My Date From Hell (1202 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.77 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyTeeOne <My_Tee_One.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-09-12 11:45:44 EDT
First off, SHE asked ME out. She was feeling a little home sick for her country home down south in Kentucky. Knowing that I come from a long line of rednecks, she asked me if I wanted to go to Carols Country Pub to go two stepping (dancing for you non-hicks). Normally, I loathe country music with a passion that rocks the heavens but she is REALLY cute. Oh, and I dig this girl.
I should also mention that Jess is an intern here at work. I know, I know...bad idea. Whatever, I don't really care. However, that fact that we work together makes everything I'm about to tell you just a little more...um, special. Not in a "magical" way, more in a "I wear a helmet and ride the short bus" sort of way.
So, on the night of the big date, she calls me around 7:30. We were supposed to meet for dinner around 9:00, but she asks if we can skip out on that. She had a really bad day at work (we'll get to that) and wanted to have dinner with her roommate and chill a bit first to make sure she was in a good mood. Cool says I, and we make plans to meet a little later in the evening. A little later became midnight.
Now begins, MY DATE FROM HELL.
I walk into the bar and see Jess standing with a few other people, which I find a bit odd since this is a date, but I role with it. Jess comes up and gives me a HUGE hug and kiss, which is a bit out of character, and then begins to introduce me to these people as the sweetest, most caring guy she knows. Why does Jess do this? Because Jess is already PLOWED. I mean slurring her speech drunk. Her night should have ended by this point, but oh no, it's just beginning.
And so me, Jess, her roommate Jen and her roommates' boyfriend Mike head over to the country bar. I don't even get to grab a beer before Jess pulls me out on to the dance floor. I am white; without beer, I can't keep beat. This doesn't phase my intoxicated date though and she begins to use me as a stripper pole. Guys behind me are giving me the thumbs up as they watch my date do her best to give me masturbation fodder for the next several years. That was the first time I realized that Monday morning may be a bit awkward.
The next song comes on and we begin to dance again. I spin her out, she spins back in, and as she does, her boob pops right out of her shirt. I point this out to her a couple of times but she can't hear me. So, being the gentleman that I am, I casually grab my coworkers boob and put it back into her shirt. Yup, Monday is going to go well.
A slow song comes on and I use that as my cue to grab a beer. After having my date, Drunky McSloshed, do her best to blow my load I NEED a beer. Jess, still wants to dance, however, and so we are now slow dancing. Her head is on my shoulder and her hand is on the back of my neck. Ladies, here is a tip for you...if you like the guy, put your hand on the back of his neck while slow dancing. There is nothing more intimidating than that.
After a few minutes, I asked Jess about the trip. She puts her forehead against mine and begins to pour her heart out...work won't be hiring hire when her intern ship is done, followed by some family drama, followed by some ex-boyfriend and then it happens. Jess breaks down balling. I mean uncontrollable sobbing. The same guys her were earlier giving me the thumbs up are now mouthing "I'm sorry."
Her roommate finally comes up and saves me. She has in her hand two shots and two beers. She speaks to Jess briefly to cheer her up again and I work on the drinks. I do both shots, chug Jess' beer, and then start working on my beer. Jen succeeds in cheering Jess up and they begin to dance. Jess hands me her purse.
Picture, if you will, a large bald man standing in the middle of a country bar, loathing the people around him, still mildly sober, and now holding a rather expense purse. This is my own personal version of hell. But oh wait, it gets better.
Jess and I start dancing again (I put her boob away two more times) and are actually having a little bit of fun. I decide I need to use the rest room and we walk over there together. I put her in line and go to the men's room. Being a guy, I have the advantage of going in and out. No such luck for Jess. As a matter of fact, when I come out Jess is passed out on the floor.
So, I get Jess up and tell her it's time to go. She still needs to use the bathroom, so I usher her in and go find Jen. Jen goes to close her tab and I proceed back to the bathroom to get Jess. The waitress comes up to me and says my girlfriend needs some help. I look around and do not see Jen anywhere, so I do the only thing I can. I go into the woman's bathroom.
Jess is passed out on the toilet. Her pants are around her ankles, her make up has been running from the crying, and she now has puke drying on the side of her mouth. I grab some tissue and clean her face up as I try to stand her up. I then pull up her pants, which again, isn't at all going to be weird come Monday morning.
