Top Ten lists crack me up..... (811 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrSeussman (View user info) at 2006-09-21 17:09:51 EDT
I know one's already been dropped out there today but I started working on this so thought I would finish it anyway. Ever since my first serious relationship with a lady who was addicted to these stupid lists and quizzes, I have always found them funny. I happened across this little gem today on ASKMEN.COM.
http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_top_ten/4_dating_list.html
So I give you the......
Top 10 Things To Discuss On A First Date
(Shortened of course to save you most of the drivel)
10. Avoid her past
Generally speaking, one should never ask about past lovers on a first date. (I thought this was a list of the 10 things TO discuss on a first date, not what to avoid. And if we aren't talking about her past how the fuck are we going to find out who the hell she is, what she's done, what she likes etc. Not to imply that most of us men really care but hey for the sake of the article I would think it's important. I mean who the fuck came up with this one anyway? I'm thinking the writer had to come up with a last minute TOP TEN list and ran out of shit to say.)
9. Got any brothers or sisters? Usually a safe topic of conversation is asking about siblings (don't ask her if she's got cute sisters). (Oh this is just ducky "Yeah but he died at birth" or "she got ran over by a runaway beer truck and dragged for 500 yards before the truck crashed into a gas station and exploded." I say let her bring that up, she's more than likely going to talk your ear off anyway so when she brings up a sibling then you can inquire about him/her. And why the hell wouldn't I want to know if her sisters cute and or old enough to ride the bologna pony? If this date goes to crap I might see if your sister is better than you. I hope to god your entire family isn't lame.)
8. Traveled anywhere special? A tricky way to spark a girl's interest is by asking about past travel destinations and where she intends on visiting in the future. (Tricky way to spark a girl's interest? OK, ladies does this shit really work? I'm thinking it's a setup for a line more like "Well I went to the free clinic last week" or along the lines of the future question "Well if you're lucky we might be going to Planned Parenthood" ICK, fuck I mean how many women have come back with an answer like "Well last year I spent 5 months backpacking around India and the paint festival was awesome" or "Last summer I went to the Burning Man festival"? Not many I have talked with. The best answer I think I have gotten outside the US was Mexico.)
7. Drinks anyone? Again, not only can you gauge whether or not you share culinary preferences, but the potential topics are endless and provide you with a safe topic of conversation unless, of course, you are dating someone with an addiction to food or alcohol. (LOL how the hell would I know if she had either addiction if it's a first date, unless of course she IS her own zip code. Of course this recommendation isn't half bad. Many of us guys/gals have gotten lucky by getting the other a little sauced. Loosens the inhibitions on both parties especially if one or the other is nervous. This one is a pretty decent top ten.)
6. Any career plans? Asking a girl about her past education and whether she intends on returning to school is admittedly a double-edged sword. (It babbles on to say she could brag about her achievements or state she hates her job and has nothing to do with what she studied. Still both of those are better than what a lot of women get from some of us guys. I have to hand it to ladies on this point; you very rarely if EVER hear a woman say she is still living in her parents' basement and is jobless. If you get that one run like the wind, don't even pay the check just excuse yourself to the bathroom and don't come back. Unless of course she's wicked hot and you ain't had any in a while. But make sure she doesn't know where you live.)
5. How's your job? If you are years removed from your college years, then talking about work and career goals just might be a safer topic. (Notice the keywords here, "years removed". I say this is about the stupidest thing you could talk about on a first date. I mean the last thing she wants to do is bring up shop talk the first time she has a new experience. Especially if she does in fact hate what she does for a living. Besides if she does something simple like production work there isn't going to be a lot to talk about except maybe some guy she goes to lunch with everyday. Avoid this one at all costs.)
4. Got any friends? Ask her about her friends. Even if you do not know them, she will love to tell you about her circle of friends. (WTF? If she doesn't have any friends there are bigger issues at hand. I think a better option would be "So tell me about your friends. Chances are unless you just walked up to her cold you already know some of her friends. But this is another pretty good question as you can learn a lot about anyone form the circle of friends they have. I can let this one slide too.)
3. Free time frolicking Does she roller blade, collect stamps, or dance? (Collect stamps, are you fucking kidding me? There's a date to remember, "WOW you collect stamps! I collect bubble gum I find underneath restaurant tables!" Jeez that has to be the lamest thing I have ever heard and I can't speak for the rest of you guys but if I meet a stamp collecting chic she better be hot little senorita otherwise, "Will you excuse me, I need to go to the restroom". As for dancing, in 37 years I have only met one woman who did NOT like to dance. Come up with some better questions about what she might do or just leave it at "What do you do in your spare time.")
2. Weekends Peakin' Not only do you get a clearer picture of what life with her will be like after the honeymoon, but you are also sending mixed messages, which is not entirely bad at first. Yes, mind games are childish, but keeping your cards at your chest gives you leverage. She will ask herself: "Does he want to see me on weekends?" (This is the biggest load of horseshit so far. First, if you are thinking what things might be like after the honeymoon on the first date, you shouldn't be on a date, you should be in therapy. I mean do people actually do that shit? About all most of us folks are thinking is one of two things which are either "how the hell can I get out of this as fast as possible" or "hey I might get laid tonight". And of course we all love those little mind games don't we folks? SCREW that shit! I don't want them tried out on me and I don't intend on doing that crap to someone else. Especially someone I might be interested in. Besides I have found that most women I am interested in would prefer me to say "Can I see you this weekend" as opposed to anything else. Even better if she asks me that question.)
