Grueberfest '06 Round One - "Greystone Chapel" (723 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.68 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG <joe_green_2006.at.yahoo.co.uk> (View user info) at 2006-09-25 05:42:41 EDT
There was a place, forgotten after,
the moans drowned out demonic laughter,
where screams and shouts and cries of pain,
would echo through your corpsed brain.
It stood atop the hills of yonder,
where even bandits wouldn't wander,
a sight just like a rotten apple,
the crumbling walls of Greystone Chapel.
It lured the young with tales of wonder,
and of long forsaken plunder.
A place where you could truly be,
your one true self, completely free.
But once you were inside those walls,
and you were dining in their halls,
it was to them your soul was sold,
for evil, non-existent gold.
This tale is of a boy named Stephen,
an ex-addict and exiled heathen,
who was lured by Greystone's spell,
unknowing of it's damning hell.
He was shunned by his society,
and unable to maintain sobriety,
he packed his bags and his possessions,
and tried to leave his sick obessessions.
As he took the path up to the hills,
he never could sense all the ills,
that eminated from the place he sought,
and stole away his lucid thought.
When he arrived at those dark gates,
he cursed the world for all it's hates,
and was greeted by a robed man who,
said "Stephen! We're expecting you!"
The robed man showed him to his room,
which, although was dank and gloom,
was a place he felt accepted,
nothing like that he expected.
They fed him bread, and gave him wine,
gave him robes with hessian twine,
regaled him with their tales of wars,
and told him it was all good cause.
One year passed on and Stephen still,
could not sense the evil will,
or the true nature of the place,
that stood out on the master's face.
"Young Stephen, could you accompany me,
I have some things for you to see!
You've drunk our wine and chewed our grain,
it's time to enlighten your brain!"
As the master took him to the keep,
poor Stephen began to weep.
"Now there, boy, what is the matter?
Please stop your incessant chatter."
It's about time you learnt, it seems,
what your place is within our schemes".
As they approached the looming tower,
Stephen began to sense the power,
that flowed through the Chapel's heart,
and began to tear his soul apart.
They entered into the cold dark building,
with it's heartless ebony guilding,
Stephen took a look and saw,
where he would be forever more.
Skulls and chains and corpses which,
although long dead still seemed to twitch,
and blood did run down the four walls,
onto mounds of rats with cawls.
Torture racks and trays of tools,
used to cause pain on these fools,
who entered to this place of madness,
unaware of rotting badness.
"Please", begged Stephen, "this isn't what,
I wanted from this gruesome lot,
all I wanted was a bed,
somewhere that I could rest my head."
The master laughed and cooed with glee,
"You no longer have a choice, you see.
You are ours, and ours alone,
your flesh, your thoughts and gleaming bone.
We will have our wicked way,
with you and anyone who comes to stay!"
Four men in hoods approached the boy,
laughing at their own devious ploy,
they seized him by his legs and wrists,
and battered him with stone like fists.
They tied him to a bed of bed of steel,
leaden with it's own evil feel,
prepared a tray of glistening blades,
and devices of satanic shades.
The scalpel pierced poor Stephen's eyes,
blinding him from more surprise,
the corkscrew gouged into his knee,
just beginning this tortuous spree.
The screams provoked malicious laughter,
and taunts of shame forever after,
the more he sqealed and writhed in pain,
the more they did these things again.
They turned the lost, berated soul,
onto his front, and with hot coal,
they probed into his sacred place,
savouring the torment on his face.
"Now then boy", proclaimed the master,
"would you like us to go faster?
Do you want this all to end,
for me to make these games suspend?"
"You're merely a pathetic wretch,
and your soul is mine to stretch,
your pain is purely for my pleasure,
to use for my demonic measure."
"You will be mine, and mine forever,
and fear is what you will endeavour,
your blood will too, run these walls,
as I take command over these halls!"
And so there ends the tale of Stephen,
the long forgotten useless heathen.
Trapped in hell, he would remain,
and the woe would not abstain.
Greystone Chapel reamins a myth,
full of "whats", and "buts", and "ifs".
But what will you choose to believe,
when midnight chimes All Hallow's Eve?
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-10-19 12:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cooed with glee
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-10-04 22:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
had a nice pace to it
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-04 17:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well then, since I'm here anyway, let me say something else about syllables and lines.
With the rhyme scheme and meter you've chosen, you want each line to run pretty much just like the one before it. Arranging your stressed and unstressed syllables helps ensure that this is the case. I found a pair of your lines where you do it well, and then not so well:
They tied him to a bed of steel,
leaden with it's own evil feel,
The first one is spot on, and you can prove it my pounding out the stresses:
they TIED him TO a BED of STEEL
You can consider your stressed syllables the most important ones of the line. Just looking at them, you don't really need the other words to get what you're trying to say - the stresses say it all.
