Frozen Shit Dildo (2603 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by charminglybeef (View user info) at 2006-09-12 16:43:31 EDT
There are things that parents say, friends. Rhetorical questions, emphatic statements -- you know. For many, their popularity grows and wanes; teeters and totters on the brinks of genius and truth and longevity. There is one that seems to be thrown about a lot these days, and from what I can tell, days before these -- tossed into dirty streets and out car windows and onto turkey dinners -- a colloquialism we've all heard, and maybe even given a little thought to. It's what people say when gay people get married or cancer is made fun of:
"Is nothing sacred?"
And the answer friends, is no -- nothing is sacred.
---
It was the lingerie -- the lingerie did it. Oh, definitely the lingerie. Had he not bought it, way down there in San Francisco, he would probably be alright. But he had, and she tried it on and looked all pink and frilly and delicious, like a fag-couple wedding cake.
And so, there it was: jealousy -- pumping through him like an injection of hot motor-oil; impossible to ignore.
His mind, such a blood-powered two-stroke, tore obnoxiously into the past, and stopped to idle on the memory of their first meeting: Lougheed Highway -- shit! -- rush-hour. She was so gorgeous -- it was as if he could smell her even through the windows and car-exhaust: peaches and cream, pan-fried in butter and brown sugar. From his car she was an economy of flesh and form: eyes obscured by dark lenses; ears and cheeks cloaked by profoundly-black hair. But what was truly on display -- bold and flamboyant -- told a story of Tolstoy-endurance: the lips, swollen and tender; the begging neck; the fingers, wrapped delicately around The World's Luckiest Steering Wheel.
He couldn't. Stop. Staring. Until. He smashed into the car in front of him.
"Oh my god, are you alright?"
His nose -- a throbbing spider web of base stimulus: pain. "Yeah, I'm fine."
The airbag sagged morosely -- depressed no doubt, that on its big debut someone had the nerve to throw a tomato. The couple chatted on, unaware: "I can't believe that lady did that," exclaimed the girl.
"Uhh, did what?"
"Reversed her car on the highway!" She smiled. "You're going to need a witness -- here, take my card."
He smiled too, puzzled. "But she didn't."
"Of course she did, silly! I saw her with my own two eyes," and she lowered her glasses -- portholes below sea level, pressed against the Caribbean. "Look, I gotta get to work -- call me in the next couple days."
She proved smart, cruel and cunning. They fell in love, and remained that way for several years, until he decided to leave. Not her , everything -- everything else. But from that day on, all was different: no more railing morphine and spending the day in bed; no more highway blowjobs; no more swimming naked in neighbour's pools -- it was consenting, uninspired sex; silent dinners; solitary joints.
But that's what happens when you leave, brother. That's what happens when you decide to forsake the shepherd's toil, and go it alone.
The lingerie -- it was intended as reparations. Instead, it screeched nothing but sinister emotion: jealousy. No one should ever be able to see her look so good again. No one. Ever. And he wished he could take it back, or better still, he wished he could burn it. The thought crept from fantasy and into active plotting, where he conjured an evening spent together, building a fire, then watching the pink polyester melt synthetic horror onto the twinkling embers below.
He simply couldn't let it live on -- saw it as a public faucet, pirated into the hold of his private life and joy and memories. Anyone could turn it on and drain him. Drain him completely.
He ran the thought over and over again. If it were a cat, it would have been coiled in his lap, purring contentedly, rolling onto its back. But it wasn't -- it was an idea -- and it was inside of him, keeping him from sleep; keeping him from life.
Until one day, as if it were a cat, it sprung from his thighs to claw inexplicably at his face. He looked in the mirror and etched onto his forehead, dripping blood and kitty litter, was the mocking parental rhetoric: "Is nothing sacred?" Before that, it had never even occurred to him: the other lingerie she had! -- mountains of it! -- all smallish; some new; some worn. Some of it had to have been gifts -- just like his! Some of it had been worn for others, no doubt -- in hotels with jacuzzis; in bedrooms on ecstasy; in late-night rides from the airport.
Ah, the taste in his mouth as he recalled, as best he could, each piece she had ever worn, already worn.
And the horror spread, like the unfortunate simile: South-African AIDS -- infecting everything they loved: hot-tubs, champagne, fellatio, cunnilingus, analingus, intercourse. He dare not even look at the liner-tag of their relationship, lest it read, "This product made from 100% post-consumer materials".
His muscles burned with the motor oil. He showered over and over.
And then -- but no! It couldn't possibly be!? -- could it? The marriage of a thousand weddings. Puppies in hot air balloons -- no! It couldn't. She couldn't have. Not -- no. No.
How had she even put it? "Davey, I love you," she had said. She seemed like she meant it. "I love you, and I want to share something with you." There was a way she had said it -- was it "frozen shit-dildo", or "frozen-shit dildo"? Ahh, it's not important. What is important is the look on her face as she said it: eyes so wet and wide; lower lip tucked into her teeth. It was all so innocent and pure, as if it were a dream she never dared act out, enabled only by their ethereal love. And this was how he interpreted it at the time, but time is a funny, powerful thing, and mixed with scrutiny, alters all.
He recalled the precise and thorough instructions she had given: "We'll take a wax mould of your cock -- now the wax will be hot and might kill your erection, so I'll finger your ass and tickle your prostate. Don't cum though! -- it'll spoil the mould.
