A Little Chat With God. (23858 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.87 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by iddqd (View user info) at 2006-09-15 02:03:32 EDT
Me: Welcome in today, ah, God.
God: Akchully, I'm not too keen on the whole 'God' fing. It's all so orforitarian. Mick and the boys back home call me 'gov'nor'. Or usually 'guv'. I like guv. I'm a god of the people, reely.
Me: Ok, ah, guv. Lovely of you to deign to have a chat with me. Is 'welcome' actually appropriate? You are after all supposed to be omnipresent.
God: I'm wot?
Me: Omnipresent. Everywhere.
God: Ah yeah, right. Well, I fink you can fink of me as a sort of anfropmofisisism, and not as the, ah, abstract religious concept that is all vose omni-fingumies that you lot all bang on about.
Me: Right. So as an anthropomophicism, you have a cockney accent?
God: Yeah, a pree'y bad one, I'm told.
Me: Is it necessary, religiously speaking, to have a cockney accent?
God: Well I've gotta sound like sumfing dunn-i?
Me: I guess you're right.
God: Well, I *am* God. I mean, I am all those omni-fings that you people say I am. It's not much good bein' vis all-knowin' all-seein' superbein' if you gets fings wrong, innit?
Me: Alright, no need to harp on it. Though I'm glad you remembered the ubiquitious 'innit' this time.
God: Look, you got some bleedin' questions, or wot? I ain't got all day.
Me: Yes, yes I do. Well, let's start with the basics. This is probably a little redundant, seeing as how you're sitting here talking to me right now, but did you in fact create the universe?
God: Guilty as charged. Yep, sorry to say I was me that done it, guv. Sorry for the in-con-veen-ee-ence, as some smart-arse put it, but it was all meant to be a bit'va larf, reely. Sumfin to do with me time. Idle hands, as vey say.
Me: ...Are the devil's playground? Isn't that a tad blasphemous?
God: I didn't make none of vose rules up, aw-wight? 'sides, it's a figger of speech, innit?
Me: Ok, so you created everything? Does evolution play a role at all, or did you in fact create every organism and, well, thing, in the universe?
God: Yep, all mine.
Me: So nothing evolves? It's all your hand at work?
God: Yes. S'wot I just said, innit?
Me: So when viruses develop immunities to anti-biotics, when bugs develop resistance to insecticides, when biology students do that experiment with fireflies, that's all you doing it, nothing innate in them that alters their biology and causes changes from generation to generation until the organism adapts to its environment?
God: What can I say, I'm a busy man, er, god. It's vat omni-fing stuff again. Prolly best if you just left it at vat, innit?
Me: Ok, so what about dinosaurs?
God: Wot 'bout 'em? Vey were pree'y cool wern'ay? Giant bleedin' lizards crashing all over the place.
Me: Yeah, pretty much every young boy goes through a dinosaur stage, I have to admit that they were pretty cool.
God; Wee, there ya go, ven. Job well done, innit?
Me: Was it you that got rid of them?
God: Yeh, sorry to say, had a bit o' a change in mission statement, new corp'rit direction 'n all vat. Had to let 'em go.
Me: "Had to let them go"? You extincted a vast portion of the life on this planet at that time in history...
God: Well, like I said, there was a change in direction, wasn't there? I suppose you'd rahver I'd've left em here for you lot to make friends with? Not bloody likely, innit.
Me: Ok, so how did you get rid of them? There are a few theories like climate change due to rising methane levels, or a dust cloud caused by a massive meteorite.
God: You wot? You lot fink I frew a great big bleedin' rock at the planet?
Me: Well, the scientists make it sound rather plausible...
God: Wot if I broke it?
Me: Broke... the planet, you mean?
God: Nah, nah, broke the laws of physics. Cawse broke the planet. Wot else you fink I'm tawkin' 'bout? Tho, I can break the laws of physics if you like. See?
Me: Sould you please put my chair back on the ground?
God: Shore fing.
