The importance of keeping spiders away from your penis (25306 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.92 on 75 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Axolotl (View user info) at 2006-09-19 10:44:09 EDT
Back in the good old days of last year, I used to run cross-country for my school, around the beautiful North Jersey landscape. Six and eight mile runs were normal fare, and on hour-long runs, occasionally we had to stop for Mother Nature's business.
For this was no ordinary business - lo, what light from yonder bladder breaks through the window of the east? With every step I took my bladder quivered and jerked, threatening me with spilling its golden buckets.
I needed to find a safe place to release my glorious shimmering stream of Midas before it released itself. I was near a large public park, full of trees and fields, and a large six-foot-tall bush. I went off my course, aiming toward the massive shrubbery.
I tottered over to the large, ugly bush, carefully holding my bursting ureters as they readied to detonate. I crossed the street, dodging heavy traffic - can't you idiots see I'm holding my penis?? *God*, Some people.
As I neared closer to the bush, I noticed it was prickly, spiny - a demonic bush. It was no ordinary bush. It was a paradigm of dual nature, both my savior in my hour of need, and a spiky bowl of doom and torture.
I'm pretty sure we discussed it in English. I was selling my soul to the devil by urinating in the bush.
I stood against the bush, my hands squeezing my penis through my shorts - aw hell, how am I going to take it out? There were soccer players practicing in the field, and cars crossing on the street, so I stood to the side, and waited a bit.
No cars coming. The coast was clear. I whipped it out.
--Immediately three cars passed by, pointing out the window at me as they went. Bastards. I really did sell my soul to the devil.
I relieved myself into the bush, like a golden waterfall caressing the boughs of the rainforest. I cried out to the heavens in ecstasy, my load relieved and my burdened carried on the wings of angels, angelic angels of urine. I tried to remember the patron saint of urinators, but couldn't remember, so I settled on thanking the patron saint of bushes.
Fingers trembling in joy and relief, my man-tube wiggled in the spiny prickly depths of the dark-green bush. Something poked at my gloriously now-empty shaft; I shook it a bit, thinking that a pine needle had brushed against it.
And then it happened.
I pulled my flaccid peener from the murky bowels of the accursed bush, and looked down.
There was a spider on my penis.
It wasn't just a spider. It was a mutant. It was the size of a king crab, with skull-white legs, a bulbous yellow sack, and legs like those crazy fecking massage things they have at the mall. You know the ones. It was huge and massive and scary and I did a flip, and shat a brick and all those things.
There was about a half second before the reaction got to my brain, and I had a lot of choices. Would I punch myself in the wang, risking ball damage, and perhaps pissing off the spider even more? Would I run shrieking like a little girl with a spider attached to HER penis? It was the macho choice versus the fearful choice.
I did the thing that made the most sense; I yelled out "I'll kill you, you little skinny fucker!" and shook my penis wildly. The spider held on tight, and sunk his fangs into my tallywhacker.
Swinging my hand like a shovel and slapping the spider off, I said (and I quote) "AAARGGH!! YOU EVIL BULBOUS BASTARD!" A trickle of blood ran out of the rapidly-swelling wound on my John Thomas.
It was growing at an amazing (and thrilling) rate. My blood and poison-spider-saliva swelled pen0s was growing larger than it ever had been. It was burning, like a thousand needles piercing through my glans and frenulum, but I was maxing out at eight inches of bloody, bright-red man-sausage.
Hell yeah. Painful, but still...hell yeah.
Long story short, I went back to my coach, and exposed myself to him. I was awkwardly told to tell my parents and wait a bit. By the time I got home, the swelling was down, but it hurt like hell and was a lovely bright-red shade.
Somewhere that spider is sitting in a bar somewhere, recounting to all his spider buddies his thrilling tale. "Yeah, the human stuck his flesh-feeding tube into my house and started flooding it. I bit it, and he tried to kill me."
As his spider friends bought him drinks and congratulated him, the spider would say proudly:
"I survived by the skin of my teeth off the skin of his penis."
True story.
Here's a the Google result for "Spider Penis." I got some interesting looks searching for this.
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-01 21:29:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Octopi are awesome.
