Purple Monkey Dishwasher (D-Prime Madness) (1684 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.76 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JMG114 (View user info) at 2006-09-06 10:09:24 EDT
I was washing spoons for the elderly on Monday when I found my dishwasher broken. No matter. Dishwashers are as easily replaceable as a new pressure cooker or clothes dryer (which are absolute BITCHES to replace) so I took a ride down to Crazy Bob's Discount Appliance Hut.
Huge, hand-painted poster board signs greeted me as I entered the store. "Slightly used microwaves! (comes with free meat)," "Always-on toasters! (comes with free meat)," and, "Ask about our free meat special!"
In the "Old, dented crap" section, I had been admiring one model (that claimed to wash as well as have a pleasing vibratory function if you pressed yourself against it) when the proprietor, Big Bob himself, slid next to me.
"This model's great!" the giant man barked, tipping his cowboy hat, unzipping his trousers, and pressing his man-meat disturbingly close to mine on the vibrating model, "It's slightly used!"
"Ugh!" I recoiled and jumped back. "I'm here for a new dishwasher."
>BURP!< Big Bob burped in excitement, his breath smelling like cheap, cheap, cheap-ass whiskey. "I have just the model for you! It's from Africa!"
Anyone who knows me will agree that I'm a fan of African engineering. Intrigued, I followed the plump purveyor to a rather pristine looking model. In fact, I didn't see anything wrong with it, at first. It was white, unassuming, and very, very shiny.
"This model looks great," I remarked, "It seems out of place here."
"Yeah!" Big Bob agreed. "It's a great model. It comes with free meat!" He wiped a tear from his eye, so pleased he was to be in the business.
I nodded. "I'll take it!"
"Good. Oh, I almost forgot! It comes with a monkey!"
"Pardon?"
He reached into his cavernous back pocket and pulled out a hideous specimen of a monkey. Its right eye twitched while its left eye darted around in every direction. It was missing several patches of fur and what's more, it was purple. Not a brownish monkey-purple, no. This was fire engine purple. A thin line of drool poured steadily out of its mouth.
Pleasantly, I asked, "What the fuck is this?"
Big Bob coughed up a cigar butt and replied, "A purple monkey dishwasher. It's in the contract of these African laborers. They struck a deal with some jack-off hippie environmental group sayin' that every time God makes a sale, he kills a monkey . . .or wait, was that it?"
Big Bob looked around, perplexed. I was already gone with the washer and the monkey. After all, a new dishwasher is a new dishwasher.
"I'm back!" I declared upon entering the old folks' home with my new dishwasher. My elderly friends lifted their canes, walkers, and false legs in greeting. Boy, were they in for a treat!
"Ta-da!" I yelled, giving two people heart attacks, "It's a new dishwasher! Now I can wash all of your dishes!" I opened it up to show off its brand-new insides.
"Wash my teeth!" Theodore called, "Wash my dentures!"
"No!" Edna squawked, "Wash mine!"
Growiltiger, a bear of a man who had once wrestled a man-bear boomed, "No, wash mine!"
Everyone wanted me to wash their false teeth and dentures! Suddenly, the purple monkey jumped out from behind me, hiked up Edna's floral skirt, and began flagrantly tasting some old poon.
"Yeeeeaaggghh!" the old lady shrieked in surprise and alarm. She fell backwards, breaking every bone in her body. "Aaaaagh," she choked and expired.
The monkey tore out of her dress and jumped onto Theodore's tasty, nut-like scalp. "Agh!" he screeched, "Not my tasty, nut-like scalp!" The monkey screamed and ripped Theodore's scalp off, devouring it messily.
Next, the purple monkey saw Betty, who was a heavy-set woman and former Princeton-educated scientist. She had actually been the sole woman on the NASA committee that developed the space shuttle.
Monkey pounced onto her flab, chewing neatly through her midsection. It ripped two handfuls of flesh from her guts and tilted its head back in self-exaltation. "Raaaaagh!" it screamed.
Wilhelm picked up his cane and attempted to swat the monkey away. Monkey grabbed the cane and was about to bludgeon poor Wilhelm when something caught the other end of the cane fast. Monkey looked up.
It was Growiltiger.
"Hey, Growiltiger," Wilhelm complained, "Let go of my cane! I'm trying to stop this monkey!"
In one fluid move, the powerful, legendary hunter Growiltiger picked up the cane (to which monkey was still clutching tightly) spun it around his head, and catapulted monkey into the waiting, metal jaws of the dishwasher. The appliance slammed shut, and I could hear the simian prisoner's muffled squeals and frothy yells from inside.
"Now," Growiltiger instructed, "We—"
Growiltiger, a life-long narcoleptic, fell asleep. None of us knew what to do next!
Old John, an old man named John, suggested, "We should bring it out to the curb."
"No!" Wilhelm protested, "It's not garbage day!"
There were general murmurs of consensus. Then, Crazy Daisy piped up, "Let's wash 'im and wash 'im good!"
Wilhelm declared, "The toothless one speaks wisdom! Come lads! Let's turn this thing on!"
So they turned the washing machine on, and the monkey was washed. Or dead. I don't know. I didn't stick around.
User Reviews
Submitted by catalyst.dp (user info) at 2007-07-27 04:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats good man i wish you had stuck around though
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-09-28 15:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:27:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
vintage JMG
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care what you write. +2
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2006-09-15 19:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ack. Ack.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-09-12 14:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i want my five minutes back.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2006-09-07 08:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone who knows me will agree that I'm a fan of African engineering
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-06 22:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is fire engine purple? What sort of departments do you guys run down there in the US?
-> Pleasantly, I asked, "What the fuck is this?" <-
Pure genius!
[preferred operation]2!!!!!!
You may get first seed in R1 based on your rating, even though I got rid of the points/stats system of seeding that also would have made you 1st.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-06 17:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-09-06 17:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bosh.
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-09-06 17:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You did okay with the stupid title, but this was just meh.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-06 15:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First, fire engine purple? Bob Dole thinks thats a misquote.
Also, it's Purple Banana Blue Monkey Dishwasher.
At least, thats how Bob Dole's grandpappy used to say it.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-09-06 14:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
monkey
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-06 11:33:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there was a girl at my school we called 'purple monkey butt sex' because she talked about having buttsex with spanish guys a lot and we were fairly certain she was lying and she was hairy on the arms and she smelled bad. She sucked ass.
This didn't
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-06 11:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Point five
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-06 11:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everytime someone sells a dishwasher God spanks his purple monkey?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Purple fire engines?
ok.....
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
vintage JMG
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"This was fire engine purple."
Mastery.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Suddenly, the purple monkey jumped out from behind me, hiked up Edna's floral skirt, and began flagrantly tasting some old poon."
BAAAARRRRF
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Didnt have my phone on Friday, wasn't home, you queerbomb
and Jeremy scared the piss out of me
he's a dead man
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 For the title, it is one of the phrases I say the most. I don't have time to rate the writing at the moment.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-06 10:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't not +2 any post that makes me laugh enough to warrant worried looks from my co-workers.