1. Be bold and look ahead Now, assuming she is having a good time, is looking at you with that sparkle in her eye and her body language is positive, you can look ahead and talk about other things you could do together in the future. (By future they mean later on, at your apartment, with the candles lit and the can of cool whip. If you are thinking beyond that pal it better be the upcoming weekend. Again this is a FIRST date and if you are thinking about what kind of dog you are going to get together or what the drapes should look like in the house, you need therapy, NOT a girlfriend.)
I wonder if I could get Schlongy or one of the ladies to do one of those Cosmo quizzes and put in their two cents. I bet that would be some funny shiat.
User Reviews
Submitted by krystalblue (user info) at 2006-10-20 14:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Coloful writing from the master..........
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-22 14:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
c
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-22 10:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-22 09:38:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow after our verbal volley ball yesterday I am impressed, thought for sure you would trash it just for the halibut. Thanks.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-22 10:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-09-22 00:10:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done. I work with a girl who is always doing those fucking quizzes. LAUREN, PLEASE JUST LET ME DO ONE MORE FOR YOU!!! It's really nice to know that if I was going to be a backup dancer for someone, it would be Christina Agmalaria. Sometimes I'd like to know whose job it is to make up those stupid things so I could punch them in the stomach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Or a donkey punch could work.....
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-22 10:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-21 23:29:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
The thing you have to understand is, once you have them on the date, there is really no need for conversation. Everyone knows what's going to happen. Sex. That's right, sex. As an alternative to speaking, I usually like to pantamine the scene from "The Princess Bride" when Wesley fights one of the ROUS's. By the end, they usually are ready to make me go down to the "Pits of dispair".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are a master my friend, freaking awesome!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-22 09:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-09-22 08:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Werd.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-09-22 00:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done. I work with a girl who is always doing those fucking quizzes. LAUREN, PLEASE JUST LET ME DO ONE MORE FOR YOU!!! It's really nice to know that if I was going to be a backup dancer for someone, it would be Christina Agmalaria. Sometimes I'd like to know whose job it is to make up those stupid things so I could punch them in the stomach.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-21 23:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See what I mean?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-21 23:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-21 23:29:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
The thing you have to understand is, once you have them on the date, there is really no need for conversation. Everyone knows what's going to happen. Sex. That's right, sex. As an alternative to speaking, I usually like to pantamine the scene from "The Princess Bride" when Wesley fights one of the ROUS's. By the end, they usually are ready to make me go down to the "Pits of dispair".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know I would be.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-21 23:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The thing you have to understand is, once you have them on the date, there is really no need for conversation. Everyone knows what's going to happen. Sex. That's right, sex. As an alternative to speaking, I usually like to pantamine the scene from "The Princess Bride" when Wesley fights one of the ROUS's. By the end, they usually are ready to make me go down to the "Pits of dispair".
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-21 20:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks all for the +2's.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-21 20:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-21 19:47:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
I always ask if the girl is into hypnosis. if she says no, I pull a pocketwatch from my...pocket, and throw it across the resturant and repeatedly slam my head into the table while repeating the mantra, "Fuck fuck fuck, I knew the hypnosis thing was stupid" until I am asked to leave the establishment by management.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fucking great man~! Classic for sure. A buddy of mine would always, when the conversation was lacking, just pick someone random out of the crowd and say "Boxers or briefs" or "thong or bikini"? I was always amazed at how into that game they got.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-21 19:58:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:33:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Always ask about tats and piercings.
------------------------------------------------
That's a great opener! Because if they got them, they flaunt them and you might just get lucky on the location of said tat or piercing.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-21 19:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:16:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I suppose asking if she swallows is out of the question?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The good Drseussman recommends you ask that question AFTER you finish, unless of course you want to see her again.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-21 19:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always ask if the girl is into hypnosis. if she says no, I pull a pocketwatch from my...pocket, and throw it across the resturant and repeatedly slam my head into the table while repeating the mantra, "Fuck fuck fuck, I knew the hypnosis thing was stupid" until I am asked to leave the establishment by management.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always ask about tats and piercings.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suppose asking if she swallows is out of the question?
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-21 17:57:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Something NOT to ask on a first date:
"Can I do you... in the pooper?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Oh you can ask but don't be surprised when she says "Can you excuse me? I need to go to the bathroom"
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-21 18:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-21 17:55:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
heh - funny.
another thing NOT to ask on a first date: parenting advice.
seriously
----------------------------------------------------------------
Wow is that creepy! I take it some freak did that to you? Again FREAKY.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-21 17:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something NOT to ask on a first date:
"Can I do you... in the pooper?"
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-21 17:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh - funny.
another thing NOT to ask on a first date: parenting advice.
seriously
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2006-09-21 17:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks guys, especially schlongy since he's usually tearing me a new arse!
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-09-21 17:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-09-21 17:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Par usual...