Taking a Dump After Office Hours, and the Secret to Pulling Women from Ethnic Minorities (2344 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.95 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG <joe_green_2006.at.yahoo.co.uk> (View user info) at 2006-09-21 11:42:39 EDT
Everyone has moments in their life they would rather forget. But the very nature of these moments ensure they stay ingrained in the memories of yourself, and anyone who was there to witness you at your worst.
Personally, I have a whole bunch of incidents that haunt me, and keep me awake in cringing torment whenever the thought of them surfaces in my mind:
There was the time when a very attractive lady invited me back to her place after a night out and when I went to say "yes", something caught in throat and I vomited red Aftershock all over her skimpy white dress.
On another occasion, I was waiting for a former girlfriend to come round for a pre-arranged sexual lunchtime liaison. Hearing the doorbell and not expecting anyone else, I threw open the door, sporting only a Zorro mask and a huge hard-on and shrieked "get on this, bitch!" at my Aunt Ethel who had "popped round for a cuppa on the off chance".
And of course, there was the time when my Mum caught me masturbating at 13 years old over the naked shower scene in "Nuns on the Run" (I had very limited access to any sort of porn as a child, so resorted to freeze framing films in our family VHS collection that had any chance bush sightings). This, along with the time I caught my Dad going down on her, are one of the few things me and my dear old Mum have vowed never to speak of again to each other.
My mind is a vault, full of nightmarish memories and harrowing visions of hindsight. I pray for the day when selective amnesia is available on the NHS.
In my job, I have the freedom of working flexi-time, although I do tend to stick to 9-5 whenever possible. However recent times have seen an uncharacteristic increase in the amount of beer being consumed on school nights, and the resulting hangovers have led to a number of mornings where I haven't arrived in the office until 10.30, and the time needed making up.
I bit the bullet and decided to have a late night. I would order a pizza to the office, and make the hours up by trawling E-bay for useless crap.
By 6.00pm, I was the only person left on the floor. I chucked the last piece of crust from the pizza back into the box, placed the box in the bin, took a long swallow from my can of coke and let out a satisfying belch. The burp resounded and echoed in the empty office.
How cool was this?!?! With no-one around to exercise social etiquette with, I could do what the fuck I liked. No more covert lifting of the right butt cheek and sneaking a fart out in 3 or 4 discreet little bursts, oh no. I had one coming, and I was gonna let this bad boy out, loud and proud.
I stood up on my chair, and began to squeeze the relevant rectal muscles in order to release the toxic turd-cloud when a better idea hit me. I wasn't going to waste this into thin air.
Keeping the pent up gas inside my bowels, I went over and sat in my boss's chair.
"Haha!! Here's to climbing the corporate ladder, fuck face!!" I exclaimed, and let rip with the noxious nastiness. It wasn't my best ever, but it reached a good level of decibels, sustained a 5 or 6 second duration and hit a straight 8 on the old stench-o-meter.
But I couldn't be contained at just this. I was like a kid in a candy store, as I went round scratching my balls by the water cooler and putting my feet up on the desks. After a few laps round the floor on one of the mail trolleys, nature raised its head, and immediate bowel evacuation was called for. God damn that Hot and Spicy pizza.
After hopping to the toilet (literally hopping - I didn't know when I might get this sort of chance again) I selected the nearest cubicle, and unloaded the sloppy contents of my colon.
There are few things in life as satisfying as taking a real good shit. Adversely, there are few things in life more frustrating than taking a real good shit, and then discovering there is no toilet roll to deal with the aftermath.
"Awwwwwww, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.........."
This has happened before, but it was just a case of waiting for someone to come into the toilet, and getting them to pass a loo roll from the other cubicle under the door. But I was here after hours, and all alone. No toilet hero was going to rescue me this time.
After pondering this for a few seconds, I realised I was going to have to make it to cubicle at the other end of the toilets. I knew I was alone, but it still makes you paranoid to walk through a usually public rest room with your trousers round your ankles, your tackle on display and a shitty backside.
I opened the door slightly and peered into the fluorescent lit room. I could see the other cubicle, just 15 feet away. It would be a 10 second waddle, tops. I opened the door fully, and made my way across the room. I arrived at my destination, and quickly bolted the door shut behind me before I realised.
"BOLLOCKS."
Was there a fucking toilet paper thief here or something? What the fuck? OK, time for plan B. My only other option was the paper towels on display next to the sinks. I opened the door, and went for them.
Just as I was grabbing a suitable amount, and thinking I would get away with this, the main door opens, and in barged 2 Jamaican cleaning ladies. It took them a second to realise what they were seeing. When they did, the first one piped up.
