Bleeding Red Ecstacy (2281 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.24 on 137 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2006-09-25 00:40:18 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
I woke up with a sore throat this morning. This was nothing unusual in itself; I would imagine this happens a few times a week. Still, the way I felt was enough to give me pause."Good Christ," I said, as I rolled from my bed and collapsed on the floor. At least, that's what I tried to say. The word caught in my parched throat and stung the roof of my mouth. I coughed, and it produced a sharp, stabbing pain that made me feel as though the flesh in my throat was cracking. Just tearing right the fuck apart and gushing blood down my raw pipes.
The sounds of my distress awakened Claire. She sat up, the sheet falling from her body. Her tangled hair hung in her face, and she looked at me with sleep-induced confusion.
"What's with you?"
My attempts to reply were not coherent. In fact, they were barely audible. The words wriggled in my mouth, unable to escape from their dry prison.
She sighed. "For fuck's sake. Go have some water." She lay back down and pulled the covers over her head once more.
I rose from the floor, my mouth burning with the pain, and some indefinable sense of shame burning into my mind.
I made my way to the bathroom, flicked on the tap and guzzled the water with unabashed greed. It cascaded down, soothing me, quenching the fires with clean, cold salvation. I stopped. The pain returned almost immediately, but it was lessened in its force, calmed by the healing water.
I looked at my face in the mirror. I looked haggard, as though I had not slept in days. The skin seemed to hang loosely from my face, pockmarked and leathery. As I stared at this hideous thing in the mirror before me, another dry, twisting cough racked me and I spat a wad of thick, bloody phlegm into the sink. It stuck to the side of the basin and settled there, refusing to move from the porcelain shore in the drain.
Disgusted, I ran the tap and flicked water onto my bloody leaving until it washed away into the pipes. I ducked my head and gargled some more water. I was now developing a deep, throbbing headache. I turned from the sink and pain sheared through my skull, nearly driving me to my knees with its force. I clutched at the sink to steady myself, and I saw the tips of my fingers split, very slightly, and leak tiny stains onto the white surface.
I was dismayed. I regained my footing and hastily wiped at the bloody counter, before staring intently at my fingertips. They seemed reluctant to keep on bleeding; in fact, I could not see the cuts that they had developed mere seconds before. I felt a rising sense of panic, a black, almost physical presence in my mind. I stumbled from the bathroom and down the hall. At first, I kept one hand on the wall to steady myself, but then, with the irrational fear that it might break open and bleed, I removed it from the wallpaper.
I fumbled with the doorhandle and returned to the bedroom. Claire was fully awake now, and looking at me with actual concern.
"I heard you coughing," she said, her eyes darting over my face. "Are you okay? It sounded pretty bad."
Inexplicably, I felt ashamed that she had heard me, as though coughing or sickness was something to be hidden, an ugly secret not for public view.
"I'm fine," I said. An uncomfortable silence fell, and I realised that I had not merely spoken; I had snapped.
"Oh. It just sounded really...painful."
"No, it's alright. Sorry. Really. It did hurt a bit, though. I think I'm just tired. Sorry."
She smiled, slightly tentatively, but a real smile. "Come lie down. Get your rest. I'll call work for you. You need a day off, anyway." I began to protest, rather feebly, and she waved me away and rose. She went to get the phone and I slid between the cool sheets.
Claire returned in a few minutes. She had made some attempt to brush her hair, but the knots had won their battle, as they usually did. She smiled at me again, a warmer smile this time, and now there was a certain glint in her eye as well.
She slid into the bed next to me and curled up against me, nuzzling her face into my neck. I could not have been less in the mood. My body felt useless and worn. But then she kissed me, and it was as though something was set off just below my skin. A flush of warmth radiated outward from where her lips touched me.
Her hand caressed my chest, and wherever her fingers brushed me felt unnaturally warm. I didn't question it. I was burning now, not just in my throat. The sensation was enveloping my entire frame, swallowing me whole. My skin felt electric, overly sensitive. I felt solid, immovable, invulnerable, unstoppable.