And since it was a linkwhore that got me here....
http://www.ubersite.com/m/112962
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-12-23 03:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA HA!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-22 23:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ick
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-29 19:20:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
16660 hits
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weep 666
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-14 19:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/94431
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-22 14:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82598#1791860
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-21 10:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-20 07:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-19 22:53:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed when you realized it was on you, and then hyperventilated and curled up in a ball when it bit you.
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Very true.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-20 07:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Attn:
Everything you ever wanted to know about Jorge_Burrito
User id: 27740
Registered on or around: 2006-07-07 17:25:39
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 13
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
Submitted by Jorge_Burrito (user info) at 2006-09-20 01:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"It was the size of a king crab"
I think this is only because your penis is so small..you know the whole perspective thing.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-09-20 00:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if it were a brown recluse, you would have no pen0s
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-19 22:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed when you realized it was on you, and then hyperventilated and curled up in a ball when it bit you.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-09-19 22:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93255
HAHAHHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 20:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-19 20:23:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Possibly the most compelling literary use of "pen0s" i've read this year.
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I do my best, PC.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-19 20:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Possibly the most compelling literary use of "pen0s" i've read this year.
Submitted by andkorn (user info) at 2006-09-19 19:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, should be +1.5 Needs more pen0s.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 19:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:06:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Believe it or not, you are not the only person I know who got toothy head from an arachnid.
WHAT KIND OF SICK WORLD DO WE LIVE IN?
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Really? I know goferforhire had a similar experience, it's not rare I'm sure.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Believe it or not, you are not the only person I know who got toothy head from an arachnid.
WHAT KIND OF SICK WORLD DO WE LIVE IN?
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-19 17:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
peener!
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2006-09-19 16:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell yea.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-09-19 16:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Story looks good Ax. I'm Shaun. My name isn't really Shaun though. Good luck.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-09-19 16:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 12:03:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:44:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
if this wasn't good it'd still get a +2 CUZ I'M GETTING DIVORCED!!!
00000000000
weep
YOU WERE MARRIED?
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you didn't know? well if it makes you feel better, i might be divorced by new years!!!
*doin the happy dance, doin the happy dance, doin the happy dance*
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 16:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-19 16:13:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
so, can you shoot web-fluid from your penos and swing around skyscrapers with it, like Spiderman?
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If only...
Peter Parker was bit by a spider, and all he got was leukemia.
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-09-19 16:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, but everyone knows spiders aren't real.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-19 16:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so, can you shoot web-fluid from your penos and swing around skyscrapers with it, like Spiderman?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 16:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-19 15:36:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
*grumbles*
Yeah...
It was good *grumbles*.
Truce? *extends hand*
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I rate honestly. Post something good, I'll rate it well, post shit, and I'll rate it accordingly.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-19 15:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*grumbles*
Yeah...
It was good *grumbles*.
Truce? *extends hand*
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 15:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2100 hits in four hours?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha
That's awesome.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:29:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
<confused>
what list?
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AHEM
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-whatever-whatever 23:64:42
Ranking: 0
...sigh...another list I didn't make.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:25:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Does this count as bestiality?
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It's illegal in New Jersey, so I would hope not. I'd hate to be arrested for consensual sex with a spider, my face would be real red.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<confused>
what list?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jesus christ.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does this count as bestiality?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:21:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
I had the unfortunate experience of having a tick attached to my nut sack. I was not at all pleased to find him there. I was even less excited about the prospect of removing him from my berries. That was just a little too personal for my tastes, I mean I hadn't even met the nasty little bastard, didn't know it's name, knew nothing about it whatsoever and there it was sucking happily away on my boys. I burned it after I successfuly removed him from my scrote and thouroughly enjoyed watching it squirm and twitch as the fire took hold of its nut sack sucking little body. I hate ticks.
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When it burned, did it ooze sac-blood and sperm everyplace while writhing and shrieking in full, contented ball-suck'ed agony? Because that would be cool.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had the unfortunate experience of having a tick attached to my nut sack. I was not at all pleased to find him there. I was even less excited about the prospect of removing him from my berries. That was just a little too personal for my tastes, I mean I hadn't even met the nasty little bastard, didn't know it's name, knew nothing about it whatsoever and there it was sucking happily away on my boys. I burned it after I successfuly removed him from my scrote and thouroughly enjoyed watching it squirm and twitch as the fire took hold of its nut sack sucking little body. I hate ticks.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:33:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
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attn alters: fuck off
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 14:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:33:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
This story made me laugh out loud and cringe. Given that most of my reading on this site is done quietly with a passive, sometimes amused expression, my reaction to this is worth a +2.
