All I Ever Learned About Love Came at the Bottom of a Bottle (1030 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.87 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (View user info) at 2006-09-19 17:44:14 EDT
The thing about love is, it's damn near impossible to find. It's like tracking down a dancer in Vegas without more silicon in her chest than your laptop's motherboard. That's why people go all retarded for it, this delightful, cliche bullshit we call love, not cause it makes you feel good, but because you can't fucking have it.
It's like that with anything our simple little minds desires, the easier it is to have, the less we want it. Yeah, I could sleep with the decent-looking chick next door, but I and any other man would give his left nut to have a whack at Jessica Simpson.
We just can't settle. We're dreamers, and always have been, since the moment our spines straightened and we stopped walking on our knuckles. You think a chimpanzee has any desire to do anything besides sit in a tree and eat bananas all day? That's what makes us different.
But you may be wondering just what my point is in all this. Is he trying to get me to change my philosophies on love, maybe broaden my mind's horizon, get me to better myself as a person, and perhaps have an ulterior effect on society? Or is he just ranting because he's the kind of dipshit loser who lives in his mother's basement and hasn't had a meaningful relationship since high school, cause he drinks too much and aforementionedly lives in his mother's basement?
I'd go with the second one.
But it's not like it's that simple. I'm not one of those gaylord losers who still plays D&D every Saturday night, and gets off to Uhura from classic Star Trek. I'm just classically, and genuinely fucked up, and damn if I don't know it. Emotional scarring, and all that psychological paradigm bullshit.
I'm one of those twits that fell in love with their best friend in high school, never got over it, and has spent the rest of their life unrealistically trying to compare any new girl they meet to what never was.
Ain't that a fucking mouthful.
But it's true. I've had years to think about it, and the answer finally came at the bottom of a case of Heineken. When it still made sense when I had a couple days to sober up, I realized, bing bing, we have a winner.
So what does one do about that? How does one go about turning their life around, learning to love again, to move on?
Fuck if I know.
OK fine, you want the happy ending answer? I track her down, find out she just got out of a bad relationship, I suddenly appear at her side once more to comfort her, she finally realized what she should have years ago, we fall in love, awwww, the end.
Great. Have a fun time selling that to Disney, I hear they're buying old cliches.
Here's the real world response to that scenario: I track her down, find she's married to some dickhead accountant, has two kids, and I can't ever have her, so I go home and get drunk, crying as I masturbate to her old yearbook photo. Much better.
So knowing that, what to do then? I'll tell you:
Get drunk, cry, and masturbate to her old yearbook photo.
At least I save four hundred bucks on airfare.
User Reviews
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-20 15:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT A PICK-ME-UP! THANKS!
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-09-20 14:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The problem is you're looking for something that doesn't exist.
Sure... I've thought I was in love a few times, but every girl makes the fatal mistake of blowing me after I've had it in her ass and then trying to kiss me.
Even if it's indirect... NEVER go ass to mouth.
Just because the synapses or whatshit are firing, it doesn't mean you love someone. It just means you REALLY REALLY wanna bang 'em.
Once you have, the rest is downhill and you'll ALWAYS find something better.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-20 13:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, good writing.
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2006-09-20 13:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn good post.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-20 10:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I rated this yesterday.
My fault.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-09-20 10:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Never go running after them...for fucks sake they are only women.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-20 09:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-19 19:19:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and just a random question:
I've posted 3 times in the past 3 months. Haven't really been a mainstay, consistent and all that. And yet on every post, PFF's been there to rag on me. So the question is,
Anybody else find his determination to fuck with me just a weeee bit stalkerish?
I mean really, this has been going on for like 18 months now.
Seriously, go back and check. 75% of my posts have him insulting me in the comments. And the only crime I've apparently committed is "looking and writing gay."
So PFF, what's the deal? Really, I'd like to know.
I don't think it's you personally. he shits on all my posts.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-20 09:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damnit.
Why you gotta be writting stuff like this around UM?
Man...
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-09-20 06:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-20 03:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I must be an excellent writer, cause waaaaaay too many people think I'm writing from personal experience.
Read the comments, people. I'm 19. Two years ago I was *in* high school.
And let there be no more confusion on the matter.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-20 02:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72626
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-20 00:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
filename
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-20 00:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You'll get out of it.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-20 00:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
19.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-09-19 23:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I'm wondering. How old are you?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-19 23:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude. Tonight? Fuck chicks dude. Fuck. Chicks. I just wanna dance.
I feel kind of the same way right now. For the past year or so she's been telling me how much she misses me and how badly she wants to see me. Then, out of nowhere, two years after our three-month-long relationship ended, she apologizes for it.
I decide to give her another shot. I found myself in her area recently and invited her out to lunch, but she was busy. I didnt have any other free time so we didnt see each other, and now she blows me off online and doesnt return my phone calls.
The sad part is I couldnt have cared less two weeks ago. Now I feel like shit over it.
Fuck chicks dude. I just wanna dance. I dont wanna see a chick all night.
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-09-19 21:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep on stalking man, that is the only way into their hearts.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-09-19 21:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The title says it all.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-19 19:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and just a random question:
I've posted 3 times in the past 3 months. Haven't really been a mainstay, consistent and all that. And yet on every post, PFF's been there to rag on me. So the question is,
Anybody else find his determination to fuck with me just a weeee bit stalkerish?
I mean really, this has been going on for like 18 months now.
Seriously, go back and check. 75% of my posts have him insulting me in the comments. And the only crime I've apparently committed is "looking and writing gay."
So PFF, what's the deal? Really, I'd like to know.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-19 19:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-19 19:14:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Man. Ambiguous, I know.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good last line.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
phone call?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
splendid
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:12:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Different paths, FAC. I fell in love with my best friend from high school, but we're together now.
By the way, are you a man or a woman?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-09-19 18:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You couldn't sleep with a decent looking girl next door, who the fuck are you kidding
http://stuff.ubersite.com/1151797052213328160/1/gaytwink.jpg
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-09-19 17:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boohoo.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-19 17:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sad but good.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-19 17:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
furburger!
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-19 17:48:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't fuck jessica simspon....