Claire curled her fingers around me, and from then on I couldn't help myself. I rolled on top of her and pinned her down. She looked slightly worried, perhaps sensing my odd state of mind. I couldn't explain it myself. I didn't care enough to tell her this.
There was a customary moment of awkwardness as I tried to find the correct angle, and in that moment, I almost felt normal again. But then I pushed into her, hard, and Claire was not expecting such violence. She gasped, in mingled pain and surprise, but I didn't apologise or lessen my advance. In that moment, and the moments that followed, my inflated sense of invulnerability and ego soared to previously undreamt of heights. I was the fucking sceptre of god. I felt liberated and caged.
My mind was at once distant and fully in control. I was helpless to stop, yet I controlled every movement precisely. Claire reached a hand up toward me, in supplication. Her face was concerned; there was no pleasure in this for her. I grabbed her wrist and forced her hand back down to the mattress.
I coughed again, suddenly, surprising me, temporarily throwing off my rhythm and sending a gout of hot blood from my mouth to crash upon Claire's frail skin. No phlegm in this one. She yelped, and tried to wriggle from under me, but I was strong, man, I was the goddamn Rock of Gibraltar, and her struggles could have no effect upon me. I caught her other wrist, and my fingers cracked and spurted. I viewed this with dispassion as the blood ran over the white sheets in stark, vivid contrast.
It was then that my skin split wide open, in an almost perfectly straight line down from the hollow of my neck to my stomach. Claire's eyes widened and her face contorted and a scream tore from her throat. Blood cascaded from my body in a scarlet, burning flood, yet beneath my skin was not raw flesh and twitching muscles. There seemed to be another layer of...something. I couldn't discern what it was.
But I was not worried. This was all correct and proper. It was meant to be this way. I hurtled towards the brink of climax, safe on my way to becoming something more than I already was.
- VS -
Entry 2
The glove slams into his face for the third time before he remembers to duck,
and a voice is screaming to him:
"Thank you! At least you figured out you can't break his fist with your face.
Now hit him BACK!"
The bell ending the first round is followed by the coach charging into the ring
and grabbing the boy's bloody red face with both hands. The hands tremble with anger.
"What the bloody hell were you doing in there? Why were you looking at the crowd
whilst he pummelled you? Why the fuck are you smiling?"
Desmond's dripping face lights up with a smile made more grotesque by his mouthpiece.
His eyes have a far away look, as though he is already concussed and about to go under.
"Coach, I saw her. Out there, in the front row. She is back, coach, she really is."
Coach Tomlinson turns to scan the front rows and sees only one woman, a fat old black
lady stuffing her face with popcorn and grinning. That certainly isn't the boy's dead
sister, so what was he blathering on about? No matter, he thinks, I've got to keep this
kid from being murdered, let alone win the fight.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please take your seats. Round two in thirty seconds."
When the bell for the round sounds, the coach again grabs the boy's face in his hands
and looks into his eyes.
"Boy, there's no one you know out there. Look only at your opponent, or he will
slaughter you. You are a better fighter than he, but you have to hit him to take
him down. Do you understand?"
The boy grins and shakes his head, but his furtive eyes tell a different story.
His attempts to look at the audience are scaring the coach, and he considers calling
the fight right now. It's only a secondary school preliminary, so what if it's a blow-out?
This kid has talent when he is on his game, which he isn't today. Better to sacrifice
some honour than suffer a serious injury.
The bell rings and stops the coach's thoughts. He slaps the boy's back and says,
"Keep your wits about you, boy. Watch him. He can pound you if you give him a chance."
Thirty seconds into the round the boys drops his fists and turns to the old black woman
in the front row. His look of pure adoration is not returned by her, as she starts
screaming to 'kill the little fucker'. Unfazed by her distant words, the boy takes
a step towards her as his opponent circles between them. The look of ecstasy on his
face is that of pure, unbridled love.
