Getting the cake home - Part 2 (472 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: cake
Rating: 1.66 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-09-07 06:04:41 EDT
Part 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/92653
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"Any plans?" Andy asked, as we turned our backs to each other, watching out.
"Five on two." I muttered, thinking out loud. "Five with weapons, two with cake." I'm sure there was a mathematical formula for this situation, but I couldn't think of it.
Andy and I instantly broke into a sprint, heading towards the nearby garage. The steady footsteps of the old men echoed behind our own in pursuit. We both hit the wall at the back of the garage and leapt up. I threw the cake on over, praying it would be okay on the other side.
We landed in someone's back garden, in the middle of the flower bed. Not caring much about the dying plants we crushed, Andy grabbed the cake and we sprinted down the side of the house and out onto the street. Already our chasers had almost made their way around the side streets and were after us.
But by this time we were on the wrong side of the exit into Durrington, meaning we would have to take the longer route up towards Larkhill and then back down and through. Not the best choice, but it seemed to be all we had left, but we still had another half mile before then.
"I...don't..." Andy began panting, the men still fairly close to catching up with us. "...think I can...carry on..."
"You sure?" Andy nodded. "Good." I skidded to a halt. "I'm sick of running from these fucking farmers."
Andy stopped as well, and we waited for the senior citizens to finally catch up. The first one swung his shovel at me, which narrowly missed. Lunging in after the swing, I punched the old man in the side of the mouth, causing his dentures to fall out and shatter on the drain.
When he flailed around to try and catch them, I grabbed his shovel off him and hit him in his knee. I caught a glance of Andy, who had managed to do a fairly similar trick and was already bopping with another one, while a forth attacked me.
Stood further down on the road stood their oldest looking member, a shovel in each hand. It wasn't long before he was only one left standing, moving in towards us. Andy and I both lunged at him, shovel's high. He easily deflected both with his own and countered with an attack to my left knee and Andy's right shoulder.
He took a step back afterwards and smiled at us both, a sinister, ancient smile. Then, in a move that defied his age, he began spinning around the two shovels in a windmill type movement. To make things even worst he started twisting his upper body.
Taking tentative steps backwards, Andy and I were unsure what to do. And then the man started to move even faster, the shovels just going wild. It wasn't too long before he had dropped them completely and fell to the ground, still spinning and twisting.
"He having a fit?" I asked Andy.
"I'm not a doctor." Andy answered.
"Lucky break."
As we began to walk back the way we came, there was a loud noise of a vehicle somewhere in that direction. Fearing the worst, we both moved to opposite sides of the road. A few moments afterwards a large tractor, with six or seven people hanging all over it passed, accompanied screams and whoops.
"Anyone see those bastards that burnt our bridge?" Was the only line of proper English that I heard.
I tried to take a closer look, but the street light wasn't on my side, but my best guess was it was the Bulford Land Wardens. It seemed the Amesbury Crew had blamed us for the destruction of the bridge. Motherfuckers.
When the tractor had disappeared around the next corner, Andy and I both turned and made our way in the other direction once again, settling upon going via Larkhill. It might have been further away, but there was less chance of the Wardens finding us.
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The trip to Larkhill was fairly uneventful, with no passer-bys and no other Fair Organisers to try and attack us. After about ten minutes of cautious walking we reached the boundaries of Larkhill. After a subtle look around, we made a move to walk through.
We would only have to walk a few hundred yards before we were in Durrington, which would put us closer to home and the safety of our own area, but my knee had begun aching from the shovel attack. Trying not to sound pussy or whiny, we sat on the bench while I waited for the pain to wear off.
As we sat there, gently picking at the cake and enjoy the little bits of fruit that had been intricately placed for one those Amesbury bastard to eat once they fixed the contest, a girl approached us.
A real stunner, tall, short dark hair and clothes that showed off just the right amount of perfectly formed flesh. In short, far too attractive to be approaching two semi-sober, overweight men who were sat on a bench in the dark eating cake after having nearly being beaten up by a bunch of geriatric farmers. I was instantly suspicious.
"Do you guys know where the kebab shop is?" She asked in a sickly sweet voice. What a stupid fucking question. Look at the size of us; of course we know where it is. I've started having my post sent there.
"Just down there." I pointed behind us, refusing to get suckered into something like paying a prostitute or joining a cult.
"Where?" She tried to look innocent, but I saw right through it.
"There you STUPID BITCH!" Andy shouted, standing up and turning to point a hundred metres away. Big mistake. The second his back was turned she pushed him hard over the bench.
Thanks to my awesome reactions I caught the cake, which I figured Andy would have wanted, but it also left me open, as the bitch kicked me in the throat. As I began choking on my own vomit we were suddenly invaded by women from all directions, appearing from hedges and behind trees and lunged at us.
I made a weak move to get hold of the shovel I still had with me, but it was snatched away from me, while fists and feet hit me all over. I dropped to the floor and huddled over the cake, making sure we didn't waste a crumb.
"You think you sons of bitches could steal one of the Beckys' cakes?"
I made an attempt to crawl, but didn't get very far before the onslaught got too much and I began to feel myself slipping away. Then my hand found the handle of the shovel. With a sudden burst of energy I pulled myself up and around, spinning the shovel as hard as I could.
There were a few slaps as the head smacked a few of the girls in the face, before a sickening thud, followed by a crack, as it hit one of them in the shoulder. As the energy began to drain away as quick as it had came, I spun back in the other direction, knocking the few standing women over with the rest of them.
This gave Andy enough time to get on his feet, and together we plodded away as fast as we could.
"Dude," He said, when we were a safe distance from the injured women who hadn't attempted a pursuit. "Hitting women?"
"I think they were lesbians." I muttered. "So I don't think it counts as real women."
"Why not?" He sounded a bit shrill, but the way I saw I'd just saved his life.
"Statistically half of them are the butch in the relationship, so I think that cancels each bitch that I caught."
---
As we approached Durrington, we saw a glorious sight a little way down the road. The last bus of the night, that would go straight home to Netheravon was coming down the road, and the bus stop was only just across the street and down a short way.
"We can make it!" Andy said, excitedly.
"Wait, look." I pointed towards the road in the other direction, where the tractor with the Bulford Land Warden's still hanging all over it. It would be a tight measure, but if we were going to make the bus, we would have to go then.
The bus was getting closer and we had to make a choice. In the end the logic of if we didn't make the bus and exposed ourselves we would get our asses kicked, was overruled by the logic of 'fuck it'.
Using the small reserve of energy that people often describe in those circumstances, we pushed ourselves and sprinted towards the bus stop. The second we moved out of the shadows the people on the bus spotted us and began whooping and shouting.
As we pushed ourselves to run faster, the bus turned onto the same road just behind the bus and went into a fierce pursuit.
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Next: Man vs. Tractor
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-18 13:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-07 16:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-07 06:12:45 (#)
Ranking: 1
good, but errorful.
the logic of "fuck it" overides me giving this anything less than a +2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-09-07 11:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Alright...
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-07 08:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this series.
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-09-07 07:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There were a few slaps as the head smacked a few of the girls in the face, before a sickening thud, followed by a crack, as it hit one of them in the shoulder. As the energy began to drain away as quick as it had came, I spun back in the other direction, knocking the few standing women over with the rest of them.
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mmmmmm shovel sound effects
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-07 06:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good, but errorful.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-07 06:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath is always classic, so here's an early +2 so that I can be first.
If I'm wrong for some inexplicable cause, I'll come back and -2 to make up to it (*shakes fists just in case*)