If My Parents Had Loved Me, They Would Have Named Me Bruce (459 hits)
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Submitted by morontian (View user info) at 2006-09-19 10:29:32 EDT
But they didn't name me Bruce, so I guess they didn't. Just think about it for a second. Bruce, man. I challenge you to name me one Bruce that wasn't just totally the shit. They don't exist. The name Bruce is synonymous with 'cool,' always has been, always will be. What's that? You're not convinced? I can't believe you are arguing with me on this one. Ok, ok, if I really have to spell it out for you, I'll give you just the ones that spring instantly to mind. And yes, I am trying to keep my mind open to useless Bruces, but I don't even see the possibility of one of those popping up.
Burce Springsteen is one hell of a Bruce. "Born to Run" was a kickass album, and his "Born in the USA" classic was almost adopted as a new national anthem by one of the coolest, albeit slightly confused, presidents in this country's beautiful history: none other than the actor himself, Ronald Wilson Reagan. Of course, there were a lot of people who thought Ronnie was the anti-christ because of the whole 666 thing that can be done with the letters in his name, but that's not the point. There are plenty of Ronalds that could fall off the planet and not be missed, but if his name had been Bruce Wilson Reagan, or better yet, Bruce Brucey Bruce, he probably would have been voted King and the world would be a lot different now.
I remember watching "Moonlighting" and thinking to myself: "Self, this guy is going to be huge one day." And I was not wrong. Bruce Willis has turned out to be an utterly indispensable asset to the Bruce dynasty. It took the world a little while to catch on to what I already knew, but from the day "Die Hard" was released and movie-goers all around this great, blue ball were confronted with the irresistible charisma that is Bruno, things would never be the same. Sure, his music tanked, but what do you expect? Bruno ain't about singin' the blues, Bruno's about kickin' the ass. German, Italian, American; it's all ass to Bruno, and when he says "frog," you'd better jump, dammit.
When Iron Maiden was formed in 1975, the band had a long row to hoe laid out before them. The next six years would be tough for them, and they would scratch and claw their way just for the opprotunity to be heard. The main problem for the guys wasn't the lack of material or talent, the MUSICIANS of the group had that baby all powdered and diapered. The problem was there was no Bruce. Paul Day, Dennis Wilcock, and Paul DiAnno may have all had their own niche as vocalists and frontmen, but it wasn't until Bruce Dickinson brought the gold that all bets were off. The first album released with Bruce was "The Number of the Beast." I don't think anything else really needs to be said. The band went on to monumental success and influenced millions of little metal heads, myself included. But when things got shaky and Bruce left the band to be replaced by Blaze Bayley, things went downhill but fast. This just goes to remind everyone: A Bruce is a terrible thing to waste.
(Oh, and as a completely unrelated side note, Iron Maiden wanted to release the song "To Tame a Land" as homage to the novel "Dune" by Frank Herbert. Herbert said "no" and later threatened legal action when Steve Harris, bassist and songwriter for the band, said jokingly in an interview that Herbert "doesn't like rock bands." What a wank.)
If there is one person in the history of mankind that could whoop Bruce Willis' ass, it could only be Bruce Lee. It's like using a diamond to cut another diamond, it's the only way the job can possibly be done. Honestly, how many people so you know that can pop a balloon without touching it? He could throw a puch at a balloon and pull that punch back with such force that the air pressure would cause the thin plastic to rupture. Now that's impressive. He put the art in martial arts. He would hang upside down doing suspended sit-ups and have someone slapping him in the midsection with a plank of wood. There are so many things that could be said that I would be here typing all day, and I'm not even that big of a fan. Suffice to say, Bruce Lee is one guy I'd never fuck around with, even if he is dead as shit.
And no list of Bruces would be complete without the one and only Bruce Campbell. The Bruce of all Bruces. As if his portrayal of "Ash" in the Evil Dead series isn't enough, there's Brisco County Jr., Autolycus from Xena and Hercules, Sebastian Haff, and a role in just about anything by director/producer Sam Raimi. Bruce Campbell, I'm not even worthy of speaking his name.
And you know, that's not all. There's Bruce Kulick, Bruce Wayne, Bruce Banner, Bruce Hornsby and Bruce Jenner. The cool factor isn't even restricted to those with Bruce as a first name. Surnames count as well. There's Robert the Bruce, Lenny Bruce, Jack Bruce and that Karen Bruce chick I used to lust after in high school. I guess all of this is just a longwinded way to tell everybody: "Hey, when you grow up and have children of your own, show them that you love them every chance you have. They will grow up and be gone before you know it or are ready for it, so why not make every conversation you have with them really show them that you care? Name your kids Bruce. All of them. Even the girls. They'll thank you for it."
All of them.
Even the girls.
User Reviews
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2006-09-19 19:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:33:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
You do know Bruce is also a popular name for gay men, right? I think you'll be glad your parents didn't name you Bruce once you hear a flamboyantly gay man say "thmack my ath, Bruth! I've been a naughty boy!"
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Exactly what I thought as well.
Don't look at me that way.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You do know Bruce is also a popular name for gay men, right? I think you'll be glad your parents didn't name you Bruce once you hear a flamboyantly gay man say "thmack my ath, Bruth! I've been a naughty boy!"
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you do have a lot of work man.
i expect you to be finished by 9:00 A.M. or you'll be docked points.
seriously though, glad you're back.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RUN TOOOO THEEEEEEE HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS
RUN FOOOOOOOOOOOOR YOOOOOOOOOUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we should rename everyone in Australia Bruce.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bruce Springsteen +2
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why, it's nothing like that at all.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:34:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This reminded me of an episode of the Brady Bunch where some famous guy shows up and everyone says his name a thousand times, for obvious reasons.