I like a girl, (1618 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (View user info) at 2006-09-17 07:36:06 EDT
but she's miles away.
I can't pretend she doesn't exist so I'm screwed.
The kids have gone back 'home' from the weekend, my youngest broke his arm last week at school.
HIM: "I wasn't running up the stairs, Dad, it just happened."
me: "I know, Bubby, I know.."
The receptionist from his school rang saying, "It's pretty fucking bad (sans the fucking), and I nearly puked."
her: "The ambulance is on it's way but BY GOD I don't know how he manned up what with it looking so terrib.."
me: "OKAY! FUCK! - I GET THE PICTURE!! bloody hell..." (no swearing)
her: "well all i'm saying is that i was amazed at how he didn't cry until his grandad turned up, like, seeing a familiar face and all... little tears welling up an.."
me: [sticking free finger in free ear] "Where did they take him?"
her: "huh?"
me: "Where is my fucking kid???"
her: "oh, Mater Children's.. why?"
[sound of phone hung up]
So I get to spend 6 hours in the emergency ward with my newly exed ex-wife.
"Brilliant." thinks me...
me: "So.... err.... H', how's things?"
H: "Good, how are you?"
me: "I'm... ahh... pretty good. He's just having an x'ray right?"
H: "Yeah, he's been very brave.."
As he's wheeled down the corridor the nurse looks up and says "heyyyyyy, you're dad is here.."
'I' man up and do the suitably hard Dad's-alright-how-are-YOU?? offhanded thing...
more tears... maybe from the pair of us.. but he started it..
fast forward 10 minutes.....
_________________________
Sitting in his hospital room, with the ex.
_________________________________
me: "So. You're ahhhh, okay mate? Can we get you something?"
HIM: "am I gonna get a needle Dad?"
me: "No, bubby, no needles." [desperately imploring ex-wife with wtf is he or isn't he glare-stare..]
me: "Hey! - we've got you something.." [reaches into bag and pulls out Boba Fett Lego Star Wars (R) Slave 1]...
__________________________________
Hearing your 7 year old has broken his arm: SHITHOUSE.
Driving to the hospital: UNBEARABLE.
Thinking, 'Hey, I didn't expect to see you here..", when you see his mother and your ex-wife there: STUPID.
Watching his face light up for the 60 seconds he forgot about the perfectly snapped ulna 4 inches above his wrist?: priceless. no, too tacky... more tears? no, I'm a man godammit... gave this fuck some pluck?.... no... well yes, but more than that, made it all worthwhile?, a sense of relief?, maybe a 'nod' to achievement?, or to quote Blur a sense of enormous well being?.. whatever... but I think that may have been it..
So anyway he's eventually wheeled off to theatre and we get to say, "Well, this is the end of the road, bub, just like we talked about in your room, Mum and Dad will be right there when you wake up.."
He does the brave shit again, we look stupidly inadequate in our own fuck yeah we rock too capacities, and off he goes.
______________
me: "So you want to wait here or get some dinner?"
H: "You eaten?"
me: "No, I... ah, got a phone call at 2 in the afternoon to say my little boy had a severe break in his arm.. i didn't actually stop fo.."
H: "okay I get the point. I'd rather not sit around here and... 'think'."
me: "Ditto."
So we go across the road and have Subway, what can I say, it's the thought that counts, right? And I can tell she's like, "hmmm he's awfully meh about this - what gives?"
H: "You're.. err..... 'different'.."
me: "Oh? I hadn't noticed... I'm worried about where I parked, maybe that's it.."
H: "mm'kay, that's probably it.
____________________________
I like a girl. I like her so much I've finally forgotten about how crap I've felt. Truth be known I've not felt crap since I met her..... I'm the most cynical fuck on the planet, and I like somebody, it's kinda weird..
My little boy told me he played soccer at school on Friday.
"You WHAT!?? Bloody hell Noah - you've got a broken arm.."
"It's okay, Dad, I was 'keeper."
btw, Snark is an arsehole. I'm pretty sure he's gonna use my UberMadness submission to win again. Last time I sent him a submission he blocked my subsequent emails and the next thing I knew my 'post' was in the final. If you see a winning post this year along the lines of a boxer (dog) called Cleveland or one that mentions why avocado pits whilst for all intents and purposes being round, don't neccessarily fit up similarly shaped holes, or some vague reference to how this years Australian census coinciding with williamson going to Japan impacted on ghey menz here by like half, or if he's as stupid as I think he is - a post entitled, "Dear Snark, you are a fucktard, stop stealing my submissions", you'll know where it came from..
From: Snark <snarkk.at.gmail.com>
To: D_R <D_R.at.hotauthor.com>
Subject: Re: Dear Snark, here is my submission, please don't use it to win yourself like last time.
Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2006 03:32:51 +1000
Hey, fuckface, thanks for the submission. I'm soo gonna use it to win again, you are a completely dumb fuck. Btw, thanks for Necrosiac, that went swimmingly, and if you don't get Coventown 3 to me by Thursday I'm gonna get bart to ban your arse. You suck, I hate you, and EVERYBODY thinks I'm a great writer. Go fuck yourself, I'm glad your little boy broke his arm, and I hope one day you meet a girl that you can't have. Thursday, you dickfuck, or else.
- Snark.
see?
The Panics - In Your Head.mp3 (3 MB) [audio/mpeg]
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-25 11:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
missed this a year ago i guess.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-25 11:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/100708#2532958
Re: the Title of this Piece; BOLLOCKS. Now, I'm sorry to be harsh and I do try and avoid using "gay" as an insult, but in this case I see it as help to self help. You have to know, and I'm happy to tell you, that it's okay to be gay. It really, truly is, and you will still impress me with your many worded non punctuated imaginatively creative insults, whatever your sexual preference. (My dad is off-limits, you weirdo. He's happily married TO MY MOTHER, sexually monogamous WITH MY MOTHER, and not at all interested in your sick offers. Stop emailing him.)
And look at it this way; you've already reproduced and thereby done your duty to the human race, so make sure that the rest of your life is all about the "me-time" you deserve. Enjoy!
Now, where were we. Oh, right, you were asking for my help, because you couldn't get the job done yourself (in typical Aussie fashion).
Steve Devine? Now, if I correctly interpreted the information which my good friend google lead me to, of the 10 matches listed he has played on the winning team a total of 8 times. This does, obviously, pose a conundrum. Your standpoint is that he is useless, because he's playing on a NZ team, and mine is more correctly that it is unfortunate that he is an Australian, as his mere presence on the team dishonours the game.
I think it logical to conclude in this situation that you are merely bitter that he has "turned coat" and seen the light, choosing to not side with you bunch of nohopers and dropkicks.
Glad I could be of assistance, my good man.
Oh, and in passing might I mention that I'm actually not living in New Zealand, so while your warm well wishes as to the state of the internet are much appreciated, I'd suggest you pass them on to a NZer who cares. I can get you a toe, perhaps.
Yours in admiration,
Fey HalfBreed McFaterson.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-03 05:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Robot Dancing!
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2006-09-25 23:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey. Sorry to hear about the boy. I hope he's getting better by the day.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-09-21 19:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
in your non public email, i meant.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done. you have mail.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-09-18 16:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You dirty cunt Snark.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-09-18 14:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3 days left Cockmonkey.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-18 13:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm happy for you ... liking a girl and all
I'm sad about the boy's arm - it's a right of passage tho - he'll be a real man when he grows for having lived through the pain.
now I'm off to pout about you liking a girl
<pout>
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-18 13:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-09-17 10:37:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to like a girl, too, but that shit never works when you tell them you like them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, sometimes it does.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-18 13:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like lots of them.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-18 13:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe there's hope after all.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-09-18 10:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you too booboo.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-18 05:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How charming.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-18 03:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn good post
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-18 02:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey now
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2006-09-18 01:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with below..
so good, for so many reasons.
(i hope your son is ok.)
go rate my shit.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93166
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-09-17 16:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
panics
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2006-09-17 14:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-17 12:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a good post for so many reasons.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-17 12:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also when someone is miles away, it's almost easier to pretend they don't exist. You never actually see them. Out of sight out of mind?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-17 12:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whatever you do, don't let D_R Jr see your embroidered undies.
Then he may REALLY cry.
PS hope the boy is fine (yes you too)
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-09-17 12:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was born in that hospital. Did you feel my ghost there.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-09-17 12:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Danger_Ranger 2000 is so close to being a real boy now. Tears and everything!
Go on - say 'Crikey!' like all you Australians.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-17 12:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-09-17 11:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice job re-writing it from the way you sent it to me first...
I, like a girl,
Category: None
Rating: 1.13 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V) (Label this item)
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Submitted by Danger_Ranger [Authenticated] (View user info) at 2006-09-17 07:36:06
sit when I pee.
Fin.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-09-17 10:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to like a girl, too, but that shit never works when you tell them you like them.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-17 10:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup. That's a plus sign.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-17 10:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poor old littel ranger, and good luck with the gurl!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-09-17 09:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am that girl.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-09-17 09:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
okay.
Submitted by fudge_me (user info) at 2006-09-17 09:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Please for fucks sake - die or something.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-09-17 07:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
make up your fucking mind, d_prime.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-17 07:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 first impression
+1 wanting to swear to receptionist
+1 anti-Ubermadness, along with outrageous accusations
my brother has that slave I
average rating of 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-17 07:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This did the full range of emotions from "Dom Perignon Champagne" to "Sunnyvale Fruity Lexia".
I really loiked it.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-09-17 07:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.xanga.com <- A place for blogs
http://www.livejournal.com <- A place for journals
http://www.myspace.com <- A place for friends
http://www.ubersite.com <- A place not to be a to-al n00b talking about "a girl who's miles away"
copy-and-paste a million times