Me: With me in it, please. Thankyou. So, you say you 'got rid of them', but it wasn't with a meteorite or methane or -
God: You wot? Mefane?
Me: Gas produced through flatulent emissions by the megafauna of the time.
God: Are you havin' a lend? You mean the animals farted vemselves to deaf?
Me: In a manner of speaking, I suppose, but you must-
God: Ho, ho, ho! I gotta tell Gabriel vat one! Animals fartin' 'emselfs to deaf!
Me: Gabriel. You mean the Left Hand of God?
God: There's a reason some people don't eat wif their left hands, you know. Sucker for toilet humour is our Gabs.
Me: Ok then. So, if it wasn't meteorites or methane, what was it?
God: Oh, I just got rid of 'em. No need for some big rock or stinkin' that place up or nuffin'. Vat's just stoopid, vat is, not to mention cruel. Haven't you people been told I was a merciful god?
Me: A merciful god that summarily wipes out whole species, it seems.
God: Yeah, well wot I done was better than dutch-ovening ev'ryfing to deaf, innit?
Me: Well what did you do?
God: I Towd ya. I got rid of 'em.
Me: You just made them vanish into thin air?
God: Well, accordin' to you lot it was pree'y fick air...
Me: You know what I mean.
God: Yes, I made 'em disappear. I made 'em out o' nuffin in the first place, remember? Wouldn't be much of a god if I couldn't uncreate fings I created in the first place, would I?
Me: What about fossils? If you just made them disappear, what about all the fossils left behind?
God: Oh, vose were just ones that had died already. Didn't see much point in gettin' rid o' 'em, seein' as vey was already dead. Bit o' a waste o' effort, reely, innit?
Me: So the fossil record is a big waste of time?
God: Oh, I wouldn't say it's a waste or nuffin'. I mean it creates a few jobs, and some toorist dollars and wotnot. Plus, I must say it's been a bit'va larf for me an' th' lads.
Me: A bit of a laugh...?
God: Yeh. Wot? You got a problem wiv us havin' a bit'va larf from time ta time? We've gotta be all sereen and wotnot just cos that's wot youse finks we should?
Me: Ok. Whatever. I guess the big question is: Why? Why did you get rid of them?
God: Well, da fing is, they weren't vat much fun, were dey? I'm finkin of fings to make and Michael goes: "How 'bout some fuck-off big lizards? We could race 'em and stuff." Seemed like a pree'y good idea, so's I went wiv it. The Friday fight nights were fun for a bit, till Lucifer started fixin' da matches and ven all it turned out the did was eat and fart and die. Pree'y borin' reely. Nah, so's what I fort of was a buncha animals that could tawk and stuff and make some drama. Lots more intrestin' than some borin' ol' lizards. So, I got rid of them, spent a bit o' time playin' around with odds and ends I had lyin' around and made you lot. Worked out pree'y well, I'd say.
Me: So, what you're saying is, that humanity has been created purely as a sort of entertainment for you and your heavenly host? A massive soap opera?
God: Pree'y much, yeh.
Me: You don't see anything wrong with that?
God: Wot? You guys get life and consciousness and free will and wotnot. You're all doin' pree'y well out o' it. All we get is some light entertainment after a 'ard days' sereenin' about.
Me: You realise much of human thought has been spent on considering the question of our purpose, of what we are 'here' for? Of determining our role in the universe, and how best to spend the gifts we are blessed with, either by a creator or evolution, only to have it turn out that all we are is some light entertainment? That our only purpose is to be? To be and provide you and your "lads" with a laugh here and there?
God: Yeh, pree'y funny, reely. Tho, all in all, 'snot suh a bad deal. Your purpose is just to exist and enjoy yourselfs. I'd say vat's a pree'y good purpose. I mean, I'm da one vat has to rush about makin' fings work all da time. You fink those trains you're always missing happen by theirselfs?
Me: You mean you deliberately make me miss trains and buses?
God: Yep.
Me: I KNEW it! Why!? Why, god, Why!?
God: You should see yourself. It's bleedin' HILARIOUS. Ah, I tells ya, sometimes I just spend a whole Sunday larfin at your tantrums. What you doin'?
Me: ...eight... nine... ten. I'm counting. It relieves stress, apparently. Ok, so we've covered creation, dinosaurs and Mankind's purpose.
God: Innit spose's to be "personkind" or sumfin' veese days? I can't never keep up wif you people.
Me: No, I think it's still "Mankind", though I guess it's only a matter of time.
God: Evryfing is, my son, evryfing is.
Me: Ok, so one more question...
God: Shoot.
Me: It's a one word question.
God: Go ahead.
Me: Platypus?
God: Evryone always bangs on 'bout the pla'ypus. What Is your fascination wiv dap la'ypus?
Me: Look at it.
God: Yeh, I spose. Well, I expec you'd be finkin there's some story 'bout me and Mick and Lucifer sittin' 'round wif a few pints and comin' up wif it for a bit'va larf, innit?
Me: That's a pretty general view, yes.
God: Well, sorry to say, but it isn't it, innit.
Me: Well, why then?
God: Was a lazy Sundee arvo and I had some spare parts left, 'at's all.
Me: That's it?
God: Yep.
Me: Oh. That's kind of dull, really.
God: You're tellin' me. If I'd'a known it was gunna make all vis fuss I'd'a never bovvered.
Me: Indeed. Well, that's pretty much all the questions I have for you at the moment, God.
God: Guv.
Me: Sorry, guv.
God: Well, s'been a pleasure. Fankyou for 'avin' me an' all. Kinda sorry I toleja 'bout da train fing an all, but. Was a great comfort to me after a hard day.
Me: Well, I'm sure you'll find something else to torment me with.
God: Count on it my son, count on it.
Me: Well, thanks again, guv, was lovely to have actually to met you. Thanks for not clearing anything up for me at all.
God: My pleasure.
Me: One last thing before you leave god?
God: Sure fing.
Me: Can you get Scarlett Johanssen to have sex with me?
God: No, you have ta do vat yourself, my son. Laters.
Me: Bugger.
User Reviews
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2006-12-30 22:10:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-15 20:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MeeatG (user info) at 2006-10-29 08:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man I damn near pissed myself laughing when "guv" got into creating dinosaurs to "race em and stuff". Guv's purpose of mankind reminds me of Soutpark's episode where earth was really an intergalatic reality TV show.
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2006-10-11 03:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God forgive you
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf, i'm not reading all that
haha
i read it. it's great.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-10-03 16:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-10-02 17:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2006-09-30 11:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What fuckin' accent is that meant to be? Still, made me smile.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-09-24 17:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more Cockney rhyming slang
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-09-23 14:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was reading it as a south african until the cockney bit.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2006-09-22 03:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ssa lla fo rekciK
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-22 00:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats. I'm sure the detractors make some good points, but the rest of us plebes thought it was funny. And in the end, pandering to the mob is all that matters.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-21 23:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And now I see someone else thought the kind of same thing.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-21 23:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn Id.
I see Graham Chapman here.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-09-21 20:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loved every line of it
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
corn nugget, please dont ever liken me to aj again.
its just fucking hurtful.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats :)
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WOOO!
hoooray for bart!
Submitted by Bushy (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was fucking good. I had a whole monty python scene going in my head, john cleese as the interviewer, bad 70's suit and horrible beige set, god played by eric idle. god is sitting in a navy boiler suit, beanie and all.
seriously, fucking funny.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations on a B@W post, you fucking tool. I sometimes wonder if you're like Aj. He's highly annoying, but once you meet him he's disarming, in a dorky way.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for the thoughtful comment. in my defence i have to say that this isnt meant expressely as comedy, but rather as a discussion of evolution v creation through a less serious medium, specifically on the side of evolutionists. god in this piece is meant to represent the views of creationists, rather than an actual version of god.
there is meat there under the gravy, but i dont think its the kind you may have been looking for. its meant to be reasonably serious, under all the stupid re-hashed jokes. i mean i even ripped off directly from bill hicks.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-21 10:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Usually when i write comedy it's because i've thought of some stuff that's absolute gold. The problem is, there's not enough gold to make a whole piece so i throw in a bunch of 'gravy' that is fairly bog standard, uninspired 'humour'.
