Three Sheets to the Wind (1035 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.41 on 96 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-09-25 00:00:22 EDT
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Entry 1
I sit at your feet. I have my head in your lap as I gaze at you in adoration. You stroke my hair as you are drinking your beer. You tell me about your day. You tell me about a problem at work with a coworker. As you tell me, your hand tangles into my hair and you start getting rougher with me. I know that you are getting angry and that you will be taking it out on me. You finish the beer and tell me to get up and get you a bottle of rum. I realize that you want to get drunk and that when you do you will be violent. You always are. I bring you the rum and kneel back down at your feet. You keep telling me about the problem at work. As you drink you get rougher and rougher with me. You have your hand in my hair and are pulling it hard. I know better than to yelp or scream as that will only make it worse. I calmly ask you if I may go to the bathroom and pee. You release me and slap me across the head and tell me to go. I escape to the bathroom. Only I don't intend to merely piss, I am going to smoke a joint to deal with the pain that I know is coming from you. I know that I could leave.But I love you.
And I love the abuse.
I come back and am stoned off my ass. You look at me and realize that I am stoned and I can tell that you are seriously pissed. You get up and after taking a big swig of the rum you come over to me and backhand me across the face. I stagger back, covering my head. You follow me and slap me relentlessly. Finally you reach out and drive your fist into my stomach.
I double over, arms over my belly. I go to my knees and I look up at you. I know not to beg or plead. But I plead with my eyes.
Please. No more.
With a smirk, you haul off and kick me in the tummy. I retch. You order me to our room. I heave my body across the ground down the hallway. As you follow you kick me between the legs. By the time I make it to the room I am crying. You order me to get on the bed. I do so and you tell me to get on my belly. As I lay face down I feel you grab my arms. I feel the coolness of steel around my wrists and know that I am being cuffed to the bed.
You roughly secure me to the bed. You come to the head of the bed and look at me. I see the anger in your eyes, but I also see the love that you have for me. I know that you won't take it too far. I return the look and let you know with my eyes that the feelings of love are mutual.
I look at you and see that you have removed your belt. As I watch you raise it up and bring it down across my ass as hard as you can. I whimper and again you drive it across my ass. Again and again the piece of leather rattles my body. After five lashes I am crying and after ten I am howling in agony. You lash me again, but this time on the small of my back. I yelp and try to move away, but I am helplessly tied to the bed. I hear you laugh and feel the sting of the belt as it strikes my back. After ten more lashes you stop.
I look up and see you picking up a pair of scissors. You reach down. Slowly and methodically, you snip off my clothes, being careful to not let the scissors make contact with my skin. You throw my ruined clothes on the floor. You stare at me. I watch your eyes as they run up and down my nude body. Your eyes fixate on my cock and I yearn for you to pleasure me, but I know that I don't deserve it.
You climb onto the bed beside me after stripping naked. You reach up and grab me by the hair. You pull my head back and look me in the eyes. You can see the fear and the pain I am feeling. I see lust in your eyes. You move up so that your crotch is in my face. I see that you are hard as a rock. You shove your 8 inch cock into my mouth. I start sucking and feel you move in me. You move faster and faster. Your dick goes deeper and deeper. I start gagging and you keep shoving until you are driving down my throat. You tense and I feel you start to cum. You cum streams endlessly out of your stiff member. I swallow and swallow but am unable to get all of it down. It dribbles out of my mouth and down my chin. Your softening, pulsing cock slips out of my mouth and you let go of my hair. My head falls down on to the bed.
I can tell that you aren't finished with me yet and that more abuse is in store for me. You move from my head and stretch out beside me. You start rubbing my body slowly and sensually. You start at my neck and move on down. When you get to my ass you give it a very hard slap. I yelp from the shock and pain. As the sting slowly recedes you start rubbing between my ass-cheeks. I feel your fingers at the entrance to my butt. You start to penetrate me and as the pressure increases it gets more and more uncomfortable. Soon it is no longer pleasure. This is true pain and lots of it.
I start trying to move away, but you have me secured to the point that I can only move a few inches each way. You have no trouble keeping up the pressure. You insert first one then two then three fingers up my butthole. It feels like an impossibly large butt-plug. The agony is intense. I do everything I can to stay quiet. It doesnt work. A loud scream escaped my lungs.
