Getting The Evil Eye From An Opossum (258 hits)
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Submitted by <zfx84.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-09-12 10:56:14 EDT
I had the joy of not being a part of this story, but as I was told this tale by a friend, I felt that it was too ridiculous to pass up. Therefore, I will re-tell it to the best that I can remember.
As of last Wednesday, my friend David is now 21 years old and can no longer be my designated driver on those nights when I feel I must get "ripped", nights which usually led later to me accidentally getting severely bit by someone's ill mannered Dalmatian. After nights like those, David would usually be the one to drive me to the hospital, but no more.
While we were out celebrating his first legal trip into a bar that Wednesday night, he told me this story of his night before and the spontaneous actions of a certain person, that can only manifest itself in the form of our other friend Kyle.
Apparently Kyle, who was at Bradley University in Peoria, called David on his cell phone later Tuesday night/early early Wednesday morning, to ask him what he was doing. David was getting ready to go to sleep and Kyle was obviously appalled at the fact that David was not out drinking at the exact minute that he turned 21.
David reasonably explained that he had to work the next day and was planning to go out Wednesday night anyway. Kyle, who for some reason, wanted to know if he should come back home just for the Wednesday night festivities. David told him it was up to him and that he'd see him at the planned party on Saturday anyway. But Kyle was adamant and told David that he was gonna come in right now, in the middle of the night.
Any reasonable person would not drive a few hours in the middle of the night just to have a few drinks and then drive all the way back. But this is Kyle, and even after David told him not to come in that night, Kyle still got two of his frat buddies and some girl he kidnapped a few hours previous, to come along for the trip.
David fell asleep and turned his phone on vibrate, because Kyle kept calling like a telemarketer not being blocked by a governmental do-not-call list. Then he wakes up to his father nudging him, who then tells him once he is awake, "I think Kyle is in our driveway." And he was; he was sitting in the driveway to David's house for God knows how long, trying to get David's attention without waking up anybody else. These efforts consisted of throwing pebbles at his bedroom window, which I classify as being emo, and holding up his cell phone to Howie's window, hoping that he'd hear the ringtone.
So David goes outside at what might be around 4:00am and during his trek down the driveway towards Kyle's car, he stops in his tracks as he spots an opossum sitting on his neighbor's fence, staring right at him. David stares back in fright as the opossum hisses at him and gives him the evil eye. Slowly but surely, David starts to back away from it and continue toward the car. In an effort to scare it off, Kyle throws a bottle at it and misses. The opossum scurries off and disappears into the darkness.
Thinking that the threat is over, everyone relaxes. But just as David is about to question why the hell Kyle drove all the way there, the opossum suddenly jumped up at him from out of nowhere and went for the face. It tackled David to the ground and he managed to wrestle it off him. He then picked it up and punted the opossum like a football, clear across the yard.
Back to the matter at hand, David explains to Kyle that he pretty much drove all the way up there for nothing, since all the bars are closed by now. Kyle suggests they go back to his house and drink in the basement. Now, I don't know about everyone else, but when I drink in the basement, it's usually depressing and alone while watching late night infomericals and contemplating thoughts of suicide. But that's just me.
Anyway, they go over to Kyle's house and upon trying to enter, he realizes that the screen door is locked from the inside. Not wanting to make his mother think he was a burglar, he calls on his cell phone inside and wakes her up.
Surprised and irritated that he's even home, she groggily gets up and let's him inside; upon which the first thing Kyle does is hug his mother and apologize. I personally wouldn't have let him inside. If my kid did that, fine...but go drink out in the garage and don't wake me up. Or go drink in the alley with the homeless people, I don't care.
They all drank together in the basement for about two hours until the kidnapped girl complained that the rope around her hands was tied too tight and that she had to be back in Peoria for an 8:30am class. So they decided to head back. However, unbeknownst to all, while they were inside drinking, the opossum that David had punted was still alive and somehow found it's way over to Kyle's house and snuck itself into the back of his unlocked Ford Explorer.
They exited the house and Kyle dropped David back off at his house, who I assume got little or no sleep afterwards. The rest of them headed back on the few hours drive to school and knew nothing of the stowaway in the back.
It wasn't until around the Bloomington/Normal area that the opossum reared it's ugly face. The kidnapped girl first noticed it when she was startled by the hissing. Once she let out a muffled scream through the gag in her mouth, the opossum became startled and went nuts, jumping at the closest person to it in the car. It started clawing at everyone and tearing through skin with it's sharp teeth. In a panic, the car was swerving left and right as Kyle refused to pull over. Despite the vicious attacks, none of them in the vehicle died.
A police officer, thinking that Kyle was drunk from all the swerving (which he might as well have been), turned on the siren and finally got him to pull over. The officer walked up to the driver's side and tapped on the window, for him to roll it down. The electric window slid down slowly and to the officer's surprise, there was no one sitting behind the wheel, but instead an angry and foaming at the mouth opossum. The opossum launched itself at the officer and attached itself to his face with it's claws.
Inside the car, Kyle crawls back up front, rolls up the window and floors it. They take off and leave the officer on the side of the road to be mauled by the bloodthirsty opossum. They made it the rest of the way back to Peoria safely.
I never knew that opossums could be so vicious, but I'll tell you what...that opossum doesn't stand a chance against an angry moose...trust me. I know.
User Reviews
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-09-12 23:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
why is the "o" silent in opossum, fucking hell. I mean i'm glad it's silent, but still. If it's silent, why's it there?
O-possum
1 : any of a family (Didelphidae) of American marsupials that usually have a pointed snout and prehensile tail ; especially : a common omnivorous largely nocturnal mammal (Didelphis virginiana) of North America that has grayish to blackish fur with white on the cheeks and is an expert climber
"O possum, where art thou?"
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I had to kill a possum family that was living in my backyard last year - i didnt like that.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you sure none of you got rabies from that thing?
And, if there was nobody in the driver's seat, how did the electric window roll down??
Don't tell me the oppossum did it...
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-09-12 15:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what sound does an opossum make?
Submitted by zfx84 (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dude, I feel your pain. I had a possum con me into going camping with him once and he had all his jungle buddies waiting for me by the campfire when i got there. They served me liquor and told me the fire was for a roast. Eventually I caught on to their scheem and sobered up. I somehow managed to make it back to my bed safely by sunrise. No animal is gonna roast me, especially a possum.
I never heard from him again.
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That almost exact same scenario happened to me before too, expect it was with an angry moose...which explains how I would know that an opossum is no match for a moose.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more stinkeye.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, I feel your pain. I had a possum con me into going camping with him once and he had all his jungle buddies waiting for me by the campfire when i got there. They served me liquor and told me the fire was for a roast. Eventually I caught on to their scheem and sobered up. I somehow managed to make it back to my bed safely by sunrise. No animal is gonna roast me, especially a possum.
I never heard from him again.
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Total waste of my time.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the opossum that David had punted was still alive and somehow found it's way over to Kyle's house and snuck itself into the back of his unlocked Ford Explorer.
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That possum is a genius