"Then, when it's more-or-less set, you jump in the pool and the wax will harden fully and your little pee-pee will shrivel up and slide right out.
"Then we'll throw it in the freezer and you'll eat two gallons of vanilla yogurt and have some really strong coffee. When the diarrhea comes, you fill up the mould and we'll toss it back in the freezer.
"Tomorrow night we'll score it down the middle and break it, leaving a perfect, frozen impression of your beautiful cock in shit, and you'll fuck me with it, no rubber.
"The frozen shit dildo."
He pulled at his stubble with the memory, now several days long.
It had always seemed to him that in life, nothing was untouchable; everything was worthy of ridicule or theft or defacement. But that was before the frozen shit dildo. That was before he had ever experienced anything that was bigger than just himself, or even him and someone else. And that was how he felt: it was more than him; it was more than her; it was more than them -- it was him, her, them, and the frozen shit dildo.
He recalled the look in her eyes as he knelt behind her, cold brown smoothness in hand: joyful, knowing expectation -- the newborn chick, spying her mother's return to the nest. The first few thrusts -- solid and unearthly. The way she arched her back to meet each probing. The lion's moan when it first slid past her wanton labia and filled her -- he had never before heard it, certainly not ever when he had breached her banks. And it began to dissolve, quickly. Quicker than he ever could have anticipated. How soon it was nothing more than a thumb-sized blob that he was plunging inside her. She climaxed quickly, the fake dick having long lost all form, and it was on his jack-hammering fingers that she spewed her ecstasy -- a dog, belching bubbling chocolate oatmeal.
She lay collapsed on the tarp-covered bed a moment, gasping lustily at the warm, moist air, before she sprung to her knees, smearing some of the surplus waste on his cock and sucking hungrily until he too came.
They lay in an expired, guilty heap a long time before he finally spoke:
"I love you, Jaclyn," he said.
"I love you too, Dave."
The shame of fecal-stained sex evaporated as no shit ever could -- leaving only a thin, light film: love; the light, buttery love of two wayward souls that had fought their way through the earth's gauntlet and found one another; clung to one another -- like dragonflies in spring.
But it was all gone now. And regardless of whether she had done it again -- or would do it again -- it was no longer theirs. It was his; it was hers; it was everyone's now.
---
And so the answer friends, is no -- nothing is sacred.
Nothing is sacred.
User Reviews
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-11-09 11:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-03-08 16:31:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never saw it before. Killer title!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-03-03 17:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this might be the most disgusting thing i have ever read. +2!!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-10 19:17:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
POST SOMETHING.
Please.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-19 22:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw shit, that was meant to be a +2
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-19 22:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm thinking I should've thrown a few deliberate grammatical mistakes into my UMIV application post... your stuff kicks all kinds of arse, I could use a softer opponent for round one..
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-14 21:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO!
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-09-14 13:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock dude.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-09-13 22:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought: Could this be what I think it is? And wouldn't you know it, it was.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-13 22:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amazingly and disturbingly graphic.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-09-13 09:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heck yes +2!
I really admire the way you can pull of such a disgusting story so well with such a serious writing style.
I totally agree with somebody down there in that I wish there were more writers like you on here and less of the bullshit horse cock videos and shitty rants.
Man, you rock!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-13 00:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, I meant that as a +2. Sorry, man. But someone who writes this well probably isn't that concerned with ratings.
If you are, my apologies.
Cheers.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-13 00:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wish there was more on the site like this and less of all the other bullshit.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-12 23:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're Bickerstaff, aren't you...
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-09-12 23:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two wrongs don't make a right, but because they're not on this level of wrong.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-09-12 21:45:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't read the whole thing, but skipped to the money shot
splendid stuff
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2006-09-12 21:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-09-12 21:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-09-12 19:39:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:51:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, but I puked a little in my mouth
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-12 21:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ilikesteak: Rate it with me
OathyPie: ok
steak u fag
just don't touch me
charminglybeef: haha
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-12 21:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, just +2.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-12 20:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a such a filthy, swaggering style. It's grand.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-09-12 19:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:51:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, but I puked a little in my mouth
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeesh.
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:08:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
frozen shit dildo aka the Alaskan Pipeline
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:07:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bleach, anyone?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just when you think Uber is boring and predictable, something like this comes along. A well-earned +2.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. My. God.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And to think, at the beginning "it was as if he could smell her even through the windows and car-exhaust: peaches and cream, pan-fried in butter and brown sugar.." made me think I could almost taste her and I loved that. I had no idea what I was in store for.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ummmmmm, none for me, thanks.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:51:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, but I puked a little in my mouth
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bleach, anyone?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And that was how he felt: it was more than him; it was more than her; it was more than them -- it was him, her, them, and the frozen shit dildo.
---
I'm so glad I had darko +2 all your posts.
WAY TO MAKE ME PROUD, SCOUT!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:45:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
===
I
LOVE
YOU
SO
MUCH.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of the time when I was in the park playing baseball and Shlongy offered me candy if I went into his van, so I did, but there wasn't any candy, instead he just fingered my d00dy hole and sucked on the walls of my anus all day.
=(
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH.MY.GOD.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is a post like this that makes giving a +2 almost shameful.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the fake dick having long lost all form, and it was on his jack-hammering fingers that she spewed her ecstasy -- a dog, belching bubbling chocolate oathmeal.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, but I puked a little in my mouth
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-12 16:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W