I get Jess outside and Mike gets a cab. Jess thanks me for tonight. She says it may not have seemed like it, but she had a wonderful time, and thanked me for being so sweet and wonderful, such a caring friend. Upon hearing the word "friend" I actually thought about pushing her out into traffic. However, that wouldn't be cool of me, so I said I had fun too.
Jess then kisses me.
With the puke mouth.
Yummy.
Fast forward to the next day when I call her late in the day to make sure she is still alive and didn't need to go get her stomach pumped. She thanks me again for being such a good friend (the word grinds on my nerves) and taking such good care of her. She tells me the worst part of the night was that she drunk dialed the Kentucky guy when she got home because she still really likes him.
I put her boob back in place. I held her while she cried. I held her purse. I will have to take cold showers for months to get rid of the wood caused by the pole dancing. I carried her drunken ass out of the bathroom.
She really likes HIM.
She then says she doesn't remember much of the previous evening and asks if she owes me and apology for anything.
"You don't remember much of the previous evening? Well, Jess, let me take you through my night." I proceed to tell her everything in much greater detail then I did here. When she didn't believe the bathroom part I even offered her proof (purple thong, shaved). She was only slightly embarrassed and thanked me again for being such a great FRIEND.
Such a good friend. Lovely.
She also can't wait to do it again. Lovely.
I have two options here. First, I can use "logic" and cut this off now. This won't be going anywhere, and even if it does, it won't work. On the other hand, this is a bad example of what has actually occurred between us. I could ride it out and see what develops. I'm not sure what the right choice is.
I guess I have a third option as well. She offered to baby sit me the next time I need a hard night of drinking. Please await my next post titled "How I ended my date with a girl who is juts my freaking friend by puking down her back."
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-10-11 09:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:39:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
That's brilliant O-tron. Another reason why you're my hero.
And sort of Corn Nugget. It doesn't happen a lot, per se, but that does tend to be the part I post about. I actually decided to give this stuff a rest but when I saw her in the bathroom I knew that it was going to become a post.
***
Waaait a minute.
You saw her in the bathroom?
And I have no idea why I came back to this post, so don't bother wondering. Well, I do know why I did it.
It was like this...
Joedaddy forefitted his ubermadness thing and suggested I take his spot. I was surprised by this, and I thought, "Who is joedaddy?". I felt like I should know who he is, but my memory is terrible lately, so I went through his old posts and looked at them, and I still couldn't figure it out.
Then I went here http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/moreinfo.cgi to see if I had rated him high a lot, which might cause him to remember me more than I remember him.
Then I saw your name on there and that made me remember that tribute post that Shandy did for me, and then I rememberd your comment on there, and then I remembered that you posted this a bit ago, and well, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
A rare glimpse of the inner workings of my mind.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-13 11:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gilry asked if I believed all of this happened
==================================================
Every word is true (changed the names of course) and I even left a few of the more boring details out.
Did you get me e-mail about the poker game? You should come.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-09-13 10:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have jerked off on her face when you were in the bathroom stall. Now THAT might have made Monday morning interesting.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-13 10:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sad state of affairs my friendly friend. We read this last night. Sorry we couldn't help that night. Gilry asked if I believed all of this happened and I said, from what I know of MyTee, it's entirely possible and she said poor bastard. just kidding. she did not really say that.
get rid of that cause that will be far more trouble than it's worth. take a shit in her desk drawer first though. eat corn the night before for a more festive look.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-13 03:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-12 19:35:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
So she's an easy lay when she's drunk? I fail to see a problem there. Say that you want to just be friends as well and plow her in the backfield after a few shots of Bushmill's. Continue in this manner until you find someone else that is willing to hide your meat dangle in their flesh lettuce. Problem solved.
And you guys wonder why you need the answer guy.
=======
jeebus. Listen to this guy. He's got all the answers!
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-13 02:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha...i kept reading jess as jesus..made it even funnier
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-09-13 02:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-09-13 01:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-09-12 23:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Next time she's passed out, give her a Mentos enema/diet coke chaser.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-12 19:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So she's an easy lay when she's drunk? I fail to see a problem there. Say that you want to just be friends as well and plow her in the backfield after a few shots of Bushmill's. Continue in this manner until you find someone else that is willing to hide your meat dangle in their flesh lettuce. Problem solved.
And you guys wonder why you need the answer guy.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Show her a picture of loki and tell her THAT'S YOUR dream girl.
Also, have her fired and never speak with her again because you have no shot.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH man...
