How a Millipede Got Me Grounded For Life (561 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: comedy
Rating: 0.45 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maltese (View user info) at 2006-09-08 18:40:21 EDT
It was a day that I would never forget. The day that nearly destroyed my computer. They day that nearly cut off my penis. The day on which all the objects in my room conspired against me to fuck up my shit.
I was sitting in front of my computer, like always, trying to find some good porn sites.
I reached across to grab my homemade lube, made of 60% water, and 40% of various lotions. Since it was liquidy and not more of a goo that stayed together like, say, Vaseline, I kept it in a Mason jar.
I had narrowed my results down to exactly what I had wanted. Asian lesbians in bed fucking each other.
After slathering on a generous glob of the stuff, I went to town.
Or so I thought.
The lube had run its course, so I reached for more. I slathered it on and saw that something else that was DEFINITELY not lube on my cock.
It was alive, too.
It was crawling.
Yes. That's right. A millipede. My greatest enemy.
Let it be known that I hate millipedes and that they are one of the scariest creatures in the world. I don't know about you, but anything with hundreds of legs is just damn creepy.
Especially when it's crawling on your cock and you're masturbating.
Letting out an ear-raping shriek like Howard Dean on crack, I fell backwards over my chair as it crashed to the ground beneath me, throwing the jar away from me in the process.
I landed on my feet but realized I had unfortunately stumbled into my fan, which had been providing me with a nice little breeze, but which now, (having lost its front guard recently) fell front-first into my favorite T-shirt, which was sprawled out in front of it, shredding it to pieces.
I took a step forward.
Gasping at the carnage before me, I saw notebooks, CDs, and my clothes strewn on the floor, my chair knocked over. I felt a sharp pain and looked down, seeing a huge agonizing gash on my knee. However, this was the least of my problems.
I soon realized the trajectory of the Mason jar. Little did I know, it had struck the screen of my computer, crashed onto the desk, and spewed forth its contents in the process.
As well as my sunken notebooks, filled with drawings, my submerged and permanently damaged CDs and toppled chair, I also saw that the desk was flooded by homemade lube - with the millipede STILL ALIVE in it, wiggling around in its creamy puddle of demise, as well as a mass of lube running down my now blank screen, the liquid dripping slowly beneath my keyboard keys and engulfing my mouse. It was at this moment that my ultraconservative mother opened up the door to a naked then-14-year-old, lube dripping all over the screen, desk ruined, hand still wrapped around my cock.
Yeah.
I've had better days.
User Reviews
Submitted by BlueEagle (user info) at 2006-10-21 10:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How did a millipede get in there? Was he an ingredient in your lube?
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-09-13 19:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LAWL I REDD DIS POSTE BAIKD.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-09 18:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
STEAMING CUNTHOLES!!!1!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-09 13:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pen0r.
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2006-09-09 10:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
dull....
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-09 06:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Clobbersaurus (user info) at 2006-09-09 03:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Read your town charter, boy. `If food stuffs should touch the ground,
said food stuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot.' Since I
don't see him around, start shoveling!
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Rival
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-09-09 01:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH!!!! NOW WE ARE BUTT BUDDIES!!!!
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-09-08 21:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And then your mother blew you?
Rewrite this bullshit story and start there.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-08 21:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Very relevant review:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92684#2132368
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-08 20:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
W00TL00PZ!!!1!
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-08 19:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gross.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-08 19:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WOO!
Submitted by GlassBowl (user info) at 2006-09-08 18:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So, um....how exactly did you find your dick behind that millipede?