I hate classmates.com (851 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.65 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Beer_bong (View user info) at 2006-09-15 16:59:17 EDT
Last night I met up with a few of my old friends from high school. As the night progressed people starting leaving or passing out in random places around my house (My friend Josh fell asleep on my kitchen table). Eventually it was down to just me and my friend Amber. She's a good girl, got married right after high school and has a kid, husband is in Iraq. Her mom watched the kid. I'm typing this as though you care. You're probably not even reading this.
We sat up talking and drinking when, naturally, the topic of sex came up. Somehow, I've always managed to do pretty well with the ladies, and she knew that. We started yakking and bragging and after a few of my more fucked up stories, she posed the question "What haven't you fucked?" I told her that I'm at a point in my life where I'll fuck pretty much anything if I think I can get a good story out of it.
So, in my drunken stupor, I started listing off random things I would have sex with for a good story. I didn't realize that she was much more sober than I and sitting at a computer. I found a nice email in my inbox this morning titled "The Big List of things Paul would fuck" It was also sent to about 20 other people, most of whom I recognized as old classmates.
So, rather than pray that nobody will see it, I'm going to let everyone see it. Parentheses are hers.
The Big List of Things Paul would fuck.
A rocking chair.
A centaur.
4 Seperate species of ducks.
A snowshoe rabbit.
The entire cast of the original Star Trek.
John Ratzenberger
The statue of Justice
Milli Vanilli
Liza Minelli's wig
An eggplant
A snapping turtle
ManBearPig
Sammy Hagar
Komodo Dragon
A Mini Cooper
Big Bird, Snuffalufagus, The Count, and Ernie (But not Bert?)
Paris Hilton's Dog
an armadillo
Cooter from the Dukes of Hazard (The T.V. show AND the movie)
A kangaroo
A french mime
The freaky chick from Rockstar: Supernova - In all fairness, I love me some freaky bitches, DILANA MARRY ME!
Derrick Cope
The Marlboro Man
The Lithuanian National Water Polo Team
A Homer Simpson slipper.
Angela Lansbury
Courtney Love - I don't remember saying that, but its possible.
the battery compartment of a Maglite Flashlight.
Any penguin.
Dave Coulier
Urkel
A bucket of recently removed breast implants.
A bucket of not so recently removed breast implants
The dog from the Target Commericals
The russian chick with one eyebrow who works at the casino.
Jimmy Johnson's hair
A ficus
ZZ Top
Kurt Cobain's bullethole - Did he shoot himself? I don't care enough to look it up.
Van Gogh's ear
The Chuck E. Cheese rat
A burning rhesus monkey
The Space Pope - Does the space pope shit in the woods?
Cup O'noodles
The diving board Greg Louganis cracked his head on
A big ball of duct tape.
A bean bag chair
most types of pool toys
"Gina" from the 40 year old virgin
The glasses Salma Hayek wore in Dogma
Macho Man Randy Savage
Fred Savage
I'm guessing that by now most of my graduating class has seen this. I need to stop drinking.
User Reviews
Submitted by djhurricane (user info) at 2006-10-25 02:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You will update everyone as you work your way down the list.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-17 08:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-09-16 17:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I kinda figured it went without saying, iddqd.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-16 10:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i should be in that list.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-16 09:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who WOULDN'T fuck a centaur? HOT
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-09-16 05:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-16 03:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-15 23:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should read my classmates.com series.
I'll pull links later.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-09-15 23:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm up to 15 emails regarding this.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-09-15 23:48:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've been around. Haven't been Ubering much. I'll try and catch you on MSN sometime this weekend.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2006-09-15 20:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kurt Cobain's bullet-hole. That's priceless. I hate Kurt Cobain, Nirvana and classmates.com. definite plus 2.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-09-15 20:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
>>> John Ratzenberger
John Ratzenberger would fuck you, too:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48801
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-09-15 20:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY! *points*
Where the HELL have you been?
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-09-15 18:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-15 18:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Liza Minelli's wig?
+2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-15 18:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-09-15 18:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-09-15 18:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best thing since somebody stuck a banana down my pants and set a monkey loose.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm givin it all she's got cap'n!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kurt Cobain's bullethole - Did he shoot himself? I don't care enough to look it up.
-----
He blew the front of his head off with a 20-gauge shotgun. Would link the autopsy photos, but too lazy.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sulu would totally take you up on that, by the way.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:14:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
The entire cast of the original Star Trek.
Aren't some of them dead?
that probably makes it more appealing. knock the dust off as it were.
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The entire cast of the original Star Trek.
Aren't some of them dead?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEAAAH, SNAP INTO ME BEER BONG!
MISS ELIZABETH IS AWAY AND I'M NOT WEARING ANYTHING BUT THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!
I'M GONNNA DO YOU LIKE I DID RICK STEAMBOAT!
DIG IT!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try growingfamily.com, I hear they're into that sort of thing...
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As of now, I've recieved 7 emails from people and the party and from others.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i didnt read this but i hate that sight too.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-15 17:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A bucket of recently removed breast implants.
A bucket of not so recently removed breast implants"
hahaha.