That's karma, motherfucker (1235 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.2 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maltese (View user info) at 2006-09-10 14:30:15 EDT
In a town of sixty thousand people, you're bound to have a few losers.
One such loser was Mike Lee, a 32-year-old man with a wife, two children, and a desk job. At first glance, you'd think Mike would've been happy with his life. He wasn't, though. There was something inside of him that didn't feel right. He wanted to be loved, truly loved, to be given attention.
Mike was the kind of guy who would pretend hold open a door already opened up with a doorstop, just so people would thank him and pay attention to him.
But on April 22, 1996, that would all change. Mike was in the backyard, lighting up the grill to make barbeque chicken for his children, Matthew and Jessica. Nobody was watching, so Mike got curious and burned a pile of grass he had pulled out of the ground. He liked what he saw. The power, the control, the slow burning.
In the middle of the night, when his wife and kids were asleep, he crept down to the garage and retrieved his lighter. He gathered various pieces of wood and scraps of paper and scooped them into a pile and set them on fire. The glow of the crackling flames reflected in his cold blue eyes.
As the weeks progressed, he began burning bigger and bigger things. Eventually, he was ready for the big one.
He purchased five gallons of gasoline and filled up his bright red container with it. He screwed on the cap carefully and put the container in the trunk of his car. He got into his car and drove off, a can of aerosol and a lighter located in his passenger seat.
He finally arrived at his destination after a 20-minute drive that seemed to last forever. An old, abandoned house, about to be demolished. As he doused the house with gasoline, he hesitated, but then decided that nobody would care anyway.
Mike picked up the aerosol and set the lighter in front of it. He flicked the lighter and saw the familiar orange flame shoot out of it. He pressed the button on the aerosol can, leaving behind no regrets as the house caught fire.
The house burned to the ground as Mike laughed and laughed. He knew it would burn fast, but not THAT fast.
His urges were satisfied for now, and so he drove back to his house.
He burned two more old, uninhabited houses before he moved to regular houses.
On August 19, 1996, he drove to the home of the Weatherby family. They were a upper-middle-class family of five: a mom, a dad, and three kids, the oldest one just six years old.
Mike arrived in the middle of the night to their homes, the Weatherby family inside, lost in a deep sleep.
Jeff and Alicia Weatherby were in their bed, fast asleep in a naked embrace after a night of passionate lovemaking, as Mike splashed the walls of their house with forty gallons of gasoline.
Six-year-old Connor Weatherby was dreaming of tomorrow, which would be his first day of first grade, as Mike fumbled with his car keys to get his aerosol can and lighter.
Four-year-old Andrew Weatherby was dreaming of lollipop villages, chocolate valleys, and ice cream mountains in his dreamland as Mike lit up the flame and placed the can in front of it.
And two-year-old Sam Weatherby was asleep in his crib, in the company of the family dog, Marty, as Mike engulfed the house in flames.
The house was reduced to almost nothing as Mike drove off, leaving behind two dead parents and three dead children.
The next day, Mike lit another house on fire, this time the Anderson household, containing a single mother and her 8-year-old son, who were eaten alive by the flames. As Mike heard them screaming, images of dead, burnt bodies filled his head. And he smiled.
Mike couldn't stop. By the time 1997 had rolled in, he had burned five houses, leaving behind twelve dead and four in critical condition.
On March 2, 1997, Mike prepared himself for his greatest feat yet: setting fire to a school. He chose a small school in order to save money on gasoline. It was a tiny ten-room wooden private schoolhouse, with about one hundred students and ten teachers. Including visitors and other staff, there were 124 people in the school that day. The fire department knew it was a fire hazard, but they let it slide.
Mike piled bits of wood, paper, and aerosol cans near each of the two exits, so that nobody could get out.
Then he sloshed a wall near the entrance with gasoline and set fire to it.
As the school went up in flames, a teacher managed to call the fire department. However, by the time they got there, it was too late.
88 people died in the hellish blaze, 80 of them children, 24 were disfigured for life, wasting away their 70+ remaining years immobile, full of scars and skin grafts, and 12 were lucky enough to receive only minor burns.
The incident became national news, and Mike got the rush of his life, even more so when he saw coverage of the incident on national television. This was Mike's high point. The way he felt at that moment was almost sexual, more powerful than the greatest orgasm.
But karma decided otherwise.
On March 5, 1997, three days after the school fire, Mike awoke in his house to find that his house was burning down, as he had done to five families. The gasoline in his garage had caught fire during the night and had set his home ablaze.
Mike felt a terrible wind blowing as the earth seemed to tremble, and his vision suddenly became dark, clouded by the smoke. He reached for the doorknob and with great difficulty climbed down the three steps that separated him from the downstairs. He felt excruciating pain as he felt his arms and legs burning, the feeling creeping throughout his entire body.
He collapsed on a table in his kitchen. At that moment, his 7-year-old son Matthew stumbled into the kitchen, crying and writhing with pain, his clothes on fire, acting as a death suit as his skin burned off. After a minute or so, Matthew wheezed out his final breath and fell dead on the hardwood floor. Horrified, Mike got up and ran into the TV room, where he found his wife laying on the couch, dead. She was hideously burned, purple and inflated, and bleeding uncontrollably. Crazed and almost overcome, Mike threw himself on the couch, clutching his dead wife, crying and awaiting death. As he looked up, he saw the ceiling burning as the flames had swallowed his entire body now. With what little strength he had left, his legs bleeding and covered in burns, he let out a cry.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please! Make it stop!"
But it was too late. He died seconds after, his burnt, almost unrecognizable corpse being pulled out of his destroyed house by firemen a day later, just as he had done to five families and eighty children.
User Reviews
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-09-13 19:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LUL MALTESER DATSKARMA HUH?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-12 23:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kinda, you get paid for sucking off monkeys, just admit it. :)
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-12 23:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
utterly implausible.
nice idea though.
Submitted by bokinsmowls (user info) at 2006-09-12 23:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BURN
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-09-11 11:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
KindaNews was 100% correct, regardless of your attack on his character.
There's a lot of holes in this story, and it does need a lot of work. (How did the gasoline in the garage suddenly "catch fire"? How did this guy get away with blocking all the exits such that no one could get out of a small school while it was in session without being noticed? Why didn't people in this tiny school just go out the windows? etc...)
But it wasn't awful, thus a 0. I'd even call it a +0.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-11 10:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was ok but it seemed to be told rather flatly. there were a couple of times where you started to show and then it went back to a straight news type delivery.
he did this
this happened
then this happened
then he did this
then he died
the end
i do like the idea though.
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2006-09-11 07:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was going to +1 because of
>Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2006-09-10 14:38:28 (#)
>Ranking: 2
>pretty good, easy read. All in all, I liked it.
but then I saw
>Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-10 17:58:05 (#)
>Ranking: -1
and while he makes some valid points, you don't deserve a -1 for this.
This evens it out.
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-09-11 06:43:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't read the post.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 18:20:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for you. Now go +2 my post or else I'll -2 you.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-09-11 04:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHA HHA AHHA maltesers you allways maketh me laugh
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-11 04:27:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job!! Keep working with this type of stuff, you could really do something with it.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-11 02:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would write more for this site if I actually got serious reviews like the ones on this post. I've gotten them...not often. I used to want to be a writer. This site changed that.
+0 for the story, for the smugness Stagger mentioned. I dont think it was intentional, though, so I'm not giving you a negative rating.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-11 01:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, the whole thing could use a ton of work, but I like the basic idea.
Plus, as I said way down there, the chances of a child running around burning are virtually nil when the fire starts at night when he's sleeping. The kid would die of smoke inhalation and probably not even wake up.
It's the smoke that gets you.
Perhaps the arsonist should've died of lung cancer.
Poetic justice.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-11 01:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The other implication here is that Mike's family deserved it for what he did, and that doesn't wash at all.
"Deserve's got nothing to do with it."
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-11 01:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ha, yes, Kinda. But because the gas in his garage caught fire? Bit of a stretch.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-11 01:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, quite a few arsonists have died in fires, for obvious reasons. The idea could have been developed into a better story, though.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-11 00:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wrote a story like this once. Mine was better.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-11 00:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
For a start, this sort of perfect vengeance would never occur in anything but a perfect world. And what sort of perfect world would allow the original murders to take place?
The style in which this was written was not engaging. It was very dry and distant, and you rubbed the ending into our faces in a manner that is almost insulting. "He died the same way he killed them!" or whatever the exact line was. I mean, people who have read the preceding story KNOW that he burnt other people to death, so when he burns to death himself you don't need to remind us.
It was all just a little too neat and smug.
You clearly put some effort into it though. +1 for that.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-11 00:25:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't think I've ever told anyone I was a brilliant writer. But I can recognize the strengths and weaknesses of a particular piece if I need to, which is better than saying "That sucked" or "That rocked" which is not particularly helpful to a writer who is looking for valid criticism.
Sometimes I'm an asshole on this site, and sometimes I give writers advice. Sometimes both.
The recipient can take it or not, but if I offer it seriously, it's well considered.
What one does with it, I couldn't care less.
As for the website, that's a sample site I use in my work.
I get paid for writing stuff like that. And the people that hire me often do because of that site, actually. Works for me. And anyone who thinks I'm Sphagnum is obviously not an independent thinker. They just think that because someone else on this site said it. I think that guy is Australian, anyway. From the website you found, it's pretty obvious I'm an American. But think what you like. It's of no consequence to me.
Speaking of that site, since you brought it up,
Satire is difficult to write well, and one of the highest forms of humor, because it requires an in depth understanding of the subject on the part of both the reader and the writer.
Not that I don't enjoy low forms of humor also, it's just harder sometimes to make people laugh when they have to think at the same time.