You rip your fingers out of me and again I scream. You grab the belt and start whipping me on the bare ass. I start begging and pleading for you to stop from the very first lash. You keep on. I lose track of the lashes at twenty, and they all begin to blend into one endless nightmare. I constantly scream. Finally the whipping stops and I am in total agony. My throat is raw from screaming. You lay down on top of me and I can feel the hardness of your cock.
You reach down and aim at my asshole. Once you have it in the right spot you slam into me, forcing apart my sphincter. The pain is intense. I have never been fucked while dry I'm not ready for it. I scream and you laugh. My pain is fuel for your lust and my screams of agony are music to your ears. You fuck me with a drunken but measured rage. I can only lay there and take whatever you wish to give me. Finally after what seems like an eternity I feel you tense up and know that you are about to cum. Just as you start you rip out of me. I feel your cum shoot on my back.
You roll off me and reach out and hold me close. You tell me how good I am and how much you love me. I am still crying and moaning from the pain. You rub me gently and murmer words of love to me. I know that you are my master and owner. I have given myself to you completely. I am your whore and slave. I love you and trust you completely.
Sleep well my lover and abuser. I will be here when next you wish to have me.
We'll just tell Aunt Harriet we're on another fishing trip or something.
- VS -
Entry 2
A parchment in a buried empty bottle of rum.
---
Our atrociously lovely ship drifted amidst the heavy fog of Capetown seas with its sails fully closed. Visibility was a matter of only a few feet, but there was a tone of fearlessness, almost indifference among all of us. Men sharpened their swords and polished their pistols and smoked cigarettes, and whispered. More than a whisper would simply not be tolerable to The Captain, but by those days, we all simply believed in him.
I was a bit of a character too, I suppose, and if I'm writing this story for you, I guess you should know a little about me. The name's Murphy, and I was the ship's resident engineer and all around "educated man." I was also a hell of a clever young buck back then, and The Captain knew I could be trusted, making us a dangerous pair. Maybe that's just what I'd like to think, though. Maybe I was just useful to him.
On that foggy night off Capetown, I was sitting on the second deck quietly shootin' the shit with Antioch. He wasn't the brightest fella on board. In fact, he might have been the dumbest, but he had a good way about him, one that even I grew fond of. He was kind of a big lug, but honest, and loyal, and tough as a bear.
All of a sudden, Charlie landed on the banister between Antioch and me.
"Engage the weapons. CREAWNNHHH! Engage the weapons."
Then he just flew off.
Now, let me tell you something about Charlie. He was The Captain's parrot, and he was second in command. I guess it wasn't really in the sense that he had much intellectual input on things, being a parrot and all, but his orders were to be considered the second highest in hierarchy, as they often came from The Captain himself. Admittedly, we all looked ridiculous on more than a few occasions that Charlie told us to man the stations in the middle of the damn night, but to disregard Charlie's order, if legitimate, would mean facing the Captain's sword for charges of mutiny. He'd never just have you executed, either. He'd toss you a blade and then establish a duel. Needless to say, after all the times it must've happened in the last 40 years on the seas, 35 as a Captain, he was still standing, and his eyes were still fiery.
I glanced out into the milky white all around us where I couldn't see more than a few feet, and then right back to Antioch. He shrugged and lumbered toward the Warbox Hatch. As you might guess, it led down to the Warbox where we could initiate the combat systems. I followed him of course, but first, a little bragging.
I actually invented the Warbox. It was pretty much a stone box right in the middle of the ship that had 4 seats facing their respective walls, giving access to the levers and switches and wheels controlling their respective weaponry. "Murphy The Smith," I was called in our circles. Smithy to the crew. Not to brag, but I do have to admit that I mechanized the most incredible Pirate ship to ever sail the seas.
I guess I didn't actually say that we were pirates, but of course we were. We were all pirates. We were the Pirates of Captain Quinn, Captain of the Killer Clover, and we were to be feared at the least and revered at most, but always feared. Piracy was a bit of a lost art in the new and changing world, but it takes a long time to lose a whole way of life, especially when the finest captains had the finest ships. There was never more reverence than those days. The Imperials and their ships were formidable and to be evaded at all costs, but destroyed if necessary. We were an unknown. Sure, there were stories of a ship with clear sails, that was even faster with them down, but no one could put a name or face with any of us. A few odd reports of a Captain wearing a shimmering cloak in the sun. It was actually a light chain mail he could unclip and swing like a metallic net. He enjoyed wearing it during the day sometimes when he wanted to practice on a few seagulls. Realistically though, if anyone got close to us, save a few Pirate ships, the vessels were sunk and the survivors didn't survive.
