The Legend of Upper Canada (1376 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's IHOP of St. Awesome (View user info) at 2006-09-25 02:31:22 EDT
Chapter Fifteen-Eleven: A Very Angry Wolverine
~~~
"I'm leaving you, Glen, and I'm taking the dogsled."
"But Blanche!" I cried. "Not the dogsled!"
But Blanche, oh Blanche, she had her own ideas in her head. Much like women tend to have. One can beat them all you want but they still think about silly little things like grapes and well...grapes.
I just hoped she realized I wouldn't come dig her out of the snow when she inevitably crashed. Those dogs hated that woman more than rectal thermometers. And damn, they hate rectal thermometers.
"Whom are you leaving me for and why?" I asked. "Is it Barry? It's Barry, isn't it? Or is it the other Glen?"
She flipped her hair. "Oh, you know I can't stand the other Glen. He's a pompous ass and his hats are just too fashionable."
Damn that other Glen and his fashionable hats!
"Indeed, Glen, I'm leaving you for Barry!" She shouted for no other reason than she's deaf in one ear and has no idea what normal conversational volume is.
"But Barry has no legs! And one of his arms got chewed off by a wolverine!" I replied, throwing my book aside. This was no time to be studying for my driver's exam!
"I love Barry and his wolverine eaten stump," she declared. "We're going on a mission to find that wolverine and extract our revenge! That's why we need the dogsled!"
Indeed, Blanche left me that very afternoon. Two nights later they found her frozen outside the Dairy Queen. The dogs survived simply because dogs are smarter than a deaf woman with hooks for hands.
It's rather difficult for her to open doors and the staff at the Dairy Queen suspected she was a pirate on a hunt for blood. It's hard to explain the difference between vampires and pirates to a bunch of high school kids hooked on meth. I suppose I should stop selling them the meth.
And in the end, I never got my driver's license.
Thus ends my report on Post-Confederation Canadian History: Why Upper Canada Still Should Exist and the Hudson's Bay Company is Run By Werewolves.
I suspect you found it extremely enlightening; much like plugging in a lamp and finding the bulb has been filled with very deadly wasps and having the bulb explode in your face.
How they get in there, we'll never know.
Unless you're in cahoots with the wasps.
And in that case you can get the fuck out.
User Reviews
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-05-09 15:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Whom are you leaving me for and why?"
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-18 15:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-10-06 21:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*speechless*
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-30 03:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-28 18:04:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for reminding me I need to buy carrots so that I can take the broken lightbulb out of the fixture in my daughters room.
----
As long as the power is off, just use a pair of pliers.
Although carrots are good, too.
Eyesight and that sort of thing.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-09-28 23:41:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you change your MVA name to "No, you're not." to maybe send a hint out to Rizzo that he aint climbing shit and that huh?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-09-28 18:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for reminding me I need to buy carrots so that I can take the broken lightbulb out of the fixture in my daughters room.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations, you got a +2 from a guy that has no hair on his head. Where I come from, that ain't worth it's weight in cow turds. Not because it doesn't mean anything, but because there is really no market for cow turds where I come from. Which is Ontario.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-09-25 20:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a pretty ordinary tale, until you got to the part about werewolves, then it deserved nothing less than a +2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick the kid in the junk, dude.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
k
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AUTO +2 CANADIAN SHIELD
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-25 18:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A four-year-old just told me he was going to 'blow my fucking head off.'
I feel GREAT today.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-25 16:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, if only my opponent would post!
Then I could lose and get ONE WITH MY LIFE!
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-09-25 14:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"because dogs are smarter than a deaf woman with hooks for hands"
How was Barry going to sign to her with a stump hand, and can her hooks sign?
I suppose they could use a speak and spell to communicate.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You make it look so easy.
But one day you'll fail. Oh yes.
I'll be waiting.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud nine times when reading this.
Submitted by CaptainObvious (user info) at 2006-09-25 12:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Just for the randomness.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lower canada > upper canada
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i almost didn't notice this. those bright yellow M's kinda catch your attention.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"But Blanche!" I cried. "Not the dogsled!"
----
Stop right there. You've just earned yourself a +2.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-25 06:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-25 06:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-09-25 05:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cant figure out how the wasps get in the lightbulbs either. I carry a can of Raid on me at all times.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-09-25 04:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-25 03:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She's a maneater...make you work hard...make you sweat hard...make you want more...
She's a maneater...makes you eat cars...something something something...MANEATER!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-25 03:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 rape
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-25 03:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Possibly the best... thing... ever.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha...I knew my history textbook was full of shit! time to burn it!!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was longer but I cut out the part where they invaded France.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
we're calling a page a chapter now? trying to milk our shitty story for all we can huh?
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-25 02:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!