Performance Appraisal my ARSE - How to do fuck all for 12 months and still get a pay rise (1679 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG <joe_green_2006.at.yahoo.co.uk> (View user info) at 2006-09-15 10:46:46 EDT
Ah, the joys of working in modern society.
The higher up the ladder you climb, the less you do and the more you get paid. This is, of course, excellent news for the fat cats in the board room. Not so hot for the people doing all the donkey work at the bottom of the food chain, for a little over the minimum wage.
When I started working here, I was driven like a black man in a cotton field. Targets, timescales, deadlines. The call centre atmosphere meant that you practically had to put your hand up should you feel the need for a piss.
But I grafted hard, and steadily applied for higher and higher positions until I got to where I am now.
My current job title is "Project Co-ordinator". I work as the middle man between the business teams and the project manager. Thankfully, the lack of communication within the department means they completely fail to see just how pointless my job is.
In a nutshell:
The business teams come up with a suggestion to improve working procedures, or a solution to an existing problem. They tell me what their ideas are. I tell the project manager. The project manager decides which ideas he wants to implement, and tells me. I tell the business teams what to go ahead with.
Aside from a few updates on projects that are ongoing, I find myself with time to fill in order to show that I am a necessary cog in the corporate wheel.
Top tips to show you really are hard working dedicated professional include:
- Blocking out random gaps in your Microsoft Outlook calendar, making it practically impossible for people to arrange meetings with you.
- Bulking out your in-tray with meaningless circulars, and then placing the one piece of work you really have on top of them all.
- Arranging for friends to persistently call the office on your boss's direct line, and when he answers say "Hi, this is Dave from Personnel, could I speak with your Project Co-ordinator please?"
There are plenty of things you can do to convince those who pay your wages that you really are deserving of the salary you take home. What I do to fill the time, is what manifests itself in the form of my Annual Review Summary and Evaluation. Or ARSE, I like to call it. Prior to the review, you are required to fill out a form. Here is a preview of my ARSE, with translations included:
Section 1 - Briefly outline what has gone well for you over the review period
What I said: "I have managed to gain a sound understanding of all the procedures necessary in order to carry out the role to the best of my ability. I have developed good working relationships with my colleagues, and provided technical support and assistance to others. When required, I have stayed late in order to meet deadlines and maintain the professionalism within the department. I have effectively managed my time, despite heavy meeting schedules, and my skills with the systems are second to none."
What I meant: "I've figured out how things go around here, and have abused the lack of supervision to suit my needs. I no longer shout at the stupid bitch who thinks that post-it notes are a suitable way of leaving important messages. I am also back on speaking terms with the guy in the wheelchair and have even shown him how to jimmy the coffee machine for free drinks. When my net connection was off at home, I waited until all others had left the office so I could book my ex-girlfriend tickets for 'Puppetry of the Penis' on line. Despite spending a huge portion of my day playing PSP on the bog, I can still type up your bullshit summaries and I totally kick-ass at Minesweeper."
Section 2 - How can you continue this in future?
What I said: I will continue to approach my work with a positive 'can-do' attitude and take suitable development opportunities in order to enhance my overall performance. I will further improve my working relationships by the means of honest, open communication and through the giving and receiving of constructive feedback."
What I meant: "I'll carry on getting away with murder, so long as I can keep going to those interactive learning forums hosted by the fit woman from Training and Development. When Susie from Credit Control smells faintly of semen, I'll quietly and amicably advise her of the unfortunate situation rather than commence an instant messaging debate over who she may have jerked off in the toilet. And if that stupid motherfucker Martin keeps telling me how to do my job, he's likely to end up with child porn as his screensaver."
Section 3 - What could have gone better?
What I said: "Due to my location on the office floor, I am not in the most ideal place to be able to communicate with the relevant staff members to effectively carry out certain aspects of my role. I am situated near an operations team, and the very nature of their work means that distractions and interruptions are inevitable. Also, certain system upgrades that were designed to improve procedures in other departments have had an adverse effect on the work I carry out, hindering my progress in certain areas"
What I meant: "For God's sake why did you sit me next to Helen? If I have to put up with one more bout of volatile PMT, or any more stories about her dog Daisy, I swear those Prozac tablets are going to come out of retirement. The psychopathic feminist Ops manager has complete view of my monitor, and I forever have to minimize my Internet Window whenever she glances up to scowl at me. As for the newly installed Web Blocker, whilst it might protect the staff from the less salubrious sites on the World Wide Web, it has completely thwarted my attempts to break the on-line DOOM record."
And finally.......... the clincher:
Section 4 - How would you describe your overall contribution to your business area?
What I said: "I have supported the Project Manager through this very busy period, and provided ongoing assistance to him, and all of my other colleagues. I feel my input to the business teams and my motivational techniques have inspired the wealth of ideas that have driven the department forward and upward. My handling of the technical aspects in the larger projects proved inspirational in the overall evaluation, and the satisfaction I have extracted from these situations is entirely down to getting a job done well."
What I meant: "LOL! My manager has no idea how little time I spend on the work he delegates to me. I can produce a convincing project update in a little over 3 hours, and make out that it's taken me 2 days to gather all the relevant information. My input into the business teams consists of bribing them with after work pints to produce half assed ideas that will never work, in order that I meet my targets. My handling of technical aspects in larger projects means that I can use Excel to produce simple bar and pie charts. These seem to fascinate the manager who has no concept of modern technology, hence gaining me heaps of undue praise when a presentation is carried out. Job satisfaction? I spend approximately 75% of my working day inventing new and amusing ways to pass the time, and get paid twice as much as when I had to slog my ass off - Why wouldn't I be satisfied?
