Grueberfest 06: Round One - Walking Spanish (655 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2006-09-24 16:28:42 EDT
The old man was doing what he did every evening at twilight, walking Spanish.
The team, as always, had been given only what information they needed to get the job done.
The old man was a widow. Every night he stepped out the front door of his home in this quiet Hartford suburb and walked Spanish, the ugly little mutt his wife had gotten from the pound years ago.
The team had the man's address, and a selection of recent photos. They did not know his name, or occupation. If he had a carry permit they would know about it. If he was any kind of physical threat, they would have that information.
The team knew each other only by code names. Fries, Tall and the Chinaman. They had all worked together before, and they knew that one old man had no hope against them.
The Chinaman had already opened a small panel at the base of a streetlight and pulled a wire, leaving one corner of the street dark.
"What do you think?" Fries asked. He was a heavy man who couldn't resist take out food.
The Chinaman shrugged. "Who knows? I figured it had to do with the trial coming up. Didn't the bosses have all the witnesses taken care of?"
Tall nodded. "Yeah. Maybe this guy knows something about how they died. Who cares? We do the old guy, and quietly, calling no attention to ourselves here guys, get paid, and that's that."
As planned, the team spread out. It was unlikely that the old man would get by any one of them, but if he did, the others would be ready to step in.
The old man moved slowly. He passed Tall, and Fries, both hidden. As he drew close to the Chinaman and stepped into the pool of shadows under the disabled streetlight, all three team members saw that the old man was walking with a cane.
The ugly dog stopped walking and yipped, and the Chinaman stepped into view.
"Don't make a fuss old man," the Chinaman said, revealing a long knife. "I'll make it painless."
The old man simply gaped. Still holding the dog's leash, he raised his cane. His hands were shaking.
The Chinaman stepped forward.
The old man wheezed. "Please don't hurt me." Then he drove the end of the cane into the Chinaman's left eye.
"Hey," Fries whispered. "What's goin' on?"
"Shut the fuck up," the Tall man whispered back. "I can't see anything either."
The Chinaman felt a flash of pain in his eye and then that part of his face went numb. He reached up to grab the cane. Thinking he could still somehow save his eye, he decided he would skewer the old bastard alive.
Just as the Chinaman wrapped his fingers around the smooth wood of the cane, the old man pushed hard. Very hard.
The steel tip of the cane broke through the wall of bone at the back of the Chinaman's eye socket.
The old man jerked the can back and forth as if he were churning butter.
The Chinaman felt his feet skipping, dancing. He heard himself say, "Jub-jub-jub," and then his awareness was gone.
As the Chinaman fell to the pavement the old man kept pushing down with the cane. When the Chinaman's bowels let go, the old man withdrew the cane.
Still holding the dog's leash, the old man turned back for home.
"Holy fuck," Fries whispered. "What the fuck is that stink?"
Fries realized that the old man was walking right by him. He stepped out of hiding holding a slim leather bag full of lead shot and said, "Freeze!"
The old man turned and then squatted slowly.
Fries looked down, confused. He saw the old man unclip the dog's leash, and then the old guy swatted the dog in the ass.
Letting out a series of yips that were very loud for this quiet street, the dog ran down the street.
Fries turned, only for a moment while he wondered if the dog was going to draw any curious eyes, and that's when he felt the slender leather leash slipped around his neck and pulled tight.
Certain that he could shake the old man off, Fries shifted his body to one side then the other, unaware that he was exerting himself and using precious oxygen.
Black spots streaked across his vision. He dropped his sap and fell backwards. He landed on the old man, knocking a puff of breath out of the old bastard that smelled like peppermints.
The last thing Fries was aware of doing was rolling onto his side and trying to get to his knees.
The old man sat on Fries back like a cowboy on a horse, pulling on the leash as if it were reins.
When Fries was dead, the old man slowly got to his feet.
The old man took only a few steps before Tall's hands closed on his throat.
Tall had no idea how the old man got by the Chinaman and Fries, but it would end here. He leaned down. He liked watching them die.
The old timer reached up and raked tough, yellow old man fingernails across Tall's brow.
Blood began running into Tall's eyes and he let go of the old man, only to realize that the wounds were nothing, head wounds always bled like a motherfucker.
The old man stepped inside Tall's reaching arms, his mouth open wide.
Tall thought the old fucker was going to kiss him, when he felt a tearing pain on the side of his neck.