"Sis, I knew you weren't dead. I knew it. I told them you'd be back to watch me in
the ring once more. I'm so happy you showed."
The woman has a moment of confusion at the words, but quickly sneers when she sees
the other fighter circle and step between them.
"Tha's right, you jes keep talkin' while he whup yo ass."
The coach begins to scream and looks for the towel, intending to toss it into the ring.
Before he can lay hands on the white cloth, the punch lands. The boy is lifted off of
his feet and hits the mat with a mushy thud. The white towel arcs into the air above
the ring, a dove fluttering and flapping its way to the mat.
Coach Tomlinson leaps into the ring, knowing the crack he heard with the punch was
the boy's neck. His sight is drawn to the woman in the seat, who is no longer old
and black, but young and smiling.
"Don't worry, coach. Charlie is with me now, and I will take care of him. Go home."
Entry 1:
Adamdidit2u
Amontillado
apollo88
Axolotl
Ballare
Bigmike
Bob_Dole
c1ndy
CaptainThorns
Coleslaw_Murphy
coley
Confuzitron
Coyote
Cracked_out_cali
Davros
DonkeyOnTheEdge
DrogoRoch
EchoBoxing
FilthyAssistant
firefly
FunnyAsCancer
Genko
GetNakeddd
ghola
goferforhire
gravitas
Hirilnara
HotWillie
Impassive-Digressive
jgreening
JMG114
joedaddy
kaos-king
kimmy02721
kreutzf1
littledan
Merlina
Method
morontian
NerfHerder
Orgasmatron
Pentameter
r1nce
redskieslookfake
ripple
rob_berg
Sacrilicious
salmonofdoubt
satchel
Serious_Melvin
shandythedog
Shaun_Rocks
sicosemen
Soley_Trinity
Spam
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
Stagger_Lee
stevie_says
strwbryfanatic
Wiggles
William_Q_Percy
60 eligible votes (62 total) *
Entry 2:
Brdn_Nkd
Bubba2341
calbearspolo
charminglybeef
Circe
Crystle
darko
Durae
GodLovesALittleLovin
indoninja
intellismartness
Jack_McCallum
JoeyG
JonnyX
justagirl27
LadyK
loki
madddonkey255
Magicaddict
MandaPanda
rad1101
Samo
scourge
simple_catalyst
St_Jimmy
The_Yellow_Dart
thorpe
Wicked
WingedFoote
24 eligible votes (29 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-04 05:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The protagonist had a sort of disturbed state of mind, and he viewed the relationship in a rather twisted, controlling manner. It's fairly safe to say that most of the story didn't literally happen.
Submitted by Hypatia86 (user info) at 2006-10-03 12:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it... but it left me guessing at the end, no real resolution... What was underneath the tear? What exactly happened after he had climaxed? Did the girl freak out and run out into the streets naked or what? You should slap a "to be continued" on that and keep up the story.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-02 05:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I felt that it had potential, but that I didn't explain myself clearly enough, nor did it read quite the way I wanted it to.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-10-01 23:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry Stag, I was pretty harsh in my review.
This was one of the first I looked at, as the title caught my eye.
I think my expectations for the first round were a little too high. In reading it again, it was well-written, and extremely tight.
I don't think it's up to your typical quality as far as the story itself goes, but is certainly one of the better submissions of the first round.
I'd be curious to know how you felt about it...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-01 10:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Far be it from me to be remiss in my gentlemanly duties:
Stag, you wrote an excellent story while I posted a piece of crap.
I couldn't make the title work. Congrats on the win.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-10-01 10:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-01 09:24:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Until the giveaway, I thought charminglybeef might have written #1. Congrats, Stag.
------
Probably cos I don't usually try and tackle anything with sex in it. Cheers Saccy.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-10-01 10:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Am I the only one who noticed that "ecstasy" is misspelled in the title?