I agree with Johnny...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hit it and quit it
Submitted by cocaine (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is somewhat good and a bit more greuling: http://www.ubersite.com/m/64999
whoever wrote it is a fucking genius.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-09-12 15:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Put her boob back in place.
Then run far away.. preferably to a woman who can hold her liquor.
Cheep.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-12 15:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
PEE IN HER BUTT!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-12 15:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
better yet, show her the responses to this post
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-12 15:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So, Murph, you're also saying I should pee in her butt?
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-09-12 15:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jen should've done all the babysitting that you did. This girl doesn't know you well enough, I'm assuming, to appreciate how far out of your way you went. So now she just thinks you're a wuss for catering to her every need (hence calling you "friend").
I always prefer to be considered a bad "friend" to girls. Unless, of course, they are married to one of my friends/family.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-12 14:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could always just pee in her butt.
That'd work too.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-09-12 14:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck her friend.
...then puke down her back.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-12 13:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-12 13:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-12 13:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THERE WAS NO LINE DANCING. Two stepping is... well, think swing dancing with an easier beat.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-12 13:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and in the future heed the warning signs
bad day
meet up late
country bar
line dancing
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-12 13:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-12 13:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you should take her out again. Show up with flowers, lavish her with attention, whatever it takes to totally sweep her off her feet, then when you're sure that she has completely fallen for you, tell her that you're getting back together with your ex and thank her for being a good friend.
then yea throw up on her
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-09-12 13:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:04:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
I couldn't finish this.
YOU should have taken charge
when she changed the dinner date.
Right then.
ya big dummy.
----
You should have never agreed to the line dancing country bar shit either.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-09-12 13:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Imagine what your grandkids will say when they read this post about how their grandparents started their wonderful life together!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-12 13:02:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Then you can suggest she hates black people
---------------------------------------------------------
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Actually, Apollo an Nya...I was worried for a moment someone was going to come into the bathroon and claim I had slipped her a roofie or something. I wasn't about to call me friends for bail money when I was the dumbass out with a light weight at a country bar.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:45:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:40:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would've raped her in the bathroom
it's not rape if they're unconscious -
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only he vomited vomit AND blood.
Save that for a girl you really dig that breaks your heart.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chalk 'fuck' on this. She is clearly broken.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:57:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
So...wanna be my friend?
===============================================================================
But of course. I mean, I got to touch her boobs at least and I figure you've got to be much more fun to party with. ;)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's more, if she complains you can say that you drew your inspiration from a slave in Ayi Kwei Armah's book "Two Thousand Seasons." Then you can suggest she hates black people.
Blammo...instant guilt trip.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would've raped her in the bathroom
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's brilliant O-tron. Another reason why you're my hero.
And sort of Corn Nugget. It doesn't happen a lot, per se, but that does tend to be the part I post about. I actually decided to give this stuff a rest but when I saw her in the bathroom I knew that it was going to become a post.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That suckssss
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take her out again.
Have a fabulous time. Nice meal, a walk in the park. Something classy to close off the night.
Then, on her doorstep, lean in for a kiss. Make it long, slow and deep.
Then vomit in her mouth. You will need to find a way to make yourself gag.
Wipe the trail of bile off your lips as you brush the hair out of her eyes, and say "I had a great night. It's over."
Then take her picture and make a post about it.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should have taken pictures
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I couldn't finish this.
YOU should have taken charge
when she changed the dinner date.
Right then.
ya big dummy.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The truth is, I already have cut it off. It was the purse that actually threw me over the edge.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This kind of stuff happens to you a lot, huh? Didn't you write that stuff about the drunken co-worker and walking that girl home and kissing? Or something? You remind me of Mynameistim for some reason.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2006-09-12 12:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was phenomenal.
Cut it off ASAP.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh, no. How about you don't be a moron and dip the fuck out of that. She doesn't like you, chances are she never will like you, and that's just the way it is. Good story, though.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahhaaaaa
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So...wanna be my friend?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, ouch.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If I end this now how will I get the chance to puke down her back Jeannee?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhhh... The beginning of a true romance, so refreshing. I feel for ya. Although I would never hold a purse, never.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moral of the story: Don't shit where you sleep.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-12 11:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember how you called me for advice while all this was happening?
Yeah well here's my advice: End this now. She's a bad drunk, and besides, with your luck, you'll probably end up getting her pregnant or something.
Love ya!