The old man stepped back, pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, and wiped blood off of his chin.
"Jesus," Tall gasped. "You bit me."
He raised his hand to the wound and felt panic for the first time in years. Warm blood was spilling over his fingers.
Tall took one step and dropped to his knees. The sidewalk was slick with his blood.
He looked at the old man, knowing he was done.
"What the hell are you," Tall asked. "A hired killer like us?"
"No," the old man said in a quavering voice. "I am a coroner. And the trial I will testifying in soon will likely be that of your employer, and his part in some very suspicious deaths."
Tall fell on his side.
When the man had bled out, the old man called the dog.
The ugly little mutt approached slowly, and the old man scratched him behind the ears.
"Sorry old fellow. Let's go home, huh?"
The old man let the dog stop for a pee, knowing that when he finished walking Spanish and got home he would call the police.
User Reviews
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-10-18 11:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not your best.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-04 15:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
I love Tom Waits, but this WAS a bitch of a title- I know the song and still didn't know what it meant.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-04 15:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was pretty good, although it didn't grab me like a lot of your work does.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-04 13:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-04 13:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's a shame you didn't know what the title meant before you wrote it, as I'm sure it goes without saying the story would have been different. Not that I knew what the hell 'walking spanish' meant before I read the reviews. Tricksy Aussies. You just can't trust 'em.
I think a problem I have with this is that I'm so accustomed to watching you develop characters within a story that I had trouble buying the old man was capable of taking care of three younger guys who should have really had the drop on him. The story is fine as it is - it accomplishes what it sets out to do. It just seems...flat. I guess I just want more, because I'm used to getting more.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You should be ashamed of yourself. :)
Actually not bad, but you didn't proof it, did you?
The old man would be a widower. That just stuck in my craw for some reason.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way the Chinaman died
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-24 23:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep. So called because of the way people walk when you hold them by the seat of the pants and the scruff of the neck.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-24 23:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Walking Spanish is also known as 'the bum's rush'. (Google)
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-24 23:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-24 23:10:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-24 22:50:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Walking Spanish means walking to be executed, you silly old bugger.
_____________________
Not on the PROPER side of the globe...
:)
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I'm pretty sure it's Yank slang, actually.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-24 23:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry. I should've explained.
I'd be happy for you to have a do-over.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-24 23:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-24 22:50:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Walking Spanish means walking to be executed, you silly old bugger.
--
If I spent less time fucking the dog and more time studying slang I might have known that...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-24 23:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-24 22:50:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Walking Spanish means walking to be executed, you silly old bugger.
_____________________
Not on the PROPER side of the globe...
:)
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-09-24 22:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the interpretation. They're doing this again?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-24 22:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Walking Spanish means walking to be executed, you silly old bugger.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-24 20:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This doesn't warrant a 2, although I did enjoy the story. There were a few typographical errors that really didn't pull away from the story, but I just felt left out of the story. I wasn't drawn into the characters and I actually felt that the silly code names detracted from the seriousness of the story.'
Overall, a solid 1.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-09-24 19:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack makes lemonade from a lemon again.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-24 19:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-24 19:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5- You did well with a hard title, though
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-09-24 18:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-09-24 18:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry man I hate to do this, and it's no offense to you, but this is just okay. Not good okay, mild okay. The wording was awkward in points, I didn't feel any reason to connect or care about the characters, and the end failed to grip me. The revealing of who the old man was was unexciting. Also there are a few spelling errors.
0.5
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-24 18:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your writing.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-24 18:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story for a crappy title. Maybe a good title for something else,
but tough for Grueberfest.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-24 17:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
""The old man was doing what he did every evening at twilight, walking Spanish. ""
Okay, +2 for that alone, you clever bastard. I'll go actually read the story now...
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-24 16:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-24 16:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-24 16:40:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this, but I don't understand how one little, old coroner could take out three professional killers. Expert knowledge of anatomy will only take you so far.
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Agreed, 100%. Like I said, there was fuck all I could do with this title, and the theme of GRUEbermadness.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-09-24 16:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-24 16:29:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Hell's bells, this is the best I could do with this title.
=======
Works for me...
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-24 16:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this, but I don't understand how one little, old coroner could take out three professional killers. Expert knowledge of anatomy will only take you so far.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-24 16:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hell's bells, this is the best I could do with this title.
Congrats, Stagger.