:-/
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-10-01 09:24:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Until the giveaway, I thought charminglybeef might have written #1. Congrats, Stag.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-29 23:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
tough title
and i don't see anything wrong with the way #2 looks on the page
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-29 22:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
60 to 24. Oh, I SUCK>!!!!!!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-29 21:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:06:53 (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, the fact that thorpe was the only one voting for #2 would make me think this is his match-up...
But I really don't see him coming up so short, while no-name-newbie goferforhire does so well.
--------
Well, you were right, but for the wrong reasons. Entry 1 was me. But gofer is quite good.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-29 21:07:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry for being so mean to your story Bubba. I hope we can still be uber friends.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-29 20:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Johnny, I AM NOT ENGLISH. Fooled your ass, huh?
Yeah, I fucked up changing the name at the end; that's what I get for pasting shit from two different versions of the story.
I thoght formatting would be a minimal consideration, but I guess I was wrong. I suppose I should format it just the way everyone wants me to.
Not a fucking chance. . . . .
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-09-29 03:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No comment... yet.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-09-29 02:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-29 02:11:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Late comeback no. 2 wooooo
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2006-09-28 23:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-28 05:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
best title ever
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-09-28 05:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-09-27 22:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Lord.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-09-27 15:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Number 2 was seeped in mediocrity and Number 1 had a tense that really annoyed me.
In the end, I've gotta go with one because I finished it with a vague curisoty as to what actually happened to the poor chap.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2006-09-27 10:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-27 05:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OH I KNOW WHO IT IS
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-27 05:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was written by a woman
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-09-27 05:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-09-27 01:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was weird as hell but it was written much better.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-09-26 18:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
horrendous
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-09-26 17:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2006-09-26 16:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1: good, brutal imagery.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-09-26 15:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-09-26 14:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Number 1 felt incomplete.
Number 2 is destined to become this years "Paid in Full"
-Dave
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2006-09-26 13:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Both of you should lose.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I suppose
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-26 12:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-09-26 09:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-09-26 02:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Both were good posts, but, the ending of the first one got my attention.
Submitted by LadyK (user info) at 2006-09-25 21:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfair, ending it there. Otherwise, fantastic.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Can't say I really liked either.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-09-25 18:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That happened once.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-09-25 18:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nice formatting entry two. hahahahahah what a fag.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-25 17:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Number #1, stringing together a shitload of adjectives doesn't make a story, just so you know.
#2 was shitty AND English.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-25 17:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, this was the easiest pick so far.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-25 17:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay. Entry 2 was written better than entry 1. But I went with #1.
Author #2 is too much in love with his thesaurus. It was over-written, and there were a lot of things that bugged me, including the unresolved ending. The girl wakes up and sees a guy with hanging, leathery pock-marked skin and hardly reacts?
Author #1 needs to pay very careful attention to proofing and checking the layout in the preview mode. Otherwise, while a bit corny, it was more of a story and not a purple vignette that leaves us wondering wtf just happened.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both were good, but I felt #2 was more of a complete story. #1 seemed like just the intro to a kick ass story.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh.
Submitted by madddonkey255 (user info) at 2006-09-25 15:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Admittedly, a bit of a toss up.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kreutzf1 (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-09-25 13:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Wicked (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Sorry to you both, but I thought these both sucked.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and i was WRONG
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i was somewhat torn. title on two, but it was generally cooler and shorter so i think itll win. thus, voting for one.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 made my head hurt.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea.. uhh.. I just don't like bodily fluids. I can't stand to see people spitting.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe it's because I don't pay attention, or maybe because it's me not rating the format, but how can you tell who this is based on that alone?
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-09-25 10:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-25 09:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus. Everybody knows which matchup this is.