The next line gets tricky:
LEAD-en WITH it's OWN E-vil FEEL
That "e" in "evil" totally throws the line off, because it's not natural to emphasize "vil." Doubling up your stresses interrupts the flow.
Of course, again, if you're not concerned with that at all, this can all be disregarded.
All this (unnecessary?) instruction's got me all randy. I wonder if there's a naughty schoolgirl around in need of punishment.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-10-04 16:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-04 14:39:46 (#)
Ranking: 1
I have to say that this +1 is more for your overall idea and not your writing, because I found the piece to have scattered syllables, poor word choices and lacking a genuine flow to it.
The whole poem dances around the 8/9/10 syllable range, and because of this it never really gets a chance to center itself in a naturally progressive flow.
This:
As he took the path up to the hills, (9)
he never could sense all the ills, (8)
that eminated from the place he sought, (10)
and stole away his lucid thought (8)
could easily be tightened up and turned into something like this:
He took the path up to the hills (8)
But never did he sense the ills (8)
That drifted from the place he sought (8)
To steal away his lucid thought (8)
Know what I mean?
I think words are much more important in poetry, but then you're also talking to a guy who's been known to rhyme "take" with "change." So, whatever, maybe I'm just blowing smoke. Either way, I think that some of your choices could have been better. "All the world's hates," "evil, non-existent gold," and "rotting badness" stood out to me and made me scratch my head. Of course, they all fall at the end of their lines, which is really going to emphasize them in something like this. Say what you like for the first half of the line, but you've really got to hammer home the end of the lines or your reader's going to wonder about you. Especially if you're working with a rhyme scheme, where the rhymes are going to serve as the bridge between stanzas and lines.
Hope you don't think I'm taking you to task. Just trying to help out is all.
Besides, this is Uber. You can always tell me to fuck off in a hatepost or something.
-------------------------------------
All comments appreciated and taken on board. This is the first time I've wrote poetry since I left school, and I actually enjoyed writing it.
Any advice from a veteran such as yourself is truly appreciated.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-10-04 15:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-04 14:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have to say that this +1 is more for your overall idea and not your writing, because I found the piece to have scattered syllables, poor word choices and lacking a genuine flow to it.
The whole poem dances around the 8/9/10 syllable range, and because of this it never really gets a chance to center itself in a naturally progressive flow.
This:
As he took the path up to the hills, (9)
he never could sense all the ills, (8)
that eminated from the place he sought, (10)
and stole away his lucid thought (8)
could easily be tightened up and turned into something like this:
He took the path up to the hills (8)
But never did he sense the ills (8)
That drifted from the place he sought (8)
To steal away his lucid thought (8)
Know what I mean?
I think words are much more important in poetry, but then you're also talking to a guy who's been known to rhyme "take" with "change." So, whatever, maybe I'm just blowing smoke. Either way, I think that some of your choices could have been better. "All the world's hates," "evil, non-existent gold," and "rotting badness" stood out to me and made me scratch my head. Of course, they all fall at the end of their lines, which is really going to emphasize them in something like this. Say what you like for the first half of the line, but you've really got to hammer home the end of the lines or your reader's going to wonder about you. Especially if you're working with a rhyme scheme, where the rhymes are going to serve as the bridge between stanzas and lines.
Hope you don't think I'm taking you to task. Just trying to help out is all.
Besides, this is Uber. You can always tell me to fuck off in a hatepost or something.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-04 13:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:42:01 (#)
Ranking: 1
I have to be honest here.
I got about halfway through this and had to force myself to read the rest.
I hate breaking a streak but, I can't give this a +2.
I'm sorry.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-10-04 00:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have to be honest here.
I got about halfway through this and had to force myself to read the rest.
I hate breaking a streak but, I can't give this a +2.
I'm sorry.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-26 21:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:33:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
*drools*
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-26 03:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:58:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Everyone knows nobody in Swindon is literate"
--------------------------------------------
Amen to that!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-09-25 19:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woah dude! Niiiiice!
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-09-25 17:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Freakin' awesome!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh God no. WHY? WHY DID YOU POST THIS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
It means that dozens of 'wilting creative souls' masquerading as souless corporate droids and wanky teenagers are going to be inspired to inflict their turgid dross upon us.
Didn't you claim to come from Swindon? Everyone knows nobody in Swindon is literate. I bet you're nothing more than an alter of Orgasmatron.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-09-25 11:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great job. And you got a decent title too, you lucky prick.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-09-25 09:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A haiku:
JoeyG writes well.
Captain Thorns is doomed to hell
In UberMadness.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-09-25 08:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done. A bit too "humpty dumpty" as far as format, but nonetheless, an excellent job.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:26:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent Work!!!
but O-Tron is gonna come after you...
---------------------------------
I thought that, about 2 seconds after I clicked on "Hook me up".
Please be nice, Mr O!!!!! I love you long time!!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*drools*
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-09-25 07:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent Work!!!
but O-Tron is gonna come after you...
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-09-25 06:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-09-25 06:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment