The return of Webfound stuff, so many cute animanals, maybe I am ghey (657 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.33 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DCWoody (View user info) at 2006-09-17 12:35:12 EDT
A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors, including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business trip and I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody who will come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who would do the job!"
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master.
The water was churning and splashing in the struggle.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the surface. He slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was staring in disbelief.
The host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"I don't want it," said Leroy, panting.
The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something, you won the bet!"
So Leroy replied, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever one of these white ***censorship*boo!*blame*Tom*** it was that pushed me in the pool."
A guy was on his way to work and he brushes past a chick the the most perfect tits in the world. He quickly says sorry and sheepishly asks "If I give you $10 can I bite your tits" She looked disgusted and said "NO!"
The guy thought about what he had done wrong and the next day on his way to work he saw her again "If I give you $100 can I bite your tits" but again she goes "No!"
The next day the guy asked for the entire months pay and he says to the her "If I give you $4000 can I bite your tits" She looked doubtful so he showed her the handful of notes."Okay but not here".
She takes his hand and pulls him into an alley way on the side of the street and the guy gets down to rubbing kissing and licking her tits...after about 5 minutes she gets bored and says "Well are you going to bite them"
The guy grins steps back and says "Nope" and he walks away...
Allegedly the following notes are not faked
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the three hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The six bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the three bars I left today, as my instructions from the management are to leave three soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy
Relief Maid
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Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added three little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left three hotel soaps which we are instructed to do by the management. I took the six soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the three complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.
Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another three bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of three bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just five days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave three bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here?!
All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them.
The 24 Camays which had been taken and the three Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the three daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item: I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head four times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bastards!"
A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130kmh, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210kmh to escape being stopped.
Then he thought to himself, 'What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my shift ends in five minutes - if you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asked the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician says "There's no charge" "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads."
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat ugly slag'".
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.
As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.
For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.
The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, on your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round!
Cool video.
http://grab.orsm.net/php/movies.php?file=update20060803/godsavetherenault.wmv
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!" God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
In other news MYspace sucks. I have now had 14 hits on that page. I think I'll stick with Uber.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-18 18:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
goodness, that soap story goes back to 91 or '92, at least
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-18 15:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-18 14:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what is this crap?
Submitted by Wicked (user info) at 2006-09-18 13:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-18 13:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Some of the old ones are the best.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-18 13:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i THOUGHT I RATED THIS, i ALSO THOUGH THAT i FIXED THE FUCKING CAPS LOCK PROMBLEM, TOO.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-18 13:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soap.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-09-18 10:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-17 14:20:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Best video ever.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSGJKYuLkNk
Totally SFW too.
----
I pissed myself. Fuck that's funny.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-09-18 07:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For hand sized baby bunny.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-18 05:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-18 04:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-09-17 22:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Caution: Sad, sour and lonely losers below.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-17 22:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I read it.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-17 22:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-09-17 20:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WAAAAAAAAAAAY to cute for me.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-17 14:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Best video ever.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSGJKYuLkNk
Totally SFW too.
-Dave
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-09-17 14:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yups.
dog eating biscuit gains you a +1
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-17 13:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read it all.
Old stuff, but decent funny.
-1 for that.
+1 for the filename, though.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-09-17 13:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck, I'm not going to read all of that!
Yay animanal pics.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-17 13:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know this was all cut and paste, blah blah, but some of that shit was pretty funny (for some reason I liked the Qantas gripe sheet crap) and of course all the cute pictures of furry animals.
PS TTOM is all-seeing and all-knowning. He probably lives in your computer. Let him out, would you?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-17 13:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
old.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-17 13:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT!
+2 filename
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-09-17 12:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So Leroy replied, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever one of these white ***censorship*boo!*blame*Tom*** it was that pushed me in the pool."
Tom?
TTOM?
Why would TTOM censor my jokes??
What the fuck just happened???