Learn to format, for Christ's sake.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-09-25 09:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-09-25 09:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There was a customary moment of awkwardness as I tried to find the correct angle, and in that moment, I almost felt normal again.
that wins it for entry 1
entry two almost stole it with the use of 'whilst'
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:35:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't care for either. If I had this unfortunate title, I would have done it about some teeny bopper who thinks shes knocked up and then cries with joy when she starts ragging again.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't notice the name change, but I envisioned the girl sitting there smiling, mute. I thought the coach was the one doing all of the yelling...
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a close one. I've been coughing up bloody phlegm for the last 2 weeks, so I could relate, just not to that splitting in half and bleeding all over my girlfriend part.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And that second one could've easily been me, based on how the votes are going.
Glad I didn't enter this time
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a tough decision for me.
I didn't like the ending to Entry 1 and Entry 2 seemed a bit too cliche of an ending.
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dodgy, dodgy title.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-25 06:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:30:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, I've got to quote one more line from this:
"His sight is drawn to the woman in the seat, who is no longer old and black, but young and smiling."
I don't know what to make of this. The guy's name is Desmond (or Charlie, depending on how far you are in the story). Furthermore, we know that the woman undergoes a transformation from being black to being non-black (or "smiling"). Oh, I think I'm on to something here. The boxer goes from being Desmond to being Charlie. Okay, okay... so... two characters possibly change race as the story progresses. The fat lady disappears when the young lady is seen in her place. I'm assuming the fat one dies. Desmond dies, but in his place, there is Charlie. So... maybe there were two ghosts working together (the one *disguised* as Desmond's sister, and Charlie). Their goal? To find two host bodies on the verge of death (it is well known that ghosts can only overtake bodies on the verge of death). Here's how the plan went down. One posed as Desmond's sister (to distract Desmond). The other made the black lady really hungry, causing her to eat excessive junk food and die of a heart attack. When the host bodies reached near-death, Charlie overtook Desmond's body, and the ghost posing as Desmond's sister overtook the fat black lady and morphed the body into her young, smiling self. Now, that explains why the young girl was able to speak to the coach at the end; she had a host body, she was no longer a ghost! And that is why she wanted the coach to go home: presumably, Desmond changed forms as well.
Now that I understand Entry 2, I regret my unwarranted criticism. Please retract it from the record.
______________________________
Melvin, you need a job with Cliffs Notes!!
#1 blew this away, while #2 got all the commentary.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 06:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Woooo
I predict a massive comeback
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-25 06:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 06:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yay
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-25 06:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 05:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If Author 2 is a woman they seriously owe me sex after this.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-09-25 05:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-25 04:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tough one but number 1 better
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2006-09-25 04:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2006-09-25 04:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-25 04:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-25 03:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah...
#1 - What a grotesque manipulation of body fluids! What a vile overall experience for the wife! What great use of the title!
#2 - I see what you were going for, but that last line sucked. Strange formatting issues as well. Too bad you had to go against the other story.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 03:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:30:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, I've got to quote one more line from this:
"His sight is drawn to the woman in the seat, who is no longer old and black, but young and smiling."
I don't know what to make of this. The guy's name is Desmond (or Charlie, depending on how far you are in the story). Furthermore, we know that the woman undergoes a transformation from being black to being non-black (or "smiling"). Oh, I think I'm on to something here. The boxer goes from being Desmond to being Charlie. Okay, okay... so... two characters possibly change race as the story progresses. The fat lady disappears when the young lady is seen in her place. I'm assuming the fat one dies. Desmond dies, but in his place, there is Charlie. So... maybe there were two ghosts working together (the one *disguised* as Desmond's sister, and Charlie). Their goal? To find two host bodies on the verge of death (it is well known that ghosts can only overtake bodies on the verge of death). Here's how the plan went down. One posed as Desmond's sister (to distract Desmond). The other made the black lady really hungry, causing her to eat excessive junk food and die of a heart attack. When the host bodies reached near-death, Charlie overtook Desmond's body, and the ghost posing as Desmond's sister overtook the fat black lady and morphed the body into her young, smiling self. Now, that explains why the young girl was able to speak to the coach at the end; she had a host body, she was no longer a ghost! And that is why she wanted the coach to go home: presumably, Desmond changed forms as well.
Now that I understand Entry 2, I regret my unwarranted criticism. Please retract it from the record.
--------------------
B@W
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-25 03:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
tough title, neither of them were particularly amazing, but good for what they had to work with...
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, I've got to quote one more line from this:
"His sight is drawn to the woman in the seat, who is no longer old and black, but young and smiling."
I don't know what to make of this. The guy's name is Desmond (or Charlie, depending on how far you are in the story). Furthermore, we know that the woman undergoes a transformation from being black to being non-black (or "smiling"). Oh, I think I'm on to something here. The boxer goes from being Desmond to being Charlie. Okay, okay... so... two characters possibly change race as the story progresses. The fat lady disappears when the young lady is seen in her place. I'm assuming the fat one dies. Desmond dies, but in his place, there is Charlie. So... maybe there were two ghosts working together (the one *disguised* as Desmond's sister, and Charlie). Their goal? To find two host bodies on the verge of death (it is well known that ghosts can only overtake bodies on the verge of death). Here's how the plan went down. One posed as Desmond's sister (to distract Desmond). The other made the black lady really hungry, causing her to eat excessive junk food and die of a heart attack. When the host bodies reached near-death, Charlie overtook Desmond's body, and the ghost posing as Desmond's sister overtook the fat black lady and morphed the body into her young, smiling self. Now, that explains why the young girl was able to speak to the coach at the end; she had a host body, she was no longer a ghost! And that is why she wanted the coach to go home: presumably, Desmond changed forms as well.
Now that I understand Entry 2, I regret my unwarranted criticism. Please retract it from the record.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can finally sleep in peace... *if* that was supposed to be the coach talking (how do we know for sure, unless you're the author), then I can see the selfish sister being a "twist", I guess. But still, is the afterlife that boring? I just don't buy it. I've spent way too much time dissecting this post...
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:03:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, okay... I had just assumed it was something supernatural, since it was presented as "a voice is screaming to him". Something about the phrasing made me think supernatural. My bad.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:49:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Thorpe:
Hahahahahaha
Holy hell you are confused. I think that was a mistake on the author's part, changing the name halfway through. It's the same person, and she was distracting him from the fight so he could be with her, that's all.
----
Well that was my earlier point... I didn't think she actually *wanted* him to get beaten up based on this quote: "Thank you! At least you figured out you can't break his fist with your face.
Now hit him BACK!"
I think my initial analysis might have been right... she didn't want him to lose, yet she distracted him to the point of getting his neck broken.
Combine that with the fact that the names change halfway through the story, and the grammatical errors, and I have to seriously question your vote!
--------
It's the coach that says the first quote, not the ghost. And yeah, it was close, the second one was just shorter.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thorpe:
Hahahahahaha
Holy hell you are confused. I think that was a mistake on the author's part, changing the name halfway through. It's the same person, and she was distracting him from the fight so he could be with her, that's all.
----
Well that was my earlier point... I didn't think she actually *wanted* him to get beaten up based on this quote: "Thank you! At least you figured out you can't break his fist with your face.
Now hit him BACK!"
I think my initial analysis might have been right... she didn't want him to lose, yet she distracted him to the point of getting his neck broken.
Combine that with the fact that the names change halfway through the story, and the grammatical errors, and I have to seriously question your vote!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't even notice the name change, maybe that's why everyone hates the second one.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:26:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:08:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:04:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 is the most God-awful story I've ever read. The fact that his "ghost sister" just keeps SITTING THERE while he's getting the shit beaten out him, even though she doesn't actually _want_ him to get hurt (read her earlier "dialogue") is absurd. Oh, and how about the gem at the end how she's telling the coach to go home (why?? it's not like the coach can hear her). If the title was "The stupidest fucking ghost ever" I might have *considered* voting for 2.
