It's a Bird. It's a Plane. It's a Fat Little Baby. (901 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.83 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nitty (View user info) at 2006-09-15 11:31:57 EDT
"And I hope their first child be a masculine child."
2 and a half years of engagement.
2 years of wedding planning.
And a few months prior to tying the knot, I slipped one past the goalie.
And she was PISSED.
The dress had been fitted.
The date was set.
Everyone had been invited.
There was no going back.
And she wasn't going to be able to drink on the honeymoon.
I told her it was only half my fault. She was there, too.
Now the boy must grow to be a man. I'm talking about me, of course.
He's coming.
Due date is in October, but the little fucker is gonna be early. He's already big and fat and wants to come out.
The nursery is nearly complete.
The crib has been purchased (holy FUCK expensive) and assembled.
The furniture is getting put in tonight.
The mobile is hanging.
The new carpet is installed.
All that's left is 'push push push you're doing fine push push push I hate you you bastard you did this to me push push push it's a boy'
I'll have to come up with massive real world knowledge the little man can glean from me. Things I can't get reading Maxim or watching Seinfeld or playing ball.
But I will teach him how to hit a curve ball.
How to work in a yard.
How to love, and be loved.
Against my better judgement, I'm thinking his first word should be 'Tippytoe.' I'll have to play that episode on a constant loop in his room. I just hope he doesn't grow up singing 'How do you solve a problem like Maria.'
I'm quite sure I'm excited, quite sure I'm ready, but nervous all the same.
Cameron.
Cam.
That's a helluva ballplayer's name, I think.
Oh, and as for the title - he is a fat little shit. 5 pounds 11 ounces as of his ultrasound on the 35th week. I'm gonna have to ask the doctor to put a few extra stitches in to tighten that shit back up.
That's why nitty hasn't posted lately.
Nitty has been busy.
Nitty's having a baby.
(but yes, my undying love and lust and whatever else is and will always be pledged to TigerLilly. And Shlongy)
-nitty
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh, either way...I'd do 'im.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Baby's First Camwhore
Yes, it's a moment, a milestone, a rite of passage, all culminating in his eventual arrest and incarceration for impersonating a human being...MY GOD IS THAT A FUCKING LIZARD!!!!!???!?!?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the fuck have I been? HOLY SUPER SPERM. Congrats!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-17 10:24:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BabyNitty!
The womenz of Uber are still sad you're not able to be the stand around boy-toy, and I hate filling in for you.
WHAT???
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-17 10:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for being in the same situation I'm in.
Hang in there!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-16 13:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats, man
my second will be arriving in may or june of next year.
I'm encouraging my brothers to produce boys as well so we can populate a little league team with our offspring. I look forward to my first ejection from a game.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-16 03:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-15 19:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me happy.
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-15 18:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was about to say, "who could say anything mean about a baby?" when I remembered growingfamily.com...
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-15 18:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
With a title like this, the post HAD to rock. I don't know why, but I had huge expectations for this post. And you delivered.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-09-15 16:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it me or is he flipping me off in that first ultrasound?
Does anyone else see it?
Anyways, Congrats, a child will dramatically change your outlook on life. I hope you're ready!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-15 16:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:D
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-15 16:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-09-15 16:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Make sure to post pictures on that family web site so all your uber buddies can make fun of your baby.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-09-15 16:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
sure as heck are a lot of new
babies on this site.
congrats.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-15 15:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3rd raise this year....WOOT WOOT!
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2006-09-15 14:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How to love, and be loved.
Best thing you could teach him.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-09-15 14:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
most likely black with some nappy locks
good shit maynard
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-15 14:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Geez, you get married, then have a kid, now all you need is your wife to make you buy a minivan, and then your life will be officially OVER.
Cam IS a good athlete's name, especially for ice hockey.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-09-15 13:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with all of that. I like how you called your baby a fat little shit.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-09-15 13:01:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You slipped one past the goalie ONE time and knocked her up?
Let that be a lesson to me...and...well everyone.
In any event, he looks awesome (so far) and congratulations!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-15 12:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That Kramerica scene had me rollin'...I added a line to it, too.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-15 12:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-09-15 12:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want one.
+2 for calling your own kid a fat little shit.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-15 12:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's that old saying?
Oh yeah...
"Don't let your babies grow up to be Shlongys."
Congrats and good luck - you're gonna need it once Cam turns your world upside down! (Not that he hasn't already...)
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks!
i'm off to the airport now - back to houston from calgary where it is FUCKING FREEZING.
i'm going to fuck the shit out of my bird in the pool in approx 6 hours then play golf.
goddam i love america.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WOW
Apollo you are one bent individual.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think it is creepy naming kids before they are born.
what if it dies in delivery?
then the little abortion has a name your wife can shriek at the tiny little coffin.
that being said - good luck - i hope all goes well etc.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations! Libra babies rule the world..haha
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I need to send the owner of that bad a nice fruit basket. I showed my ass.
But the bartender was a cocksucker. Of that I have no doubt.
When we going back? Can't believe Hymie wants to host next year.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No...that was a GOOD night. I'm sorry I missed it but that's the danger of hosting a bunch of drunks in MY CLIENTS (and friends) bars and restaurants.
We were back at Reilleys again last Saturday night for the Georgia - South Carolina mismatch.
That ALMOST turned out to be World War III by the end of that disaster-a-thon, too.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for tippytoe!
Congratulations!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dance to your daddy, my little laddie
Dance to your daddy, my little lamb
You shall have a fish and you shall have a fin
You shall have a heron when the boat comes in
You shall have a lobster boiled in a pan
Dance to your daddy my little lamb
Dance to your daddy my little laddie
Dance to your daddy my little lamb
When thou art a man and come to take a wife
You shall have a girl and love her all your life
She shall be your girl, you shall be her man
Dance to your daddy my little lamb
Dance to your daddy, my little laddie
Dance to your daddy, my little lamb
You shall have a fish and you shall have a fin
You shall have a heron when the boat comes in
You shall have a lobster boiled in a pan
Dance to your daddy my little lamb
-CM/SC
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Low blow, Shlong.
That was a bad night. I was a fucking train wreck.
Case never called that girl a whore, thank God. But I did offer to muscle up against Big Time.
I was celebrating my win a few days premature.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How's your wife and my kids?
BTW...That IS a good athletes' name.
Teach the kid how to handle his booze at an early age so he doesn't turn out like his daddy.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you think this is? http://www.growingfamily.com ?
Congrats. Get sleep now while you can.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-15 11:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do yourself a favor, get some dry cleaning done just for the metal hanger.