I'm sure you all realize a well placed "motherfucker" or "shitdick" helps get a laugh. Tell the same joke without it and see how much harder it is.
I gave Axolotl advice on his dialogue. If he actually took it, he would grow as a writer. I've learned more about writing from the negative criticism than the positive. If you ask me what gives me the right to advise him, the answer is nothing. But a primary feature of this website is the review button. So I used it, as you have done also.
The advice I gave Maltese on this post would help him also, should he choose to consider it. But I don't care if either one takes my advice. Up to them.
And the onion is good shit. A lot of people have confused me with the onion, and not just on this site. That's a compliment.
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-09-11 00:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i reaad a little of it just now.. you suck at writing...
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-11 00:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SHITANALSEMEN
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 23:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fukk a dikk.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-10 22:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-10 22:10:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what to make of this. Or KindaNews. He professeses to be a brilliant writer, yet turns out: http://www.kindanews.com
================
... sounds like someone really, really, really wants to be like:
www.theonion.com
Get a life, Sfaggy.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-10 22:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what to make of this. Or KindaNews. He professeses to be a brilliant writer, yet turns out: http://www.kindanews.com
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-10 21:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I appreciate your indulgence.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 21:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh. You're alright, KindaNews. If you took the time to write all that, you must not suck as much as I thought. I'll take some of this constructively. However, one false step and I will prolapse your anus.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-10 21:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why I keep my flamable materials AWAY from my house. They're kept in the shed in the backyard.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 20:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MY ANUS HAS JUST EATEN A CHILD
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!1!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 19:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-09-10 19:40:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
i know i know...
next thing you know I'll actually like you and shit...
what then? ghey buttsecks? I've never done this before.
and I'm not queer but you got a purdy ass...
----
*gets banjo*
*strums "Deliverance"*
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-09-10 19:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 19:21:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude... Unabonger +2'd me? This was not supposed to happen!
*universe rips apart*
*fabric of space and time is shredded*
*superdeath*
___________
i know i know...
next thing you know I'll actually like you and shit...
what then? ghey buttsecks? I've never done this before.
and I'm not queer but you got a purdy ass...
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 19:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude... Unabonger +2'd me? This was not supposed to happen!
*universe rips apart*
*fabric of space and time is shredded*
*superdeath*
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-09-10 18:35:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate giving you + ratings. it fucks up my whole universe.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 18:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-10 18:23:05 (#)
Ranking: -1
I'll dig her up for you.
----
Even better - dead pussah!!!1!
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2006-09-10 18:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Karma is definately a bitch
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-10 18:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'll dig her up for you.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 18:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In response to KindaNews:
You: Average rating of all messages: -0.80
Me: Average rating of all messages: 0.24
I'll fuck your mom, neh.
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-09-10 18:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto maltese +2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-09-10 18:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh.
Are we are being constructive?
hmmm... ok, I thought the 'karma' was a little obvious. I was kinda hoping for a more absurd and unexpected demise.
But it WAS well written and who doesn't like a good fire?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-09-10 18:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BURNINATING THE PEASANTS!
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-10 17:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
First of all, a couple with three children under six years old is unlikely to have a night of passionate sex the night before the oldest child starts school. This seemed like filler. You needed more personal detail to make me care about the family, yes, but you could have given it more thought. Just stating three children died is gratuitous without proper development. That fact alone does not resonate. You could have given a description of a hard day for two overwhelmed young parents, for example.
Second, most fire deaths are from smoke inhalation, especially in a home fire which starts when everyone is asleep. It would be rare for a person to actually run around while burning, especially a child. This is something that can happen, of course, but if you write of an extraordinary scenario, the least you could do is create a plausible reason for the unusual occurrence.
Third, the story of an arsonist dying in a fire, while not especially original, could be very interesting if you had developed it more.
It was too short and carelessly executed.
You should take this constructively, but I don't really care if you do. I just thought I would give you a semi detailed analysis because I like the basic idea.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-09-10 17:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Job, Maltese. Your posts are getting better than they used to be.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 17:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for me accidentally +2ing myself... FUCKING FREUDIAN SLIPS
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-09-10 17:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Generic.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 17:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHADDAP YOU FACE
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 17:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, Matt... you are one of my idols, it's great to get a +2 from someone I respect.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-09-10 17:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was pretty good.
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-09-10 17:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder how his house got it in the end, y'know? It makes for a whole side-story observer piece.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-09-10 16:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good, but needs a few revisions.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 16:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sauce.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-10 16:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not often that a story can disgust me. Not to say it wasn't good.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-10 15:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
D00d, w33t!
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-09-10 15:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we don't need no water...
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-09-10 15:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like the idea... Wasn't perfect though.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-09-10 15:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
burn muther fucker. burn.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-10 14:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok I'll give this a +2.
Effort + subject matter + pic - a little overtelling in some areas = 1.75.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-09-10 14:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Death Suit?
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-09-10 14:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i didnt even read it..
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2006-09-10 14:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty good, easy read. All in all, I liked it.