------------------------------------
What??? You're completely wrong on all those points. Read it again.
-----
Okay, since I re-read it and couldn't make any more sense of it, I will try to think through this systematically (my IQ is 34, btw):
I'm still not sure who Charlie is, but I'm guessing it's Desmond's opponent. So Charlie got clocked at the end... maybe by Desmond's sister. Or maybe the sister gave him the power? At any rate, Desmond's *sister* says "Charlie is with me now." Did she have a crush on Charlie? Is that what this is about? Please help me out here.
----------
Hahahahahaha
Holy hell you are confused. I think that was a mistake on the author's part, changing the name halfway through. It's the same person, and she was distracting him from the fight so he could be with her, that's all.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wtf? why are people shitting on #2? it's really not that bad at all.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ummmm.....
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't understand entry 1 but I just plain didn't like entry 2.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
... I won't be able to sleep tonight unless I understand what's going on in Entry 2. Can anyone explain it to me? Now it's killing me.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:28:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yup, it's a tie...hah
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both were good....i think this will be a close race
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:08:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:04:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 is the most God-awful story I've ever read. The fact that his "ghost sister" just keeps SITTING THERE while he's getting the shit beaten out him, even though she doesn't actually _want_ him to get hurt (read her earlier "dialogue") is absurd. Oh, and how about the gem at the end how she's telling the coach to go home (why?? it's not like the coach can hear her). If the title was "The stupidest fucking ghost ever" I might have *considered* voting for 2.
------------------------------------
What??? You're completely wrong on all those points. Read it again.
-----
Okay, since I re-read it and couldn't make any more sense of it, I will try to think through this systematically (my IQ is 34, btw):
I'm still not sure who Charlie is, but I'm guessing it's Desmond's opponent. So Charlie got clocked at the end... maybe by Desmond's sister. Or maybe the sister gave him the power? At any rate, Desmond's *sister* says "Charlie is with me now." Did she have a crush on Charlie? Is that what this is about? Please help me out here.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so far these have been great match-ups. hard to decide.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guessed them because Entry #2 is the same exact format as the reviews of someone I share the same birthday with. And I think that's just careless...maybe I'm the only one that noticed but whatever
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read it again. Maybe it's too advanced for me :\ I'll take your word for it that I'm missing something though.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
OMG GLALL?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wakka wakka
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have no clue who wrote these.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:04:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 is the most God-awful story I've ever read. The fact that his "ghost sister" just keeps SITTING THERE while he's getting the shit beaten out him, even though she doesn't actually _want_ him to get hurt (read her earlier "dialogue") is absurd. Oh, and how about the gem at the end how she's telling the coach to go home (why?? it's not like the coach can hear her). If the title was "The stupidest fucking ghost ever" I might have *considered* voting for 2.
------------------------------------
What??? You're completely wrong on all those points. Read it again.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, the fact that thorpe was the only one voting for #2 would make me think this is his match-up...
But I really don't see him coming up so short, while no-name-newbie goferforhire does so well.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 is the most God-awful story I've ever read. The fact that his "ghost sister" just keeps SITTING THERE while he's getting the shit beaten out him, even though she doesn't actually _want_ him to get hurt (read her earlier "dialogue") is absurd. Oh, and how about the gem at the end how she's telling the coach to go home (why?? it's not like the coach can hear her). If the title was "The stupidest fucking ghost ever" I might have *considered* voting for 2.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 was really good, if not horrifically disturbing.
#2...no comment.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-09-25 01:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stagger_Lee and Bubba2341?
Entry #1 was fantastic
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh come on.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was very immersed in Entry 1 until: more sex/rape. Still decent and the end gave it a nice purpose.
Entry 2 was pretty cool, and gets the vote for being able to get the reaction in so few words.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, Entry 2 was horrible. Entry 1 was okay... I guess it was a difficult title to work with?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this was difficult
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
first one was superior
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-09-25 00:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Slowly, but surely, the entries get better.