White Men CAN Jump (893 hits)
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Submitted by JoeyG <joe_green_2006.at.yahoo.co.uk> (View user info) at 2006-09-08 11:31:49 EDT
Why?
Why is it that grown up people insist on trying to "recapture their youth", by recreating moments from their childhood history?
Once you pass a certain age, there are some things that just can't (or at least shouldn't) be done anymore, no matter how young you feel at heart. For example:
- When you go grey up top, mini skirts become a no-no
- Assault courses become a bad idea for those with walking sticks
- When "Scrumping" becomes trespassing and theft
George Bernard Shaw had it spot on - Youth is wasted on the young, and too many people try to re-live those halcyon days by acting out the fun and games they took part in as a child. Sometimes, an opportunity arises, and the child within you rises to the surface, desperate to show your older self that there really is life left in you yet.
And then, it makes a complete ass of your aged, fragile self, reminding you after all, that "you are really too old for all this shit".
A few months ago, myself and a few buddies decided to go and have a picnic down by the stream that ran through the woods on the outskirts of town. We used to go there all the time as kids, climbing trees, swimming, playing tag, learning to smoke..... that kind of thing.
It was a gorgeous summer day, the sun was shining, we had purchased a mobile barbecue, and we had several cool boxes filled with beer and meat. This was gonna be sweet.
When we arrived at the spot, nostalgic waves swept over us, and after a few brews, we were reminiscing and re-telling all the stories from the past.
"Hey, remember when Jimmy fell out that tree and broke his leg....."
"We used to always hide behind that rock when people were coming....."
"That's where Pete barfed after drinking the sherry he took from his Mum's kitchen!"
"We had a rope swing set up on that old oak tree over there....."
The rope swing! Hell yeah! This big old oak overhung the drop down to the stream, and we used to spend hours swinging out on the old tyre attached to the rope. The embankment sloped steeply down to the stream, and at peak swing, you were about 30 feet above it, but 30 feet seems more like 100 when you're a kid. When you were on that swing, you felt like Superman. You were the guy on the flying trapeze, soaring through the air with the greatest of ease. It was pure exhilaration.
The beer kept flowing, and it was inevitable that someone's inner child would soon cry out to be heard.
"Hey, you guys...... I got some tow rope in the back of my car. We could use one of those logs as a seat, and we got ourselves a swing!" Stew had never really grown up, and has always been the big kid of the gang.
This raised a general cheer of consent amongst the group, and Stew ran off to go get the rope. When he returned, the first problem presented itself.
"Which branch did we use to tie it to?"
"Is it still safe? Looks kinda rotten up there now..."
"Who's going to climb up and tie it?"
I had taken a back seat at the time, thinking this might not be such a good idea. But the child within me bitch slapped my common sense into the next week, and took full control of the situation.
"You bunch of bitches.... Give it here."
I tied a loop in one end of the rope, and threw it up over a likely looking branch. After threading the other end through the loop, and pulling it secure against the branch, I picked a log that was long enough and sturdy enough to cope with the likes of our fat asses.
The swing was ready to go.
"Ok", I said. "Who's up first?"
"Yeah, right! You think I'm getting on there?"
"Hey, it was your idea. Where's your balls gone?"
"I'll do it, but you gotta go first."
"Ok, fine. Fucking pansy assed faggot......."
Right, here goes. I gave a few pulls to make sure the branch was secure, and placed the log between my legs. I edged my way to the top of the slope, took a deep breath, bent my legs and kicked off.
As I swung out, a million childhood memories came rushing back to me. The rope was fine. The branch was strong. The rush - unbelievable.
I reached full swing, and let out a triumphant cry. I swung back to land, and hopped off the swing as nimbly as I had ever done as a kid.
"See, it's absolutely fine."
A few of the other guys had a go and soon enough, we had a collective mental age of 12 once more. Everyone was swinging, laughing, drinking and having a way cool time of things.
But the child within will always prove your downfall.
The child within always has to go one better.
"Remember we always thought we could jump off at the peak of the swing and make it to the other side of the bank?"
"Yeah, but no-one was ever stupid enough to actually try it........."