This just seemed to be all gravy (with a good premise). I never got the urge to laugh, really.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-21 10:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-21 01:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, not sure if you saw it, but I did one of these too. It's in my user info.
This was funny as hell, though.
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2006-09-21 00:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was BEAUTIFUL.
Submitted by CrazyHorse (user info) at 2006-09-21 00:39:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking-A
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-09-16 16:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-09-16 05:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hee hee...hey wait, I came up with god being cockerny, you theiving sod!
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-16 05:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i wonder if anyone actually submitted this to baw?
i hope so, its been ages since i got one on there, itd be nice to do it again.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2006-09-15 20:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ROFLMAO
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-15 20:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hello, TGI Fridays? Hi. Yeah, need a booking for next week. Yeah, the rapture. Well...let's see...there's me...God...the heavenly hosts...and everyone soul to ever exist during the history of mankind. Oh. Well...can you sort of push two tables together?"*
*Probably misquoted, but close enough.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-15 19:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahha...so many awesome lines...but this is where I actually cracked up:
-------------------------
Me: It's a one word question.
God: Go ahead.
Me: Platypus?
God: Evryone always bangs on 'bout the pla'ypus. What Is your fascination wiv dap la'ypus?
Me: Look at it.
------------------------
B@W for sure.
Except cockneys don't say "v" instead of "th". What was up with that?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-15 18:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
someone saw the bill hicks reference.
you can rate it however you like, jamie. im quite happy with this. of COURSE the accent made you cringe, you know how it sounds, most of these people don't. besides, have you TRIED putting something like a cockney accent down on paper? i can speak it ok, i guess, but actually transferring it to text was really hard. i decided that going over te top was better than trying for accuracy.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-09-15 15:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"i was on acid, lying in a green field... and it occured to me that there was in fact a God and (He) wants us to be happy...
then it occured to me how bad this revelation would be for the market economy"
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I adore this. Seriously.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awsome, some minor editing problems but still awsoome.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is everyone reading the same thing as me?
i don't know if it's cos I am english or what but the 'accent' made me fucking cringe.
this has been done. loads of times. better.
+2 cos the whingeing little bitch will have a fit otherwise.
Submitted by Wicked (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Michael goes: "How 'bout some fuck-off big lizards? We could race 'em and stuff."
Yes
Submitted by Wicked (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes
Submitted by Buddeism (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
made me lol at work. nice little treat for those of you who are bored at work
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-09-15 02:05:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin AWESOME
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2006-09-15 09:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's like pie, and chips...for free!"
I love that Geico gecko.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-15 09:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-15 09:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin A1
God: Yeah, a pree'y bad one, I'm told.
--------------
And it IS a bad cock-knee accent.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-09-15 07:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And the candidates for B@W are....
This was really entertaining, didn't quite read the Cockney in Cockney if you know what I mean, was more like a kind of chav speak, but I suppose that's what cockney has turned into in todays world.
Bravo.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-15 07:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking tidy
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-15 07:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-09-15 06:08:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
too long
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-15 05:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at that. I probably shouldn't have though.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-15 04:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You talked to him too?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-15 03:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is too long for me to pay it any attention.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-15 03:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this may have been a bit too long for the (understandably due to work, etc) fragile attention spans of uber.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-09-15 03:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
missed this the first time through, but
Me: Sould
should be "Could"
whatever. Here's hopin for BAW
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-15 02:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A cockney accented God, levitating chairs, and animals farting themselves to death.
Don't know what you've been drinking or smoking but....B@W
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-09-15 02:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin AWESOME