Over the years, I had implemented revolving cannons, and then revolving chain cannons. We had chain guns as well. There were harpoon launchers to grab whatever we needed. I also invented the buckshot pipes and shrappers. The buckshot pipes were nothing but a series of metal tubes that all led straight to a wrought iron drum beneath the floor of the Warbox. When the buckshot cartridges were fitted to the gunpowder drum and the whole apparatus was bolted into place, the explosion in the drum could create the equivalent of giant shotgun blasts, straight from the hull, in essentially 360 degrees. Shrappers were my explosive cannon balls, and they delivered unadulterated violence. The Gun Ports extended from the ship's hull and could be moved by the gunner with levers right in the pod. A series of mirrors ran throughout the entire vessel and men in the Warbox could essentially fire something powerful, with precision, in any direction. We were truly dominant. Sure, it was a bitch to rewind the hundreds of enormous bands and reload the weapons after each onslaught, but when we let it go and got those spinning cannons up and kicking, we could take on an armada.
And I was going on the word of a bird that I can't imagine could see much further than me that night. At least he didn't tell us to engage the Spinning Fin. The bands on my propeller were a bitch to rewind and trusting the Bird could mean running aground if he simply got into the rum again. Antioch and I disengaged the bands, which began to slowly unwind, automatically engaging the weapons. Glancing into the mirrors, there was nothing to see but fog in every direction. All around us, we could hear the gears of war grinding into action for an unforeseeable purpose. Redeye the Albino and Clarksy the Chief Gunner dropped down into the Warbox and took their seats.
"Clarksy, what is it? I can't see anything out there, but at least it's not just Charlie fucking with us, eh?"
"I can't see shit. Smithy, this one's straight from Quinn. He's pacing on the deck."
"Pacing?"
"Set the weapons to 30 degrees."
"This is Three Sheets to the Wind, utterly daft. That can't be right."
"Just do it."
"Setting to 30. He's pacing, did you say?"
I didn't have much time to wonder because it was right then that Quinn yelled a single order.
"PORT SIDE FULL ASSAULT!! FIRE!!"
We had never fired a full assault in my 20 years on the Clover, certainly not since all the upgrades, and to be honest, we were all a little excited just to do it. What a waste, though. The weapon bands were all at speed. The stations were manned. And then, raw thunder. Dozens of cannons, rifles, and chain guns made the whole ship rumble. In less than a second, we heard massive impact. I couldn't believe we were hitting something, but whatever it was, it had to be close. Close, and huge. I moved from switch to switch and lever to lever. A series of bangs or blasts resounded after each one. Right in the thick of the attack, who dropped down the hatch but Quinn himself? His eyes were wide, frantic. I'd never seen anything like it.
He screamed as loud as I'd ever heard.
"KEEP FIRING! HARPOONS, NOW!"
Instantly, Redeye and Antioch yanked the handles above their heads. I could just barely hear the additional pops and then the harpoon chains being reeled in through the deafening explosions. It seemed like by the time I actually realized what Quinn had said, he was gone. A moment or two passed and I figured the guns had another 15 seconds or so when the entire port-side mirror vision went black and red. In protocol, Clarksy called for a cease fire and threw on the master band locks. A moment later, he disappeared up the hatch. Then he peaked back down an instant later.
"You're not gonna believe this. Get up here."
My ears were ringing, but I forgot about it almost instantly when I hopped up and saw what we were holding. It was the largest ship I'd ever seen. It looked to be a hundred feet above our own behemoth of a vessel. The side we were holding had a massive smoldering hole at least 65 feet in diameter. Parts of the hole were blown clear through the ship, but 2 of the harpoons had actually locked into significant internal beams. They would hold. I designed them.
There was small arms' fire from deep within the enormous victim, which I quickly realized must be our boarding party trying to deal with resistance. More and more of the Clover's crew flooded the ladders leading into the gaping wound we had made in the side of this leviathan. I may be a man of knowledge, but I'm a pirate. I grabbed a revolver and a sword, but Quinn caught me by the arm.
"Not you. Upstairs."
We entered The Captain's quarters, a loft on the top deck.
"Murphy, The Clover is my ship. I have been its Captain for 28 years. It's been rebuilt a dozen times, most at your suggestion. The Clover is mine. The Killer Clover, while your finest achievement, is also mine. The Goliath, however, is ours."