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haha glad to hear it.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story made me laugh out loud and cringe. Given that most of my reading on this site is done quietly with a passive, sometimes amused expression, my reaction to this is worth a +2.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:17:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:15:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
You really didn't have to write anything, given the title.
Could have just been: "It's important to keep spiders away from your penis. There it is."
But, whatever. This works too.
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haha
It's always important to keep spiders from your penis. And your mouth, because they can sew your lips and nose shut that you can't breathe, and other such shenanigans.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:10:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how you guys walk around with those things. But the ability to pee in public while standing is worth the occasional spider, I'd think.
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It usually hangs out up in our shorts. We get used to it, I suppose, I can't really imagine having anything NOT there.
If I woke up and discovered some Nigerian sorceror made my penis disappear by magic, I can't say I'd be too pleased. I'd find myself a bit distressed.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You really didn't have to write anything, given the title.
Could have just been: "It's important to keep spiders away from your penis. There it is."
But, whatever. This works too.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how you guys walk around with those things. But the ability to pee in public while standing is worth the occasional spider, I'd think.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 13:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-19 12:18:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know all about that
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91093
(shameless linkwhore, away)
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hahaha
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-19 12:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweat it off
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-19 12:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know all about that
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91093
(shameless linkwhore, away)
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 12:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by 0bnoxious (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:49:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh
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Heh. Your first review. Welcome to Ubersite.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 12:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:50:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG
I can totally relate.
But instead of getting bitten by a spider on my penis in the park whilst urinating, I got bitten by an invisible spider on my hand yesterday whilst doing nothing.
And it hurt like hell and got alllll swollle up and it's this funny gray color now and I'm certain that I'm going to die.
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I've had that happen in my sleep. Spiders bite my eyelid and my face swells up sow that I can't see.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 12:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:44:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
if this wasn't good it'd still get a +2 CUZ I'M GETTING DIVORCED!!!
00000000000
weep
YOU WERE MARRIED?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:44:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
if this wasn't good it'd still get a +2 CUZ I'M GETTING DIVORCED!!!
============
AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAH
Awesome. Congrats.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG
I can totally relate.
But instead of getting bitten by a spider on my penis in the park whilst urinating, I got bitten by an invisible spider on my hand yesterday whilst doing nothing.
And it hurt like hell and got alllll swollle up and it's this funny gray color now and I'm certain that I'm going to die.
Submitted by 0bnoxious (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
if this wasn't good it'd still get a +2 CUZ I'M GETTING DIVORCED!!!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:20:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
wonderful title
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I was channeling the ghosts of Uber's past.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vivid. Great!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wonderful title
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:17:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:08:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:02:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:59:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
use of "tallywhacker" +2. reminds me of Porkys.
--
Never saw that...
---
Well, you should. There's tits and fanny in it. Guess it just makes your use of tallywhacker super
k-rad.
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ULTRA SUPER K-RAD?
omg
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:02:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:59:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
use of "tallywhacker" +2. reminds me of Porkys.
--
Never saw that...
---
Well, you should. There's tits and fanny in it. Guess it just makes your use of tallywhacker super
k-rad.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:59:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
use of "tallywhacker" +2. reminds me of Porkys.
--
Never saw that...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 11:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:59:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was like reading a thesaurus.
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A very peenerific thesaurus.
Peenersaurus.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:57:15 (#)
Ranking: -1
And who is the patron saint of bushes?
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St. Halliburton.
Don't know. If I really cared, I could find him.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
use of "tallywhacker" +2. reminds me of Porkys.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was like reading a thesaurus.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Mighty_Badger (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
And who is the patron saint of bushes?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:55:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for going through such a disapeasment.
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WOOOO +2 DIAPEASEMENT
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for going through such a disapeasment.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:48:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
You would be a great person to have around in an emergency. Really :(
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I'm effervescently (?) calm when any problems arise. Almost to the point of emotionless directives.
Except with spiders and bugs. They give me panic attacks.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You would be a great person to have around in an emergency. Really :(
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 10:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Formatting is my friend. Spiders are not.