Smoke Break (1485 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.88 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pentameter (View user info) at 2006-09-11 18:12:27 EDT
She lit up.
"So," she said, "are you going to give me a speech or something?"
The situation was beyond ridiculous. Every single day, she came over and sat down at my table. Well, it wasn't my table, but I sat there every day, which meant it was mine. And she knew it. If I tried to walk away, she followed me. If I ignored her, she pressed me until I couldn't take it anymore. What a fucking bitch.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"I just want to talk," she answered.
"No one just wants to talk," I said as I lifted my eyes up from my book. She had on a green knit scarf, fingerless gloves and a faded AC/DC t-shirt.
"You're an asshole," she said between curls of smoke.
"And why the fuck am I an asshole? How could I be an asshole when I'm sitting here minding my own business? You're the one who interrupts my work on a daily basis, fucking smoking and stinking up my space and bothering me while I'm trying to concentrate!" I shouted.
Her green eyes began to fill with tears. She sucked on her bottom lip while she played with some dead leaves that had blown onto the table, then put the cigarette to her mouth for a moment before I heard a deep inhale.
I watched the smoke twist in the afternoon breeze.
"Oh, by the way, who are you trying to be today? Some little punk rock kid?" I asked.
"I don't even know why I fucking bother coming over here," she said.
"Yeah, me neither," I said as I rolled my eyes.
She stood from the table, dropped her cigarette butt on the ground and crushed it with her boot. She sunk her hands into her pockets and stated in a very matter of fact way, "I thought you were a smart guy."
"I am," I said.
"No, you're a fucking idiot. I have watched you sit here everyday by yourself, everyday I've come over here trying to make some kind of conversation with you and everyday you've treated me like shit."
Really, she was a beautiful girl. She was tall, but not too tall and thin, but not scrawny looking. The breeze blew her blond hair away from her face, revealing angelic eyes that were perfectly set off by the sunlight beaming down from behind her.
"What are you staring at?" she asked.
"Nothing," I said as I cleared my throat.
"I'm sick of you. Don't expect me to ever come over here again," she said.
Her eyes pierced my soul.
"Good, maybe I'll be able to get some work done," I said.
She tilted her head to the side a little bit and a wide smile spread across her face. As she turned around, I wanted to stop her from leaving, scream out and tell her that from the second she came over, all I ever wanted was to have the courage to tell her the way I felt. She continued to walk, her scarf blowing behind her in the wind, her blond hair blown out like a mane.
The distance between us grew, grew until she was a point on the horizon and I was a moon orbiting her.
On the ground, her cigarette butts from days that had just passed littered the ground. I crouched down, picked one up and put it in my pocket.
Instantly, I missed her. She'd be back tomorrow though. Both of us liked to play games.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-07-31 09:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish you posted more.
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-09-18 14:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I thought I was the only one that had a fetish for being mean to people and having them be mean back to me. While at least you don't listen to her pee...or do you?
Submitted by 0bnoxious (user info) at 2006-09-15 08:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-09-13 19:45:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:54:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I'm the only one who assumed it was from a female point of view..?
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It says "I tought you were a smart guy"
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-09-13 19:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:54:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I'm the only one who assumed it was from a female point of view..?
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:07:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-12 08:23:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-11 21:21:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:34:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm trying to gear up for UM since I'm not a fiction writer...so thanks for the suggestions. I like ghola's the best.
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I don't think UM is strictly a fiction contest, is it?
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It isn't strictly a fiction contest, but what kind of non-fiction can I write with a title like "Green River?"
I'd rather work on my fiction skills a little bit so that I'm as prepared as I can be.
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I got you. But you seem to have the writerly skills to make a title work for you and connect it to a real life event if you had to. Your stories are good because of the story telling, not necessarily because of the recounted events, in my opinion.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-09-12 15:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be at 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-12 15:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it, Pent... This was great!
And I like the creepy line, but I'm a creepy guy.
**sulks off jealously**
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-09-12 15:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cockadoodledoo!
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2006-09-12 14:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-12 08:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-12 08:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-11 21:21:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:34:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm trying to gear up for UM since I'm not a fiction writer...so thanks for the suggestions. I like ghola's the best.
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I don't think UM is strictly a fiction contest, is it?
But how about:
He saw that she saw through him at the sea shore.
-------------------
It isn't strictly a fiction contest, but what kind of non-fiction can I write with a title like "Green River?"
I'd rather work on my fiction skills a little bit so that I'm as prepared as I can be.
Submitted by 2004Dreaming (user info) at 2006-09-12 01:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is interesting.
it clearly is written as a girl writing as a guy.... the ending wasnt so much of a twist as an annoyance
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-09-12 01:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
don't worry.
i'll be back, bitch.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-12 01:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-09-11 22:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So--did you kill her?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-11 22:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:07:05 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:03:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
Not necessarily looking for constructive criticism, but if everyone has a beef with the line, the least you can do is give me some suggestions.
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simply omit it.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-09-11 21:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Smok'em if you got'em
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-09-11 21:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-11 21:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:34:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm trying to gear up for UM since I'm not a fiction writer...so thanks for the suggestions. I like ghola's the best.
-----
I don't think UM is strictly a fiction contest, is it?
But how about:
He saw that she saw through him at the sea shore.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-11 21:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Smoking is bad for you.
*spits chew*
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-11 20:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually really liked this
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-09-11 20:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That made no sense...
But +2 anyway in retaliation of the lonely and bitter individuals of ubersite that randomly -2 posts for no reason. The very same that occasionally express further embitterment with uncalled for vituperations and vulgarities.
I had thought Pentameter was a girl... An attractive one guessing from some of the comments I'd come across.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-11 20:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you for this.
~OathMeal Approved Post~
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-11 20:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. Also made me want a cigarette. Damn quitting has robbed me of all sorts of excuses for little social interactions like this one.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-11 20:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-11 20:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, you're pretty fucking awesome.
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nearly perfect I'd say.
Thanks.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm trying to gear up for UM since I'm not a fiction writer...so thanks for the suggestions. I like ghola's the best.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spam - that's why I said there really isn't any new way of saying what she wants
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:07:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Her eyes looked past my face, reading my deepest secrets"
Or maybe "I could feel her reading the contents of my soul"
although those are also rather trite. I dont' know that there is a completely new way to say what you want there.
"I felt exposed under the scrutiny of her bright gaze, my mask hid nothing from her"
--
Jesus Christ, they're even fucking worse.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Her eyes pierced my soul
=======
Here eyes saw my inner being?
I could tell she was seeing the real me?
She saw things in me I didn't want her to see?
pretty lame, but probably better. No? OK.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually - to fit the tone of the piece
"She knew me. It was as simple as that, she fucking KNEW what was inside me"
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see what you want to say, but just let the reader infer and think what they will. I'd really like it better without it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Her eyes looked past my face, reading my deepest secrets"
Or maybe "I could feel her reading the contents of my soul"
although those are also rather trite. I dont' know that there is a completely new way to say what you want there.
"I felt exposed under the scrutiny of her bright gaze, my mask hid nothing from her"
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:03:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
Not necessarily looking for constructive criticism, but if everyone has a beef with the line, the least you can do is give me some suggestions.
-------
simply omit it.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:03:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
Not necessarily looking for constructive criticism, but if everyone has a beef with the line, the least you can do is give me some suggestions.
---
yeah, and while we're a it, we'll write your next two posts for you as well shall we?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LIKE
FAG
BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!
That last bit was creepy.
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yo dawg, it was just okay for me, ya know?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soul=Pierced
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-11 19:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not necessarily looking for constructive criticism, but if everyone has a beef with the line, the least you can do is give me some suggestions.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?! You were looking for your criticism to be constructive? HERE?!
"Hi Pentameter, my name's Uber, have we met?"
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I'm the only one who assumed it was from a female point of view..?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good despite the aforementioned trite.
Sometimes its really really hard to avoid a specific line.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, how could I say that she saw through him without saying she saw through him?
That's why I used the pierced soul line.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto vagina +2.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done, in spite of the pierced soul.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm thinking Avril Laveigne here
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
smoking is bad for you, dude
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read but that picture was awesome.
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
awwww....isn't that just sweet....making me sick...
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you get +2 for making me have an Embassy after reading this.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Her eyes pierced my soul
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horrible, horrible line.
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-09-11 18:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS IS A SERIOUS WRITERS FORUM B'GOSH!!