"First man back! CRENNAWWH! First man back!"
"Captain, I..."
But he was already following Charlie out the door, so I followed just behind. Lyle was leaning on the Captain's deck with a smile, a cigarette, and a blood spattered sword. He was likely the leader of the first boarding party and I could still hear gunfire. But why wasn't he reporting?
"SO??" I'd never heard Quinn have such a childish excitement in his voice.
"It's there."
The Treasures of the East India Company, containing loot from every corner of the globe. The amassed loot of legendary pirates. Aztec Gold. East Asian relics. African Gems. Imperial cash. The Goliath turned out to be the largest, thickest ship ever commissioned to date, sailing for English royalty we surmised from the logs. It was well armed, but the ambush was unforeseeable, sudden, point-blank, and ballistic. The hull was meant to be unharmed by naval warships, but there was no way to expect the Killer Clover and its brutal onslaught.
We didn't leave survivors. We never had before and weren't going to start just then. Hell, we were a myth if anything, and always would be now.
After a makeshift patch on The Goliath's hull, both ships set sail for Three Sheets to the Wind, one of the last, but most legendary pirate paradises. I guess it sort've had a double meaning. First, it was the kind of thing you only find if you set the sails for nothing and happen to hit it. "Three Sheets to the Wind" was the famous last heading for many a pirate in this dying age of piracy, and a famous last state of mind. If you happen to land in a pirate's cove, you were surely blessed by the sea. Furthermore, everyone on that lawless island was a drunken sailor as drunk as a drunken sailor. The loss of direction that comes with being "Three Sheets to the Wind" was apparent as we cruised into port and saw men falling off the docks at our mere appearance.
When we arrived with The Goliath and its exceptional treasure, the crew of the Killer Clover had a lifetime to figure out what that place would mean for us. It would be a lie to say we didn't spend it for the sake of vices, but how else were we to spend such world renowned treasure than on women and drink? Most of us stayed there to die rich pirates, though some left with their piece of the loot. I never left the Killer Clover, which never really left port again. I never really left the Captain, either. He was the cornerstone of my infamy, and that ship was my pride. Many memorable things happened during those years, but I best remember the moments when revelers would ask how he could've possibly known that The Goliath was there in that thick Capetown mist. He would always just laugh. Those men that were there that night would laugh too, even though we all wondered just the same.
Sure, we were all pirates, but Captain Quinn could feel treasure in the fog. He could slay giants, blind.
---
My knife was my piracy. May this tale and this blade find you rich and well.
Entry 1:
absolutes
apollo88
BadAssJulie
c1ndy
calbearspolo
darko
DonkeyOnTheEdge
DrogoRoch
Durae
EchoBoxing
firefly
ghola
HotWillie
inion_de_trua
MandaPanda
Method
Midianthia
pen_name
professorfuckface
satchel
SPECIALk
Spooner
Stagger_Lee
viciousness63
Wiggles
22 eligible votes (25 total) *
Entry 2:
Adamdidit2u
Amontillado
august_sobriquet
Axolotl
Bigmike
Bob_Dole
Brdn_Nkd
Bubba2341
CaptainThorns
Chroniclysm
Circe
coley
Confuzitron
Coyote
Cracked_out_cali
Crystle
Davros
FunnyAsCancer
Genko
GetNakeddd
goferforhire
gravitas
Hirilnara
icarus1987
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
intellismartness
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JMG114
joedaddy
JoeyG
JonnyX
justagirl27
kaos-king
kybernetikum
littledan
loki
Magicaddict
Merlina
NerfHerder
Orgasmatron
Pentameter
rad1101
ripple
Sacrilicious
Samo
scourge
Serious_Melvin
shandythedog
Shaun_Rocks
sicosemen
simple_catalyst
Soley_Trinity
sparkle_pink
St_Jimmy
stevie_says
strwbryfanatic
The_Yellow_Dart
thorpe
Wicked
William_Q_Percy
WingedFoote
60 eligible votes (63 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-27 18:48:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:43:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I feel your fingers at the entrance to my butt."
--
"I am Jack's complete lack or surprise."
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-09-27 10:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-09-27 05:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-27 05:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-09-26 23:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2 demolished #1.