"Sorry, we did'na realise people still be here at dis time", she stated, and backed out of the door. The second one just stood there staring me up and down, shaking her head. Rather than following her companion out of the door, she picked up her mop, and began washing the floor, right around my ankles. I stood there, frozen in shock and wondering what to do. Before I could say anything, she proclaimed in her thick Yardie dialect:
"You English is fuckin' crazy. And if you wanna shit in ma sinks, then it gonna cost you an expensive meal and one hell of a good fucking, y'know".
Simple as that. I retreated into the cubicle and contemplated what had just happened. I had just been propositioned by a short black woman, in a state of semi nakedness and with a shit stained asshole.
My list of personal shame has a new entry. I'll file it under F. As in "For fucks sake why does this shit always happen to me?"
User Reviews
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-01-31 01:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-31 00:12:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-10-17 14:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Got here via a Dr.Natura linkage...
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Call Miss Cleo next time you habin' to be shittin
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeh +2
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2006-09-22 09:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, I took a dump in the sink.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-22 05:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is good.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-09-22 04:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-22 04:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:54:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
So you fucked her, right?
----------------------------
It was a tempting offer, I mean who wouldn't wanna shit in a sink? But I'm too much of a cheapskate to fork out for an expensive meal into the bargain.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-22 03:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-21 13:56:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
~~~
way to go on breaking his +2 streak n00b.
You do this alot.
I can't wait to see you write a post..
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-21 23:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in shock and awe here... I'm all like, "What's he gonna do next, all the good ideas are already taken", and then BAM! You come up with this.
Now if you excuse me, I'm going to fondle my nipples in delight.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-21 20:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:01:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-11 23:17:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are swiftly becoming one of my favorite authors.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So you fucked her, right?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is for the Jamaicans and their struggles with the bald heads.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-09-21 17:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-21 16:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My favorite new user of 2006
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-21 16:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-21 14:49:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have worn your iPod in the stall while you were doing your business.
Birthing torpedos while the soundtrack to "Fame" plays in your head is to die for.
------------------------------------------------
Other classics to cack to include "Bright Eyes" from Watership Down, "Teenage Frankenstein" by Alice Cooper, and of course (after spicy food) Johnny Cash and "Ring of Fire".
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-21 14:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have worn your iPod in the stall while you were doing your business.
Birthing torpedos while the soundtrack to "Fame" plays in your head is to die for.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-21 14:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:56:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man that's hilarious! It's good to see that all the new people aren't shit.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-21 14:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-21 14:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-21 13:06:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
I see you used the clown face.
I used the clown face too.
Aces.
------
You can't go wrong with the clown face.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-21 13:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-21 13:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Buahahahaha, true or not that was some funny azz shiat! Really loved this line! "Hearing the doorbell and not expecting anyone else, I threw open the door, sporting only a Zorro mask and a huge hard-on and shrieked "get on this, bitch!" at my Aunt Ethel who had "popped round for a cuppa on the off chance".
Fucking classic.
Submitted by Wicked (user info) at 2006-09-21 13:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-09-21 13:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-21 13:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see you used the clown face.
I used the clown face too.
Aces.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:48:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I had very limited access to any sort of porn as a child, so resorted to freeze framing films in our family VHS collection that had any chance bush sightings"
It is so nice to know that I wasn't the only one who had to resort to this tactic
-----------------------------------
My Dad did have a porn mag stash from like the 60's, but I was put off by the mouldy smell and yellow tinge to the pages
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the naked shower scene in "Nuns on the Run"
----
YES.
+2 for that right there.
I also liked the bit at the end where the nun's clothes came off, revealing her scanties.
Well done, old bean.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I had very limited access to any sort of porn as a child, so resorted to freeze framing films in our family VHS collection that had any chance bush sightings"
It is so nice to know that I wasn't the only one who had to resort to this tactic.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh - funny
Submitted by Uberjunkie (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:25:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, and now I am headed to the loo myself.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your secret is safe with me....
...and all those mexican cleaning ladies I will be pulling at my office.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to rub my balls on everyones keyboards when I'm at work after hours.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're such a welcome new writer here. This was hilarious.
I've recently been staying at work a little late, and some of the idea I get..I don't trust myself.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awkward.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-21 12:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:56:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man that's hilarious! It's good to see that all the new people aren't shit. Where do you hail from Joey?
--------------------------
Swindon. It's the residential equivalent of a kick in the bollocks.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man that's hilarious! It's good to see that all the new people aren't shit. Where do you hail from Joey?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You made me laugh...in spite of your extremely faggy Uber name.
Submitted by Midianthia (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:54:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me....You sure are quie unlucky....but it serves you right for that fart...
KARMA - what goes around comes around
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-09-21 11:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
made me grin