"I reckon I could do it now!" Shaun was the most athletic out of the group.
But he was also the most stupid.
"C'mon man, you'll never make it", I joked. "Get real."
The inner child is not only stupid, it is egotistical. Big time. Challenging the inner child is like waving a red flag at a bull. It's like walking through a lions den, with steak underwear on.
"Hey, fuck you!" He pulled out his wallet. "I got a twenty note here that says I can make the far bank."
"Yeah, I'll take a piece of that!" I produced a twenty of my own, and the funds were given to another member of the group to hold. No way was this guy going to make it.
Shaun took his time and assessed the situation. Several times he walked to the edge of the drop-off, and squinted at the bank on the other side. He doubled checked the rope, pumped up his boots, and took the log. He stuck it between his legs, and walked backwards as far as the rope would allow.
"Just making sure I've got a decent run up."
"You take all the run up you want, it aint gonna make a blind bit of difference!"
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a few moments, and then ran forward as fast as he could. At the edge of the drop, he kicked off as hard as he could, and began to arc out over the stream. If he was going to make it, he would need to jump at the very peak of the swing, and have as much momentum as possible.
He timed it to perfection. At the furthest point out, he let go of the rope, and was flying through the air towards the other side of the stream. And fuck me, he looked like he was gonna make it. I felt my twenty notes disappearing...... Dontyoumakeit dontyoumakeit dontyoumakeit...........
I couldn't believe it!! The son of a bitch made it!
He got off the floor on the opposite bank, and turned to face us.
"Hell yeah! Suck on that, bitch!" He waved his hand in a victorious salute, before flipping me the bird. "Easiest money I ever made!"
In one final display of honour, he jumped up and punched a fist into the air.
He should have shown a bit more restraint in his celebrations. In all the time we had been there as kids, none of us had ever been around the other side of the stream. There was no obvious way to get to it, and we could see there were no rocks or climbable trees that would have lured a kid to play there anyway.
As he landed, the edge of the bank completely gave way. A complete section broke off, and started to slip down towards the stream, taking Shaun with it.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
The section of bank hurtled down the slope like a mini avalanche, terminating in a tumultuous splash of water in the stream below. Shaun managed to swim to the side and clamber up the bank where we we're all waiting, laughing our asses off.
He stood there, soaking wet and covered in mud, but with the biggest smile on his face I'd ever seen.
"Gimme my money! Damn, that's the most fun I've ever had since I left school!"
It was worth the twenty notes just to witness it. Just to be reminded that no matter how old you get, there's always a little bit of kid inside you somewhere. And it never grows old.
I don't care what people say. I had witnessed it for myself - White men CAN jump........ it's just the landings they have trouble with.
Have a youthful weekend everybody........
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-13 20:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, Joey's been here a year? Time flies when you're wasting in on the intarwebs.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-31 00:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2006-11-03 19:09:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-03 18:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff.
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2006-09-13 02:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL - that was some good reading.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-09 13:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-09 01:55:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
There comes a point in a mans life when he has to say, "Leave it to the young."
I am at that point with my bad knees and arthritic back. Lucky for me I can still throw a baseball
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At least I can still beat my nephew at pool!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-09 02:26:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-09 01:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
There comes a point in a mans life when he has to say, "Leave it to the young."
I am at that point with my bad knees and arthritic back. Lucky for me I can still throw a baseball.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-09 01:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-08 11:50:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Very enjoyable.
Why does alchohol always seem to bring out the inner child?
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Underage drinking is on the increase
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-09-08 18:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha great story.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-09-08 15:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff, cheers!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-08 15:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you hear? Scientists have just discovered that you can survive without eating or drinking - all you need to keep you alive is the awesomeness of JoeyG's posts.
Submitted by mc (user info) at 2006-09-08 13:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
golden.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-08 13:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-09-08 12:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perkman, you out there? If you are take note; this is how blog posting is SUPPOSED to be done.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-09-08 12:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-08 12:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-09-08 11:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-08 11:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very enjoyable.
Why does alchohol always seem to bring out the inner child?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-09-08 11:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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