Sniffing paint can lead to sex with a bearded lady and a gullet full of nickels (1275 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2006-09-20 22:15:29 EDT
Dear Ubersite forum,
I never thought it would happen to me. I know other people say "I never thought it would happen to me" and then it happens, but they're deceiving you. They always knew it would happen to them. Whereas I did not. Know it would happen to me.
I was getting some chips from my apartment's storage room vending machine when I stumbled upon two of my neighbor children in a huddled mass in the corner.
"Hello, nymph jailbait. Hey, gay kid. What are you guys doing?"
I tend to remember people in descriptions, because I'm terrible with names.
"Oh us? Nothing. Hey, those are natcho cheese Doritos. They're mine. How did you know I was gay?"
"Yeah, That's very amusing," I said. "I can tell bad jokes too. What did the philosopher say when a rooster straddled his neighbor? What came first, the chicken or your leg? As far as the gay thing goes, it's pretty obvious. Your hair looks like a pair of leprechauns are dueling over the rights to bury their gold in your forehead, and you dress like an extra from Less Than Zero. If it walks around on all fours, barking and sniffing crotches with a wet nose, it's either an institutionalized Jewish lesbian or a pizza, and we wont know until the oven is finished preheating. By the way, there is an open paint can behind you. You better put a cloth underneath it before you have a spill."
"We're sniffing paint, idiot. We gots to get high, and we can't afford weed."
"If you're strapped for cash, you could always go down on an old man."
"But I wasn't planning on coming out for years!"
"Hey, when life gives you lemons, make lemonparty.org."
"Please help us! You must have aerosol or something."
I found myself swayed by the pleas of children. Soon they accompanied me to my apartment and we made a drum circle with our hands and thighs as we inhaled the lacquer I recently acquired for use on my kitchen cabinets. To pass the time before my brain function began to diminish I regaled them with my theory that Mike Skinner is untrue to his own nature because he denies himself the sweet pleasure of a fresh-brewed nickname like Iced Tea or Chamomillionaire.
Then I blinked, and I was lying in my back with a sock in my mouth, which was rapidly filling with nickels. The boy hovered above my head with a hammer of some variety.
"I'm going to smash your face in," he warned, "until it's small enough to fit into the tray at your nearest Coinstar machine, which will sort the nickels and provide me with a receipt for the value of eighty percent of my change."
"You wouldn't dare hurt me," I replied, "because of my close relationship with several Nigerian princes. I failed to elaborate after the coins overwhelmed the valiant efforts of my tonsils to prevent me from choking. Luckily I had some sand remnants between my toes leftover from my last trip to the beach.
"Sand up in your grille, motherfucker!"
And he was blinded. I was spitting out crazy wisdom and plenty of good cents, which left me open for a surprise attack from behind. I wheeled around only to find a surprise of my very own. A girl no longer before me stood. In her place stood a lady. I know it was a lady because she had a beard. It was real; I pulled it. She could not have been an underage girl with a spirit gum-applied beard because underage girls do not know what spirit gum is.
So we indulged ourselves in a little bit of the old intercourse. Everything seemed to be going to plan, until I glanced down and observed that my pubes were rather straight and in much greater number. Upon brushing them aside to get a better view of my testes I discovered that somehow my entire reproductive system had morphed into Suri Cruise. I attempted to delay orgasm for fear of inadvertently giving the child SIDS, but hairy faces make me finish quickly. I had to take a piss.
"Excuse me while I drain the spinal fluid."
Through the slits in my window I could observe the neighbor's dog glaring into my eyes. That fucking dog was some type of genius. It knows how to use an abacus and what a pearl necklace is. The other dog they had was recently hit by a car and killed. Sadly, that dog was no genius. I blacked out.
I woke up this morning in a pile of my own filth, a collection of Linkin Park videos. In a display of kindness I felt obligated to rewind them all.
Later that day I caught the Wonder Twins in the parking garage. She was clean-shaven and he had his eyesight, so I am beginning to doubt the veracity of a few of my previous statements. I wonder what they're doing later.
What I have learned from my experience is that if one is to huff paint, he should also inhale turpentine, to dilute the possible loss of brain function. That advice is not just coming from me, but is also recommended by the only doctor I trust. Dr. Mom.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-21 10:28:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-09-20 23:32:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha
I can't wait for Pentameter to read that. I think of her like a sister. But if you pay close attention, Donkey and I do not have similar writing styles.
Screw it, I'll take credit for all of his posts. It's all me.
-------------
As they say, incest is best.
I can assure you, VelvetElvis, Tinactin and Donkey are NOT the same person. And I would know.
_________________________
FOURSOME ALERT!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-09-25 17:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to bring back lemonparty! Woo! Ugh, sicky...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-24 18:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fantastic.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-21 16:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty good for a dirty Mexican
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-09-21 16:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My hoo-ha tingles with delight! Fetch me the victims!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-21 15:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
* blinks *
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-21 10:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-09-20 23:32:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha
I can't wait for Pentameter to read that. I think of her like a sister. But if you pay close attention, Donkey and I do not have similar writing styles.
Screw it, I'll take credit for all of his posts. It's all me.
-------------
As they say, incest is best.
I can assure you, VelvetElvis, Tinactin and Donkey are NOT the same person. And I would know.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-21 09:53:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hey, when life gives you lemons, make lemonparty.org."
------------
Gold
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-09-21 08:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guh?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-09-21 07:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will appease the masses ( or that one guy) with a review. You, my sun baked, small m'ed mexican, made a shitload of mistakes in your post. That is probably why the connection between you and I was drawn.
By the way, there is shit streaming down the walls of our new house.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-21 06:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Midianthia (user info) at 2006-09-21 05:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My god....this is so fucking funny
i don't know what the fuck ur going on about....but it made me smile
xxx
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-21 01:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-21 01:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Random fucking hysterical
Submitted by Von_Tristof (user info) at 2006-09-21 01:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hey, when life gives you lemons, make lemonparty.org."
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-20 23:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More of a guess really
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-20 23:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you are one of my alters.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-09-20 23:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha
I can't wait for Pentameter to read that. I think of her like a sister. But if you pay close attention, Donkey and I do not have similar writing styles.
Screw it, I'll take credit for all of his posts. It's all me.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-09-20 23:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell yes. Long time no Tinactin. (I have a sneaking suspicion that you are Donk on the Edge, ie: when one of you post, the other magically appears in reviews after months of absence. I really couldn't care less, btw, good stuff.)
Just watch, Donkey on the Edge will review.
Well, now i've jinxed it, he may not.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-20 23:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Check the ID, and then sniff the hiney. It's the only way to tell their true age.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-20 23:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, this is full of shit. There is no way that you could have fit a sock into your tiny mexican mouth.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-09-20 23:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, asshole. This story included slight hyperbole. And I felt it unneccesary to check her ID, as her beard was clearly grown in entirely.
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2006-09-20 22:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
so you screwed an underage girl?.....
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-20 22:48:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what just happened here but it was fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-09-20 22:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-09-20 22:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-20 22:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haven't read it yet.
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2006-09-20 22:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fantastic.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-20 22:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
[insert "tough actin'" joke here]
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-09-20 22:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is actually really good. If you ran for President, I'd vote for you.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-09-20 22:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In the actual true story I was attempting to write about, I sprayed hair spray up a kid's nose. But I got lazy and started typing whatever popped into my head.