I have e-mailed my completed form to my manager. My ARSE is on the line, quite literally. They've just announced that all employees who receive a "satisfactory" or above rating in their review will be rewarded with 5% salary progression on top of inflation.
Praise the Lord for all this corporate crap - I wonder what it's like at the top?
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-10 18:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahem, my husband is a coal miner and though works terribly long hours earns enough money to keep me in posh shoes and handbags. Honest work and he has the arm muscles of arnie where you oenpushers are little weedlings. :)
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-10 18:40:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicked ass. People like you are the reason Japan is killing corporate America, but you kick ass nonetheless. See you when we're all coal miners!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-10 18:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pssst... rob, he is kinda on here all the time. Well, sundays anyway. ;)
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-10 18:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock.
We miss you around here, dude.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-10 18:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha I was reading this only the other day!!
Ps all yours are fantastic <3 :)
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2007-03-02 18:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!!
This was awesome.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-02 17:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-03-02 17:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am such a maroon.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-03-02 17:39:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-03-02 17:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ever seen Haiku Tunnel?
"Dear Bob,
I quit.
-Josh"
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-31 00:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
solid
Submitted by whocares229 (user info) at 2006-11-08 12:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
solid gold
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-21 15:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2006-09-19 22:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-18 10:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2006-09-16 02:58:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now what you need is some staff to delegate your work too.
try this line
"thats an awful big project bossman, I may need some assistance with it"
what you mean
give me an assistant that gets minimum wage to do all my work and bring me coffee while I continue to rule at minesweeper
-------------------------------
I've often thought about this, but knowing my luck, the assistant would become twice as a profficient laybout as I am, and thus elbow be out of my comfortable little hole.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-16 16:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:52:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Chopper, sic balls.
========
THAT IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-16 08:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-09-16 03:28:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Use this handy little guide to set up a nice little ssh tunnel to get around those damn restrictions. Should work at most places
------------------------------------------
I'll be sure to give it a whirl
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-16 03:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-09-16 03:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:17:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Sadly all sites with Flash Players, games, anything like that have been replaced with "THIS WEBSITE IS BLOCKED"
Web Blocker sucks asses of all kinds.
======================================================
Use this handy little guide to set up a nice little ssh tunnel to get around those damn restrictions. Should work at most places.
http://www.buzzsurf.com/surfatwork/
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2006-09-16 02:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now what you need is some staff to delegate your work too.
try this line
"thats an awful big project bossman, I may need some assistance with it"
what you mean
give me an assistant that gets minimum wage to do all my work and bring me coffee while I continue to rule at minesweeper
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-16 02:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit you rule.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-16 02:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-15 15:05:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
~OathMeal Approved~
-------------------------------------------
hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! Only just noticed this!!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:56:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
What's in the briefcase?
Crackers
--------------------------------
Don't give my game away!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-15 15:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3rd raise this year....WOOT WOOT!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-09-15 15:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-15 15:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're doing well, young man, I rate this
~OathMeal Approved~
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-09-15 14:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds alot like my job.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-09-15 14:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
golden
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-09-15 13:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, it's all true. Nicely written.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-15 13:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty fetching.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-09-15 12:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-15 12:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-09-15 12:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's in the briefcase?
Crackers.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chopper, sic balls.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What I said: "I have supported the Project Manager through this very busy period, and provided ongoing assistance to him, and all of my other colleagues. I feel my input to the business teams and my motivational techniques have inspired the wealth of ideas that have driven the department forward and upward. My handling of the technical aspects in the larger projects proved inspirational in the overall evaluation, and the satisfaction I have extracted from these situations is entirely down to getting a job done well."
What I meant: "LOL! My manager has no idea how little time I spend on the work he delegates to me. I can produce a convincing project update in a little over 3 hours, and make out that it's taken me 2 days to gather all the relevant information. My input into the business teams consists of bribing them with after work pints to produce half assed ideas that will never work, in order that I meet my targets. My handling of technical aspects in larger projects means that I can use Excel to produce simple bar and pie charts. These seem to fascinate the manager who has no concept of modern technology, hence gaining me heaps of undue praise when a presentation is carried out. Job satisfaction? I spend approximately 75% of my working day inventing new and amusing ways to pass the time, and get paid twice as much as when I had to slog my ass off - Why wouldn't I be satisfied?
---------------
Capped it off fucking brilliantly.
ANYONE who works for The Man ought to be able to recognise the inanity in the ARSE process that are used.
Sheer class and a worthy +2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:07:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Another great post; It's like I'm reading about my own job. Only difference being that I'm constantly trying to break the online record for Bash The Haggis
--------------------------------------------
*reminisces @ Bash the Haggis*
Sadly all sites with Flash Players, games, anything like that have been replaced with "THIS WEBSITE IS BLOCKED"
Web Blocker sucks asses of all kinds.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You showed us your ARSE.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another great post; It's like I'm reading about my own job. Only difference being that I'm constantly trying to break the online record for Bash The Haggis.
Submitted by Tr4ppedunderice (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
startled guinea pig below
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
b@w
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha
Similar trade to me and I know exactly what it's like. Well written.
ARSE. I like that
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-15 10:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS.