on his back, on one of those trolleys that slide under cars. A lady was behind the wheel.
"Can you start the engine, and give her a few revs?" Barney's growl from beneath the car was unmistakable.
The lady gunned the engine into life, and pumped the gas a few times, as requested.
"Yeah, I think I can see the problem", he shouted over the noise. "You can switch her off now."
The lady killed the engine, and decided to get out. She swung both legs out of the door and, quite literally, hopped out. This is where it all went wrong.
At the same time that the lady hopped out, Barney was sliding back out from underneath the vehicle. The lady was wearing a smart black skirt, white blouse and a pair of stilettos. Barney was wearing overalls with a low crotch.
I could see what was going to happen. I stood and watched in horror, as the event unfurled, as if it were in slow motion. Watched, as the point of the high heel descended on a catastrophic collision course with Barney's exposed groin. Watched, as the impact landed, and Barney's knees pull up in a reflexive action.
After the incident, I had time to consider the maths. The lady looked about 150lbs, give or take. The point of a stiletto, approximately 2 square inches. All this equates to one fuck of a lot of pressure, being applied (at speed) to maybe 3 cubic inches of soft, unprotected love spud. I couldn't give you the exact numbers involved in the calculation, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out the result.
Pain.
Lots of pain.
I stood transfixed at the sight. For a second or so, there was no sound, no movement. Then, I could feel the atmosphere from around me being sucked underneath the car, as Barney began to inhale, taking every ounce of available oxygen.
Then came the roar. It started as a low, bear like cry, gaining decibels as it went. But as the volume increased, so did the frequency, until the noise coming from beneath the vehicle sounded like a soprano hitting the high C note that can crack crystal.
When the sound stopped, I wasn't sure it was because the guy had expelled all the air from his lungs, or whether he had simply gone beyond the range of human hearing.
The lady, who was just standing there with her hands over her mouth, finally broke her stance. Without so much as a word, she grabbed the trolley, and slowly, with trembling hands, pulled Barney out from under her car. Barney was just staring at the sky, as if he was catatonic, with his hands on his groin.
The whole forecourt watched in silence, as Barney rolled off the trolley and onto the floor. It was the lady who finally broke the silence.
"Oh my God, mister, I'm so sorry!"
3 of the mechanics cautiously approached the prostrate Barney. Slowly, they grabbed the big guy, and helped him to his feet. He lifted one shaking hand away from his balls, and saw the red tips on the ends of his fingers. I looked down, and it was clear to see the crimson patch spreading outwards from the area of impact. He looked like a gargantuan gollywog on the rag.
I've never seen such a big guy cry. But it's not surprising that his eyes were already running like rivers. I could have wept for the poor guy there and then. As I drove home, I tried to imagine the pain of a ruptured bollock. It was too excruciating to comprehend completely. Mentally, I stored something away for future reference:
Note to self - Stilettos and Testicles DO NOT mix.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-02 18:34:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is simply one of the best posts in ages. I read it outside (at work) on a smoke break, and the following segment had me braying like a donkey.
==
I stood transfixed at the sight. For a second or so, there was no sound, no movement. Then, I could feel the atmosphere from around me being sucked underneath the car, as Barney began to inhale, taking every ounce of available oxygen.
Then came the roar. It started as a low, bear like cry, gaining decibels as it went. But as the volume increased, so did the frequency, until the noise coming from beneath the vehicle sounded like a soprano hitting the high C note that can crack crystal.
When the sound stopped, I wasn't sure it was because the guy had expelled all the air from his lungs, or whether he had simply gone beyond the range of human hearing.
==
Excellent.
Submitted by SpeechlessAddictions (user info) at 2006-09-15 19:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and this is yet another reason why i don't wear stilettos
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-09-15 18:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-13 22:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone told me to check out your writing...I'm not disappointed.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-10 04:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-09-06 09:00:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I stopped breathing during this.
--------------------------------------
I'm still having trouble breathing now. It just keeps replaying over and over in my mind.
Submitted by januaryhwb (user info) at 2006-09-07 14:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ouch...
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-09-07 01:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit, I can just imagine the pain that guy went through
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-09-07 01:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you're lying
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-09-07 01:00:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you for an entertaining story.
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2006-09-06 22:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this was good but i can only give it a 1 because the first half had me worried it was going to turn out as some sick fem-dom bondage bullshit.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-09-06 17:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-09-06 09:00:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I stopped breathing during this.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-06 17:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll give you a +2, if you never make me read this again
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-06 17:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that shit aint right
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-06 15:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2 for spelling cliché with an é.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-06 15:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear, one day I will find you and we will make sweet Uberlove in the pooper.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-06 15:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear God.
Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2006-09-06 14:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-09-06 14:39:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
This will haunt me for years.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-09-06 14:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This will haunt me for years.
Submitted by TheChemist (user info) at 2006-09-06 13:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pain. Yet amazingly funny.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-06 11:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gah
GAH!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-06 11:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a friend who used to be a stripper until she found she could do half the work and make twice the money as a professional non-sexual Dominatrix in Cleveland. (note - she is one of the most beautiful women I've ever actually seen with my own eyes) Anyhow, she had this guy who would come in every few months, a real big-wig exceutive type. She would beat him up for a while, call him names, all that shit. At the end, his thing was simple...
He would duct tape his cock back onto his belly, lay down on his back and place his testicles on a white satin pillow. She would then stomp on them with high heels until they bleed. And she made about $3000 per visit.
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The incredibly sad thing is, women will never understand that pain. Almost every man who reads this, or sees something like this happen, gets a flashback to every time they've been racked. A woman who does this and then says "I'm so sorry!" will never realize that's about as meaningful as throwing a dixie cup of water on an inferno.
reading this made my testicles try to crawl up inside of my body.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-09-06 09:55:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohh man, this post had its own soundtrack and illustrations in my head.
As you travelled to get your car, I imagined some walking theme music, like when Peter Griffin gets those wishes from the Genie in the "Viewer Fan Mail" episode. I imagine you skipping the whole way.
As the Barney's shadow loomed over you, I imagined one long, low note being bowed on a double bass as a look of horror mounts and then dissipates quickly on your face.
Then there's silence as your facial mannerisms are enough to convey how much you're getting fucked to get your car back.
All of a sudden you turn around and your eyes bulge wide open. The path from heel to ball is only a meter or so, but the woman's foot seems to go down forever, as does Barney's path. All the while a foreboding Jaws-esque type orchestra theme is playing. Cut to an anime rendition of her heel coming down with streaks of wind passing by and a bright red background emphasizing the immense danger. Likewise for Barney's crotch, except with a darker red background...you know why.
During the madness, the camera cuts to your face at sporadic intervals, zooming closer on your eyes each time, emphasizing a growing twitch in the left one.
Finally: impact. One scene after another of calamity: a knockout punch in a heavyweight fight; a cannonball taking out a guy's leg; a plane crashing through a building; a gigantic mushroom cloud. After building to this climax, the rest of the post goes on with the walking theme music straight through the credits.
----------------------------------
Thats gotta be the best review of any of my posts ever! If I could +2 a review, it'd be this one!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-09-06 09:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohh man, this post had its own soundtrack and illustrations in my head.
As you travelled to get your car, I imagined some walking theme music, like when Peter Griffin gets those wishes from the Genie in the "Viewer Fan Mail" episode. I imagine you skipping the whole way.
As the Barney's shadow loomed over you, I imagined one long, low note being bowed on a double bass as a look of horror mounts and then dissipates quickly on your face.
Then there's silence as your facial mannerisms are enough to convey how much you're getting fucked to get your car back.
All of a sudden you turn around and your eyes bulge wide open. The path from heel to ball is only a meter or so, but the woman's foot seems to go down forever, as does Barney's path. All the while a foreboding Jaws-esque type orchestra theme is playing. Cut to an anime rendition of her heel coming down with streaks of wind passing by and a bright red background emphasizing the immense danger. Likewise for Barney's crotch, except with a darker red background...you know why.
During the madness, the camera cuts to your face at sporadic intervals, zooming closer on your eyes each time, emphasizing a growing twitch in the left one.
Finally: impact. One scene after another of calamity: a knockout punch in a heavyweight fight; a cannonball taking out a guy's leg; a plane crashing through a building; a gigantic mushroom cloud. After building to this climax, the rest of the post goes on with the walking theme music straight through the credits.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-06 09:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My balls hurt now so fuck you.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-09-06 09:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the story.
but stillettos are the pinpoint heels. 2" sq would be more of a chunky heel.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-06 09:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEEEEEOWWWW
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-09-06 09:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<Whimpers>
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-09-06 09:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I stopped breathing during this.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-06 08:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stiletto heels are for women with something to prove.
Women with something to prove have *probably* been raped.
Women who have *probably* been raped will most likely wear Keds or something equivalent through their 'healing' period and then, upon realizing how much "stronger" they are now after this awful experience, the stiletto's make a cameo.
This has been a lesson in symbolic logic.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-09-06 08:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-06 08:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus wept.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-09-06 07:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This title sucked.
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-09-06 06:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch. I have ball ache now.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-06 05:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG he hurt his ghoulies!? WTF ROFLCOPTER AND HE BLED LOLLOCAUST etc...
Bit derivative basically. Try to keep the energy and originality up.