HARD.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-26 20:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm a pirate.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
though i didn't find number two particularly engaging, i cannot vote for the gheyetry that is number one.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
amazingly enough, I wrote both of these stories at the same time in the last UberMadness...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72222
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
These were both pretty decent.
#1 will suffer because of subject matter, but was pretty well written with a nice twist.
#2 was very enjoyable.
-Dave
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I feel your fingers at the entrance to my butt."
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't like either entry. The first was pointless. The second kept rambling about mechanical stuff that wasn't interesting and I thought the characterization was cheesy.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dear god
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #1 needs to just come out of the closet already
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-26 11:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-26 03:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, well, anything is better than gay erotica. nothing against gays, but, it aint my cup of vodka.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2006-09-25 22:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the funny picture.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Picture
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-09-25 18:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
one had an awesome picture. everything else sucked.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-25 18:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAR!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-25 17:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't like either.
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was an obvious bid for the gag factor, and not much else.
#2 was cute, even sharp at points, but the plot felt jumbled and the details gave me anachronistic jet lag. It felt like one of Xena/Hercules spin-offs where it felt like I was supposed to be in some manner of science fiction world where people have access to electricity and mass production, but for some reason still run around using muskets, sabers, and sail power, and no one quite knows why.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #2, I find the whole pirate thing overdone, but you put effort into this and actually told a story.
Having said that, it would have taken 1/10 that effort to best the deplorable piece of garbage that is #1.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
utter shite.
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GHEY! GHEY!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really like #2!
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it turned me on till it went gay, after that i went well what the hell. then i saw the aunt harriet and the picture and laughed till i almost peed. then i read the second one, and just thought this one was better and still well written despite being gay porn.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ugh.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Wicked (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because #1 was just plain WRONG....
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-25 10:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ugh.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-25 10:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-09-25 10:09:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-09-25 09:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
pirates
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-25 09:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-25 09:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1...what the fuck?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can I change my mind...
Dammit.
+2 to number 1 too. Just read it again.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just fucking excellent.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number two, I apologize. Stupid fucking picture....
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Midianthia (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not enough gay in entry 1.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-25 05:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-09-25 05:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-09-25 05:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-25 04:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SO tough. both brilliant.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-25 04:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-25 03:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, could these two stories have been any more different???
#1 - Well written and I was amused that you didn't reveal the narrator's gender as male until halfway through - clever. However, in the end, it was simply a shock tale of rough sex. And the picture at the end pissed me off.
#2 - Also well written, although the bit about the bird seems slightly, um... unbelievable. Yet, the tale of pirates with advanced weapondry was just fun. And that's really what won me over here - this was just a FUN story.
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not into the whole drunken gay sexual bondage and raping thing. And the line "He could slay giants, blind" was fantastic...
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tummy? WTF?
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry one was shorter.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 - Awesome Uber-themed shock at the end. Tooooootally did not see that coming. Too bad it grossed the hell out of me, getting there.
#2 - Ya really beat the "Three Sheets" thing into us, toward the end, didn't you? Little more subtlety next time, boyo.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't even focus after reading number one with all that gay shit. I just voted for #2 as the lesser of two evils. It might be good, I'll go back and read it someday...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:23:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
if entry one loses by a single vote, i will never forgive myself
------
that's okay, because i regret not voting for entry two.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought entry 2 was really good, and it's always nice to see a different type of story for Ubermadness.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if entry one loses by a single vote, i will never forgive myself
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1 was just a ripoff of Brokeback Mountain. I kid, I kid. I thought 2 was better though, it had its moments.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You have got to be joking.
If Entry 1 wins it'll be like UberMadness was anally raped.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
is it wrong that I masturbated to this?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
apologies to entrant one
i was too hasty, i didn't realise there was a homoerotic onslaught awaiting
if i could recast my vote i would
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the love of God.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
didn't finish either of these, but got further with entry 2
entry one started ok - the hand in the hair stuff was good - but i had to stop when i got to the melodramatic single sentance paragraph onslaught:
But I love you.
And I love the abuse.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
W
T
F
and PIRATES!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:09:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was mildly amusing, I suppose. Entry 2 was not so good...
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hope you both get bone cancer
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
but they were both bad.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I vote for #1 because of this line:
"Our atrociously lovely ship drifted amidst the heavy fog of Capetown seas with its sails fully closed."
I mean, wtf man?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Such a good title to waste on a couple of fucking clowns.
Submitted by viciousness63 (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:04:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol